The hardest part

Hippy667 · 2024-10-27T21:52:42+00:00

The hardest part is the realisation that after 20 years, she is now a stranger. We're going through it all in a very business like manner. There's no emotional talk, no checking in on each other. Just discussions about the kids and the practicalities of the divorce. It's like interacting with a new neighbour or something. She would be the person I would go to with my troubles and woes. I can't do that anymore.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-10-27T10:59:36+00:00

The hardest part for me is thinking how this affects my kids moving forward. The fact that she put herself above everything including them.

HalfTheMan611 · 2024-10-27T09:58:53+00:00

For me, the hardest part has changed. It took me three years to intensely grieve the loss of the life and relationship I committed to (ex wife walked away), my traditional family which gave me the deepest sense of purpose in my life up to that point, and what that might have meant to my children's happiness and wellbeing, what was meant to be their time of safety and togetherness. But, over that time, we have settled into a new normal (respectfully co-parent well), the kids are doing great, and I have learned to cherish the time I have for myself now and what this has allowed by way of redefining who I am and what I want to do with my life. What is hardest now is not being in a relationship and not having intimacy, something that has been missing for almost five years. I feel a deep sense of something missing and it hurts. I am doing all I can on the apps (OLD) but after about a year have not really had much of any luck at all. Always did very well with women in my earlier days pre marriage but can't help but think my time has passed (49 now) and that's hard to come to terms with. Hopefully it's just negative thinking and someone is just around the corner, but I'm finding this the new hardest part.

keencone · 2024-10-27T04:12:56+00:00

The nonstop financial ass-rape and navigating a for-profit system that is rooted in inequality.

Seoul-Brotha · 2024-10-27T01:28:52+00:00

I'm not divorced but I'm leaning that way. I also have two grown sons from an ex and our parenting time was similar to yours. Your kids sound like they are at or getting to the age that they would want less of parents anyway. They sound really busy too. But, you still need to show them that you are there for them when they do need you. You need to get your things in order to be there when they do need you. Get your mind right. Get YOUR life going. The kids will always be there and they will adapt just fine.

albmoro · 2024-10-26T23:15:03+00:00

For me, the hardest part is the distance from my only son, who fully supports his mother. I betrayed her for a few years, but after he found out about what happened, he became terribly upset. I haven’t seen him for five months, which is incredibly painful for me.

I have hope that one day our relationship will normalize, and that he will understand that I betrayed her and not him, and I will always be here waiting with an open heart. But I know this might take a long time, and right now, I’m trying to process this reality.

I also miss her family environment; she has a family with five siblings, many nieces and nephews, and already four grandchildren. Every Christmas was a big family celebration. This Christmas in 2024 will be the first one I will spend completely alone.

In any case, I am aware that this is a new phase opening up for me. I’ve received compliments from other people saying I look better than before, I'm going out to sports six out of seven days a week, I’m taking care of my health, and next Monday, I’m getting a tattoo on my forearm saying “My Strength is Within Me”. She was always very prejudiced against tattoos. For me, this is very symbolic.

I think this is one of the hardest moments I’ve ever gone through in my life, but I’m certain (nowadays) that I will get through it.

You can’t reach the other side of a stream without jumping over all its stones.

Brilliant_Lime_3105 · 2024-10-26T22:13:48+00:00

that's because she already replaced you, look you're a buffoon man but women just wake up one day and want something new... that's how I met my wife, I deeply regret having accepted that but this is not your fault, she In 3 or 6 months out of nowhere he will present "the new one" and try to make up everything....

You focus on your children, she is already dead for you, the woman you knew is already dead and what remains is the woman who ALWAYS WAS just that you never realized.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-10-26T21:30:23+00:00

The hardest part for me is just not getting to be involved in my kids' lives on a daily basis. I don't even feel like I get to be a father to them. I'm tired of people telling me to "be the best dad you can be". I get 3 hours with them every Tuesday and have an overnight every Thursday, but my oldest 3 are often busy with sports or other activities. Plus, Thursday is a school night, so I want them to get to bed at a reasonable time. Then I have them every other weekend. That's not enough time to truly be an involved parent.

To compound why that is hard is the fact that I truly don't understand why my stbxw is, after 20 years, divorcing me. I haven't been a perfect husband and father, but I've been a pretty damn good one. I was always home and involved in our children's lives, I helped around the house (as much as she would let me ... she'd often just say she'd rather do things herself because of how particular she is), finances were always in order (and I'd barely ever spend money on myself), no addictions, no cheating, no abuse. Nice home in a desirable area of the city. I spent 20 years building a nice life for our family, and then I simply got discarded. She's getting the house. She has the kids the lion's share of the time. She's taking half my money. Oh, and she doesn't even have to pay her legal fees ... she has a rich family member doing that for her. My world gets flipped completely upside down, and she just gets to go own with life as usual.

She absolutely refuses to talk to me, at all. It makes no sense. So, it's totally awkward to be around her, or anywhere close to her. I end up sitting alone, often with the opposing team's fans, at our kids' sporting events while she's yucking it up with the players' parents who I used to be friends with.

It's literally as though she stole my entire life away from me.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-10-26T17:17:18+00:00

The hardest for me was creating new experiences with a blank canvass. Whether it was romantic vacations or kids activities or simply how we did holidays. What we did were foundations for what we would do next. So the new life meant- how do I do Christmas or what does vacation look like, or wanting to go somewhere with no one to go with.

It just takes time to build it back up.

Feveronthe · 2024-10-26T17:04:32+00:00

just got to hang in there and take it one step at a time. Work out. Read. Watch movies, anything to keep your mind off being alone. It does get better over time. Big believer in therapy

l3landgaunt · 2024-10-26T17:04:25+00:00

Hardest part for me is seeing her treat the children the same way she’s treated me now. We’re doing 70/30 custody right now with me at 70. I spent most nights reassuring my children that their mother really does love them, even though I’m not sure if she really does. My youngest who is five keeps talking about how “mommy is breaking up with me”. Breaks my heart what she’s doing to these kids. At this point, she only uses them for social media props.

frankgeib07 · 2024-10-26T15:17:12+00:00

Hardest part for me is she filed and is the one dragging her feet. Like she wanted a divorce I gave it to her and now I'm the one who's waiting to finalize it but it's always one issue after the other.

Dramatic-Ad7192 · 2024-10-26T14:55:35+00:00

Hardest part was accepting that she had changed from who she was before the marriage

captainchippsixx · 2024-10-26T13:36:05+00:00

Just so you know- it can be amicable and then become a dumpster fire in a second. Listen to your gut. Look at her actions. Pay attention to the words she uses. Keep tabs /alerts on all accounts - including credit card. Usually they will tip their hand if they are going to turn it in to a shit show. Most guys are blindsided because they have work and kids your worries about. They miss the clues when dealing with the soon to be ex, even if in the same house.

Does she work? Is there a large income disparity? If she doesn’t work, I would certainly be prepared for her to look at the money grab/increased spending. She will want to protect her way of life if not working. Same with large disparity.. if incomes are close she will focus on getting primary custody so she gets the child support. You each have to have household but with say 2 kids you maybe be giving her $1200 a month and she will not pay taxes on it.

ninjaxams4 · 2024-10-26T13:12:17+00:00

I feel this 100%. I can let go of her, she already had an affair, but the loss of my family is killing me. Its very difficult for men because of how we are wired, we find comfort and happiness being part of a group. Women don’t think like this.

Best you can do for yourself is just recognize things are going to be different and you will adjust and get through it just like every other shitty situation you have been dealt in life.

pottsyOSL · 2024-10-26T12:16:22+00:00

It’s up to you (and her) if you wanna share those moments or not. I’ve no illusions and it drives me nuts being around my STBX but I accept being together as a “family” for important events. Yeah it’s not the same but the kids are happier and that’s what matters to me - and based on family being all you ever wanted I guess that applies to you.

I have a similar situation as you. The divorce is as ‘easy’ as it could be. But don’t let that fool you into anything. It’ll get harder at points and you might think you can go back - nope. It’s your job now to be a good father and if that means suffering your ex for those little moments or seeing her far more often than you want then bite you tongue, get on with it, work on yourself and in time you (and I) have to hope it gets easier.

Title	The hardest part
Author	bennyl23
Upvotes	30
Comments	34
Date	October 26, 2024 12:05 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gcjjoy/the_hardest_part/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-hardest-part.1534100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534100

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