Women who stay with violent boyfriends

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-03-11T13:36:42+00:00

I would not date that person. That person still deserves respect and dignity and I would guarantee that, but it would be a hard pass for me.

Preaddly · 2020-03-11T14:32:14+00:00

I used to feel the same way about the women until I learned the truth.

You've probably heard of PTSD. That's when dealing with stress so long makes it so a person can't function outside of a stressful environment. A continuous dose of natural stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, becomes so normal that the body goes through withdrawal when they can't get it anymore. You think heroin has the worst withdrawal process? No, it's this, because it can continue for years, and there's no chemical relief in existence.

You've probably also heard of Stockholm syndrome. That's a survival technique wherein a person will identify with hostile parties as a way to win their favor and survive. What most don't know is that it's triggered by said hostile party being nice to them sometimes. Interacting becomes a gamble, and becomes addictive for the same reason gambling is addictive. It's called intermittent reinforcement. And once a person has Stockholm syndrome it takes years of intense therapy to convince them of the truth.

Battered wives suffer from a combination of these two things. They're addicted to the gamble of whether today they'll get hit, as well as the stress hormones from living in that environment too long. The coming down from that is excruciating, so much so the abuser becomes the lesser of two evils. And even if they do leave, just like any drug, the urge to relapse never truly goes away. They'll always want to go back. Human connection is the best, most addictive drug there is. If you've ever been infatuated or have ever been broken up with you'll completely understand.

eanhctbe · 2020-03-11T13:52:15+00:00

This reads as though "love" is the reason most women stay in abusive relationships, which is not the case. 75% of women who are murdered by an intimate partner have tried to leave. In fact, as resources to leave have gone up for women, the average number of women killed in the US each day has started to increase again (from 3 to 4 since 2014) as they've been given better opportunities to get out, giving women a false sense of safety and security.

"But I love him" very well may be a defense mechanism as a means of self preservation both to maintain their own sense of sanity, and to physically protect themselves and their children or pets when they know leaving could cause catastrophic events.

sadomasochrist · 2020-03-11T15:04:42+00:00

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it?

Nothing, in most cases she was culpable. And getting involved to find out if it's true or she's just exaggerating is just white knightery.

In another thread I mentioned being attacked with a golf club.

I could have legally, 100% shot her. And I got DMs\out of sub replies from women saying I was awful for saying some women do need to be slapped around.

You don't know what happened and my experience is most of these women created the situation they were in.

What you're witnessing is the dance of a woman who enjoys drama and the thrill of being put in her place who will reframe it the moment she wants to start the game with someone new.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617ajx_pnyE

rus9384 · 2020-03-11T13:24:30+00:00

I don’t know anybody like that personally. I can only assume such women have mental illness or are somehow dependent on this man. If there is neither of those reasons, I have no respect for her. I wouldn’t engage in between such a relationship, if it was my sisters relationship tho, I would kill the man ice cold.

Sid_Insidious · 2020-03-11T15:00:39+00:00

Feminists will tell you every woman in an abusive relationship is not free to walk away. She either has financial dependence or him, or she's afraid if she runs he'll chase her down and kill her. Granted, both scenarios are possible, but I have no numbers either way at my fingertips. (Anecdotal evidence, myself included, shows attempts by family and friends to help such a person get away - including financial help and even moving to a new city - doesn't always work, and she ends up back with Beat Boy.) But that is literally what they say - abused women have NO OPTION but to stay and be abused. The only solution is MORE RESOURCES (=$$$$$) to help these women be adequately independent from these men. But, we all know that even with resources, some women will go back for more from Violent Chad in a second. I think it's a mal-adaptation of a woman's lizard brain desire to be attracted to strong, dominant, and potentially physically aggressive men. With the two women in my (large) family who had abusive partners, one left with family intervention and other took over 5 years to get tired of covering black eyes with makeup.

It's like the 100 pound waif with two 100 pound pitties on a leash. One day, the dogs eat her. But, she enjoyed the power of having two deadly four-legged weapons on that leash. Ever see a woman "sic" her man on others, usually with a malicious shit eating grin? I have. I've also seen this backfire when her protector is knocked cold and her grin turns to a look of hysteria and panic. Kind of makes me feel all warm inside... Anyways, me theory is that women stay with violent men because (a) it gives them tingles and (b) it gives them access to violent power by association. Sure, he beats the hell out of her, but he might also beat the hell out of anyone she points her pathetic little finger at...

There was a new personality disorder that some wanted put into the DSMV ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) called "Self Defeating Personality Disorder".

Self-defeating personality disorder (also known as masochistic personality disorder*) was a proposed* personality disorder. It was discussed in an appendix of the revised third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III-R) in 1987, but was never formally admitted into the manual.

This effort was thwarted by feminists because they felt it specifically targeted women and was just a form of victim blaming. In other words, it's impossible for a woman to display self-defeating behavior - someone, somewhere is ALWAYS to blame for oppressing or exploiting her.

Feminism means women are children with no agency or autonomy. I hope the females blindly supporting feminism are aware of this...

xXxINCELFAGGOTxXx · 2020-03-11T13:23:03+00:00

If you dated a woman who's ex-boyfriend used to punch the shit out of her, and she stayed in the relationship and never reported him (because she "loved" him, not out of fear), would you lose respect for her?

I'd stop dating her.

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it?

Why would I? Not my problem.

paladine76a · 2020-03-11T15:00:55+00:00

Once had a female co worker who was in a relationship like that. She was fresh out of high school and he was a few years older maybe in his early 20s. His mother was actually our boss and saw him as her angel. I started noticing bruises at first on my co worker and then in discussions she would mention his anger and abuse. Always said how much she loved him. His mom noticed the abuse too and tried keeping it a private matter not allowing workers to talk about it. This shithead would come in to our work and the co worker being so obliviously in love with him would be all smiles during the visits.

One day we were talking and her cousin came in and thrust her hand out showing off her engagement ring her boyfriend had just given her. The co worker expressed her congratulations and seemed sad the rest of the day. The next morning she came in with a black eye and walked with pain. The head boss (not his mom, but he also knew of her situation) told me not to discuss it with the co worker at all. I was pissed off all day and we had a bad day at work. Eventually I blew up at the co worker telling her to leave his sorry ass and get help. She cried and whined saying he was in jail and she would leave him telling me the whole story of his abuse how it happened.

She went home that night and asked him about marriage and their lives and he beat her up for it. Had her on the ground in her kitchen kicking her in the back. Real love story right.

Anyways she swears she's done with him and we continue working. Later on in the day he calls her after his mom bailed him out asking her to marry him and begging for forgiveness....this idiot takes him back. She was beaming. Said he was going to marry her and she was so happy. I just said I can't talk to her anymore and she decided to take her anger against him out on me. Lol. So I ended up leaving that job later on. Thought nothing about her or her crazy husband to be.

One day about 6 months later I ran into her in a Walmart and she was preggo. Big time pregnant with a big belly. She tried being friendly and I just walked away. You can't help people like that.

Fluffedbread · 2020-03-11T15:01:09+00:00

-I would already lose respect the moment i hear it.

-Big flag enough for me to gently let her go.

-i would warn others of him and his reputation

OXOzymandias · 2020-03-11T15:10:06+00:00

very damaged people that you should stay the fuck away from.

never met a heavely battered woman, but i knew a girl who has been punched twive by her last bf back when i met her, she was just mental lol.

2020-03-11T14:35:38+00:00

If you dated a woman whose ex-boyfriend used to punch her in the face (hard), and she stayed in the relationship and never reported him (because she "loved" him, not out of fear), would you lose respect for her? How serious of a red flag is it? (Edit: for context, she'd be around 23-24 at the time).

Its not something I would judge as a red flag.

I do think that this is something though, like the n-count which should be kept quiet about. Its sort of like letting a person what you would let someone get away with. Same with dudes who loudmouth whow their ex's were shit for gold digging, cheating, etc, its letting the potential new partner know what they can get away with.

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it? Not necessarily beat up the guy - the scumbag isn't worth a criminal record - but reporting him or warning others.

If anything I would beat him up. I'm not gonna "warn" others, people are not children, they have agency, if thats what they want, so be it. Have you ever tried warning a woman that a dude may be violent, you just get accused of jelousy.

As for reporting him, I'm not a grass.

When a taxi driver tried to rape an ex of mine, my initial response however was to go looking for him with a brick. But my (now) ex, didn't want him to get bricked (dunno why). I was just glad she eventually went to the old bill in the end, as opposed to doing nothing though. But I'm not gonna grass on somebody myself, I prefer to deal with shit my own way.

astrobrah · 2020-03-11T23:26:28+00:00

I have no personal experience here but I am telling you: do not date a woman like this. the negative psychological implications of a person like that are astronomical. in short, used goods. sorry to be blunt

Emervila · 2020-03-11T13:57:32+00:00

would you lose respect for her? How serious of a red flag is it?

Yes, it a HUGE red flag. Not negotiable

would you do anything about it?

Not really, I'm already miles away. She will return to him at some point, they always do.

For all those white knights here

Remember you are no witness and there's no reason to believe everything she said is true. This kind of woman loves those men in a very toxic way they always go back to them and if you pursue some legal action such woman can frame you with violence or any other lie to protect the guy.

bionix90 · 2020-03-11T17:21:10+00:00

Yeah, it's a pretty big red flag. If she didn't have the spine to leave, she's too damaged for me.

PickleLine · 2020-03-11T19:41:17+00:00

I assume that her value system is weighted towards abusive men which is not a fit for me because I'm not abusive. The positive experiences she gets from an abusive man would outweigh the negatives (the beatings and disrespect) in order for her to stay. That says a lot about what she values and her principles.

If you're not an abusive man, you want a woman who isn't predisposed to abusive men. A stable, non-abusive man can't give her what she wants. It's a mismatch.

SherbertBacon · 2020-03-11T20:14:17+00:00

I also have no respect for women who stay in those relationships, when they're free to walk away at any time.

You've got a myth about women in abusive relationships to contend with. How many women do you think are in a situation in which there is no coercion by the man for her to stay? Most abusive men (1) convince the women they are the abusers (when they fight back) (2) threaten police action or convince them of consequences if they decide to leave and (3) emotionally debase and destroy women to convince them they deserve the treatment, they had it coming, and that the man. is justified.

I'm not say women have no power to leave abusive relationships, but arguably next to none believe they are "free to walk away at any time."

If you dated a woman whose ex-boyfriend used to punch her in the face (hard), and she stayed in the relationship and never reported him (because she "loved" him, not out of fear), would you lose respect for her?

No.

How serious of a red flag is it?

She's single now, isn't she? I'd ask her how she feels in light of the past. If she still "loves him" or still believes she "deserved it," I'd end things to tend to therapy. Otherwise, if she's moved on and realized he was an asshole, I see no issue.

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it? Not necessarily beat up the guy - the scumbag isn't worth a criminal record - but reporting him or warning others.

Probably. Cunts deserve to be identified.

DerekMorganBAU · 2020-03-11T22:01:45+00:00

I dated one and I was cool with it. Mostly because it ain't got shit to do with me and she for the most part kept her shit controlled.

However, here's the flip side.

She had bitch tendencies and used to run her mouth and say blatantly disrespectful shit.

I cussed her ass out in the middle of Walmart because she threw a fit over the color of the plastic cups I wanted to get.

I also almost smacked the fire out of her when she implied that I single-handedly ruined her life.

So yea, some bitches that got hit - got hit for a reason. That's the thing no one wants to talk about though.

Reminds me of Bill Burr's "No reason to hit a woman" stand up bit. It explains everything.

Tonga89 · 2020-03-12T00:16:40+00:00

I wouldn't date any woman with any kind of past violence/rape/abuse/psycological trauma. Even if it was a one time thing, that would be a hard pass for me.

I've met a girl that couldn't do it turning her back at me becouse she was afraid I would shove it in her ass without asking like her ex did.

Even the most stupid shit is sometimes too much from some women. I know it's not their fault but neither is mine.

KazROFL · 2020-03-12T03:50:30+00:00

If you dated a woman whose ex-boyfriend used to punch her in the face (hard), and she stayed in the relationship and never reported him (because she "loved" him, not out of fear), would you lose respect for her?

yeah I would run the hell away because it's only a matter of time until she relapses.

How serious of a red flag is it?

blood dripping red

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it?

warn others, what else could i do?

It never has been a problem for me because these women don't really hide it, they wear it like a badge of honor.

Clempot · 2020-03-12T10:37:56+00:00

[deleted]

TheColdestHand · 2020-03-11T13:41:47+00:00

I’d leave her. What she’s essentially said to me is “I know we live in a hard world in which people take advantage of prey, but I’m a push over and I’ll let someone do that to me”.

I wouldn’t have anything to say to her former partner... what would I possibly want to say?

passepar2t · 2020-03-11T13:25:05+00:00

I wouldn't so much lose respect for her as I'd treat her like she's unexploded ordnance and gently extricate myself from that relationship.

That sort of history sets off my alarm bells and slightly creeps me out through no fault of her own. Call me a coward but I'd be worried that the consequences of her prior abuse would explode in my face, ironically because I'm not a partner-beating scumbag.

I wouldn't do anything to the guy because I'm not Batman. I would lose most fistfights and I don't want to go to prison for assault.

NOTSM · 2020-03-11T13:55:36+00:00

If you dated a woman whose ex-boyfriend used to punch her in the face (hard), and she stayed in the relationship and never reported him (because she "loved" him, not out of fear), would you lose respect for her? How serious of a red flag is it?

I'd lose all respect I had for her and I'd immediately cut things off. This is one of my few hard deal breakers

And, if you knew who the guy was, would you do anything about it?

Lol, fuck no

wtknight · 2020-03-11T13:47:07+00:00

would you lose respect for her?

No. I’d feel sorry for her and hope that she learned something.

but reporting him or warning others.

I’d do some legal research to see what could be done. If he was dating someone whom I knew I would definitely tell her.

M4sterDis4ster · 2020-03-11T17:09:42+00:00

My friend was like that.

Her ex-boyfriend and I are good friends. She abused him emotionally for years. Blackmailing, calling every hour, sending messages. If he didnt respond immediatelly, she accused him of cheating. She belittled him every day.

One day she broke up with him and already found a new guy. When I first met him, I already saw that he is abuser. He was showing me pictures how he kills cats. She had a rabbit pet. Day after her new boyfriend came for oversleep, she found that rabbit dead. It died from natural cause, she said. Everything she did, was just trying to hide how much her new boyfriend loves killing. She moved away with him in another city. Last what I heard, they broke up. I can only imagine why.

My point is : Like attracts like.

Hard pass on such women.

PapaPinyun · 2020-03-12T01:55:40+00:00

I don't think I would like, actively just go pursue "doing something," but if he was around I would talk the meanest and most degrading shit talk until his aggression gave me legal protections in smashing my hands and elbows against his face and collar bones and rib cage. If he was obviously physically more dangerous I would just do the same thing but under a camera owned/operated by someone with money and responsibility in a civil suit

lilsaihah · 2020-03-12T06:41:53+00:00

Would I lose respect for her? I don't know. I don't think so. Not just on the back of those facts.

How serious a red flag would it be? It would be somewhere between 'let her down gently' and 'immediately ghost'. At the very least, she's attracted on some level to something that I definitely am not.

If I knew who the guy was? I'd just keep my distance probably. There's not much that I could really do about it, it's not my place, and I don't really have strong enough evidence to do anything.

acenosk · 2020-03-11T14:04:33+00:00

Of course I'd lose respect for her.

Most women who get beaten are dumb as rocks.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2020-03-11T14:35:09+00:00

Would bail out, she's going to go back to him, or leave you for someone like him, or try and turn you into him.

says_harsh_things · 2020-03-11T13:51:26+00:00

Report the guy? Haha, seriously? Teacher! Teacher! The other kid is being mean!

Other people's problems are not my own.

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2020-03-11T13:36:12+00:00

A dark Chad

41013 · 2020-03-11T15:17:55+00:00

The woman you are describing comprises a small minority of abusive relationships. Seriously. I used to think like you did, and then I started reading the subs here. Financial dependence and children were prevalent/in the majority, and of the remainder, the following characteristics popped up again and again, to the point where you could play “Abusive relationship bingo”

Mental illness (by far the largest)

Abusive childhood

Age gap/grooming

Physical disability

The women in these relationships are, overwhelmingly, not normal, usually through no fault of their own. Most of them are also unable to see how these factors affect their current relationship.

Silverfox17421 · 2020-03-11T15:25:18+00:00

Definitely do not stay with her. If she stayed with him out of love, then she likes bad, violent men, and she will call you a pussy and dump you for not treating her shitty enough.

If she stayed because she was Stockholmed, fine. That's a good enough reason.

Ending up with one violent man over another is bad news. She's no good. She likes violent men and she will dump you because you're too nice. Many women have broken up with me for not treating them shitty enough. Been through this shit many times, and I am getting so tired of it. Recently, three young women aged 18-20.

Believe it or not, a lot of women want to be and love to be treated like shit by bad men. A number even like men who hit and beat them. Probably 1/3 of women are like this - they like bad men.

Much more common in young women 18-30, but some never grow out of it and stay this way into their 50's, by which time they have been violently raped, gotten the shit beat out of them, had guns pulled on them and were threatened with them, been tied up, held captive and raped for hours on end, had men wake up next to them and try to strangle them in their sleep, and have even been been beaten and raped so badly they nearly died. A number of these more than once.

I dated a 50 year old woman who had this life history. She dumped me. A friend told me she dumped me because I was too nice.

GreenSatyr · 2020-03-11T16:13:42+00:00

I understand what you're getting at with being hesitant to date someone who doesn't know when to walk away - but the way you're talking about this, about not having sympathy or respect for someone who opened up to you about a painful experience, is really fucked up

crookedsummer2019 · 2020-03-11T16:15:44+00:00

While some women may stay because she loves the abuser, many stay because they have a financial dependency on the guy. I used to work a a woman’s shelter and about 20% went back to live with the abuser because it’s that or the street or a run down apt in a crime ridden area where it’s not safe to live, in one the most expensive cities in Canada to live. Contrary to popular belief, not all divorced women get the house and the car and the cottage etc because not all divorced women are with wealthy husbands.

I’m not saying financial dependency is a logical reason for staying or even a valid reason, but, just as there is more than one reason outside of love for marrying someone, there’s more than one reason outside of love for staying when the marriage is broken.

Also, abusers tend to target certain women who they can easily control and isolate from their friends and family. At the shelter I heard stories of women being told to quit school or their jobs because he will ‘take care’ of her. Well that’s one way to control her of course, make her dependent on him to survive.

What does it say about those women? That they unfortunately have low self esteem and other issues that yeah, may not make them a candidate for a girlfriend but they are not trash, just broken people who could use support to empower themselves.

loud-kirin · 2020-03-11T16:41:48+00:00

If she hits him first then I dont care but starting violence is always bad

statusincorporated · 2020-03-11T23:08:36+00:00

Lol

Go join a club you really like.

Become friends with the leader of that club, who has 100 pounds of mass on you and is nearly a foot taller.

He beats the shit out of you just for fun or to 'toughen you up' and tells you that if you tell anyone or leave the club, he and his friends will find you and fucking kill you.

If you say you wouldn't remain at the club, you're a liar. Every guy is an alfabadass until life shows them that ya...ya ain't.

CosmicBioHazard · 2020-03-12T10:20:27+00:00

I've known a few women who've gotten out of such a situation and they all behave like the 'adopted pet' of the friend group; somewhat traumatized and apparently in need of affection, which the friend group happily chips in to provide.

Now as likely as I am to score "physical touch" on one of those "love language" tests, and as much as these types of women line up with that, fact of the matter is that someone like that is extremely vulnerable and to date one would be constant worry, you'd have this unshakeable feeling that you were taking advantage.

I don't want to be hyperbolic, so try not to take it that way, but until such a woman were to make a recovery from the trauma, trying to court her leaves a bad taste for similar, though obviously not identical reasons to paedophilia.

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craftedht · 2020-03-11T15:05:24+00:00

Why is it that you've reached a conclusion about something you clearly know nothing about? There is a wealth of research regarding why persons (men included) stay in abusive relationships, including as you correctly noted, a dependence (financial, emotional, etc). While yes, a person can "walk away," that is not as simple or easy as it sounds. What I've learned from dating a number of people with a variety of traumatic experiences is that ANYONE is suspectible to abuse, and perfectly good people can and do become abusers. There are risk factors of course. But the women whom I respect the most have endured abusive relationships, and they are often stronger and healthier than you or I for having transcended that experience. It's the people who lack the empathy and vulnerability to look at their predispositions and judgments are not worth my time. And that includes you.

Title	Women who stay with violent boyfriends
Author	Clempot
Upvotes	5
Comments	132
Date	March 11, 2020 1:14 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/fgwyca/women_who_stay_with_violent_boyfriends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-who-stay-with-violent-boyfriends.354525 https://theredarchive.com/post/354525

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