Is the current state of dating incentivizing women to stay in mediocre/bad relationships?

Orange_Paisley · 2021-06-18T01:11:33+00:00

I’ve watched 2 marriages fall apart during Covid. I think both divorces were inevitable, and at least one would have occurred sooner if not for other factors - aka, kids.

rosephase · 2021-06-18T01:52:09+00:00

Not really.

It’s mostly Inertia. That’s why I think most people stay in shit relationships. Because staying the same is easier and change is intimidating. That and money, housing and kids.

I don’t think it’s particularly gendered.

peppapigoink95 · 2021-06-18T03:40:29+00:00

Being in love will keep you rooted. Most of my friends stay when they're unhappy because they're still in love. Not fear of being alone, no sunk fallacy cost, fear of losing the person they love. They leave when they fall out of love.

chubbybutt22 · 2021-06-18T01:03:25+00:00

It’s definitely a thing. I stayed in a marriage that I was unhappy in for too long because I was afraid of being alone. I learned from that and I won’t stay out of fear again. But for me, I don’t think it had anything to do with the state of dating.

looozooop · 2021-06-18T12:51:51+00:00

I know a few women who stay in bad relationships for the reasons you mentioned, it definitely happens and i personally know a few women in that situation.

However, i also i’ve found that there are more and more girls who just prefer to be single & value that over shitty, unfulfilling relationships. I think that mindset is slowly changing.

Sage_Planter · 2021-06-18T01:09:03+00:00

Yes, some women are incentivized to stay in mediocre/bad relationships because the process of finding someone new is daunting or they've fallen victim to the sunk fallacy cost. There are women who would rather be in a bad relationship than single at all costs.

In general, I think most women (and men) stay in unfulfilling or toxic relationships because women (and men) aren't all taught what healthy relationships look like, have misguided hope that things will change, and then don't know how to recognize when it's time to throw in the towel. There's also significant pressure to try to "make it work" whether it's for the kids or out of fear of personal failure.

My last relationship was bad, and my ex starting treating me with less and less respect as time went on. For me, I was caught up in the "but he treated me so well at the start" or "when things are good, they're really good," and then I had endless excuses for why he couldn't be a good partner in that moment. I clung to the hope that he'd wake up and once again be the man who once acted like I hung the moon. "Oh, well, he's just so busy at work. Once work calms down in June, everything will change." Except it never did. Things just got worse. It took a lot of straw to break that camels back, but when I was done with that relationship, I never looked back.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-06-18T01:13:13+00:00

I'm not sure this is a new thing or particular to the current state of dating. I think a lot of people, perhaps especially women, just have a tendency to grow complacent and figure the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

NarniaFox · 2021-06-18T02:22:22+00:00

I'm from Russia, comparing things to how our mothers or grandmothers used to have, we have it much much better in dating, although a lot of women still stay in outright shitty and/or abusive relationships.

But now we have more chances not to be judged and blamed for breaking up or getting divorced! We also can cohabitate...and don't get married! In big cities there are even shelters for domestic victims, what a miracle!

But overall, yes, there are a lot of women who don't leave even when they should have done it a long time ago. I don't think it's tied to the "current state" of dating, it's always been like this at least here. You're a woman, you're responsible for your relationship with your boyfriend/husband, if he treats you badly, that's your fault, if he's an alcoholic, it's still your fault and you also can't leave him because "he'll die without you", children need a father (even if he does nothing or even beats them) etc.

tiposk · 2021-06-18T01:48:38+00:00

If anything, the state of affairs makes it easier for any gender to be single. In the good ol' times when relationships seemed more stable there was a huge social pressure for men and women to tie the knot. Waiting for someone compatible to marry was a luxury to most people. If anything,today someone who can't find what they're looking for has less incentive to stay with a bad partner.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-06-18T06:19:56+00:00

More like the belief that there isn’t anything better out there.

cloudnymphe · 2021-06-18T09:40:23+00:00

I don’t think the current state of dating is worse than it was in the past for incentivizing women to stay in bad relationships. Things are objectively better than they have been as far as women having more freedom to not stay in bad relationships.

The main reason I see women being in mediocre relationships (which I would define here as being with a guy who takes more than he gives and doesn’t treat his partner equally in certain areas but no outright abuse) is that those women tend to be younger and genuinely think that’s how all men treat their partners and that’s being treated like that is inevitable. They might want better but overall they’ve given up and accepted that this is how they can expect to be treated by men because they don’t even realize there are men out there who won’t treat them like that.

Sometimes I browse the sex and relationship subreddits and I see posts fairly often from women talking about a major issue in her relationship, and saying she doesn’t even believe there are any guys out there who won’t treat her like shit. It’s pretty depressing.

I don’t think society encourages women to stay with partners who treat them badly but society likely plays a part in the fact that a lot of women seem to have very low expectations in how they expect to be treated in certain ways in relationships. Not to say men can’t have low expectations in how they’re treated by women, that can certainly be true as well but the expectations tend to be different. I think men tend to be more likely to feel “entitled” (not using that in a negative way) to being treated as equal or catered to in certain areas in a relationship and wouldn’t put up with a women treating them unfairly in that way the way many woman would put up with.

For example I think very few men would stay in a sexual relationship where the woman demands sex always be for her pleasure and satisfaction and she rarely or never reciprocates so they’re having a ton of sex where she’s the only one getting off. A lot of men would likely view that as dystopian and never be ok with it if they were the ones being treated like that. However If society taught that sex was mainly something men were supposed to do for your girlfriend and her sexual satisfaction was the requirement while yours was optional then this may not be the case and they’d put up with that mediocre relationship because they were never raised to expect or feel entitled to better treatment. In reverse but similarly related norms, I’ve seen threads on askmen from men saying they were shocked when a woman gave them flowers, payed for the date or listened to and held them when they were upset because they never expected to be treated like that from a partner whereas there’s probably more women comparatively who feel entitled to those things from men. Man, our society is a shit show when it come to gender expectations and people’s shitty behavior. So many people are unhappy. We really need to do better ya’ll.

I think the reason women tend to stay in bad (as in abusive) relationships has a few similarities to the mediocre relationship, such as being treated badly becoming normalized to the victim but abuse also comes with the abuser manipulating them and killing off their self esteem to the point where they genuinely believe they have no other options because no one else will ever want them even if that’s not true.

In both the cases of bad and mediocre relationships, having low self worth and not thinking you deserve better for yourself, attachment to the other person, sunk cost fallacy play a part...etc

superlurkage · 2021-06-18T15:20:50+00:00

It’s one of the things that incentivizes everyone to stay in mediocre/bad relationships; the others being fear of loneliness, sunk cost fallacy, lovebombing, and low self esteem/can’t do better

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cowfishAreReal · 2021-06-18T01:26:28+00:00

I don't think so, if you're staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone thats you, not the dating state. If you can't accept the idea of being single and happy with yourself that's your fault. A really good dating scene where you won't never be single wouldn't be a solution, just a band aid.

SaBahRub · 2021-06-18T02:23:19+00:00

I have no sympathy. If you choose shit over singledom, that’s on you. And if you have kids, shame on you

Having said that, if you look at the women in actual abusive relationships, it’s pretty clear that previous abuse or desperation due to mental or physical disability is the driving factor

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-06-18T03:34:55+00:00

Nope.

If you stay in a shit relationship, unless it's abusive, that's your own doing.

If you'd rather be miserable with a partner you hate than be single that's your own doing.

I have told this to many female friends. And if they stay then I have no sympathy. Doesn't happen often though

Mostly we've got a split of half single and half in long term relationships. Of Those who are single about 30% are actively looking (eg, bumble.)but the the rest are just living life.

Gilmoregirlin · 2021-06-18T10:31:55+00:00

It depends on your circle of women. My circle involves women that are all educated at minimum college (but most higher), financially independent 35 or older. Most either have kids or don’t want kids and many have already been divorced, so to answer your question no it’s not. For us we are fine being alone and don’t want to put up with BS so if BS comes along we move on, and that includes mediocrity. But in our younger days I suspect we stayed in relationships that sucked with jerks. That was mostly due to low self esteem, that’s just speaking for myself. As women age our confidence grows substantially in my opinion. So while we may have certainly looked our best in our 20s and even early 30s, we cared a ton more about what people thought and we gained self esteem from others, particularly men. The older we get the less we care about that. We are fine spending our own money and may of my female friends find themselves happier alone.

third_fig · 2021-06-18T19:28:49+00:00

Based on divorce statistics and the independence effect hypothesis— it seems like the opposite.

pubgmisc · 2021-06-19T06:19:16+00:00

It's not that. With younger women they think they only need to bring sex to the table. Women conflate men hitting on them attention, with real commitment. The first one being high, doesn't mean the second one is. In terms of relationships, in the U.S. , people aren't aware how different men and women think

octocombo · 2021-06-19T11:46:14+00:00

I don't think fear of being alone or having to restart the dating process are the main reasons women stay in bad relationships. I think the biggest reasons are kids, financial instability, and not realizing it's a bad relationship (or believing she's not worth anything better).

Around half or a bit more than half of my lady friends are currently in LTRs, though at least from my perspective most of these are good relationships.

IcarusKiki · 2021-06-18T20:58:44+00:00

I’m in college but most of my friends are single. I just broke up with my bf bc long distance wasn’t working. I think maybe women get desperate when their biological clock starts ticking and it’s just easier to stay with someone than go looking for someone new.

fdslied2U · 2021-06-19T03:52:51+00:00

It's more like women are always convinced they can do better until they find out the hard way that they no longer can level up. And not being able to level up for most women is mediocre.

Title	Is the current state of dating incentivizing women to stay in mediocre/bad relationships?
Author	AdmiralDickover
Upvotes	7
Comments	68
Date	June 17, 2021 8:17 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/o26pzp/is_the_current_state_of_dating_incentivizing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-the-current-state-of-dating-incentivizing-women.784592 https://theredarchive.com/post/784592

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