So I made the choice (mistake) to get back on "the apps". A decision I regret daily, if not more frequently than that. At this point I'm not looking for a serious relationship as I'm moving in a few months but I'm also not completely disregarding going on dates as I think "monk mode" is silly. I'm also upfront about the fact that I'm leaving but still open to meeting people and seeing what happens. It's more psychological experiment than looking for my soulmate.

I say all that to say, the amount of guys who are just looking for casual sex is astounding. Not even just on tinder, but also on the other apps that are more geared towards relationships. For every genuine guy who starts a conversation, there's 20 guys who hit you with the "wyd", "u up", "what are u looking 4?" and various other bullshit that just means, "I want to fuck" (double points for the dudes who literally just say "I want to fuck" as their conversation starter, those absolute kings).

I made a post yesterday about how in Ali Wong's new book, she talks about men paying for the first date is a sign of effort and an indication of interest and is only fair since we go through extra efforts to be presentable in society. Nobody ever said "he has to pay for literally every interaction, ever, for the rest of time." I don't believe that and I definitely didn't say it. That being said, the PickMes and the men hit the post and my inbox with a bunch of whinging bullshit about gold digging sluts and "but my boyfriend and I split everything and he totally respects me and almost never cheats". Like, ok, congrats. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'll say it again, paying for dates is a sign of effort. In the same way that I show up with my hair done, nails done, wearing expensive perfume, wearing non-Walmart branded attire, after getting my body lasered and my eyebrows waxed and the million other shitty things we have to do to be presentable as women. Do men have to put in effort to look good? Kinda. Maybe a decent shirt, real pants if we're lucky, a haircut every few months. But they could also ask out the girls who choose to do none of that effort and they can sit around in sweatpants looking like trash together and pay for the KFC bucket split between them while they watch hentai. Whatever, low effort shit.

But I'm getting off topic. Women are dragged for wanting a man to show effort. Open doors, buy the first dinner, make actual plans in advance and communicate those plans effectively. These are not huge things. In fact, the fact that these things are even negotiable would be laughable 10 years, but dating is dead so here we are. Women are equally dragged if we don't put in effort. Our looks are a public commodity, open for ridicule if we don't maintain high physical standards for ourselves.

Which gets me back to my recent OLD experience. Why is it perfectly acceptable, expected, and totally OK for random dudes to degrade me, attempt to use me for sex, ask me to put my bodily safety at risk, so they can masturbate with my body? Why is the state of dating such that I get 10x more propositions for "NSA FWB fun" than I do an actual, sit-down, look-each-other-in-the-eyes, honest-to-goodness, conversation date? This is some stone cold bullshit. And mens' appearance isn't nearly as closely scrutinized and gatekept for date-ability.

And don't talk to me about "well you're asking for it, you're on apps." This is a strawman. Everyone is on apps. Doctors. Lawyers. My roommate. Acting like women are asking for it because they're on tinder is so fucking stupid I literally can't even.

I had a convo with a guy on tinder yesterday. He said "can you ditch work for an hour and come fuck?" I truly do not understand if men understand how work, works or the logistical ridiculousness of this question because I have heard it, no joke, 3 times in the last two weeks. I told him, "I don't have sex with strangers." and he said "I respect that, I don't either". Fucking lol. He asked, "will you make an exception for me?" and I said "why would I put my safety at risk for your enjoyment?" and he said, verbatim, "well I guess I should become a not stranger".

We want effort. Men want to put in literally the least amount of effort possible. If we start out meeting them "halfway", it'll be mere days before he's expecting you to be okay with the lowest effort. Not just in "who pays for dates", in everything. You'll stop going on dates and start "hanging out". He'll shower less. He'll start expecting you to cook and clean more. He'll stop trying in bed. If you allow a man to take an inch, they'll take the whole fucking mile and then lose respect for you for giving anything at all. He'll say "you've changed!" because you regressed to the slums with him. The reality is, he wants you to put in effort, not him. If you think I'm exaggerating, you just... haven't met men?

Men are pragmatic in their approach to relationships. "I want sex for the least amount of effort because it makes me feel good. I don't respect girls that give me sex easily because if she sleeps with me for no effort, she's sleeping with anyone for no effort and why should I value her time and body if she doesn't? To get sex, I have to try exactly this much and put forth this much time and energy." And don't be confused, guys will shit test you. They'll see if they can slack on being reliable, dressing well, putting in the work, and they'll calibrate their effort accordingly, which is why we have to hold ourselves to rigorous standards an expect the same of the people we allow into our lives (and bodies).

If you think I'm wrong, please start giving those low effort men your precious time. Start sleeping with people who haven't earned it. Devalue yourself to learn the very expensive lesson that you don't mean shit to someone that thinks buying dinner is too much. Going on dates is too much commitment. Or learn from the collective mistakes of the women in this sub and realize that having high standards is the only way to maintain your integrity and self respect. Your standards and self-worth will be the only thing standing between you and a thousand men who see you as absolutely nothing but cheap recreation.