Q4Men: How can women protect the feelings of their male friends if they are not romantically interested in them?

cxj · 2017-12-18T02:46:17+00:00

Nothing, feelings get hurt, people get used, there are misunderstandings, life is pain

blackedoutfast · 2017-12-18T03:25:33+00:00

if you're female and attractive at all, almost every single one of your male friends would totally fuck you if they could do so without any consequences. and most of then would be DTF even if there were serious consequences. that's just how it is.

the idea that you wouldn't want to have sex with someone just because you're too close of friends or you know them too well really just doesn't happen to guys. our sexuality just doesn't work like that. friendly familiarity doesn't really decrease a man's sexual attraction to a woman.

you can't completely prevent a male friend from catching feelings, especially if the girl is attractive and the guy doesn't have an abundance of other sexual/romantic options. if you're basically the only non-related woman in his life, there's a very good chance that he will have oneitis for you.

probably the biggest thing is being aware that most straight guys don't use nearly the same type or amount of affectionate behavior towards each other as girls do with their friends. being very touchy and cuddly is NOT normally associated with platonic friendship between two guys. and if the guy isn't very successful romantically or sexually, he might not experience a lot of touch or physical affection at all.

also be careful about doing too many things 1-on-1 that could make it feel more like being on a date or doing something as a romantic couple. even if you know that you're just friends, it can confuse things on a more emotional level.

SlimLovin · 2017-12-18T14:23:24+00:00

Why are we "protecting" these men at all? Are they so fragile?

Must women handle them with kid gloves, lest their egos collapse under the weight of rejection?

Listen:

Colleges will reject you. Jobs will reject you. Friends will leave you. Loved ones will die. Women won't want to touch your dingdong.

You aren't entitled to a thing, just because you put in the time.

That's life. Get fucking used to it.

NalkaNalka · 2017-12-18T02:49:31+00:00

Try to hook them up with other women you know. That gets the message across and is also helpful.

darkmoon09 · 2017-12-18T01:31:20+00:00

The only thing I think would actually work would just not be being affectionate to start with

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-12-18T03:42:09+00:00

just act normal

passepar2t · 2017-12-18T07:52:05+00:00

Why would it be on the woman to protect their male friends' feels? Can't the male in question, like, man up and get over it? I don't like the phrase "man up" in 85% of use cases but come on. Be an adult and move on if she doesn't want to be sexually intimate with you.

One time I got propositioned by a female friend that I wasn't attracted to (she was not sober at the time). I said no, she had a good cry, got the fuck over it and we remained good platonic friends.

Hotblack_Desiato_ · 2017-12-18T17:47:22+00:00

You don't.

Either they accept it and can get over it and you get to continue the friendship, or they can't accept it and that's the end of the friendship. Sucks, but there it is.

It's not your job to protect their feelings. They're an adult, that's their job.

Salty-Bastard · 2017-12-18T01:41:43+00:00

Shut that shit down as soon as he asks and if you care about him then have a conversation about making his intentions clear as a man in the first place. Explain that orbiting and choreplay gets you nowhere when it comes to respect from a woman. Regarding fwb and casual sex, someone always catches feelings and you either escalate or part ways.

larrythetomato · 2017-12-18T05:08:47+00:00

Say a man and a woman are good friends, and the woman cares about the guy a lot. She likes him and even loves him in a friendly way, but doesn't allow herself to think about him romantically for one reason or another. It could be that she doesn't find him attractive, but it could also just be that there are life barriers in the way.

Ooo I was a bit worried that you are my 'it's complicated' kinda-girlfriend. Luckily I'm about 50% sure that your writing style is different from hers, and a couple of your comments don't match our situation.

So men, what can your women friends do to protect you? Should we refrain from certain behaviors that might give you encouragement? Should we not be friends with you at all? What can we do to protect you?

It sounds like you really like the guy and want him to succeed. If true, don't worry too much if there are a bit of feelings thrown around, part of growing up as a man is getting your heart broken and breaking a few hearts along the way.

SirNemesis · 2017-12-18T03:53:58+00:00

Wingwoman for him and set him up with a cute girl. Duh.

PBRScagsquad · 2017-12-18T01:35:00+00:00

Not engaging in any behaviour that an inexperienced male would mistake for flirting. Basically act like a male friend around them. Hopefully that means it won't happen in the first place.

TRP_Hoplite · 2017-12-18T02:24:27+00:00

Maybe two things the woman can do:

Don't ask him to do anything you wouldn't expect a girlfriend to do unless it's completely random or unplanned (like you are driving in your car with him as a passenger and you get a flat tire and ask him to change it).
If it's obvious he likes you in ways that you know you will never be able to reciprocate, tell him, that as far as you are concerned, he has no penis and never will. Tell him he's just like a girlfriend to you, only stronger and without any risk of stealing any man you might really be interested in or already dating.

I know the second part is extreme, but I think a lot of orbiters would be better served if they realized that the woman they are orbiting doesn't view them as a potential mate or even having a penis and never will. There are always some women out their that will (unless he's a complete omega) and the chance of the female friend pulling him out of orbit is next to impossible and requires a ridiculous amount of effort that could be put to better use improving oneself and pursuing better prospects.

darksoldierk · 2017-12-18T04:00:07+00:00

Protect me? I don't need your protection.

You should behave like a friend, and that's it. Do you think guy friends go off expressing affection to each other? Or giving each other compliments? Or some other shit like that? no, we don't. Well, we do, but it happens on such a rare occasion, and it's about honesty. Yeah, I've told a few friends of mine that they look really good in the suit they wore, but I didn't take some gel and say "you would look better if your hair was like this" while I fixed their hair. When you get drunk, don't come sit on my lap, or ask me to dance with you. That's not a friendship, shit like that doesn't happen between guy friends. Our compliments to each other passive. We'll say things like "holy shit dude, it's so cool that you know that", we don't say things like "wow, your so smart, I wish more guys were as smart as you". Don't call me at 10pm looking for a shoulder to cry on. Got a problem? Lets go to a bar, you can let out your emotions over the first couple beers and while the game is on, then move on to more interesting topics. Treat me like a friend, don't treat me like a boyfriend. Don't do things with me that girls do with their boyfriends. Keep it a strict friendship.

It gets guys confused. We think "okay, well she wants to be friends, but she's doing things that a friend would never do. Maybe she likes me? Well, if I don't ask her out, i'll never know, right?".

Plopolok · 2017-12-18T05:15:11+00:00

What most women do: avoid men who like them, or enjoy their suffering. I guess it works.

What I'd advise: think of him like a colleague who has a cancer. Let him know you know, but keep working with him normally. It's his problem, not yours. If he manages to also behave normally, without complaining, you can even give him a few hugs once in a while.

Il128 · 2017-12-18T19:11:54+00:00

Life protip. If you're sexually interested and they aren't, you can't be friends.

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AstuteBlackMan · 2017-12-18T01:55:43+00:00

Women don't know from my experience how to treat men they like vs men they don't like differently. Wether that's a good or bad thing I don't know.

I don't really care what women do. I think it's personally best to either end the relationship with unless you're long time childhood friends. I personally believe tough love is what men need to develop. Just act how you want but don't flirt.

[deleted] · 2017-12-18T02:44:20+00:00

Women should follow their natural divine intuitions not RP men OR feminists

Blue_Violet23 · 2017-12-18T18:26:25+00:00

It's not the woman's job to protect a male's ego nor is it our job to perpetuate systemic toxic male fragility.

Raii-v2 · 2017-12-18T21:13:18+00:00

"Sorry OP I'm just not that into you"

captaindestucto · 2017-12-20T03:07:02+00:00

Make the situation clear, but don't assume that he won't take no for an answer or make unecessary judgements. It's hard asking people out, even harder witha friend because there's everything to lose.

I've asked female friends out before and it always hurts the most when someone you knew well is no longer comfortable talking. Their friendliness and willingness to talk turns to contempt, and suddenly whatever you might have had disappears inot the ether

arrowguns · 2018-01-23T20:43:43+00:00

What a lovely question! I wish I had a great answer for it, I'm sure there is one.

Some probably obvious stuff that can give the impression of interest/flirting:

Carrying out a conversation standing real close and looking up at them. Guys are usually aware on some level that their presence in that situation can be imposing, so if you act like it's nothing and carry on casually chatting with full eye contact etc, it can come across like "I don't mind if its you looming over me" rather than "This space is cramped and I refuse to be weird about it", or something else unperturbed/cheery/practical.

-Sharing excitement + intimacy at the same time, like many females do amongst themselves, can come across as infatuation to a guy. -Two guys will basically never (illustrative stereotype) flap hands and stare into each other eyes feeding on each others excitement. ('squee'ing is an associated word, but I don't mean it in a derogatory/diminutive way, I'm just referring to directly sharing one's excitement ('mirroring' it) along an emotional connection, so that it amplifies up and up. (Looks like great fun, I always see females under 30 doing it.) )

In this situation, she acts naturally, expressing affection, giving him compliments, and telling him what an awesome guy he is

Background assumption: In my experience guys almost never compliment one another when they're by themselves. The vibe is generally 'chill' or 'hype' rather than supportive/connective/intimate, and it can be seen as domineering if a guy thinks he's in a position to directly award another guy status. Whereas a woman's opinion is seen as 1. more valuable 2. less threatening. (not because women are less valued, more because they're less violent and domineering)

-i.e. "You're good and you should feel good" is a message guys rarely send each other, especially directly, as it would be presuming on their dignity/pride/territory/status for another guy (if not their war buddy who saved their life or something) to assume an arbitrator status on their self-perception.

Okay, background assumption out of the way.

I wouldn't necessarily say to avoid this form of interaction, as its more of a female thing (nurturing and kind), than a female-female thing, (as in the 'mirroring enthusiasm' case. -i.e. something that's fundamentally fun but male nature gets in the way).

But maybe it's much harder for that kind of feather fluffing to be a standard element of interaction like it can be between women. 'Hens' fluffing up one another's feathers is expected, fluffing up the feathers of a guy (..rooster? the analogy probably wasn't that great to start) can seem more like something a gf would do.

Practically speaking, such compliments might be safe(r) as a kind of 'mother hen' thing. As opposed to keenly sincere or admiring.

Generally, the kind of 'reach out and touch them' emotionally thing where you go 'I love your shirt!!!!!', -where the point is (or appears to be, idk) the intensity/level of emotional energy going in (and how casually its done. -showing comfort/intimacy with one another), can be disconcerting for some guys because as mentioned they're usually 'chill' with each other rather than mirroring one another's excitement or intimacy. (If you're curious about why, this video delves a little into the psychology behind it

So far, those mostly come back to soliciting/engaging in playful intense emotional connections that might be transient/temporary but males usually play with amongst themselves far less often than females, and might not equate 'fleeting' with 'casual'.

..And I guess that's the main thing I can think of; just "Be aware guys don't generally play around with intimate/intense emotional connections with their guy friends." (whether mock or fleeting or otherwise)

prodigy2throw · 2017-12-18T03:31:04+00:00

Don’t have male friends. If you have. A male friend who is doing a bit too much for you or there for you a bit too much he wanna fuck. Use common sense

Eastuss · 2017-12-18T08:32:41+00:00

The best way to protect the feelings of your male friends is to not make them have any sort of hope about anything, and that includes not taking advantage of him when it's obvious he wants more. That's something women have to learn if they want to improve.

quicklogaccount · 2017-12-18T16:18:07+00:00

So men, what can your women friends do to protect you?

Police yourselves and don't act in fashions that might strike as flirty when you are aware that your friend is struggling with women or undergoing a long dry spell.
His wishful thinking will lead him into developing feelings for you because you strike as safely sexual towards them.

Should we not be friends with you at all? What can we do to protect you?

Having had some female friends for my whole life and living in insane thirst for a while (crappy, why not, toxic relationship), DON'T ENCOURAGE.
Every little thing gets the hopes up. Male to female interactions are full of little ambiguities that require context to be properly understood and flirty encouragement pretty much leads this list. Men in scarcity have a terribly hard time picking them in the proper background and most often, when they do, they'll do it in a self deprecating way, "she has pity for me and acts like that", that will be harmful.

wtknight · 2017-12-18T03:05:59+00:00

I don't understand why so many women and men are becoming platonic friends in the first place. People can hang out with the same gender for that. Men who have female friends but who either wanted more from the beginning or eventually want more and end up disappointed probably shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place in a cross-gender friendship.

despisedlove2 · 2017-12-18T05:15:20+00:00

He is her orbiter. No need to worry.

theiamsamurai · 2017-12-18T02:12:34+00:00

Set him up with girls who are attracted to him who will be more affectionate towards him than she is.

InformalCriticism · 2017-12-18T14:45:29+00:00

Say a man and a woman are good friends

Heh... Heheh.

What can we do to protect you?

You can't. Unless the dude is on the spectrum or has low T, some amount of behavior and attention is going to put the idea in their head. Unless they find something you do/say absolutely repulsive, you're fair game.

ReluctantSlimeball · 2017-12-18T15:37:09+00:00

Obviously they are under no obligation to.

But it may be useful to them to decisively state “You know I have zero romantic feelings toward you and never could?” One very awkward moment to potentially avoid many many more down the line.

It’s an age thing though isn’t it? Wasnt it Churchill who said “If you’re not blue Pill when you’re young you haven’t got a heart and if you’re blue Pill when you’re old you haven’t got a head.”

Title	Q4Men: How can women protect the feelings of their male friends if they are not romantically interested in them?
Author	frightynight
Upvotes	11
Comments	140
Date	December 18, 2017 1:29 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/7khyub/q4men_how_can_women_protect_the_feelings_of_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4men-how-can-women-protect-the-feelings-of-their.264454 https://theredarchive.com/post/264454

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