Do most financially successful women still expect that the men be the “providers”? Are men who refuse this role basically screwed?

SmurfESmurferson · 2021-01-22T21:19:34+00:00

As a general rule, yes, provider men are more attractive to women

But if you want to meet a larger pool of women who are ok being the provider themselves, you’ll need to move to a more liberal area

crookedsummer2019 · 2021-01-22T21:59:44+00:00

I know some financially successful women. They tend prefer to date financially successful men not because they want to be provided for, but because they have a lifestyle that they want to keep and want a partner who can also afford that. I’m about talking women who go to expensive restaurants, stay at nice hotels when they travel, go to concerts and sporting events and don’t want to pay for the cheap seats. That kind of thing. They don’t seem to expect the man to pay for them, but they also don’t want to have pay for the man for the things they want to do.

Two of these women are in long term relationships and they take turns paying for plane tickets and events and stuff. Pre pandemic one surprised her boyfriend with almost front row seat Raptors tickets that she bought from one of her exec friends who wasn’t able to use them. This was half way through the season that they won the championship so you can imagine how expensive tickets were. He surprised her with a weekend trip to Las Vegas the year before. That kind of thing requires money from both people in the relationship.

I can totally understand any man or woman with that kind of lifestyle preferring someone who can keep up financially.

thelajestic · 2021-01-22T21:39:02+00:00

No. From your comments you seem to just be looking for a relationship where you're both earning and paying your own way. I think most financially successful women are also looking for that and you've probably just been unlucky in who you've spoken to.

AnarchoNAP · 2021-01-22T21:51:40+00:00

Two issues:

1) Leftist women tend to be complete assholes about this type of thing. They spend all their time trying to overthrow existing societal structures, but THEY want a masculine man, intact family, etc. Its fucking annoying and I don't even want a woman.

2) So you don't want the provider role- cool. You don't want to be a SAHD- cool. You date women who are much more successful than you...- cool. What IS your role then? You don't want the traditional role, you don't want the opposite role, and you don't want an egalitarian relationship because you don't see yourself as equally successful. I'm not sure what other options there are. What is your plan here? Just like I tell women who don't want to be homemakers, but also don't want to have a successful career- what exactly is it that you provide to the relationship?

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-01-22T21:27:01+00:00

My partner and I have always been big on preserving our own financial independence while in a relationship. It may not be a 50/50 split in each expense, but it comes out to that in the end (if I pay for takeout, I can give him less to cover my part of the mortgage).

LittyKitsune · 2021-01-22T21:33:18+00:00

Not sure about "most." I'm kind of terrible with determining that honestly.

Almost all of my female mentors in the field I plan to enter have husbands who make significantly less than them. I believe one's husband is a high school teacher, and he plays a heavier role in the childcare (my male teachers from high school were like this as well). I personally want to marry someone whose job isn't quite so intense as well. The one exception I know (husband makes the same as her) is childfree. My dad stayed home for a time after my mom was promoted, and those were some of the best years of our lives honestly. So I guess that's another part of the reason why I'm okay with that.

Are most women okay with 50/50 or being the provider? No idea. Maybe I'm an exception, my mom is an exception, my mentors, the wives of my male teachers from high school, who knows. All I can confidently say is that women like us exist.

I’ve been told by one partner that me paying for things is how she feels “like a girl”.

Okay what 20+ year old talks like this. Sounds corny but the thought of not having to rely on another person for everything makes me feel like a woman.

midwesternMD · 2021-01-23T00:05:11+00:00

I know some successful women who don’t care what their husbands earn, so the phenomena exists. One couple has a SAHD, the other is, well, getting divorced. But that’s because the husband doesn’t work in or outside of the home. She would’ve stayed with him if he at least pulled his weight at home.

In my general experience, women like it if their man makes more than they do. However, after some threshold, they come to the harsh realization that most men earn less than they do, and that these men don’t have the confidence to maintain a relationship with a female breadwinner, so to speak. After that point, they stop caring about what he earns and they start caring about whether he feels emasculated by her. I see this fairly often in female physicians, but that’s because my professional and social circles revolve around healthcare.

Aramuis · 2021-01-22T21:20:16+00:00

I don’t think women care too much about "provisions" at 20s. Money is often unnecessary for financially successful women, but your looks and status still are. You still have to be at good level compared to her to be seen as worthy.

simeneta · 2021-01-22T22:38:23+00:00

Depends on what you mean by "provide". I make way more than my husband and take care of all our financial matters. I am perfectly fine with it given he picks up more of the domestic slack. But my husband is ambitious and successful in his own right, and he shows his masculinity in other ways that don't involve being the breadwinner. I also don't think I'd be ok with him being househusband.

So I think there are plenty of liberal young women who don't mind making more than their SOs. But I don't think you'll be able to find a woman who fully takes on the traditional "male" gender role.

md8716 · 2021-01-23T03:49:49+00:00

Dude youre 21, what the fuck are you even talking about successful and 50/50 relationships.

Like what you work the night shift flipping burgers at McDonalds and you want an equal partnership with the girl who works the fryer? LOL

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madhunnybee · 2021-01-22T21:31:49+00:00

I guess it depends on the woman.

I personally don't expect my partner to provide for me, but he shouldn't expect me do to the typical wifey stuff. I obviously don't want to be with a deadbeat I'll have to carry on my back either. Which is why I try not to be a deadbeat myself.

My family is pretty well off and so is my boyfriend's. I'm currently at college, studying engineering and I expect to make a decent amount of money in the future.

I don't really care if my boyfriend uses my credit card to buy stuff and I use his from time to time. We both do the chores - I wipe and dust the tight places where he can't fit and he takes care of the nasty food leftovers that I can't stand. We both enjoy cooking and life is good.

As for the "feeling like a girl" thing in this context, I reaaaaally hate that feeling. I'm not poor nor am I incapable of making money so it feels kind of demeaning to me. But to each their own. If you want a partner who will provide for you, find one.

In my personal opinion, you're not screwed but I honestly don't know what the women in question prefer. The successful women I know don't mind sharing the living expenses with their partners, but that's just a bunch of women in a country you've probably never heard of. I guess you're still young and you'll find someone who will want the same financial arrangement.

Gilmoregirlin · 2021-01-23T00:11:48+00:00

First I want to say I think it’s awesome that you are open to a woman that makes more, and a non traditional family, her being the provider. I am 43 and it was really hard for me to find men in my age range that were comfortable with my salary but I did find that younger men were better with this type of thing. Of course all women are different but to answer your question I personally did not want a man to play the provider role, I did not need that. When I was 21 though I probably did. So age is a factor but by my mid 30s I was well into the mid 6 figures so provider was not something I thought. But I did want a partner, and I tried to date men that made a lot less than me and it never really worked out well. It made them very uncomfortable and insecure. So I came to the conclusion that while I did not need a provider I needed someone that could contribute. My husband makes less than me but we could survive on either salary. I offered to pay for myself on ever single date I ever went on, but only one man ever too me up on it. So to answer your question I don’t think most women post college and/or grad school that are high wage earners are looking for providers. I do think they are looking for men that earn a decent living, but it can still be less than them.

relish5k · 2021-01-23T04:22:42+00:00

I always liked it when guys paid on dates. I would always offer to split of course, but when he turns me down and pays it's a "ding ding ding" in my head.

That girl who got upset that you want your partner to work sounds like a psycho. Waaaay jumping the gun there.

But to answer your question, money doesn't really matter until you're 25 because everyone is just starting out in their careers anyway. Afterward if you're still single, women may become more "discerning" and want you to make as much or more than she does.

Soon-to-be-Catlady · 2021-01-23T12:13:26+00:00

I would say every woman likes security and a man who seems to be willing to provide, but from my own experience it's not really a thing to look for a provider or insist on providing. Most female friends of mine make exactly the same or more than their partners and none of them ever said they want their partner to be more in a provider role. I dated a man a couple years back who told me he worries about not being able to provide for a family yet, I told him he doesn't have to do it alone nowadays, that I would put in as much as he does. Honestly surprised me that a man was still thinking that way. When it comes to the males' role in dating, I have to admit that I find it attractive when they invite me, and most friends would agree with me. I don't mind at all to split it, but them paying for me gives me the feeling they are seriously interested in me. I think it also gives me the feeling of them "having my back", being willing to invest in me, again something tied to security I think. But I am inviting them back to show them the same, that I am in it and willing to give for the relationship. So refusing the role in an obvious way (saying "I will never invite you and always go Dutch") seems unattractive. Showing that you are willing to provide while still seeing a partnership as team effort is the most attractive path in my view (sounds confusing I know, sorry).

Willow-girl · 2021-01-23T14:54:13+00:00

Evolution has set up women to seek men who are willing to be providers. Why fight nature?

I out-earn my partner by a factor of 3 but I live in his house and he pays the household bills so I get to feel like a lazy spoiled kept woman even though I am, in reality, working my tail off.

GrandRub · 2021-01-23T15:56:07+00:00

what you want is perfectly normal .. and there are lots of women out there that want that ... but if i were you i would also try to look for a childfree woman and never have kids .. cause kids will destroy an equal relationship.

croatoan34 · 2021-01-23T19:24:27+00:00

Yeah I saw a study recently where it is becoming an issue apparently that woman in high paying jobs can’t find partners that make more than them, and that is apparently wrong or some nonsense.

Unteryn · 2021-01-25T03:36:06+00:00

me paying for things is how she feels “like a girl”.

That is so narcissistic. I want to shove this person's head in the toilet.

Joul3s214 · 2021-02-17T12:26:49+00:00

I wish you guys would realize that women are crushed under the heel of the oppressor just like you are- only we get sexually harassed and underpaid and underpromoted and fired for being fertile at our jobs. Often we are the first to get fired because the assumption is we DO have a man at home paying for us.

The women you like are ambitious because they have to be to get a halfway decent job. You have to put in way less effort to get that same job.

We don't like it, either. But it makes a mate with a stable job a very practical requirement. So maybe the issue is slightly larger than your dick and we should start talking about class consciousness.

You're asking women to pay for half when her money was basically way harder to earn than yours. That's what she means when she says, I'm a girl. As in, a girl living in a patriarchy.

You're still young, retired fuckboy. Glad you mostly fuck girls you want to date now. Maybe next, figure out they are human beings, and educate yourself about what they are up against.

superlurkage · 2021-01-22T21:28:05+00:00

No, but if you suck at dadding and household management there won’t be any takers

LillthOfBabylon · 2021-01-22T21:48:40+00:00

Solely depends on the woman. Whether or not she wants to be a mother also factors into this.

So now for the most part I only ever have sex with girls I can actually see myself dating.

If you're trying to have hookups in order to get a girlfriend, it doesn't work out most of the time.

In the beginning, the women I’ve dated are thrilled to find out I value their individual accomplishments so much. But then they realize that means I don’t want the traditional role of being the provider.

Again, the issue could be that she wants to be a mother or that she's worried that you're trying to be a lazy bum leeching off of her.

In my experience, they don’t seem to happy about this. I’ve been told by one partner that me paying for things is how she feels “like a girl”.

Honestly, I don't understand that belief, because I pay for guys all the time, and I still feel like a female.

In another instance I was on a date and she asked me how I would manage finances with someone I was dating.

But you're DATING, not marrying. lol

Now I’m still pretty young, 21,

Who's asking about joint finances at a 21 year old? lol Unless y'all marrying or have a kid, that should be irrelevant.

Also, I saw that you said you didn't want to be a dad. Did you tell them that too?

punsandprose · 2021-01-23T00:03:13+00:00

Tbh, I think it's about timing. I am the type that likes being paid for and financially spoiled during the dating phase and initial part of a relationship ie year 1 or sooner. It's not that I want you to provide for me your whole life, I want to know that you are financially smart, stable, thoughtful and /generous/. These are the things a lot of women want in a long term partner. Once I can see the relationship into a more serious future long-term partner stage, then I can see things going more 60/40 (so I can still get that tingly "he's my provider" feeling while still being fairly equal), but until then, him paying for things isn't about the money, it's about him being the type of partner I can see myself with in the long term.

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