Hi ladies! I’ve been lurking for awhile but just decided to get a reddit account so I could interact. I’m so relieved to find this community because I came to 99% of these conclusions just through my own experience and it’s refreshing to find like-minded women (I don’t know many in real life). Anywho...I wanted to throw an idea out there that has given me interesting insight into men. Maybe it could be useful for some of you. Bear with me for a little context before I give the actual tactic.

Something that makes a man high value to me is that I can trust him with my vulnerabilities and know that he won’t throw them in my face, use them to manipulate me, use them as a power play, etc. this is a tricky one because if you make the mistake of trusting the wrong man (most men) with something sensitive, you will regret it. It’s like blood in the water and a shark will see it as an opportunity to attack.

For instance, I had a very serious health crisis that took me out of the dating world for a few years in my 20s (I’m 30 now). During this time, a lot of my friends got married and I was sensitive about that lost time once I started dating again. I got into a pretty serious relationship at 26 and made the mistake of sharing this sensitive spot in a moment of vulnerability. As a side note, this guy made it clear he was a bit insecure that I was out of his league, but I didn’t see it that way and treated him like nothing but gold. I get a lot of guy attention, but never made him feel in competition. All of the sudden, after sharing this, my ex starts making comments about me “getting up there” in age and making little digs about me being old. It escalated to telling me I’m “not a spring chicken anymore.” I told him (truthfully) that I get mistaken for being a teenager on a regular basis and that someone just did the other day. Then, he LOST IT. Started yelling that he’s not like “all the other guys” who kiss my a** and tell me what I want to hear. That he’ll tell me the TRUTH because he LOVES me. Meanwhile, the incident I was referring to was with a 55 year old WOMAN, not dating competition lol

I was so stunned and hurt and confused as to why he was talking to me that way. I felt rejected and ugly and like he saw me as “past it.” He then said not to worry because even if you lined me up with a bunch of “young, hot 18 year olds,” he’d still choose me. Lmao, as if I should feel grateful he’d choose me despite my shriveling 26 year old body. I’m proud to say I broke up with him quickly, but it left me very confused and a little emotionally traumatized. He was also very upset I broke up with him, which I couldn’t understand since he seemed so intent on pushing me away. Why not just go after another woman he actually finds desirable? It took some time and reading before I had the lightbulb moment that he actually did all of that to try to lock me down. Instead of raising his own value, his strategy was to lower my perception of my own so I wouldn’t think I could do better. Ironically, if he valued my heart and emotions, I probably would still be with him. His tactic backfired.

After that relationship, I briefly dated a guy who I was friends with for a long time. After my previous experience, I started to wonder if a lot of men have that predatory instinct to attack at a weak spot like that if they think it will help to lock you in. So I did a little experiment. I fabricated an “insecurity” and casually let it slip in conversation to see how he would react. Now I don’t recommend completely lying because that could backfire on you if he really is a high quality man and it ends up working out. But just pick something that is not going to make you go home and cry if he starts targeting it. So I chose the opposite of what I told my ex. When I was in high school, I was super insecure about looking too young and always being perceived as the little sister. This is not an insecurity so much anymore but it was at one time, so I casually mentioned that I hate it when people call me cute and that I want to be perceived as mature and grown up.

Well don’t you know, that MFer started attacking me at what he THOUGHT was my weak spot within the HOUR! He thought he saw blood in the water, but he was actually being duped! All of the sudden, he starts making comments about cuuuute I am and talking to me in a baby voice (not as a joke, for real). I was in shock and disbelief at what was manifesting before my eyes and gave it another week or so to be sure. It eventually escalated to saying, don’t worry, there are a lot of really beautiful and hot women out there but I don’t want anyone but my little cutie patootie. LMAO. This time, I was able to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all because he wasn’t really hitting a soft spot. But just realizing that he thought he was and that this was his ticket to get me locked in and to grovel for his affirmation made me nauseous. And this dude was a friend who I didn’t think would stoop like that.

So I highly recommend doing this little “blood in the water” test. If he’s a high quality man, he won’t prey on your insecurities. He will build you up, always. I’m not saying it’s good to be wallowing in insecurity all the time or anything, but knowing a man has my back and that I can trust him in my weak moments is super important. If he protects my faux-ish vulnerability, then I can trust him to protect me when something real and significant comes up.