For what?

FineTransition96 · 2022-11-21T04:52:11+00:00

Same story everywhere (including myself). I'm very sorry you are going through this. In our case the "reason" she has given me is not even an emotional affair or anything like that. She is "just not happy anymore" and needs her "freedom".

We have two young children - be grateful that you only got one. Because double the child support is seriously scary (of course I had to be the breadwinner to make her life as easy and comfortable as possible).

Just focus on yourself, get in the best shape of your life and give all the love that you wasted on her to yourself. We will get through this. Oh: and NEVER marry again - it is an absolute scam against men.

toooldforthisnonsens · 2022-11-21T11:58:15+00:00

She thought the grass was greener on the other side. The real problem is that she forgot to water her lawn.

Gattsama · 2022-11-21T05:10:52+00:00

Hey, sorry you are going through this BS. The sad truth is that very few people, especially women, are fit for marriage anymore. A long term, monogamous relationship is hard, and society has told women that it's not suppose to be hard, it's suppose to be easy. He's suppose to take care of you, and if you are having negative feelings or interactions it's because he's not doing his job. Since her emotions are not under her control, but external and controlled by her husband, he's failing to do his job (other wise she wouldn't have these thoughts and feelings); therefore she is justified and seeking them elsewhere.

It's a delusion, but most people are pretty delusional these days. The ex use to tell me that everything that is wrong in the relationship is my fault, and that we have zero happy memories (17 years together) because I ruined ever happy moment / memory. Since everything was 100% my fault: 1) she had to take no responsibility or self reflection on anything, it was my job to change & 2) she was justified any ANYTHING she did to 'protect' herself.

You will never understand it, because you are looking for a logically explanation to an illogical thought process. It's all based on emotion and feelings. Ultimately the goal is acceptance... Good luck and stay safe out there...

CB33isGMC · 2022-11-21T06:52:38+00:00

Don’t look for logic because there is none. Just know when a woman is done she’s done. No amount of talking, reasoning, or counseling is going to change it. Focus on your future.

Misery loves company so if it makes you feel any better many men on this forum have similar experiences. My kids were top students and dominant athletes but the ex didn’t give a flying fuck, the streets were calling. We were literally living the American Dream and it was arbitrarily blown to bits.

Life will get better but you have a long road ahead. If I can give you any advice it’s to start being selfish. Put yourself first in everything you do.

EyesOpened50 · 2022-11-21T08:27:53+00:00

Sound familiar to anyone?

Ambitious-Cheetah-36 · 2022-11-21T11:29:18+00:00

She did all the ruining and will still feel entitled to half..ask me how I know 😂

PriestofSodom22 · 2022-11-21T12:28:44+00:00

You’re understandably pissed, but it’s GREAT you see it, set the boundary, and are willing to walk away. So many dudes just won’t and will stay in denial, get worse and worse trying to “fix” things, or kiss her ass and still wind up left. I did the same thing but it’s coming from 25 years. The experience cost me two houses, half my military pension, and most of my adult years. I literally left with my guns, clothes, and dog. It will cost but at the end of the day there is no price too high for your peace. You got this shit eh 👍

Edit: spelling

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2022-11-21T13:04:42+00:00

Same story man, in our mid 30s, married 7.5 with two kids, great jobs, vacations, paid off house in a nice area, two new cars and a future full of possibilities and the stbx "wasn't happy " and decided to have an affair with a twice divorced 50 year old who says is her "greatest emotional connection and soulmate".

Why....who cares anymore, I've stopped trying to understand the mind of an irrational person.

Idaho2A · 2022-11-21T05:51:34+00:00

I asked the EXACT same questions. “For what?”. You will never get an answer dude, and if you get one it will be a lie. Get a divorce, it won’t get better. You won’t work it out. You will never be able to trust her again, you will never be able to look at the the same way again.

Just be mindful of what you do and say or you will run into the same issues I did, becoming the scapegoat. My STBX couldn’t stand the fact of being the wrong doing part so she went around on a smear campaign making me out to be an abusive person. So now everyone thinks that we are getting a divorce because I abused her. She has everyone convinced that she didn’t cheat, that she is a perfect mother to our 2 year old daughter, and that when I ask for 50/50 custody, 50% of our assets, and the grounds for divorce as adultery, that I’m doing that to fuck her over.

Get a lawyer, file for divorce, and try to pick up the pieces of your heart that she has yet to rip out of your chest to stomp on. Do this not only for yourself but for your kid, because he deserves the best version of you!

Send me a DM if you need to hear why you shouldn’t try to repair it, I took the wrong route and put my heart and soul into trying to make it work.

mlbrowninsc · 2022-11-21T12:31:26+00:00

Going through similar here. Wife is no longer happy after 30 years. Seems to be a waste of time talking and therapy hasn’t helped. Best of luck to you. I’m lucky my kids are grown.

trailhopper999 · 2022-11-21T10:27:55+00:00

Same. There is solid advice here in the comments. Take the time, exercise, therapy, learn about narcissistic behavior, learn about yourself. I found it helpful to understand that I was grieving the potential of the relationship, which was futile.

samk002001 · 2022-11-21T22:19:39+00:00

It makes a lot of sense! Women are controlled by their emotions and hormones, and they have no accountability or whatsoever and also get rewarded half of your shit when she cheat!

Pharmanomic · 2022-11-22T07:39:04+00:00

Remember most women are emotional and not rational beings. Therefore they often act in the moment and don’t think of long term consequences

georeddit2018 · 2022-11-21T15:22:54+00:00

She will not and can't comprehend whatever makes logic sense to you and everyone else regarding your relationship.

pk2at · 2022-11-21T16:22:45+00:00

Not much you can do about the emotional connection, see if you can guilt trip her into giving you all the money, you will need it more than her

Xan-Diesel · 2022-11-21T21:19:49+00:00

It definitely feels like women tend to make emotionally charged decisions that rational thinking wouldn't support. Unfortunately we can't control the way they operate. If wanting something to change *badly* enough worked I'm sure very few of us would be in the position we're in.

It seems (in talking to men) that men tend to want their women to stay the same and women tend to want to change their men. If that anecdote is accurate the majority of the time it makes sense that we see relationships fail at the rate we're seeing.

I also saw my ex-wife leave after discovering her emotional affair. It was very difficult to watch her drift away and move out with her Sister. It was more difficult to see her move in with her affair partner and learn they were then engaging in a physical affair shortly after she left. Maybe it was much earlier. Who knows? It doesn't really matter, now.

Support in forums like this can be wonderful. You'll hear lots of the same stories and experiences. I'd encourage you to do everything you can to honor the commitments you've made and hold true to your principles. In the event your relationship ends in divorce you'll be able to take solace in the fact that you didn't stoop to her level or make things more difficult. You don't have to belittle her or hurt her in anyway. Ironically the best thing you can do for yourself (self-improvement) is the best revenge. "The best revenge is a life well lived."

Acknowledging the situation you're in is important. Now is the time to pour yourself into the relationship. It'll be extremely difficult and you'll find the woman you married isn't the woman that divorces you. She'll resist everything and question it all and that's if she even entertains the idea of attempting a reconciliation. If you start working on yourself now you'll be in a better position if she leaves. Exercising, picking up new hobbies, rekindling old friendships, reading more, hiking, shooting. There are many things you can do to improve yourself and the benefits are wide ranging. I'm sorry you're going through this. We say it constantly but things will get better in time.

Ornery-Effect-8852 · 2022-11-22T02:46:46+00:00

‘Gina tingles is a hell of a drug. Stop pretending she is a rational adult; she is a spoiled teenager, a child with no sense of responsibility but all (in her mind) authority over marital matters. She knows best— just ask her.

ContentMushroom6342 · 2022-11-22T21:37:10+00:00

Got to say guys this is a brilliant post and how many more of us go through this broken family for nothing Keep the great advice guys

BaldieGoose · 2022-11-21T20:33:11+00:00

So many accurate comments in here.

EvidencePlz · 2022-11-21T11:02:16+00:00

Because the law and society allow and encourage both men and women (and not only women. You as a man can do the exact same thing your wife is doing right now and there would be no law stopping you from doing it). to do it. That's why. You can now shop around for something "better". Say there's an amusement park in your city you have been visiting for a decade. All of a sudden now there's another one that claims to be better. What do you do? The law and the society have turned humans, their body and their emotions into mere objects that you can buy, use and then throw away like a used fleshlight. There's nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Heck I'm not even gonna blame women at this point from here on out.

32_Belly_Option · 2022-11-21T13:13:59+00:00

If you're really looking for perspective, listening to others who were not the initiator won't do you any good.

People leave because there are things in their partner they cannot live with, and they don't see that behaviour ever changing.

As for getting an answer... You probably won't. They've already tried to tell you in their own way. They are beyond frustrated that you didn't hear the message, and if they are at the point of divorce they don't see any reason to bash it out again. It can also be so multi layered by the time divorce comes that it's hard to explain.

Finally, many initiators do not believe that this is all on you. The smart ones will realize that they had a hand in this too. Personalities etc.. sadly it doesn't change or fix the above. Probably made it harder to resolve.

Granted this is simply my perspective, and the perspective of other people I know who have initiated divorce.

ContentMushroom6342 · 2022-11-24T05:39:06+00:00

Just wondered how many of you guys heard the famous ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' line?

TakeBackWhat · 2022-11-29T06:38:13+00:00

It’s not about him nearly as much as the freedom to be with him or him or him or him. I think liberation is super alluring and intoxicating for wives. The oft referenced reward avalanche = no hangover from this intoxicant. Better to compare yourself to sweet sweet “freedom” than it is to a particular guy.

I so feel you on all that was permanently discarded. Usually effortlessly. Callously. I hadn’t thought about the list possibility of future children. F*ck.

Title	For what?
Author	BearBearChooey
Upvotes	40
Comments	78
Date	November 21, 2022 4:34 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/z0pies/for_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/for-what.1140767 https://theredarchive.com/post/1140767

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