How do you deal with the feeling of " but I deserve better" when it comes to settling down with a man?

hahastopjk · 2021-07-20T12:23:53+00:00

I think it depends on what is making you say that. I could be wrong, but I feel like sometimes people will say that once they hit the boredom stage of the relationship.

blushingoleander · 2021-07-20T13:40:45+00:00

My husband was the guy who made me stop looking at other guys. When I found that I held on tight.

If you feel like you can do better from the beginning, it's probably not a good start to a relationship.

If you always think you can do better then it's your own issues and that is another problem to deal with.

abacabbmk · 2021-07-20T12:55:11+00:00

dont chase a fairy tale

BePrivateGirl · 2021-07-20T12:58:23+00:00

Ask yourself what YOU can control about what could be better.

Practice gratitude, what are the things you appreciate and admire.

Don’t romanticize dating, being single, and finding a better guy, it’s actually really crappy.

Have hope for the future. NOT hope that he will change, but HOPE that you will both grow together and be awesome.

Mindfulness and meditation.

The book (I haven’t read it) Marry Him: The Case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

TheBunk_TB · 2021-07-20T12:26:05+00:00

You need to look at your own sense of either inadequacy or your propensity to adopt "hive mind" cultural viral thoughts, among other things.

Seek counseling, coaching, and other avenues for help.

Whisper · 2021-07-20T15:43:13+00:00

If you are not satisfied with the best man you can attract, then improve your appearance and behaviour until you are.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2021-07-20T12:47:05+00:00

This is not enough information to go on

SereneDesiree · 2021-07-20T13:23:13+00:00

Invite the thoughts to come and have a seat. Greet them with curiosity and compassion. They're trying to help you, even if they're a little misguided.

Where are they coming from? Are they from a place of trauma? The thoughts could be due to any number of things in this case: they could be making you distance yourself so you don't get hurt. Maybe you have a habit of criticizing everything because of a perfectionist mindset.

These are just examples, there's lots of other reasons they could be happening. Self reflection, meditation and therapy could help.

On the other hand, maybe they're right. Is he addicted to a substance in a way that's affecting your life? Is he cheating on you, physically assaulting you (or threatening to)? Threatening suicide? If this is the case, listen to the voice!

Even if you don't feel like you love him now, did you ever love him?

Be kind to yourself :-)

Solarsystemm · 2021-07-22T09:53:39+00:00

Women can “always do better”, but you should be careful with that.

I saw some of your responses, and let me tell you something, imho you should stay with him at least until he finishes college, then you must observe if he is ambitious or not, if yes, then he will become a HVM in the future.

If you are to leave him for a better M, be mindful of your choices, what are you bringing to the table to a handsome rich guy? He has options, and he won’t settle down for some random woman. Most of the time, he ll just want some bedroom fun, and then he bolts, and before you can see, you will hit the wall.

ManguZa · 2021-07-20T13:31:26+00:00

Is it that you deserve better, or you would like better?

It's very different. What are the amazing things you bring to the plate that make you so deserving?

Humility is usually a good start.

Magneeto86 · 2021-07-20T16:04:12+00:00

If you feel that way, let him go so he can find someone that will love him for him.

Nevermindever · 2021-07-20T12:43:57+00:00

There is no relationship where one partner doesn't think "i deserve better", and roles usually change throughout the relationship. But the truth is - you mostly don't deserve it.

bobtheseal · 2021-07-20T15:46:01+00:00

Wow, I feel sorry for this man.. You should just tell him the truth. Then you can go and find your unicorn.

Luscious-Grass · 2021-07-20T17:46:46+00:00

One word. Humility. What makes you so great? Probably not much. You are most likely not anyone’s ideal woman. You most likely have countless flaws and baggage. Be honest with yourself about the things about you that any man would have to “compromise” on. This will cultivate gratitude and humility and can make you appreciate and truly love a good man who maybe isn’t everything you ever dreamed of.

HOWEVER, you still need to feel true baseline attraction to anyone you settle down with. If you struggle to muster simple attraction then he just isn’t the right person. You can accept things like “well he isn’t quite as tall as I’d hoped” or “he doesn’t make quite as much money as I’d hoped” but you can’t force yourself to be with someone you feel zero attraction to.

ladida1321 · 2021-07-20T15:09:13+00:00

I felt this way when I was with my first boyfriend then ex husband.

Something was always… a tiny bit off. He was a nice guy, funny, smart, kind and sweet but he wasn’t a protector. He wasn’t a provider and he didn’t seem so interested in family (his own or starting one himself). He was very vain. Loved shopping and going to the gym all the time. We didn’t work out.

I began dating my now boyfriend and holy craaaaaaap I cannot even believe I was ever with my first boyfriend for so long.

I think what helps this “grass is greener” is just dating around a little in your 20s. Don’t get obsessed with this “I need to get married ASAP” idea. This is the time to “try out” different guys to see what things are truly important to you and non-negotiable.

I also know if I had started dating my boyfriend when we were in our early 20s it would never had worked out. We both had plenty of growing up to do. Which is another way to avoid the “grass is greener” issue.

If you just settle for the first guy - This is where mistakes get made because you feel rushed and then you decide you can just fix the guy once you’re all settled down. Or you take the important things for granted and get caught up on silly issues.

men don’t change. They are who they are- the goal should never ever be find a fixer upper and force it to work. It’s find a man who is compatible- and no one is perfect but I think the greatest traits are strength, empathy and patience. (At least for me)

The other thing is trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right- it very well may not be. Relationship should bring out the best in the people in them. Like Charlotte says in Sex and The City when she talks about her marriage to Harry- I’m not happy all the time every day but every day I do feel happy even if it’s for just a moment. (Probably misquoted but you get the idea!)

Dr_Hesp · 2021-07-20T15:52:32+00:00

I've seen a lot of women struggle with this topic. Unlike men, women want the perfect man (<6', <100k, great shape, handsome, young, kind, sociable, etc.). A lot of women want to have independence and be able to pursue a career as well. You can't have it all. It's gotten to the point where average women think they're better than average men and deserve better.

Start by asking yourself, what do you deserve? In the sexual market place, what is your value? Meaning how would a man rate you overall. Ask yourself, what do you bring to the table in a relationship that a man values?

Ladies have been fed a fantasy since childhood that they can do no wrong. Disney princesses. So now comes the process where you have to de-program yourself. Unlearn all the falsehoods you were taught. I think a good place to start is learning accountability.

heyyanowwa · 2021-07-20T13:49:32+00:00

It's not about a "better" man- it's about the relationship partner that challenges you to grow beyond your own stuntedness (we are all stunted in some ways) and help you heal your wounds (we all have those too).

meerita · 2021-07-24T11:00:09+00:00

Quoting Milton Friedman: "Nobody deserves nothing. ¡Thank God we don't get what we deserve! 🤣"

Chase a life plan project, not a man who will have options.

JulesB954 · 2021-07-20T13:52:13+00:00

In order to give an informed answer, you should provide some details about your relationship and why you feel you are settling for less. For example, are the following present in your relationship: abuse, cheating, emotional unavailability, incapatibility, mismatch in long term goals? If so, anyone here would agree that you need to leave immediately! Or is this more of a situation where you see a couple friends post their multiple romantic dinners/ vacations on social media and you feel your boyfriend doesn't measure up?

withwhimsyandgrace · 2021-07-20T13:55:53+00:00

I really like what ManguZa had to say about evaluating what makes you so deserving and what you bring to the table. There are always ways we can improve ourselves. Secondly, a man doesn’t necessarily NEED you, and I think keeping that in mind can help you be humble in the areas you yourself fall short. My husband is extremely educated and was successful (two masters degrees and works for the Department of Defense) well before we met. He’s established with good moral values and is the type of man that commands respect (without saying it of course) when he walks into a room. He did not need to marry me at all, and he absolutely had his pick of women. Remembering this isn’t bad at all, and it keeps me motivated to be the best wife I can be.

The point I’m trying to make is that most (not always) of the time when we have this attitude as women, it stems from entitlement and thinking we are better. I also agree with another comment that if you have felt like this since the beginning of your relationship, it’s probably not the right relationship.

alien_eater289 · 2021-07-20T15:23:41+00:00

I’m not sure how old you and your boyfriend are, but you don’t need to settle for someone while you’re in college. So much growth and change takes place after college when you enter the workforce - for a lot of people it officially pushes you out of that young person mindset and finally makes you grow up. If he seems unambitious now, it’ll only get worse when he’s working a 9-5. Just because he’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he has to be the one.

But also it is important to not let people get in your head. I struggle with this a lot too, sometimes I feel like I can’t figure out what my wants are because I can’t get everyone else’s opinion out of my head. I’m still working on that so don’t really have any advice there, but just sit with your feelings and really try to ask yourself how you feel about him.

Tanman55555 · 2021-07-20T16:13:16+00:00

“I deserve better” Can i say the honest thing by saying nobody deserves love? Marriage used to be a survival strategy. It became romanticized.

Hopefully “deserve” is not the nost accurate word

Annekke · 2021-07-20T12:18:42+00:00

If you think you can do better, you can probably go ahead and do better

TheChocolateBarsGuy · 2021-07-20T13:03:07+00:00

Then don't marry him.

One less divorce rape ! In life you don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate! So if the type of men you want don't want you is a problem there are two options :

Become the woman they want or move the fuck on !

the_spiraline · 2021-07-20T15:35:09+00:00

Ask yourself what you feel you “deserve”, why you assume it’s better than what you have now, and whether it’s realistic to achieve it. The answer lies in self-study.

Curtail_ · 2021-07-20T21:13:36+00:00

I don’t feel that way with my current partner. I just feel grateful for him. If you feel that you deserve better, it might be because you do.

whatstheplanpakistan · 2021-07-21T05:35:34+00:00

You don't want to be with him clearly. Don't waste your time and don't waste his.

dbreezeyyo · 2021-07-21T06:00:32+00:00

… fuck what other people think. If he’s your person then he’s your person. If not, then move on. AND, last time I checked being skinny was a whole lot healthier than weighing 600 lbs and not being able to move freely… or see your dick. Everyone, both men and women, need to quit worrying about what the fuck other people think… do what makes you happy! Period. Ladies, quit listening to your “once cool”, 7-times divorced, overweight, alcoholic cousin with 11 kids and a canned cheese addiction when it comes to their opinion on men… misery loves company… shew, g’damn mic drop.

purple_pansy88 · 2021-07-31T01:37:06+00:00

Think about whether your concerns are valid or not. No woman should have to date a violent drug addict who won't hold down any type of job for example. No woman should have to date a man who won't wash his butt crack or is addicted to video games. You also have to have some romantic attraction for the person for anything to work.

However a man without faults doesn't exist, just like a woman without faults doesn't exist. You will have to accept some faults in a person.

JadedByEntropy · 2021-07-20T15:55:39+00:00

If literally everyone is telling you that he isn't good enough, hear out their reasoning. An unamitious guy in college is not a good sign. If he's not taking cate of himself he has personal stuff he needs to sort himself. If you want kids-he will not do better for them than himself. He likely won't father well.

Are you going to be able to change his fundamental personality of apathy? No. Its going to cause problems.

Does he treat you good. Yes. But my coworkers treat me good too. Thats not a romantic relationship. Thats basic human decently. Its a necessary standard, but a low one.

The chance that 100% of the people who know about him and disapproved are just jealous/mean and want you to dump the best man they've ever seen because they hate you....is low.

Title	How do you deal with the feeling of " but I deserve better" when it comes to settling down with a man?
Author	girldz
Upvotes	29
Comments	80
Date	July 20, 2021 12:11 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/oo0thd/how_do_you_deal_with_the_feeling_of_but_i_deserve/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-you-deal-with-the-feeling-of-but-i-deserve.794435 https://theredarchive.com/post/794435

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