How to forgive

Ok_Crew_3392 · 2024-06-04T14:42:26+00:00

It’s definitely a hard thing to do. It’s something I struggled with, and still struggle with at times. I see my ex almost everyday due to the kids, and seeing her walk around with and talk with the guy she had an affair with is absolutely a huge trigger. Some days are better than others. I try to keep things in perspective and realize that we both messed up in our relationship and are both to blame. I’m there for the children and the children only. I won’t volunteer my time or give advice for anything for her unless she specifically asks me for it. I used to help around her house, like if I noticed the dishes needed to be washed, I’d do that without being asked…now it’s all on her. If she mentions her AC is broken, I just say “oh man that sucks”, not in a petty way, but to acknowledge the issue only. The only time I’ll help without being asked is if it involves my children. But as far as tips go…a book called “Forgive for Good” by Fred Luskin. It really helped me out as far as what forgiveness actually is and how to move through ruminating thoughts. Good luck

Remarkable_Egg492 · 2024-06-02T18:06:52+00:00

Don't forgive. Be the biggest nastiest asshole you have to be. Fight until The bitter end

azwildcat74 · 2024-06-01T16:28:40+00:00

You're not over it and you shouldn't be considering being friends or in a relationship until you are 100% completely over it. Forgiveness means letting alllllll of the bullshit go, you don't necessarily owe her that but if you're going to do it you need to do it all the way. You're not done processing it all yet, that much is a fact.

mrk177 · 2024-06-01T14:42:38+00:00

Talk to a therapist, they should provide some tools that will help.

Accepting that you can’t control others actions and only how you respond and deal with the situation helps me.

Another thing is writing. I write all my raw feelings emotions out on paper. The way I look at it is I get it out on paper and that’s where those emotions now reside, not in my head but on that paper.

Just a couple things that helps me move past situations. I hate the idea of people living in my head rent free. Good luck. Great job getting to the space you are in now.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2024-06-01T14:06:38+00:00

Open up the new testament and read it as it will teach you about forgiveness

Matthew 6:12
and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

Matthew 6:14
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.

Matthew 6:15
But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 9:2
Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven.”

Matthew 9:5
Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’?

Matthew 9:6
So I will prove to you that the Son of Man has the authority on earth to forgive sins.” Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home!”

Matthew 12:31
“So I tell you, every sin and blasphemy can be forgiven—except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which will never be forgiven.

Matthew 12:32
Anyone who speaks against the Son of Man can be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven, either in this world or in the world to come.

Matthew 18:21
Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor
Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-06-01T13:32:00+00:00

I’m here for the advice. I still can’t fully let go of how my exwife did things that crushed and devastated me.

HappyUnderstanding97 · 2024-06-01T12:23:54+00:00

you have to learn and accept, even though it hurts sometimes like -go with the flow-or let bygones be gone-Eat crow- or what it takes from a good friend to help you forget the past .its like this example , I use to yell and try to get through my first stubborn wife's head not to go through a whole roll of wipe up paper a day , now my new wife buys it buy the case, so why was I getting so obsessed with the first wife's action's, and look how it could have been worst so you just let it go was it worth me yelling at the first wife , NO. [ just my opinion.]

Potential_Item610 · 2024-06-01T07:20:00+00:00

Never do give betrayal, it is not a strength and as some one has already mentioned part of a bullshit narrative - it’s a business deal that involves children.

david10277 · 2024-06-01T07:12:56+00:00

The only person you forgive is yourself !!! That's it

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-06-01T05:42:06+00:00

Being friends or amicable is all part of the female narrative. The male term is apathy. Simply put, you couldn’t care less about her and what she does, and you absolutely couldn’t care less about what she thinks about how you live your life.

The goal is emotionless interaction.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-01T03:48:13+00:00

Dunno, I never forgave my ex. She certainly doesn't feel she did anything wrong, and I don't ever need to do a good turn to her ever again.

BuddhistChrist · 2024-06-01T03:25:25+00:00

You don’t have to forgive. You can still move forward. Have a full life. Not be driven by hate. And still not forgive.

yes2matt · 2024-06-01T01:58:47+00:00

I'm just a few months ahead of you in the process. Tho I could give a shit to be actually friends with her, amicability makes it easier to negotiate kid/time issues so I keep it friendly-like. Also have some traumatic incidents "whoppers"

I try to always keep in mind that people are doing the best they can, in any given situation. We each have limited tools and limited perspective, and sometimes we are acting out of drives and desires which were programmed into us as kids and we don't even realize it. This is true for me, you, her, each of us. We are limited, and we are doing our best. Really.

If I accept that she was doing her best to deal with whatever situation as she perceived it, with limited perspective. And I accept that I was too. Then I can still feel hurt or angry or dissed or whatever, but I don't have to hate her for it. I can just accept it as a shitty thing that happened. She said some things that I might should have slapped her for. (I didn't) and she did some things that I ought to have called 911 and documented. (I didn't) but she was doing her best to deal with the situation as she understood it. Obviously I think her understanding was WAY OUT of line, but ya know, mine probably was too.

And, actively, I have made a personal commitment with God that I won't rehearse those events when she was horrible. I'll not be able to forget them, but I won't actively remember them. When they come up in my mind, I remember that I've chosen not to go here any more, and I try and think of something else. Put a podcast in the earbud or some music on, call a friend, whatever. Actively distract myself from that pattern. Sometimes I still slide into it just a little bit but I'm getting better at staying out, and its gotten easier.

When you stumble, fall, get back up. Keep your eyes up and in front, keep moving forward.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-05-31T23:45:33+00:00

Biggest thing is to build your co-parenting relationship from scratch. Whatever happened in your past romantic relationship is irrelevant to your new co-parenting relationship. Do not bring any dynamics from the past into this brand new relationship.

Still work on forgiving, just know that has nothing to do with co-parenting. Your ex may have been an awful romantic partner, but that doesn't mean she is a bad parent or bad co-parent. But you will want to work on forgiving (not forgetting) for your own healing and ability to have healthy romantic relationships going forward.

Reflog1791 · 2024-05-31T22:40:44+00:00

Tried many times. It always comes back to them wanting more $$. I would say let her go and move on.

Cheap_House8696 · 2024-05-31T22:20:41+00:00

Never forgive, just forget and not care anymore

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-05-31T21:38:54+00:00

There's forgiveness and there's reconciliation.

Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. You're releasing all the hate and pain and embracing peace. This is ALWAYS the right thing to do for yourself.

Reconciliation is starting up a relationship with someone you had to forgive. I'm not talking about remarrying your wife. I'm talking about being in her life AT ALL. Reconciliation is a gift you give someone else. You don't HAVE to give them this gift just like you don't have to give them ANY gift. You don't have to give ME, an internet stranger, a gift do you? You don't have to give her one either.

So you can forgive, but not have a relationship with the object of your forgiveness. In fact, it's probably wise to avoid having a relationship with someone who stabbed you in the back once (or twice, etc).

So I would say it's good for your psyche to forgive. But not necessarily good for you to reconcile with them in any way. You can have forgiveness without reconciliation.

Capable_Luck_2817 · 2024-05-31T21:10:33+00:00

Who says you have to forgive? Get busy doing things that are personally fulfilling and you’ll stop caring altogether.

Malcolm_tent8 · 2024-05-31T21:03:47+00:00

Following because it’s eating me inside out

Title	How to forgive
Author	catter3423
Upvotes	13
Comments	34
Date	May 31, 2024 8:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1d55fzy/how_to_forgive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-forgive.1520185 https://theredarchive.com/post/1520185

Comments