If a man says he was abused

Breesasha · 2021-01-09T02:20:05+00:00

It may be controversial but I agree. I had a guy tell me early on when dating that he was physically abused by his dad as a kid. He wanted me to have sympathy on him. It was awkward tho cuz he relied on that excuse for why he couldn't maintain a job or be a productive adult in general. He would say how his dad never loved him or showed him how to be a man. So he couldn't hold it together on a job or be responsible or be thoughtful in a relationship.

AbundantOverflow · 2021-01-09T02:24:20+00:00

Spot on.

Add “She disrespected me.” to the list.

evergreenarchivist · 2021-01-09T02:37:16+00:00

The red flag here is that these men are using their abuse as a tool to manipulate others, instead of healing. They have made the choice- conscious or not- not to heal themselves, because they believe that manipulating women into potential pity sex/situationships/etc is a higher priority.

Do men get abused and hurt? Yes. A HVM response is to seek the help and treatment he needs to heal. The LVM response is to put his trauma on women in a manipulative and sadistic manner.

Women get abused too. Part of leveling up is identifying abuse in your past and working through it so that you can be whole and complete on your own. Like with many things, the situation itself is simply what it is, but what makes or breaks the person is what they choose to do next.

jjlew922 · 2021-01-09T02:27:53+00:00

Most veritably and certainly! If he plays the victim and can not articulately state his own contribution to the break down, get out. Women when they commit give it their all to make a relationship work by and large. Any “abuse” the man suffered most likely was by his own making. No person can be poked and prodded and disrespected without lashing back, that’s human nature. I dated a guy who played the victim and yes his wife cheated and lied to him over several years but guess what, I finally was able to reconcile he’s the most insidious and slimly of narcissists - the Machiavellian - with his cool and calculated ambient abuse finally showing its colors. It takes time. A man who plays the victim is manipulating female empathy to his own game. Only a matter of time until you become that crazy ex too so he can keep up the drama and continue as the victim. Also they’re by and large liars. Caught 3 guys in this scenario given my age range (35-45) as most are divorced, BYE!!!

azureangel35 · 2021-01-09T03:42:47+00:00

Also: if he says "it takes a lot to get me mad and she knew just how to do it" or any variation. He is an abuser. RUN

eluriaeve · 2021-01-09T02:36:03+00:00

I have had this happen to me several times with people I’ve dated. They all turned out to be:

Drug addict. My age. (Said he was clean, lied.) Currently in prison for killing someone.
Drug addict. 10 years older than me. Hid it really well. I had NO idea. Compared his ex to Satan. Said he died one day while she was yelling at and berating him. She had to call 911 and he was revived. Probably bc of drugs now that I think about it. Asked me to marry him and left me pregnant and alone. Ghosted while I was at work one day.
Drug addict. 15 yrs older than me. Traumatized by his ex dying in front of him, in a car accident that they were in. (Said he was long time sober, also lied). Invited other addicts into my house to steal my shit while I was at work. Abusive. Couldn’t find a job so I ended up supporting us both for 1.5 years while I was making like $9hr 🤡
Alcoholic. Told me that he was sexually abused while growing up (a day after we started talking) and that his recent ex was emotionally abusive, controlling, and cheated on him. Definite narc 100%. I can’t even get into all the abuse and trauma from that relationship, but you’ve probably seen some of my anecdotes and stories. That poor woman, he must have drove her fucking crazy. I spent half the time that she did with him and I still can’t function from all the trauma.
10 yrs younger than me. BPD with narc tendencies. Sex addict and fuckboy. Said his ex physically abused and beat him. I looked him up and turns out he spent time in jail for choking her out.

If anyone ever tells me he was abused or traumatized again I am going to RUN THE FUCK AWAY IMMEDIATELY. I doubt I will ever date after this though. If you have any questions about how any of this played out, please ask.

azureangel35 · 2021-01-09T03:40:21+00:00

100%. RUN if a man leads with this. And by leads, I mean mentions in the first few weeks.

Platipus6 · 2021-01-09T03:21:12+00:00

"She pushed my buttons"

Yeah she probably enforced boundaries against his multiple violations and disrespect and that "stung" his entitled feefees.

Meanwhile he was pushing my buttons like someone on crack playing 'the flight of the bumblebee'

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-01-09T04:35:56+00:00

Be very very aware of the sob stories. No, he's not opening up to you because you're so easy to talk to. No, he isn't showing softness. He knows you have a heart and wants to manipulate that at any cost

SeaNegotiation8 · 2021-01-09T07:19:37+00:00

I had a guy try to initiate trauma bonding with me once in a failed attempt to hook up with me. He told me he too knew what it was like to be in an abusive relationship. He told me that he had been abused by his ex girlfriend, the poor dear.

I began to feel bad for him, but then he described the injuries she inflicted on him, and something about it made my skin crawl.

Scratches. On his chest. From her fingernails. That was it.

Now I’ve done some work in forensic healthcare, and it’s no secret how this type of injury happens. No one, man or woman, is dumb enough to preemptive attack a grown man with their fingernails, not when you have a whole kitchen full of knives. When someone is using their fingernails as a weapon it’s because their situation is so dire and desperate that they simply can’t access a better weapon. People usually use their fingernails when they are being strangled, for instance.

So yeah, I looked him up later. Sure enough, he had an arrest for domestic violence.

Kellianny · 2021-01-09T06:04:13+00:00

Yup. My ex abused me physically. He tells people I physically abused him.

He's 6'2 and 240 lbs. Sure, dude.

staywiththecrown · 2021-01-09T07:10:14+00:00

[deleted]

SnooPears4676 · 2021-01-09T05:01:09+00:00

Maybe I am going off on a tangent from the OP here, but regarding "she cheated on me"....I have had the strong opinion for years that guys try to use this simple answer as a socially-acceptable way to blame their ex for the relationship going wrong and by slut shaming, they take zero responsibility for the demise of the relationship and avoid doing any work on their shit relationship habits.

Women, generally, want secure and loving relationships where they get attention and great sex. Why would anyone cheat if they are honestly getting that at home. Believe me, she wasn't getting it. This is NOT to condone cheating at all! I am simply pushing the envelope on this overly-simplifed excuse (she cheated) that I have heard too many times.

One day I will respond in a blink and say, "so, have you figured out where is the clitoris since then?"

ScalesHaveFallen · 2021-01-09T23:47:56+00:00

A man with good boundaries won’t lay an abuse story, if true, on a woman until he gets to know her. He will be appropriately circumspect about whom he reveals this information to.

Having zero apprehension about revealing such information is a tell. Another tell is if it is ‘revealed’ when there is conflict in the relationship in order to give him an out for poor behaviour.

yesmme · 2021-01-09T03:20:27+00:00

My best friend’s good friend was like this. My best friend had a crush on him for so many years and he would lead her on and blame it on him being sexually abused. Then he got a girlfriend, would proceed to treat his girlfriend like shit and would cheat on her and blame it all on him being abused as a kid.

pomfrida · 2021-01-09T14:00:54+00:00

Also if he says ‘all my exes are crazy’ chances are he’s the crazy one

SuccessfulAppeal333 · 2021-01-09T02:20:56+00:00

Unless you're explicitly asking what went wrong, or cornering them on something they clearly haven't healed, it's none of your business.

And it's definitely unfair to have it foisted upon you.

If he's fresh out of it, and still trying to date, but can't stop processing it with you, you need to break up with him, and let him heal.

Repulsive-Ad1092 · 2021-01-09T14:16:02+00:00

Oh, I remember that my ex told me that 3-4 women sexually harassed him at work. He also said that those women did the same to other guys, so my old PickMe personality wanted to believe he was not trying to make me emotional.

Then he said that more than 5 women, throughout his life had sexually harassed him, that he had 3 stalkers, that at least 5 hooked up with him while he was drunk and he couldn’t consent, and more than 5 sent him unsolicited nudes.

They just want us to feel pity for them. Trust your gut and stay strong ladies

Imaginary_Bed_2572 · 2021-01-09T15:03:30+00:00

Right. Many men are abused, of course, but you are talking about people telling and sometimes even inventing a sob story in order to gain sympathy. Yes this is not healthy, this man shouldn't date until he sorted his issues with relationship dynamics out. Always do him the favor of not dating him.

veruscka · 2021-01-09T18:57:38+00:00

I’ve dated a few men who led with this in the early stages and they were terrible relationships that left me emotionally depleted and hurt, so I definitely agree it’s a red flag.

QueensJuju · 2021-01-09T21:36:35+00:00

I'll take this a step further, and I'm a victim of abuse (from my family as well as partners, but I'm mainly talking about childhood abuse here).

It's a red flag because most men already don't have emotional intelligence. A man who is a victim of abuse doesn't have the tools to recover, he doesn't have the willingness to seek therapy, or learn how to build an appropriate support system. Even if he WANTS to improve and is willing to do the intense work that requires, he's going to struggle more because he's without that foundation, and everyone around him will carry his burden instead. He's more likely to become violent, destructive to others. Even though he's the victim it's not worth the risk in trying to help or be his friend/lover, because he is likely to become an abuser himself, just by virtue of how men are raised.

Imagine all the usual patriarchal, male toxicity growing up. Then add abuse? Where is this recovery coming from? It's lonely work because it's hard to be a good partner or friend or sometimes even employee while you sort yourself out, so anyone trying to seek romance while their abuse is still a prominent discussion point is NOT prioritizing treatment - end of story.

In this sub we say not to talk about our past traumas with new partners or even new friends - the reasoning behind this is at least in part that we have DONE THE WORK AND WE ARE NO LONGER OUR TRAUMA. There is no beneficial reason I can think of for someone new to your life disclosing that type of history when it no longer plays a pivotal role. Either your ready to move forward and live productively, or your energy is elsewhere. Talking about abuse before true intimacy is reached = instant deal breaker.

EarthKveik · 2021-01-11T14:34:39+00:00

Run for the fucking hills. Trauma is something an HVM might reveal when you're a year or more in to a relationship that's becoming committed, along with how he overcame the trauma.

Revealing it during the get to know you phase is the mark of a manipulator. He's going to make it your job to soothe him and tiptoe round his problems. He'll use your sympathy to get his own way and make sure that whenever you bring something up that's bothering you the conversation can always be turned back to him, his trauma and how he needs treated with kid gloves and pandered to now.

Title	If a man says he was abused
Author	Kellianny
Upvotes	112
Comments	59
Date	January 8, 2021 8:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ksy7zr/if_a_man_says_he_was_abused/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/if-a-man-says-he-was-abused.729678 https://theredarchive.com/post/729678

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