So I was browsing AskTRP about an hour ago when I saw a post re: one of our guys thinking about quitting drinking (a subject near and dear to my heart, 6 years sober here); I left a lengthy reply and, after receiving a request to make the comment itself its own post in TRP proper, am doing so here. Enjoy--
SUMMARY
So you're thinking about quitting drinking BUT 1) you're worried you're gonna lose all your friends (and are never gonna be able to go out and have fun again, without boozing), and 2) even worse, you're terrified you're never gonna get laid ever again, without the booze to do all the work!! Relax, grasshopper--we got your covered. Read on: the rest of your life is waiting...
BODY (what follows is the original comment I left in AskTRP)
So I was in exactly your position 6 years ago (my sober bday is Sep 7 2010), didn't start drinking until a little bit later in life (19), moved to NYC at 25 (downtown Manhattan, man what a scene) and partied my ass off nonstop for almost 10 years. It wasn't until I was 34 that I finally realized "Oh shit, wait a sec, this is IT, this is my WHOLE LIFE. All those dreams I have of finishing that script, making that movie, being a Hollywood success story, NONE OF THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN IF I CONTINUE TO DRINK AT THE RATE I'M CURRENTLY DRINKING."
A lot of people think that alcoholics have to hit this kind of horrible bottom before waking up and realizing they're alcoholics. Like: I lost my job, my wife left me, I ran over the cat with the car, I found myself homeless, etc etc. The fact is--
The only "bottom" you need to hit is the realization that your drinking is keeping you from properly making your mark on the world. That's it. Whether it's your dream to be an artist, an entrepreneur, whatever it may be, once you realize that you can't drink like a champ and, at the same time, ACTUALLY BE A CHAMP, that's when it "clicks" and you realize the drinking has to go.
So, a few things--
-- When you first decide to give up drinking, you're going to think: wow, am I going to lose all my friends?? All we do is drink together, if I stop drinking, are they all gonna go away??
-- Right after that you're going to think: geez, am I ever gonna get laid again? All the sex I've ever had has been me, drunk, getting with drunk girls. The booze always provides all the horsepower to the "seduction". How on earth am I gonna go on a date (let alone hook up) with a women totally sober?? (I'm actually writing a book about exactly this right now, called 5 YEARS OF SOBER DATING IN NEW YORK AND LA, I'll be giving it away for free on TRP so check for that later.)
The answer to both of the above questions is: yes, your social circle will absolutely change, but for the better, and yes, you WILL get laid again after getting sober (and the attractiveness level of your partners will actually go way UP), in both cases, however, it requires you learning a skillset that you haven't yet learned (being social without drinking), however you CAN learn it, and you WILL learn it, but I'll tell you right now, it's going to take a few years, so just accept, RIGHT NOW, that your first 18 months of sobriety is gonna be just you getting your sober legs under you and rediscovering who you are as a human being. After that, maybe in year 2 or 3, you'll take a look around and realize wow, I have all these great new friends! And wow, I'm getting laid all the time!! But it won't happen overnight. Like many things preached on TRP (lifting, learning game etc) this is a process, a transformation, that will take several years. So plan accordingly.
So--to go to AA or not to go to AA? Basically: yes, I HIGHLY recommend you at least check out some ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS meetings in your area (google for more). It's free, there's no reason not to check it out, if you love it then stay, if you don't like it you've lost nothing, you can always get up and walk out at any time. I recommend going to AT LEAST 5 meetings before deciding if AA is right for you. Me: I went to AA a few times a week for the first 2 years or so of my sobriety, never really liked it, never really felt like I belonged, but I'm glad it was there and I did pick up a few useful tools.
That having been said, YOU DON'T NEED AA NECESSARILY (despite AA's claims to the contrary), BUT YOU DO NEED SOMETHING. Drinking has been a huge part of your life, a huge time / money / energy sink. If you don't replace it with something else, you're going to start drinking again. There is no way around this. (One of the reasons AA can be useful in the beginning: it gives you someplace to go and something to do a few nights a week, when all your mates are out drinking).
Honestly, if you asked me how I get sober, I'd say: FALLOUT 3, METAL GEAR SOLID 4, and MASS EFFECT 1 & 2. My first few months, I pretty much just sat on the couch and played video games. (Talk about a time sink...) But you know what, it worked--it kept me out of the bars (especially at night), clean and sober. After a few months I felt like I could go out again (and not drink), and I did, and it was fine. But that first few months, that time is SOOO crucial. Get a hobby, find your "thing", and stick to it. Video games. Movies. Cooking. Gardening. I don't care just pick something to get obsessed about (that isn't drinking) and get obsessed. It's that obsession that'll get you through the first phase of your newfound sobriety (and if your new obsession is AA, as it is for many, then great. But it doesn't have to be.)
These days I go to AA once a year just for the hell of it, so like I said AA, for me, was somewhat useful in the beginning (though I never really dove in all the way)--you may love it, or you may hate it, but definitely check it out and give it a chance, you owe it to yourself.
As for sex--don't even think about getting laid during your first year. If it happens it happens but don't spend any energy pursuing it. The first year is all about YOU, YOUR HEALTH, YOUR BODY. There will be plenty of better, hotter chicks waiting for you once you're sober in the second and third years (and beyond).
I'll be writing up a longer series of posts re: sober dating etc once I've wrapped the book but this should get you started for now, any questions etc feel free to ask in the comments. Best of luck. And know this--
Your whole life is still ahead of you. Every person I've ever known who's quit drinking (myself included), we all say the same thing: I WISH I'D GOTTEN SOBER SOONER. Don't put it off anymore. Don't wait for that special occasion to quit. Today's the day. Start right now. Take the first step, and the rest will take care of itself.
(End of original comment)
SUMMARY (I'll just add a little extra bit here...)
The Big Book of AA says "If you think you have a problem with drinking, you probably do." Let me amend that: "If you think you have a problem with drinking, YOU DO." There is no "probably". Congrats!! You've been diagnosed. YOU HAVE THE CANCER. Either you treat it now, get better (get sober), and get on with your life--or, it takes you down and kills you. Of course it may not drop you dead (literally) right away, it might be more of a "death by a thousand cuts" (or a thousand drinks), over years, or even decades. A life spent drinking, rather than DOING. Rather than manifesting your dreams. A life spent operating at just 50% of your potential (the booze consuming the other 50). A life of mediocrity. (That novel you want to write: forever unwritten. That business you want to start: never begun.) And all because you're terrified you're gonna be totally alone once you leave the drinks behind.
The fact is: you CAN get sober, you CAN make friends sober, and you CAN get laid sober. And like I said, your newfound sober friends and sexual partners will be BETTER than the ones you had during your drunk days. You just need to learn the skillset of going out, being social, and being seductive without the aid of alcohol. It's the hardest thing you'll ever learn as part of TRP, it will take years, but if you do learn it, you've mastered the game on hard mode. Everything else after that is a cakewalk by comparison.
(P.S. Any fellow Recovering Alcoholics in TRP? I'd love to hear from you in the comments, particularly re: your experiences with sober dating etc.)
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