How can I figure out what I'm truly physically attracted to, since we've all been coerced into having no standards?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-05-26T17:44:07+00:00

I'm posting this to the main sub since we talk so much about society gaslighting women into being with unattractive, unfit men and having no physical standards for our partners. We are even manipulated to the point that we may not even know what we find attractive. So let's talk about how to overcome that and find out what's hot! 🔥🔥🔥

AdmiralRando · 2021-05-26T17:58:28+00:00

That’s a good question... when I see some of the sexy-guy posts here, I don’t really relate. Movie stars, models, and dudes on the red carpet are a little too “made up” for my taste. (But, by all means, go gettem ladies!)

Personally, I like seeing a guy in motion - no matter what he is working on. And I like hands. And that muscle that goes from the back of the neck across the shoulder!

You just gotta ask yourself what you actually notice when you see an attractive man. Is there something you can’t stop staring at? We don’t all find the same parts “dreamy”. Pay attention to what you are looking at when you find a guy you consider hot. :)

Edit: I also wanted to mention that body-building competitions were also created for the male gaze. There are perfectly-ripped, 2% body fat men all oiled up and posing on stage and the audience is mostly men!

So you do you, honey. 😂

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-05-26T17:46:41+00:00

I remember when I was younger I didn't know what I was attracted to. But over the years of being with different men I have found what I like.

Other than dating and sleeping with different men it can be a little hard to figure out what you like since we don't really ever get to see men that are attractive and catered to women.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-05-26T18:14:39+00:00

Hmm. This is tricky because (at least for me) looks and personality are intertwined. Have you ever done a double take at someone you walked by? Did certain features catch your eye? Or was it that he was well-dressed for his body type and confident? Or did you see the posts on Fine AF Friday and think "yeah they're objectively hot but I know nothing about them as a person" and that attraction only gets you so far? And in contrast, I've also found someone less attractive after learning negative things about them.

So I guess it's a matter of your personal experience. Some women love taller guys, others don't like craning their necks. Some women want a softer man, others want 4% body fat. It's unfortunately one of those areas you notice your preferences becoming more defined after dating more people.

West_Zone · 2021-05-26T18:36:32+00:00

Personally, I don't have a check list of features that I'm attracted to. There are features I find unattractive though, like small thighs. So if a man doesn't have X amount of unattractive physical features I probably find him objectively good looking, but I'm not necessarily attracted to him.

Idk how to describe it, it's more like the energy, or the ~vibes~ a man gives off. Combined with physical features I find appealing, that makes me attracted to him. This is why I've never tried, and never will try, online dating. Idk if I'm attracted to a man unless I see him irl! If I'm attracted to a man it's just something I feel when I'm in his vicinity, almost like a pull? That feeling/attraction stays with me even when I'm away from him. It's hard to describe, but if I'm attracted to a man and in his vicinity I'll get some kind of physical reaction.

There doesn't even need to be an emotional connection, it's just his vibes™. This is why I'm like "wtf?" @ people who are like "if you are emotionally attached to someone you will find them attractive eventually :-)" umm no you won't? If there's a baseline attraction to begin with, it'll most likely grow stronger. But you won't suddenly wake up one day and be like "WAOOWW!! I find short balding men super sexy!!" after being emotionally close to a guy who's like 164 cm and prematurely balding. Genuine attraction doesn't work like that.

If I'm attracted to a man, I'll find his features attractive even if they, objectively, aren't anything special. I'll be like "omg his forearms are so hot...." even tho his forearms are completely average. I find them attractive because they are attached to a man I'm attracted to, if that makes sense. I've also been attracted to men based on their smell, this is kinda embarrassing actually but one time an attractive guy jogged past me and he smelled so good I was about to pass out. Am I normally attracted to sweaty men? No. Do I normally think that they genuinely smell good? No. But there was something about his smell and ~vibe~ that made me really attracted to him.

I truly don't understand how women are able to give men they aren't sexually attracted to a chance. I find that so disturbing, the thought alone makes me extremely uncomfortable. How is this normalised in society? I'm so heartbroken for women who give men they don't find attractive a chance.

h4llucigenia · 2021-05-26T18:48:14+00:00

I'd say just take some time to chill and (non creepily) stare at random men. Objectify them a little. If you see a group of guys, who catches your eye first? Are there some particular guys that have a weird or magnetic effect on you that makes you act different around them? Do you ever catch yourself looking at some guy's random feature, like eyes, hands, legs, jawline...? If you're actually attracted to men (it's also possible you're not) there should be something that you consistently notice and like in some of them. It's weird but I also tend to notice men and men's features a lot more at certain times of the month, so that's another way I know it's just the hormones doing their thing. I've always been very comfortable in my sexuality tho, I never dated in my teens, spent a way too much time ogling and fantasizing about men and never hesitated to reject those that didn't physically do it for me. So I might be the exception here.

Mcccy · 2021-05-26T17:57:36+00:00

Well do you have any actors or models you like? Or maybe a singer you always found attractive?

If not, do you have any favourite fictional guy characters? Do they have something in common? Maybe you subconsciously like a certain body type or hair-eye colour combination :)

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-05-26T19:11:27+00:00

As someone who feels pretty omnisexual, I truly love a spectrum of bodies, styles, faces, weights, hair, etc. I notice smiles, I notice the way someone carries themselves, I notice their personality and optimism.

I find beauty in probably less attractive folks through their expressions of their personality, and find ugliness in the gorgeous people with awful personalities.

So really, only you will know what standards you have and taking time to diversify your media consumption can help you figure that out. Follow people who have a diverse range of looks, what are you drawn to? What excites you or intimidates you? What are you ‘meh’ about? It’s fun to think objectively about it.

haunted_vcr · 2021-05-26T20:28:02+00:00

One way to see what your physical standards are is to remember times when you've been attracted to someone at first sight or just one conversation. Also people you've aesthetically admired, like couldn't stop thinking about how elegant their posture is and the like.

For me it's guys who are tall, slim and toned, with dark hair and light eyes. They also have a sense of kindness, attention to detail, and an air of quiet confidence.

secularwitch · 2021-05-26T20:34:11+00:00

What movie stars are you attracted to? Which musical/artist icons do you find attractive? Do you prefer, I don't know, brad pitt or pitbull? From my experience, there was a huge gap between the type of guys I date in real life and the type of guys I find attractive on the media (who has bisexual vibes, has an alternative look, long hair, earrings etc.). No wonder why I never orgasm with them! Then I dated a guy (pre fds) with long hair and a style remotely similar to what I like from the media and BAM I had my orgasm. he had a shitty personality though. However, before him I wouldnt even imagine to have such a strong desire for someone from real life. This experience gave me confidence in sticking to my physical standards.

I no longer desire to date with anyone without the certain look I like. I deserve to have physical attraction more than 'that's ok'!

Women are often told (even in fds approved books) that if he checks most of your requirements in personality wise, then you shouldn't be worried too much about the appearance, at least don't cross over a guy just because he doesn't have the height you want him to have. In my experience, this is bullshit. I always had a specific type that makes me go crazy in hormones, but I suppressed it so much so that I even forgot what orgasm is. This is probably what's happening to you too. I dated from obese to extra thin, from very pale to very tan, and the ones that make me click are obvious.

This comment has been a bit irrelevant but my point is, stop suppressing your sexual desire with modern day concerns like fat shaming or racism. You may be crazily attracted to people of color or white guys, you may like long ones or short ones. Just release your inner conditioning that says it's wrong to be attracted to only x type of people. You'll soon realise what you like one by one.

pikkpie · 2021-05-26T18:26:39+00:00

We have fine asf Friday every week here. Maybe you can scroll through some tags and can find out which man you find hot. Your mind will automatically tell you which man you are attracted to :)

fallen-summer · 2021-05-26T19:06:13+00:00

I dont have a type either ive been with lots of men and they've all looked and acted differently i don't know what causes me to like some but not others so for a long time I really didn't have a type so I made a loose guideline for a few different features that I prefer its not set in stone but I suggest doing that it doesn't have to be a lot but just a few physical preferences for example I prefer heavier guys over muscular or skinny I prefer dark or ginger hair over blonde I prefer my height or taller and I find blue eyes more attractive then brown just figure it out from a few loose rules and go from there

lifeinverde · 2021-05-27T00:37:24+00:00

I’m not straight, but I think I can maybe be of all the more use for it. Realizing I was into women was a slow process, and I was so blind to it (thanks rural, religious upbringing), that I was actually deeply attracted to a specific woman before I realized I was attracted only to women. For me, identifying what are attractive features to me based on photos and separate from reality alone was never going to happen. I totally get the “I don’t know what’s attractive to me” feelings. I lived it for so long.

Like many users here are saying, I think it’s going to be very difficult to tell without experience, but I will say that the experience didn’t actually need to be sexual or even dating. Attraction to me originally registered solely as a very strong desire to know someone, be close with them, and just having that feeling of “I want this person in my life”. Those feelings have always translated to sexual attraction as well for me. Over time I’ve identified patterns, and I can tell you specific kinds of features that are typically attractive to me, but they’re not always the rule.

And like another user said: vibe is critical. I was scrolling through Tiktok mindlessly the other day and saw a random video of a woman dancing and immediately my brain hiccuped and I could register “that’s an attractive woman”. Still photos of the same person do nothing. So if you do notice specific characters or actors or book characters (whatever it may be) who elicit feelings of attraction, you may be able to identify some of what kind of “vibe” you’re into. And you might notice patterns of features that you like.

Instead of focusing on “what do I like?”, I would try to focus on “do I have a burning desire to be close to this guy and get to know him?” I typically like brunettes with dark eyes who are TALL, but I’m currently seeing a lovely green eyed blonde who is my height and I can’t wait to see her again, I love touching her (we’re not past hugs/kisses/hand holding right now), etc. If I ignored my gut for some arbitrary rule of what I think I find as attractive, then I would’ve missed out on this one.

The more FDS and feminist thing to focus on (I think) is that if a guy doesn’t make you feel that desire, you don’t owe him a chance. You shouldn’t need to force it. More focus on “fuck it, I’m rad and there will be dozens more chances, I’m not feeling this guy,” vs formulating the perfect man (physically) that you’re looking for. Loneliness can be really sucky, what I’ve started focusing on when I have those feelings is “wouldn’t it be really shitty if I crossed paths with someone who made me feel everything tomorrow, but I was locked down with a Right Now when we met? I wouldn’t ever date someone who left a relationship for me, I wouldn’t want to date someone who would tolerate the reverse.”

ladylabrys · 2021-05-27T01:09:06+00:00

This was me in high school. I really struggled to find men attractive, and I felt like I could identify men/boys who were objectively handsome, but I still didn't think they were attractive.

Turns out I was a very closeted lesbian. 😆

I wish you the best of luck though! You're already on a great track by keeping those standards high! You're still young and you'll figure it out!

tomatfrogbubbles · 2021-05-26T20:35:58+00:00

I like very different things than most women on here in men and sexually. Just try to find what you like without others opinions and influence getting to you. I chose not to date in middle and most of highschool so I spent a lot of time fantasizing and I figured out what I liked without outside influences that way.

nom-de-plume_12 · 2021-05-26T23:18:23+00:00

For me, he could be chiseled greek god and I would appreciate his beauty, but if he comes across thick as two planks,generally a bore with no interesting or redeeming qualities and little to no respect for people issa hard pass for me. I think with me the character is intwined with how I find myself attracted to a guy. My vagina shrivels up if he’s insanely good looking but spews some bs from his mouth. Like umm excuse me sir I wanted to kiss those lips but nvm they look like arsehole to me now.

CorruptSoulGem · 2021-05-26T18:08:56+00:00

The honest truth is that women need an emotional attraction to a man to be attracted to him.

Most men sharply undervalue personality, because they think that looks are everything. For a lot of men that’s all they look for in a woman, so they go around thinking women are the same way they are.

Women are also very intuitive and can also sense this disingenuous interest that these men have towards them, Instantly making them repulsive to them, even on an subconscious level.

So when you wonder why you don’t like a certain men there’s a alway reason for it, it’s your intuition and it’s in your subconscious.

FrenchHeel · 2021-05-26T21:47:48+00:00

Don’t worry so much about setting physical standards right now. You are doing great with what you have and there are so many different people out there.

Better to live and experience attraction (or disgust) than to try to make a list beforehand.

cloudless-blanket · 2021-05-26T18:34:58+00:00

This is a great question, and I think like others have said, it takes time to kind of figure it out. I remember when I was a teenager, through my early-20s, I had similar feelings of "how do I figure out what physical traits I'm attracted to?" I was asked once at 19 what I like physically in a guy I was like "uh....legs? Maybe?" even though I definitely wasn't but I was trying to think of something to say.

I have definitely fallen for men who are very (sometimes very) unattractive, because their personalities really make up for it. Like really make up for it. Educated, empathetic, and competent, OH my GOD, the competence, uggh take me. I'm thinking of one guy in particular who I thought was very unfortunate looking--he was a friend's boyfriend's friend, so we would wind up in group hangouts quite a bit--and after a few months I started to think, huh...when the hell did he get so cute? But it was the unquestionable competence and emotional intelligence that started to change my perception of his physicality.

With that said, with time and experience, your physical preferences will unfold for you. I never really cared about height or muscles that much in my early 20s. Sure, taller than me was cool, muscular was cool, but these weren't proper standards for me. I was always pretty skinny, but when I started working out more, I got more toned, and I got stronger. I dated a guy who was about my height, maybe an inch shorter, and he was "average" body size--slim, but not "skinny", and definitely not "muscular". But he had a cool personality (at first), we got along well.

When we hooked up, and he was on top, I just...there was a point where he was literally putting all of his body weight on me, and I could have effortlessly pushed him off. Effortlessly. I was not aroused by this at all. I realized I need a man who is stronger and heavier than me; call it instinctual but that's what helps me relax and feel "safe" enough to really let go during sex. Now, I vet for big, muscular arms and a strong chest, because when he's on top, that is my line of sight, and I know if a bear comes around the corner, he will punch that bear in the throat, come back to me, and say "Don't worry--I've handled it." And then we will have wild, passionate sex, where he throws me around the bedroom like a ragdoll.

Your physical standards can change over time. And if they're not important to you now, then great! That's not a problem. If a guy meets your physical standards but his personality is shit, he's not it anyway. Having standards isn't about having them for the sake of having them. It's about finding someone compatible with you, who you're excited to see, and who turns you on.

Take it a step at a time; you'll inevitably have some shitty experiences, and sometimes that's the only way to know what to add to your list.

Hope you enjoy the journey :)

dahliaukifune · 2021-05-27T05:48:27+00:00

After using OLD, I’ve noticed that for me a man’s voice is really important. The voice, the way he carries himself, the gesticulation, whether they maintain eye contact or not... There is also a certain something in their eyes, a certain light, that attracts me. Then, an energy that matches mine. Does the way he dresses please you? (Because you’re not here to teach him how to dress, or keep basic hygiene. They should know how already). That’s the physical stuff. And it’s perfectly normal if your taste (not your standards!!!) changes as you age. Mine has, especially as I freed myself from external influence and followed my gut.

Now—are they kind? Watch them in public. Are they kind to others or only you? Are they kind even if they think you’re not watching? Are they funny in the way you need them to be funny? Do they enjoy your jokes? Do you genuinely enjoy his laughter? Does he have any “flaw” that you know you don’t like but you tell yourself it’s charming because you want to convince yourself that he fulfills all your expectations even though he doesn’t? (Don’t manipulate yourself). Is he the type of conversationalist that you need? (i need someone who is highly emotionally intelligent and an intellectual due to my job and personal activities, and i don’t discuss sports).

Those are some basic ideas to check whether there is actual chemistry or if you’re trying to fit him into a narrative. There is way more to keep vetting him, of course.

Altruistic-Truth-216 · 2021-05-27T03:32:44+00:00

We're both teens,and I would like to think we're a little in the same boat. Just go for what you naturally gravitate towards.I've had guys attracted to me that I thought were kind of cute,but had traits that I thought were repulsive. For reference,I live in a very diverse city, and there is such a variety of features. Go with what feels right,and if you're not vibing,cut it off. If you're really attracted to a guy,you will know it. If you're not, your mind will let you know, eventually.

imtryingtotryhere · 2021-05-27T08:47:25+00:00

Think about whether you want his breath anywhere near where you can smell it or feel it. Sounds gross when I put it like that lol. But basically, even if a guy is 'good looking' by conventional standards and you don't find him unpleasant to look at, AND YET your body doesn't want to close the distance between you and him, it means your body doesn't want him. Your mind and heart might trick you but in my experience, our bodies don't lie.

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Delilahh12345 · 2021-05-27T16:04:04+00:00

The first time I was ever attracted to a man I was 19. I thought attraction was "oh, look that guy look's good". But it's actually more than that. I think it's one of those things where you'll just know it when you are attracted to someone. That first time I experienced real sexual attraction, it was a bit overwhelming, I couldn't think of anything else when he was in the room, I was constantly aware of where he was in the room even if I wasn't looking at him, I had sexual dreams about him almost every night. It honestly made me a bit miserable because I just wanted my old self who thought about things other than men back. After a few months, I started getting over it. You might be a late bloomer like me, you might be asexual, you might be gay, who knows. But one things for sure you will know it when it happens to you.

Pasdepromesses · 2021-05-27T16:13:33+00:00

I’m a heavy romance reader (historical, contemporary, fantasy, sweet omegaverse, reverse harems, etc) but all of these books have one thing in common:

All the heroes are tall, muscular and fit, handsome and hung.

There’s literally no smutty scene that said ‘she trembled when she looked at his luscious dad bod. He leaned over her, and out of passion, she grabbed her hands in his thinning hair. He opened his pants and showed her his half flaccid 5 inch penis, asking her for a bj so he could get hard for sex’

It’s always humongous and girthy and the heroine is always panting after his 6 pack rubbed her clit to orgasm for the 5th time after some amazing head, while worrying if his monstrous cock will fit.

I think we all do know what we like, and men know too. That’s why they hate it if we’re fangirling over other men.

The only problem is that there’s no motivation for men to look attractive at all, after they gaslighted us on a societal level. Because of this there are not a lot of hot HVM left, making us content with mediocre men with MV behaviour to such an extent that we think we don’t even mind looks.

AdmiralRando · 2021-05-26T20:25:04+00:00

[removed because I replied in the wrong place]

the-lonely-spirit · 2021-05-27T13:00:10+00:00

Oof. You’re a teen and you think you won’t have another chance? I’m in my late twenties...I can tell you right now the longer you spend single the better it gets. And HS is a breeding ground for Lvb (low value boys) my suggestion is focus on school. With the guys you dated, did they have any spark at all? It’s going to take some time to figure out unfortunately.

DifferentBar6 · 2021-05-27T23:51:57+00:00

I realised guys are just not very attractive after all

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