Walkaway Wife

Chemical_Werewolf836 · 2023-12-19T05:49:28+00:00

I reckon what makes it hurt even more is that here we are, husbands of walkaway wives, deeply changed, broken, repentant, humbled men, more eager than ever to do whatever it takes to become the husbands our wives always wanted us to become... yet our wives no longer care. Just as they finally got what they've been yearning to achieve all along, they stop caring.

Ok-Simple1142 · 2023-11-08T04:11:17+00:00

I see a lot of women hate here…

Did you ask her about her day or if her needs were met? Were you an equal partner? Did you celebrate her? On her birthday? Take the time to buy her flowers or a gift for special occasions? Did you plan a date? Did you participate in parenting? Did you help with budgeting or finances? Schedule your own doctors appointments, maybe even your kids or partners? Grocery shop? Contribute at least 50% to the mental load or household chores? Take the time to look up from your phone and have a real conversation?

So many men today think it’s ok to just check out and default everything to the wife… they beg and plead for help, only to be told “I’ll do it later,” “I deserve a gold star -insert one small thing here-“ guess what, your wife has carried a mental and physical load you could never even fathom…

You feel like she didn’t communicate, but I promise she did for years. Once she gave up trying, you thought everything was fine, that’s the calm before the storm, where she’s grieving your relationship. Once she’s grieved, she’s strong enough to leave and guess what, you are standing there all confused like you didn’t know that a marriage was a partnership… You all think that she didn’t communicate, but she did. And once she gave up, you all just stupidly thought she finally caved and let you be a lazy jerk. But guess what, that’s when she’s too far gone.

Xan-Diesel · 2023-06-16T16:52:40+00:00

Your story mirrors many of ours. Women handle things differently than men in virtually every avenue. When women "vent" we try to "fix" the issue despite our significant other typically having no desire to resolve anything. We're surprised when the separation and divorce happens because for many of us: if everything is going "normally" there isn't an issue or anything to suspect. They're grieving the loss of the relationship before we even realize there's trouble.

We view the destruction as absolute and struggle to see why they're so carefree, happy and able to move on so quickly. They've already moved on before we know what hit us and the "light switch effect" tells them they haven't lost anything of value.

We all feel anger and frustration and aim all of it at ourselves. We internalize it because we feel like we're failures and the collapse of the marriage is something we could've avoided had we done "better".

You're going to be okay - hang in there. You'll see over time that you're not crazy. Your feelings are valid. You love your significant other and didn't want this to happen. You'll continue to take responsibility for your actions and hold yourself accountable and none of it will make a difference. Desire can't be negotiated and only leads to obligated compliance. You'll continue waking up and handling business. You'll become the man you want to be and let the guilt and betrayal and abandonment fall off of you like leaves.

You'll pick up new hobbies and revisit old hobbies. You'll have your space the way you want it. You'll perform tasks the way you desire. You'll operate how you want and do what you want, when you want. You'll reignite old friendships and discover new adventures. You'll discover being happy alone.

Eventually you'll wake up one day and remember that you forgot to miss your significant other, your old life and what transpired.

hillbillyswan · 2023-06-15T03:14:24+00:00

I won't say that you're lucky, because this is not a lucky situation probably. You had some bad luck. But I will say that it could have been far worse. Seems like your wife was willing enough to work on it to go to therapy. She stuck around for long enough to have two children and ensure that you will forever be reproductively successful in the sense that you have replaced yourselves. She voiced the reasons why she was leaving, and although that may be very painful and hurtful to hear, it is more than some people get.

My STBXW left before my son was 3 years old. She is not willing to have any sort of adult conversation about why. She won't give me any kind of closure like that because she would prefer to see me suffer. I think it's because she knows her behavior is morally not defensible and so doesn't want to initiate any conversation about it. She cheated on me for close to a YEAR with a coworker. In my bed. Then took pictures for me to find.

She did not ever seriously attempt to work on things for the sake of our children. She truly doesn't give a f*** about our only son. My life is now so destroyed that it may be unlikely for me to ever have any more children. I know it's hard right now, but you need to talk to lawyers as soon as possible.

Divorce has been described by many as a "race to the courthouse." The filing party often has a slight advantage in the proceedings. Priority one now for you is to get a lawyer before Saturday and to get that lawyer to file as soon as possible. Then, your proposed parenting plan becomes the default. Your kids need you. Kids need their dad. Focus on them. You may have lost her, but you haven't lost them yet. Do everything in your power to ensure that you don't. Pray to god and rely on the support of family and friends. Keep your head up. Hang in there.

You are worthy of a person who doesn't "emotionally check out" from their relationship with you, of a person who takes their vows seriously and wouldn't break them for any reason, of a person who prioritizes you in the same way that you prioritize them. She doesn't appreciate you and has decided to discard you. You are now released from your vows. It's time to cut your losses and learn to live without this person. In time, you will learn that a person who isn't emotionally present isn't worthy of your emotional present. The fact that they were capable of being "emotionally checked out" is super fucked up. You don't deserve that. You deserve a person who is emotionally present. You sound like such a person. Don't settle for an emotionally stunted, toxic person.

mmd746 · 2023-06-14T17:17:43+00:00

Going through something similar... It's frustrating to feel like it's too late to fix it by the time you know about it, and the other person doesn't want to fix it. Whether or not you should have known about it will be something you may never agree on. You will think about all of the things you could have done differently, knowing what you now know. You will wonder where the exact point was where it would not have been too late if you made changes. In the end, You can't "should have done something." You can only work with what knowledge you have at the time.

ephemeraltaxidermy · 2023-06-13T15:23:36+00:00

Someone "in love" will sneak out of the house, climb through a window, and fuck somebody on a cum-stained mattress on the floor of a trap house and think it was the hottest thing they've ever done.

Someone not "in love" will curse you out for how you load the dishwasher or for getting stuck in traffic and keep in mind a list of transgressions a mile long.

Tons of people, men and women, know when a relationship has reached its expiration date and act on it, but the dudes that needed to read No More Mr. Nice Guy never learned that lesson, or are too broken in some way to heed it. We stick it out obliviously until our wives become too numb to care and beyond done. And for whatever reason they don't heed the call either, usually I believe that initially they really don't want to hurt us or blow up a family, or are comfortable, or afraid of change, or have the same mental/emotional/intellectual issue we do regarding love and making it work etc...

Read the stories here and at deadbedrooms, in their minds, those men are withstanding abuse...and to some extent, for some reason, wives also withstand some kind of "abuse" until, just like the dudes at deadbedrooms occasionally do, they are beyond done and have to get the fuck out.

It could just be the-grass-is-greener, or ambitions, or resentment, or a million reasons or unreasons, but to them it is as big of a deal as sex and intimacy is to those deadbedroom dudes. Keep in mind neurotypical and healthy men and/or women have jettisoned this relationship long long long before this point. Many of us probably went 3-6 months without sex, before the engagement even! Think a healthy neurotypical man with options would stick around for that? Nawh bro.

And so this woman, who resents you, who has withstood some sort of "emotional abuse" or "lifestyle deprivation" because of you, who has had to recontextualize your entire relationship in order to motivate herself to make the leap, thinks that when she goes, she has to be gone, so she waits to finish school, or get a promotion, or a new man to enter the picture. And that abuse/deprivation/recontextualization leads to the "splitting" or black/white thinking we see so much here...she knows you are a gentle man who would never hurt a fly, and sometimes treats you like that, but also sometimes treats you like someone who is potentially dangerous, or at least has to pull that shit for you to finally get the message that she's really, really, REALLY, fucking done with you because men like us didn't get the memo, our self-preservation instincts are shit.

A wise person once said "every unhappy wife is a rape victim." And in that context, it all makes sense doesn't it? I'll go further, some unhappy husbands are "rape" victims too, well, "trauma survivor" is less inflammatory, we just don't know any better. Why else would we all need therapy, be broken for months to years, promise to swear off women forever, etc...? Sounds similar huh?

But it isn't just the woman's fault, we chose her, we invited her into our life to fulfill a need or desire, we chose her to recreate a dynamic that we are familiar and comfortable with or aspired to, and likely continuously ignored that; either that dynamic is imaginary, unrealistic, and/or toxic as fuck, or she's not the right person for us and that dynamic, or we ourselves are not fit for that dynamic either and she's our scapegoat.

Imsosadsoveryverysad · 2023-06-14T12:22:36+00:00

Same thing happened to me man. When she finally let it all out, I asked her to work on it but she was already completely done. We were together 18, married 15. High school sweethearts with 2 young boys.

It’s been about a year since “separation” but I just moved out of the house because I wanted to be there for the kids full time through the school year to make it as easy as possible on them. I struggled hard for that whole year. But I did it for the kids.

Do it for the kids, and even in your most difficult moments in the process, you will have no regrets.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-06-14T04:48:44+00:00

Walkaway wife is simply entitlement. They dream of what they believe should be handed to them. Fabio looking guy, who has a seven figure corporate job, yet is home everyday by 4:00pm, sits for hours talking, does all the household work and dotes upon them daily. All it takes is a solid year of thinking that way.

Then they divorce. Get in shape. They get ran through for 3-4 years, are bitter and post TikTok’s wondering where all the good men are.

Then more TikTok’s when ex husband finds a GF and treats her seemingly better. Wonder why?

Frustrated, and faced with reality, they marry way down so as not to be alone for the rest or their lives. Back to square one. Divorce yet again? Stay miserable to save face?

polarshred · 2023-06-14T01:43:02+00:00

Don't let her make you think you were fucking this up for years. When a woman loses attraction she will paint everything in hindsight negatively. That's just her perception. I'm sure you did fine.

Take time to get yourself together. Your life will soon be much better than it ever was with her. Trust me.

Admirable-Repair7040 · 2023-06-14T00:25:09+00:00

I definitely, feel your pain. She checked out of the relationship long ago. Now it's your turn to catch up and check out too. Put your feelings to the side and realize you didn't own her it was just your turn. Now that your turn is over. Take this time and change yourself for the better. Chase excellence not women. Enjoy your kids, find new hobbies use that pain for good. You'll think about what you've lost everyday but I promise you'll gain so much more focusing and loving yourself. Goodluck to you.

jaihind123456 · 2023-06-13T20:27:50+00:00

Ucatter3423 ... this was my situation as well. 18 years I ignored the signs but one night it was over. Nothing I said coukd save it. When they decide they decide for both. We tried counselling but it was a formality. All I can say is I am so sorry. I wanted my old life back but she didn't. I became the enemy abd stranger immediately. It was like there was no 18 yrs together. All became a distant memory for her and I became the enemy. I have never heard anyone come back from the walkway wife so just get lawyered up ... its gonna be a painful and tough battle bro

captainchippsixx · 2023-06-13T18:54:08+00:00

Takes two. Own half. She needs to own her half of shit. But women don’t do that.

Watch strong successful make on you tube.

BaldieGoose · 2023-06-13T17:54:34+00:00

A woman not communicating and then a year later dropping the bomb? Ah, a tale as old as time.

warrior_up · 2023-06-13T17:52:42+00:00

Same. Never works with a leaver, they do it immaturely as a way to control you emotionally

Get it done. Get visitation and co parenting app as I assure you she will continue trying to play games, just use kids for a while to hurt you further.

playerknowmore · 2023-06-13T17:29:06+00:00

Women hate to be held accountable. Saying they have FOMO makes them look bad. If women initiate divorce in eighty percent of the time, you can't tell me none of them is FOMO. I think at least fifty percent are cheating or FOMO.

That being said. Brothers, be easy on yourselves . They blame you, so you will blame yourself. More often than not, she is selfish. Your self-loathing is a back door. Just in case the grass is not greener. It takes two to end the marriage. Why do men harbor all the blame. Unless you cheated, both of you took turns at the wheel.

rb577511 · 2023-06-13T17:07:12+00:00

My experience is that when faced with an option they find exciting or appealing, people will dredge up stuff from ages ago to justify their actions. There MAY be a bit more going on than you know about.

Ncfc48 · 2023-06-13T16:12:26+00:00

Just remember mate we have all been through something similar to you and are all in this together, I'm typing this at work painting cars in the city of Norwich in England in the UK and am here like most of us to help our fellow man good luck mate keep on here and talk anytime

henrysmyagent · 2023-06-13T15:49:07+00:00

Do not believe a word of that crap salad that came out of her mouth.

No woman is ever the villain in he life story.

She is a grown-assed woman and could have used her big girl words just like any other adult.

But she chose not to, and now she has to backfill an emotion driven decision with reasons, no matter how unreasonable they may be.

Stop thinking about her. Stop considering her in your decisions. You and your kids are all that matter now.

In fact, you should look for an opportunity to do something that benefits you and the kids but not your wife in anyway whatsoever.

Perhaps a mini-vacation of just you and the kids. Don't tell her about but don't keep it a secret either.

Let her know that life will go on without her

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-06-13T15:44:44+00:00

Does she blame herself for anything at all?

WindowFuzz · 2023-06-13T14:46:03+00:00

She chose to water the weeds of resentment instead of the flowers of gratitude. You probably did contribute to some extent, and you should explore what you did so you don't do it again. But it really takes two to end a relationship, so don't blame yourself for everything. The blame will hold you back from the discovery work you need to do. And, most important, it will prevent you from being a good father.

Spodee5 · 2023-06-13T14:29:30+00:00

I feel for you. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself for her not taking responsibility to communicate with you. You are not a mind reader. From your post it seems like you care so I have to believe if she had communicated earlier you probably would have tried to change.

Get an attorney, hit the gym, get a therapist.

No_Key_6276 · 2023-06-13T14:07:28+00:00

I’ve spent 2 years riding the blame train. Feel it, learn and apply. Don’t stay on longer than you have to

DriveByTroll · 2023-06-13T13:59:03+00:00

You're not a mind reader; don't let somebody convince you that is an expectation. The uncorking thing is just seeking an audience for their catharsis performance, ideally someone temporary who is obligated to not judge them, otherwise it isn't sufficiently satisfying to people with a main character syndrome.

throwsadaccountxxx · 2023-06-13T13:37:12+00:00

Don't get yourself fooled by those Internet concept overly promoted, specially in reddit. Introspection is always an interesting work, but you're the dumpee so blaming yourself is no surprise.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-06-13T13:20:55+00:00

Easy coz exploding pays for the terrorists. Take the incentive (you get nothing you haven’t earned yourself) and this would Never have been a problem. Add resilient healthcare / police that works towards ensuring the un-sane unemployed get Treated / kept from harming others instead of this “care in the community” bullshit and protects the property owners rights as opposed to a hookup could potentially call the ‘pigs and get You removed from your own place for the night/month and ….

… one could potentially actually dare to have Children without having to join a fundamentalist religion or place-one-wouldn’t-want-to-live-in that has spanking as official punishment

miabrownn · 2023-06-13T13:12:24+00:00

i wish you the best in life, look forward <3

new2life_2023 · 2023-06-13T12:51:52+00:00

I might be close to a similar end result - One thing I have found powerful has been to think about the things she said multiple times that I maybe overlooked and I am trying to use those to be more self-aware and overall a better person. It may not save my marriage but useful for future relationships. I have also found it stops my brain going down the blame game - I can only control and be accountable for my actions.

AnonJetlag · 2023-06-13T12:51:05+00:00

Can anyone explain why so many women do this? Why do they hold it in and not talk about anything, and then just explode?

georeddit2018 · 2023-06-13T12:37:24+00:00

Its takes two people for a relationship to work. Am sure its not all your fault.

sicrm · 2023-06-13T12:22:43+00:00

it takes two.

she had frustrations going back years and instead of saying anything then when it could be fixed, she waited until it was over to make herself feel better and make you feel like you are now.

xosto · 2023-06-13T12:22:13+00:00

You're experiencing a lot of feelings right now and it's not easy but there's growth in the challenge you're about to face.

It takes a really painful experience for men to wake up and change.. because we love comfortable situations and what was happening was comfortable for you.

Try to embrace the discomfort and figure out your core values and find the parts you love about yourself and find a way to connect your love for yourself, your values, and see if there are goals and things you've held back from doing that you can go accomplish.

Also figure out how you can be a better father and co-parent going forward.

But don't take it all on yourself. There are plenty of books and courses out there for men that offer compassion for men and a male positive approach.

I personally joined the Mentoring Men community and there's a lot of people there going through the same stuff.

Justindastardly · 2023-06-13T11:58:10+00:00

I don’t remember if it was a study or a poll but it’s been said that women have checked out at least a year before they announce they want a divorce. That being said, don’t let hindsight keep you from looking forward. I know it’s rough now, but you’ll pull through this. And as silly as it sounds, this group of anonymous strangers on the internet is about the most supportive group I’ve ever seen. We’re here for you brother.

Title	Walkaway Wife
Author	catter3423
Upvotes	71
Comments	102
Date	June 13, 2023 11:51 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/148dl0d/walkaway_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/walkaway-wife.1222410 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222410

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