How often do you expect to hear from your partner?

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-05-07T18:54:05+00:00

You clearly communicated your standards and he couldn’t meet them. It’s not that he’s clueless. He knows clearly what he’s doing is subpar, but he just doesn’t care. I’ve experienced something exactly the same as you, except that I haven’t dated him for 7 months. But everything else is the same - he showed he cared early on, and then he only got in touch 1-2 times a day. I communicated but nothing changed. So I decided to cut him off and save myself from the disappointment

Just distance yourself from him for now. If he comes back to meet your standards, good. If not, he doesn’t care and he’s not worth it

missdopamine · 2020-05-07T19:44:06+00:00

Ahh...yea I was dating a guy who was like this. Very communicative at first and then did the bare minimum and didn’t change behavior once I said I wasn’t ok with it. I also felt like half the time I saw him, he seemed annoyed.

Anyway I thought of breaking up with him and I should have, but he ended up breaking up with me. He said his feelings were gone. I was depressed for like 3-4 days but then it was like such a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was HAPPY again. I wasn’t agonizing 24/7 about wondering whether he was actually into me. Also he was eating cereal across the table from me while breaking up with me. Argh.

Moral of the story - if you don’t feel loved, it ain’t worth it. Even if it’s great when you’re actually together.

minklash00 · 2020-05-07T19:49:02+00:00

At first I was going to ask “is he working more”? But that’s not an excuse nor is it relevant, especially if he was all in during your honeymoon phase. Been there, done that. Unfortunately it doesn’t get better - if anything worse (especially if you’ve already done your part by communicating). Sorry pretty lady, start moving on.

understatedalways · 2020-05-07T20:50:30+00:00

My partner better be texting me good morning, goodnight, multiple times in between and at least a phone call a day or he can walk.

gahby · 2020-05-07T18:40:23+00:00

I suppose it depends on the seriousness of the relationship, but even then I expect to hear from my partner everyday. We've been together 3 years so I expect regular communication.

throwaway715123 · 2020-05-07T19:42:50+00:00

Excuse me,English is not my first language.

We are in the similar situation.He texts me everyday but he got promoted a month ago he has been very busy since then.(He works from home).I am used to him texting me goodnight everyday.At the beginning of the promotion,he felt asleep early and forgot about that.This happened twice.

So I got upset and told him I wanted him to text me goodnight before he falls asleep no matter how tired he is.And he said he would.And he did.

Honestly I am probably more needy than you,especially during the quarantine.But I don't think that's unreasonable to expect my boyfriend to give me the attention I want.Texting is not a big effort,especially you two have a habit of texting often.So there is no excuse to text less during quarantine,unless he doesn't care about your feelings.

And on another note,I hate women using negative tone expressing their needs,like needy,emotional,crazy,etc.When a man expects his blow job,would he describe that need as horny or perverted?We should not be ashamed of our emotional needs.

SureEmployment4 · 2020-05-07T19:52:20+00:00

Some people aren’t big on texting, I consider myself one of those people. I like to have things to chat about when I see my boyfriend, and texting is boring to me.

HOWEVER you are being beyond reasonable considering you’re not even seeing him! This guy should be calling you, FaceTiming you, suggesting some way to connect with you during quarantine. He could send you dinner (hell, I even sent one of my good friends her favorite pizza. the standard should be higher for a s/o), he could have a book delivered to your home so you can both read and discuss it, screen share a movie.. he should be doing something for you during this time.

All you’re asking for is some lousy texts, and he is barely giving you that.

Honestly I wouldn’t stay with someone that’s treating me so carelessly. I think how someone treats you during difficult times like this speaks volumes.

tinyprimal · 2020-05-08T06:45:15+00:00

As an anxious attachment style myself I can confirm so much of the advice here about having your own fulfillment and not going to him about all your emotions on the situation. To add to the already great insight here, if you do create distance from him try to genuinely do it from a space of being too busy to bother. Not out of being so hurt about his neglect but because you are interested in and focused on the parts of your life that don't involve him. If the distance we create is meant to punish them or make them chase us, it backfires.

The times in my life were I have attracted high value behaviour and chasing has been when I honest to god was so busy and happy in my life, time flew by and I forgot about even contacting them. I totally get the frustration and fixation on what he is or isn't doing, but the ultimate power for us as women is to put our focus on ourselves and only allow space in our lives for men who add value. The only reward they should get is for good behavior and that reward is your time and focus.

If he's not, turn your focus back to your life and creating real fulfillment there, again not to punish or push him away but to walk towards your personal happiness. It's eerie how this works energetically too, men have a sixth sense for when we are focused negatively on them, stewing and resenting and worrying. I swear it is some primal survival instinct they have.

When they feel your absence (including the absence of them in your thoughts), they seek you out. Then it is just up to you whether you want them around or not. Can't say enough how much power you have as a woman but only if you focus your attention on you first.

Capable_Okra · 2020-05-07T21:41:16+00:00

Don't ask "am I being needy" because everyone is different and every relationship is different. Some people want to chat all day every day and others are fine with contact once every few days. Anything along that spectrum is ACCEPTABLE as long as both parties are getting their needs met. It's more important to ask yourself "is this the kind of relationship that works for ME?" If you've communicated your needs and he isn't meeting you there, then I wouldn't consider him a HVM if communication is important to you in a relationship. Your needs are valid and there's no external objective barometer that can say what you want is right or wrong. You're allowed to desire a certain level of communication and expect that from your partner. I'm someone who likes a lot of communication during the day and I will tell you, I dated someone for 4 years who didn't care to text a lot and it really sucked. You can express your needs til you're blue in the face but it's up to the guy if he will listen and make compromises to be with you. If he doesn't listen, is he really a HVM?

blair2006 · 2020-05-07T19:49:00+00:00

Same I’m really needy (lol) and if I don’t have consistent communication it puts my anxiety into over drive and makes me afraid they aren’t interested in me. Next time I date someone I’m going to try to be more firm on what I want because being “sweet and accommodating” keeps getting me broken up with.

jesza09 · 2020-05-08T00:12:30+00:00

Once a man feels like he’s got you on the hook, he will put in less effort because he thinks he doesn’t need to try win you over anymore, he’s already got you. Telling him how you feel as far as wanting to hear from him more and that if you don’t you think he hates you and doesn’t want you, just reinforces that to him. Even HVM are still men and nobody responds well to neediness. Men don’t respond to emotions, men respond to no contact, I would back away and focus on yourself, if he really is HV he will see the error of his ways and try to rectify things immediately and if he doesn’t then he’s not, good luck.

xlillinxysx · 2020-05-08T00:30:45+00:00

My LVX would never contact me more no matter how much I begged him. For months and months I begged him to give me a call once a day, send me a message occasionally, it would make me feel wanted and like he cared.

He never changed, and always blamed me because "well if you want to call just call". I explained that if I called it wouldn't fulfil my need of him contacting me and making me feel wanted and cared for. I would literally cry to him about it. And he never changed.

The lack of care, or respect, or love was just unbelievable. On top of that he emotionally abused me in other aspects of our relationship too.

If you want to keep trying with him, go for it. But it's a waste of time unfortunately. If he wanted to contact you he would contact you. If he wanted to pursue you like at the beginning of the relationship he would. I'm sorry.

You'll feel better when you get rid of him, I do anyway.

loftycries · 2020-05-07T19:29:54+00:00

[deleted]

Dimethylchlorine · 2020-05-08T04:31:35+00:00

Let me tell you, this will get worse. I agree with the other ladies, take this time to distance yourself and get ready to leave. He showed that he isn’t willing to put in the effort. A similar thing happened to me where he knew he should be doing more, he did it for the first month and then back to no communication. It’s not worth it, you will get more attached over time and you will also start to resent him more and more.

I was so much happier when I left. In both scenarios of being with him or single I was lonely but at least I wasn’t disappointed all the time.

teallavender · 2020-05-07T20:56:59+00:00

This was what happened in my previous relationship too. He would regularly text at the start, then slowly it just sort of dwindled down into breadcrumbing. Kept making excuses like looking at his phone screen hurts his eyes (yet i guess gaming for hours doesn't?) and that he's bad at texting/bad at relationships. But really, it ultimately shows he's not investing in you as much as you are in him. You're not being needy, your standards are valid and you've already communicated this to him. The ball is in his court now. Him not respecting your standards and giving half-assed excuses just means he isn't worth your time. You are right, he's treating you as a convenient girlfriend when you're worth so much more than that. And he'll most likely keep doing this because he thinks you'll be there no matter what. You have to firmly stand by your boundaries and your expectations and let him know you won't put up with that.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-05-08T05:19:04+00:00

Toxic relationships should be avoided at all times.

If you feel mentally strained from a relationship, then you are being manipulated. No HVM would dare treat you like he is treating you.

Your needs are not unreasonable. He doesn’t want to converse with you. If he did, then he would.

devoushka · 2020-05-09T04:19:36+00:00

I had the same exact experience, when my ex pursued me he texted all day every day, literally as soon as I said yes to being his gf he felt it was okay to leave me on read for 15 hours. I said that wasn't okay and he basically laughed and changed nothing, and I stayed with him like an idiot thinking "it's just texting." I think if you get out now you'd be way better off, or downgrade the relationship to non exclusive, telling him he's not meeting your needs so you need to be free to meet other men.

throwawayitst · 2020-05-07T20:42:12+00:00

If you focus on your self and your hobbies and make distance from him trust me that he’ll wanna want more connection too. Look up the pursuer distancer dance. It might not be worth it for you to go through the pain thag comes from feeling like a lover is rejecting you but its worth it! Step away, do mindfulness training so you aren’t thinking about him, focus on your hobbies, passions learning, watch tv, whatever makes you happy. Work on your individuality. Cant loose that in a relationship without it feeling unfulfilling

Alarmed-Tangelo · 2020-05-07T21:20:46+00:00

Do you communicate with him other than texting? Do you Facetime or talk on the phone?

I would expect to hear from them at least three times a day while he's working: once in the morning before work, break at work, and at night after work. If he's off work, I would try to call them or video chat at least once a day. Simply because everyone is glued to their phones now. Unless he is doing a technology detox, there is no real explanation other than he doesn't feel like talking to you.

You are not being needy. Communication is an important part of a relationship.

gimmeyourbadinage · 2020-05-08T16:07:41+00:00

I expect to hear from him exactly as often as I expressed I need to hear from him.

“I know when you first start dating once every few days is fine”

^{^} only it’s not, you said that was a major green flag for you in the beginning. He’s getting lazy because he feels like the hard part is over and he got what he wanted. If you’re quarantined apart, more communication daily is the lowest bar.

TheStar_XVII · 2020-05-08T13:59:49+00:00

For me personally, texting is not very important to me. When my partner first started courting me he would text me almost constantly throughout the day, and I told him that was unnecessary and I'd prefer to get to know each other in person. He said he's not a big texter either and he was relieved. He said he knows most women are and he was trying to meet me at my (assumed) expectation level.

We've now been dating for about 10 months. On average we have a brief text conversation once a day, but we do skip some. He does call me almost every night, and I could honestly even do without that because I don't feel like we have enough to talk about being in quarantine. But it shows he cares.

Anyway, the point is that a quality partner will do something that doesn't come naturally to them to try to please you. It sounds like he knows that you prefer multiple texts a day, and he's not making an effort.

TradcatAlice · 2020-05-07T23:53:13+00:00

It's called love bombing hon. Read the FDS Handbook it's a godsend.

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