Tell me it comes back around

No_Key_6276 · 2023-04-02T15:25:13+00:00

Work on you and it will come together. Don’t let her live in your head anymore. She’s clearly not worth it. If living her best life is sluting it up then you dodged a bullet. People like that kill everything around them. Better now than later. Will it come around? Maybe, but it doesn’t matter anymore

sicrm · 2023-04-02T15:36:07+00:00

she’s doing it to get this exact reaction which is short term thinking.

play the long game, keep focusing on your kids, and you’ll get come out ahead.

Charlie-Dee-444 · 2023-04-02T15:35:54+00:00

Am in the exact same position. She has a new dude. Our youngest of two kids cries for her as she leaves at night for sleepovers at the new dude's house. Yes it eats me up and have been given sleeping tablets due to inability to sleep thinking of this...but I can say I am improving in accepting the new reality....I believe it will get better. Focusing on myself and our two kids (8 and 5years old)

Remarkable-Potato21 · 2023-04-02T15:54:36+00:00

It comes back around ten fold. You're still healing. It is okay to be bothered and affected by it. Future you is going to thank you. Enjoy the time with your kids. Start up new routines and schedules with them that you can accomplish when you are living on your own. After cohabitation, it will be easier to stop letting her rent space in your head. As much as it's cliché to say, it takes time. Keep doing you and let her go. Allow yourself to enjoy the little things.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-04-02T16:02:42+00:00

Yes, my ex did the same. Joining every social media platform possible, working out, coming home at 2 a.m., etc. My ex then got a boyfriend. Guess what? The kids saw all this and felt ignored by her. We have 50/50, and the oldest chose to live with me 100% a few years back. The youngest asks to come over all the time. My ex and her boyfriend broke up, and now she is back to her 'old' self and trying to re-establish a connection with our kids. Its a phase, but it sucks. I cohabited for some months but told her she needed to get tf out, and she did. I went a filed as she clearly wanted to stay 'married' but date others. Lol...i don't think so.

23FlavorsInDrPepper · 2023-04-02T15:36:58+00:00

It's definitely rough, but gotta move forward. I was having same issues. I just kept my mind occupied with other things like finding a new hobby, and exercising more. It's just a closing of a chapter in your life.

WartimeDad · 2023-04-02T16:05:40+00:00

Cohabitating is a nightmare. The healthy thing to do is not think about her at all. Like zero. It truly doesn’t matter what she does. What she does is likely sad and empty. Like eating m&ms and skittles there is nothing but empty calories. She can binge all she wants.

Point is- she’s rubbing it in your face to hurt you and make you feel this way. And, fairly, because she wants to get to the next chapter of her life.

This will get way better once you get away from her. You need to get away from her. What is to sort out? Clearly your current scenario is fucked.

northdakotact · 2023-04-02T20:40:23+00:00

she fufilled her biological goals, now it's time to go whore it up and find another sucker to use.

SpacemanLost · 2023-04-02T22:33:37+00:00

Not trying to pull in anything from those controversial subs, but it's a basic truth that it's a lot easier for her to go out and find new dudes for hookups and casual fun than it is for the majority of guys. The younger (especially if under 35) and prettier she is, the easier for her. It doesn't work exactly the same way for guys, though it usually gets much better towards middle age. This has been documented to death elsewhere.

What's important to realize is that she's going all in on short-term fun by "living her best life" aka being a party girl, at the expense of long term things. That's giving her massive 'instant validation' and dopamine hits from constantly having new partners. You on the other hand, ARE playing the long(er)-game.

Are any of these guys going to 'wife her up' as the kids say today, or even just take her in and pay all of her bills and act as a part time dad to your kids? I'll bet that nearly all of them would "rather keep it casual". Most ex-wives at this stage have a deluded idea of how easy it will be to find a guy that's better than their ex (you) 'in every way' and that they are going to lock him down into commitment. Almost all of them are in for BIG disappointment when they eventually fail at this. For now it's casual fun, but she's most probably going nowhere in terms of forming a long-term relationship with a quality guy that will stick around.

When I got divorced in my early 40s, I had gotten my s*it together compared to my younger years, and dating was a complete reverse from my teens / early 20s. I was the proverbial cheerleader who showed up at the chess club meetings. Tons of attention from a wide range of women. Only I had enough awareness and self confidence to not rush into anything and look at closely and vet every single gal I interacted with. Some were just for fun only. Many I passed on, as despite some pretty packaging I could see what they really wanted was just a provider and/or replacement dad for their kids.

Eventually I found, or should I say more precisely that she found me and initialed first contact, someone who was the kind of girl I always wish I had gotten with (I am to blame for my very poor choice of my ex, I thought I couldn't do better). My rule was that marriage wasn't even on the table for discussion until I knew someone 5 years. She went along with that. I wasn't even exclusive our first year. Anyway, I focused on me, and vetted women hard, and now we're coming up on our 9th anniversary, and it's been incredible so far.

OP - this can be you - trust in yourself that the 'long game' will work out in the end and you will be winner, (even though you will realize that the competition is only with yourself). Keep working to not let let what your ex/stbx does - I remember that what my ex did bothered me for a few years, but it faded and then went away. I actually feel a bit sorry for the guy she married after the alimony checks stopped. A downgrade in a lot of ways.

reddit_1999 · 2023-04-02T19:00:30+00:00

here's the saying that's been my mantra the past year and a half of unofficial separation, living in same house.

"It's a marathon, not a sprint."

I want to be around for the end of the marathon. Outlast the MF'ers. That's my plan.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2023-04-02T17:08:14+00:00

The thing about the karmic payback is that when it does come around, you’re not necessarily going to have a front row seat. That, and it works on its own timetable.

Being so easily replaced hurts, but the double standard has existed long before and will exist long after these days have passed. This is a tumultuous period, and is a rite of passage of its own. When things are sorted, the next phase begins.

Once you are out and have the kiddo 50/50, this is the long haul. It’s you and the kiddo … that’s what you work for. Maybe you’ll meet someone, but that should be way down your priority list while you shore up your life and make it what you want it to be. The work does have dividends: your health improves, you hone your craft, you can get errands done on non kiddo days so you can be present.

After a time, you won’t care either way what she does or how she is except as to how it affects your kid. That is a powerful place to be in, but that process of grief takes years, isn’t linear, and often repeats parts. Anger fades and that part of your life can be filled with other things.

Maybe by the time the payback comes around, you won’t even care. Remember, love and hate are neighbors. The true opposite is indifference.

Bipolar_investor · 2023-04-02T22:23:11+00:00

Yesterday was the day you stopped being in charge of her behavior, and started being in charge of yourself and taking care of yourself as if you were someone else.

5unshine_Daydream · 2023-04-03T14:55:32+00:00

It's a balancing act, isn't it. Connection is such an important part of a happy, satisfying life. Yet, so much self-improvement advice is about doing shit alone: workout alone, lose weight alone, do hobbies alone, eat healthy alone, etc. The big problem is it creates that most troublesome mental model that some vague condition in life must be reached first, and then you can begin living. Unfortunately, the only thing that mindset accomplishes is continued sales of self-help books.

RideATX · 2023-04-03T18:20:28+00:00

Will it come around? No, she won't be held accountable. But, the good news is she'll never be happy and the wall is undefeated. Become the best version of yourself and you'll come out on top. Once you get to that point you won't even care what she's doing because it has no meaning to you.

kdthex01 · 2023-04-02T16:59:08+00:00

I’m sorry ur experiencing this. Lean in on the kids. If she’s going out do game or movie night. The more she goes out the more fun u can have with the kids.

glassofwater05 · 2023-04-02T17:02:44+00:00

Similar position. We are still living together, but are separated. She ditched me like I was garbage, and I was in disbelief that she could do that after all the years we have been together. I just found out why it was so easy for her to check out. She has been having a long distance affair (sexting, and sending videos..., but nothing physical yet) with a dude she worked with for several years. He is married. Both have security clearances. They are making plans to hook up on a romantic getaway as soon as our divorce is final.

The divorce was killing me because I still loved her, but this news is tearing me apart inside.

hsar15232 · 2023-04-02T19:53:54+00:00

u/saddivorcename

I assume when you say 'sort things out', you mean that custody details, property division, etc.

If that is the case, keep a detailed log of all her outings, neglect for kids, neglect for house, etc. But don't let her know. If possible, use it to get better custody/property share - if possible. You will have to talk to your lawyer about this.

Also know this - you haven't mentioned any skeletons in the closet on your part. So, while the above paragraph is enticing to act up on, be careful and evaluate the situation before you shoot.

Accomplished-Toe5220 · 2023-04-03T00:17:04+00:00

Hey man don't be a cuck you deserve some time out too. You need to be documenting everything and find out who she is seeing. Hide as many assets as you can and begin the process of ruining her life as soon as possible. You got to start playing fair. It's like you're tying your hands behind your back and expecting to take on a purple belt with them neck tattoos.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-04-03T01:54:08+00:00

Hate to break it to you but I seriously doubt you have any shot at beginning the healing process until you’re living separately. Focus on getting that done asap but obviously don’t do anything to jeopardize your custody or financial situation in the process. Once that’s done it will get easier day by day.

jefflac84 · 2023-04-02T16:42:49+00:00

Same with me, just be strong and think about starting over. Be calm, do more BJJ, do some yoga, probably pick a new hobby like ballroom, salsa.

wisstinks4 · 2023-04-02T17:35:38+00:00

Was dating one of the key tenants of your separation agreement? If not, it should have been. Is it worth it for you to go back to your lawyer and change the separation agreement? If it were me, I would’ve written in some thing along the lines of no dating other people until the divorce is finalized.

Feeling bad for you. She is rubbing her supposed freedom in your face. You can turn the other cheek and be the bigger person or when it’s your turn, go hiking and camping and have fun and do your own thing.

Jigglytep · 2023-04-02T19:15:41+00:00

It does. If you want to speed things along and can handle the pain; help her. Offer to watch the kids on her weekends so she can go out.

This will keep her from improving herself,( saving money, improving career etc…). At the same time it will make your custody 55/45 in your favor, you can then ask for child support and exercise additional leverage.

Seems to me you were the leveling agent in her life. Let the chaos consume her.

Fair warning it will hurt your kids bc they miss mom and you will feel pity if you have empathy.

Good luck

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-04-02T20:03:18+00:00

I know it's difficult to not be bothered, especially with cohabitation such as it is. And as long as these arrangements exist you'll be biting your lip constantly. The alone time in bed can be better spent reading.

Accomplished_Shoe_31 · 2023-04-02T21:30:52+00:00

My wife is doing the same we separated in September after moving where she wanted. Gave up my job missed my sister’s funeral cause we just had to move to “focus on our marriage.” Three weeks later she “needs space.” Turns out she was seeing other people and a month after she says she wants a divorce. That same week she’s dating someone twice her age and everything I’ve been asking from her that she wouldn’t give me because “I’m not that kind of person” she’s doing for him. I have no clue if it gets better? Easier? It honestly kills me every day.

sixtysixpixistix · 2023-04-02T22:59:09+00:00

The story she weaves will ameliorate her guilt. In it, she's the victim. She'll surround herself with mewling men, catty women, and therapists who will all reaffirm her victim status.

2023-04-03T05:08:49+00:00

I recently posted exactly the same thing with a different account, unfortunately I didn’t get as many replies but glad that you did.

I’m in a similar situation, wife asked for divorce about 4 - 5 months ago. I had just gotten a new job and was going through so much stress trying to figure stuff out and she hits me with it. Months before I had already seen some messages that she sent to a dude that she used to work with 8+ years ago, about how she felt trapped, that she would leave but she didn’t have the means and that she should’ve tried to make it work with him back in the day, all that shit. I let it slide because I ain’t no saint either, but I knew it was the beginning of the end. When our kid (now 5) started school full time, she couldn’t wait to get a job so she could “contribute with bills”. Soon after that she got the job she asked me for divorce a second time, this time I knew she probably had a dude setup or something so I agreed and signed the papers.

A couple of weeks before that I started working out more seriously, just to be able to cope with life honestly. Soon after we signed the papers she started being on her phone 24/7, acting sketchy af, until one day I heard his fucking voice over the speaker. She was in the restroom sending him pictures and well, I can imagine what else went down, made me sick to my fucking stomach. By this time I already slept in our kids room, I just went in to get some of my gym clothes and stumbled upon that.

The next day I told her I didn’t mind paying for bills until our lease was up (3 more months), but that was before I knew she had a boyfriend, now I wanted everything to be 50/50, because fuck that. So we’ve been doing that for the last month and she felt more entitled after that, I would hear her talking on the phone on speaker with that douchebag, phone sex and shit until I approached her and told her that if she ever had an ounce of respect for me she would take that shit elsewhere or at least you know, try to keep it on the DL. She got mad and said she didn’t owe shit and now she was paying for half of things. She takes off 2+ hours every night, makes me sick to think about it, but it is what it is.

I work out at least twice a day, sometimes 3 or 4 depending on the day just to keep my rage in check, it’s been rough as fuck and I can’t wait for this to be over and move on. She used to be so sweet and caring and just to see what she has become makes me sad & angry.

Sorry to rant on your post but it felt good to know there’s more men out there going trough something similar and working on themselves. Maybe after all is said and then we’ll meet more men like us in real life and laugh about the old days and how much life has improved since then.

Good luck dude, see you on the other side.

fishingforthought · 2023-04-03T14:52:20+00:00

“Tell me it comes back around” . Yes it will! But it will take time . Use this time to your advantage. Create a master plan and a back up plan for yourself and the children. Day to day living is slow and then you look up and years have passed. This is when you see “it came back around “. This is when you are in a better place and the X is not. Best of luck to you brother.

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-04-03T16:20:45+00:00

This will turn around when you want it to, and do the work necessary.

This story reminds me of my own. We decided to divorce, and within days I saw charges come through for dating apps and she was spending the night at another man’s house. We lived together for nearly 4 months as we worked through the divorce. It was a difficult time of life, but it did eventually end.

But whether or not this bothered me was entirely up to me and me alone. I couldn’t stop her from doing whatever and didn’t want to.

You’re up in your own head but you don’t have to stay that way. You’re doing some of the right things. Working out, adjusting your job schedule, fighting for 50/50 custody. I would add one more thing to your plate: therapy. Find someone to talk through these feeling with. Find a way to drop your anger.

Life will be so much easier for everyone, but especially you, when you’re able to see her moving on and be happy for her instead of hoping anything will “bite her”. Living your life that way is ugly and toxic. Therapy will help you learn ways to wish her well. It is a better, easier life.

Happy-N-Healthy777 · 2023-04-04T01:21:10+00:00

It comes back around.

Error-Original · 2023-04-20T17:15:36+00:00

Yup Im leaning on bjj as well. It gets better, but hearing that doesnt help.

Title	Tell me it comes back around
Author	SadDivorceName
Upvotes	40
Comments	43
Date	April 2, 2023 3:10 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/129o1au/tell_me_it_comes_back_around/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/tell-me-it-comes-back-around.1207104 https://theredarchive.com/post/1207104

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