Stressed out in relationship

Sobinia · 2019-12-26T23:24:19+00:00

He's emotionally manipulating you. There's a difference between a leader and a tyrant. Eventually, this relationship will burn you out and cause self-esteem issues.

hazeltabby · 2019-12-26T23:32:28+00:00

this is not a relationship. he is an abuser and you are an enabler. let me guess your parents made you feel like you are not good enough and now you are tying to prove it to any person you get close to?

misscleanex · 2019-12-26T23:10:18+00:00

He will ignore me for days at a time

He brought up that I should just relax

This pattern of "punishing" you with the silent treatment, diminishing your concerns, and putting you "on trial" as if you are competing in a try-out to see if you are good enough for a relationship is abusive behavior. This man is probably not capable of being emotionally intimate, because what you described is textbook BPD/NPD.

Your anxiety is probably your gut telling you what you need to do. Stop ignoring your gut. It's trying to tell you something.

rosesonthefloor · 2019-12-26T23:11:11+00:00

Do you really want to follow and respect someone who places so little value on how you feel? He doesn’t seem willing to engage in healthy communication, and withholding affection to punish you veers into emotional abuse territory.

Are there positives to this relationship that make you want to stay? Reading your post, I’m not seeing any. I would suggest thinking hard about if this is really what you want.

Personally, if I were with someone and they ignored me for days, that behavior would end the relationship.

chickenpork72 · 2019-12-26T23:33:01+00:00

Please read your post and imagine this is someone else writing it. Do not ignore your mental health because long term stress will mess you up more than a break up.

Also „nothing is as addictive as inconsistent reward”

clitorophagy · 2019-12-27T01:09:29+00:00

This guy is not a partner to you. It's not only men who can "next" partners. He's not going to get better

cwizzle07 · 2019-12-27T01:04:12+00:00

Wow. You should leave...

snowmen010101 · 2019-12-27T09:37:30+00:00

Please read this and listen closely. I'm going to give you the hard truth. This is exactly how my ex boyfriend with narcissistic personality disorder treated me. It was the most chaotic, painful and confusing time in my life.

There are too many good people on this Earth to waste your emotional energy and sacrifice your mental health for the bad people like this. There are some people who are just not capable of having happy or healthy relationships. Your boyfriend is one of them. He is abusing you. The longer you stay the more damaged you will become and have to repair in order to have healthy relationships with deserving partners in the future.

A partner should not be bringing you down, they should be building you up. You should not feel stressed and awful in a relationship, you should feel content and safe. It doesn't matter if he is good to you some of the time. You do not need to keep trying to make it work or stay with him to figure out if breaking up is really the right decision, it is not going to get any better, only worse, I promise.

The cycle of abuse is addictive, he treats you poorly most of the time, he then treats you nicely for a brief period of time. This makes you feel amazing, however this is only in comparison to his normal poor treatment of you. There are NO excuses for his bad behaviour.

Here are some videos made by a psychologist, I highly recommend that you watch them and her other videos.

https://youtu.be/jp5YHxJhj94

https://youtu.be/HVtMsqH6zpg

https://youtu.be/eJr1WQyNpH4

yngblds · 2019-12-27T00:36:16+00:00

OP, my dear... I see myself in your words, for I was in a very similar situation for 5 years. There will come a day when you will look back on it and will not understand what made you suffer through this for so long. I know how impossible it feels, but you have to think of yourself first and leave. The situation you are in is abuse and you deserve something much better. There will be no improvement. He will keep you on the edge for as long as he can and destroy your self worth. There will be better days, only for him to take them away and increase his power over you. OP don't make the same mistake I did, don't waste your time and your sanity. Feel free to DM me if you wish.

vintagegirlgame · 2019-12-26T23:23:11+00:00

What is this main “incident” that seems to have changed the dynamic of your relationship? Or is this a more constant ongoing thing?

I can relate with a lot of what you’re going though. My fiancée has very high standards for himself and all those around him, especially me. It can sometimes get into eggshell territory. He often seems to focus in on my mistakes. Tries to play the “if you can just be good I wouldn’t get upset” card. And at times he can withhold affection.

All of these behaviors are manipulative and can be emotional abusive so be wary. How do these behaviors affect you? It can be exhausting, and like you said, stressful, when a man doesn’t take responsibility for his feelings. In general I am very good at not taking his moods personally (unless I happen to be approaching my period, then I dissolve into a mess for a few hours before I realize what’s going on). While I have things I’m working on, I know I am a good person and a good partner. What he says/does will not affect my self esteem. When he gets like this I try to practice STFU, usually make him some food, and if gets over the line I walk away to give it space. He has admitted that he has a hard time with expecting people to respond to him in just the right way and often feels let down or disrespected when people inevitably don’t live up to this imaginary standard. I try to take responsibility for the things I mess up, without letting his personal struggle with it make me feel like an bad person.

The withholding of affection for days on end is a big red flag. If my SO gets cold, its usually not longer than a few hours while he takes some space to get over himself, then he comes back around and is super affectionate. Giving you some sort of silent treatment but then expecting makeup sex in the middle of it, then still being cold afterwards...that’s not acceptable and you should treat your body better than that.

Nessunolosa · 2019-12-27T02:41:19+00:00

Are you sure you are being "disrespectful" or is he putting that word in your mouth? I echo what others have said. This is not the dynamic of a healthy relationship.

He knows that if he starves you for intimacy, you'll be happy to have him back if he chooses to manipulate you with it the next time. He is gaslighting you, telling you that you'll never be "good" and so he can decide to cut you off whenever he wants. I had a boyfriend like this in my early days of dating, and he continued to manipulate me for years because he knew which buttons to push. Also he ended up stalking me (mildly) and occasionally threatening me/himself with knives. It was a terrible situation, and I should've gotten out at the word go when he started doing this "I'm cutting you off because you're XYZ and maybe one day if you are just good enough for me and speak exactly as I want you to, I'll come back. But I can't be a good boyfriend to you when you're so horrible."

There are a lot of incidents I could refer to with him that your situation reminds me of. Although some RPW like Laura Doyle say that it isn't abuse if he isn't laying hands on you, I disagree. Manipulation and gaslighting, withholding affection for ulterior motives, and putting down your partner are all potentially abusive.

Please don't stay with this guy. Even twelve years later thinking about my ex who did this to me it painful. You can get out and be better.

just_a_mum · 2019-12-27T03:59:24+00:00

You are worth so much more than the way he is making you feel.

I want to say that out loud - "I AM WORTH MORE THAN THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL"

He is manipulating you. These childish behaviors of punishment and trials are signs of a weak man, not a captain. AND YOU DESERVE A CAPTAIN.

A real man makes his woman feel loved, cherished, protected. All the time. Even after an argument where I know I'm in the wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that my husband loves me. And we still cuddle and kiss at the end of the night. We discuss any issues that arise like adults, we do not go into petty tantrums of not speaking for days. THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Please do not waste any more of your precious time and energy on a man who does not deserve you.

Manny1400 · 2019-12-27T00:40:12+00:00

Relationships should never feel like "work", and they should never stress you out.

If this guy is being severe, playing games (withholding time and affection, etc.), it is a problem.

Leaving right after sex is classless. Sounds like he is trying to act like James Bond or something. He needs to grow up.

KittyHotNose · 2019-12-27T04:53:34+00:00

Read HumanSockPuppet's guide to training bitches. It really sounds to me like he is on that road. Even in married red pill ideology he is going "Rambo" which they don't agree with.

If he is truly "based and red pilled" he is likely a misogynist. Without respect you're just another thot? That to me shows his feelings on women.

Having sex with him in the midst of a silent treatment is just showing him that his system is working. That you see him as alpha and are submitting to him when he is behaving that way.

Feel free to DM and please don't take what I've said as anything against you. The situation makes me seriously worried for you. I got chills just reading about your relationship.

ShootingDanks · 2019-12-27T16:21:53+00:00

I’m trying to adopt a more RPW mindset so that I can make this relationship successful.

The very first thing you need to do for RPW strategy to be successful, is to choose the best possible partner. Vet your man well. Dating is an audition for a lifetime starring role in a movie called "Your Marriage". If you pick a bad actor for the role, the movie will never play out successfully. You have to have traits in mind when screening for future mates. Is he kind, is he understanding, loyal, caring? Do you have similar goals and values? Is he responsible and conscientious? Can you rely on him? Is he willing to work on the relationship, to make it successful? Does this man make the cut for you?

...he will ignore me for days at a time and withhold affection.

When you imagine your life with your future husband, does it include being ignored for days on end? Do you hope and pray for a man who will withhold affection to teach you a lesson? If he's your dream partner, carry on. For me, this alone would be a deal breaker. It shows a lack of appropriate coping skills that one would expect in a mature adult.

Last night we had dinner together and he seemed very disinterested and I felt very anxious and started crying which prompted him to leave.

You're watching the movie of your marriage. It's in front of you on a big screen. There you are, having dinner with your husband. Oh no, you've started crying! What should your movie husband do? Take you into his arms and ask you what's wrong and how can he fix it? Or get up and leave?

Later he visited me and we had sex and he left immediately without saying anything after...

We're watching the movie again. The lead actor has amorous intentions. What do you want movie husband to do? Make passionate love to you and cuddle with you afterwards? Or do you want to watch the hero pump and dump your character and exit without so much as a word?

I suppose I have no one to blame but myself.

This is true. Your are the sole screenwriter and director of the movie of your life. You get to select who gets parts and which people don't make the cut. You get to fill the cast of characters as you see fit. Is this guy really the Husband you had in mind?

GlitteringSherbet8 · 2019-12-27T06:29:08+00:00

Positive reinforcement is actually a much more effective way of teaching your partner, rather than punishing someone. By ignoring you, he is discouraging you from asking clarifying questions about a discussion you had about your behaviour in the relationship.

AITAanon1 · 2019-12-27T13:25:41+00:00

Sounds similar to my husband. Feel free to message me.

szsunshine · 2019-12-28T01:46:32+00:00

You don't know what to do? How about dump his A$$!

A good relationship will not make you stressed out. It would not be a "rocky road." You will not be miserable every other week. You will not feel that you are always making mistakes.

A great guy would not always find fault with you. If something is a deal-breaker, he would break up with you. He would also not have two sets of standards - you are not allowed to find fault with him, yet he is allowed to cr*p all over you, tell you about your faults, etc.

Please read "he's just not that into you." A guy who loves you will not tell you that you are "on probation" or "on trial" or whatever.

LookingForMySelf · 2019-12-27T16:09:44+00:00

I have been finding, however, that I’m increasingly stressed out in our relationship. He demands respect and is very harsh when I am disrespectful, even if it is unintentional. For example, if I am rude about setting boundaries with time, or have a disrespectful expression, he will ignore me for days at a time and withhold affection.

No. I understand this is very very painful to you. I am sure he is also suffering and that why he reacts in this sadistic manner. You both need to learn some communication and start solving this in matter of hours and not days and then minutes and not hours.

I am sure you wouldn't tolerate same treatment from your dentist or a shop keeper. Ugh.

Have you guys tried a communication coach? Because he has similar skill set of a narcissist and you of an abused and angry teenager.

2019-12-27T04:48:01+00:00

For starters: I concur that he’s wrong for you, and this behavior is a hallmark of a bad relationship.

Maybe he needs a submissive. Like, honestly, maybe that is what he is into and should be with someone who gets sexually turned on by being given rules and being punished for breaking them.

That said, the game isn’t leveling up by being a better and better girlfriend. The game is you setting rules for him. It’s you making him feel like he’s not good enough. It’s you making him feel like he needs to keep trying harder.

I used to play it a lot before I got married. I can give you the rules if you want to give it a go. The bottom line is, you need to be willing to stake the relationship, though.

rpthrowaway0000 · 2019-12-29T17:02:26+00:00

Was sorting by rising the other day and came across this. I'm the guy in this situation. There is some truth to what is being described here, but it is also very misrepresented and there's a lot of cherry picking going on with things I've said. Some of it is exaggerated to the point of not being true.

What isn't being said is the disrespectful behavior I try to talk to her about is definitely easily defined, concrete, and stopping the behavior is not an impossible goal being used to manipulate. I am very clear and don't nit pick on "some kind of fault". I also give her a lot of praise when she does something well and am very affectionate on days she is respectful and kind. The main issue for the past few months though, is she often loudly argues with me in public about mundane things. She is contrary for the sake of it and will argue about anything and everything and honestly it is humiliating when I'm out with her. I have made it clear this behavior is unacceptable to be in a committed relationship with me. She will not stop doing it. If I try to talk to her about it, or defend or explain myself (literally if I do anything deviating from red pill strategy), it's like I can see the switch go off with how disgusted she is with me. She will look at me like she is disgusted and her whole attitude changes, and she will typically double down on the unpleasant behavior. The only thing that works is being slightly abrasive, stoic, using dad voice, or exiting or limiting my time with her afterwards. Even this is only very temporary though. She will promise not to do it next time we are out, then immediately start again. Being vulnerable and discussing it openly has never once been effective, and very clearly makes the situation worse. I have not spoken with her after severe incidents for a max of two days, where I needed to stay busy doing other things and taking some time to understand the situation and what the best course of action is, and what I'm doing to cause her to have so little respect that she is shit testing me so hard and constantly. I have made it very clear this is what I am doing, yet she typically blows up my phone and accuses me of doing it simply doing it out of spite, and appears to be unable to respect that I need a day or two of space.

I am a combat vet coming from the special operations infantry world and strength, respect, and integrity are extremely important to me. I am always looking to take responsibility for a situation in what way I can. Obviously she is arguing with me and shit testing me so hard because she sees me as weak. Am I hitting the gym hard and often enough right now? Am I acting like a limp dick? Am I acting like a little bitch? Where did I slip up? Did I say or do something that makes me look weak? Am I giving her enough comfort and affection when I can? Am I setting fair, clear and concrete boundaries and being firm in following up on consequences? I am constantly analyzing what I can do better, and spend a lot of time researching how I can improve and get stronger in every way, particularly behavioral health. What I am not doing is maliciously looking to exploit and manipulate someone. I cared very much about the well being of this person.

A lot of the examples here are grossly misrepresented and spun, and I'm not going to dissect everything, but I am really disappointed to see this. It's like seeing all my effort and investment into this person twisted up into bullshit and posted for some quick validation from internet strangers. She was never trying to problem solve anything with me, just looking for a way out without having to cut the cord herself. Some red pill truths are harder to swallow than others, and this relationship will be a shining example to me as a reminder for some of the harsher truths moving forward in future relationships. Returned her house keys to her and the rest of her stuff. Going to focus on getting stronger and better. Goal is to deal with future relationships with more grace.

edit: To all you weirdos projecting your own failed relationships onto this situation and getting morbid satisfaction from making me an evil manipulative bad guy. Stop. I'm not your ex. And it's not helpful to OP.

gdobssor · 2019-12-30T16:58:56+00:00

Eeeeeewwwwww. Trial?! What is this, a probation period for a job?! Are you a partner or an employee?! He’s literally treating you the same way my old boss treated me when I was about to be fired. Yyyyyyuck. Ain’t no one need that feeling from their spouse. And believe me, a guy that really really REALLY liked you would NEVER want a TRIAL, he’d sign right up before letting another guy take you off him. If you really loved a car you test drove, would you want a trial before you committed to buying it permanently when someone else might buy it? No.

Drop the rope. Ghost him back. Don’t even reply when he texts. I get that you really want to and all your urges are telling you to, but this guy just loves keeping you dangling on a string. Don’t reply when he texts, then when he sends three or four texts in a row, send him a 👌 emoji... and nothing else... to let him know you read it, you’re just not taking his crap anymore.

Whatever you do, DON’T have sex with him again! He so doesn’t deserve it.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-12-30T21:05:58+00:00

https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

1.Humiliating or embarrassing you. 2.Constant put-downs. 3.Hypercriticism. 4.Refusing to communicate. 5.Ignoring or excluding you. 8.Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice. 10.Extreme moodiness. 14.Domination and control. 15.Withdrawal of affection. 17.Making everything your fault.

He's abusive as frack. Seriously.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

This is CLASSIC abusive response. GTFO. Ignore what he says for a change and walk away, cut off contact, kick him out. Get clear.

TheBunk_TB · 2019-12-27T01:01:14+00:00

Two things. More than sex.

(1) Do you hug and/or hold him?

(2) Do you hold him and touch him after you guys are done? (Not that cuddling/validating stuff. Holding him like a man).

TheBunk_TB · 2019-12-27T00:56:52+00:00

He feels used. That is why he is very strict. Have you tried to find out what is making him tick?

ManguZa · 2019-12-27T10:14:21+00:00

Well i'll take the opposite position of everyone here. Of course i don't know you, him, nor your relationship and he may be abusive... BUT it can also be not the case at all.

It can be that he has very high standards for himself and others, and it can be that he's very sensitive to respect. He love you but have a hard time to stand your "mistakes". Sure positive reinforcement would be better, but when you have high standard you seldom find the positive behaviour you would like to reinforce and you need to explain what's expected. Sure the silent treatment is harsh on you, but he resort to that because he's emotionnaly hurt and need time to recover, respect is that important to him and only his love for you make him keep you despite these wounds.
It don't mean you can't stand for yourself, on the contrary. About the dinner thing you should have said something like "*i'm really sorry* i'm too tired/stress and i have too much work tonight, next time tell me sooner, i'll make up for that."
Don't be too harsh on yourself, our society don't teach us respect anymore, especially toward men. It's a shame but you'll have to learn everything from scratch and it'll be long and difficult... but the relationship you'll obtain will be very rewarding. Don't be too harsh on yourself, his need for respect is so overwhelming because the society don't show enough respect for men nowaday... and you can't really fullfill this need alone. At the same time you need to work on yourself to show respect for him, he need to work on himself to not ask you too much, to not ask you all that the world didn't gave to him.

Title	Stressed out in relationship
Author	snowmen010101
Upvotes	45
Comments	122
Date	December 26, 2019 11:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/eg2hzi/stressed_out_in_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/stressed-out-in-relationship.303126 https://theredarchive.com/post/303126

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