What is it with perimenopause?

Borntadoodishes · 2025-10-13T10:38:20+00:00

I will never marry again, the culture is too toxic. I do believe its the internet that has been the divisive force in our lives.

I don't have a problem with equal pay and equal rights etc but I do have a problem being blamed and shit on constantly for everything as a man. And everywhere I turn I see men being bashed. I don't even want to date because of the attitude I see.

My ex resented me before menopause but once she hit peri it was game over. They are all about feelings, and how can we compete with social media, guys all over the internet reaching out to them, a culture of men bashing and resentment of men, women gassing themselves up, etc.

She told me she was done and met a guy thousands of miles away. The "perfect" guy. For now I assume.

relationship_mech · 2025-10-17T09:31:01+00:00

Man, what you’re describing hits home for a lot of guys in this stage of life — that sense of “how did we go from building together to her just being… done?” You’re right: it’s like they wake up one day and flip a switch, but the truth is, that switch was being wired quietly for a while.

What you’re seeing — the withdrawal, the irritation, the “I resent you” — is often less about a single fight and more about identity rupture. Midlife, hormones, and social media can turn into a perfect cocktail of restlessness. When someone feels trapped between who they were and who they’re becoming, they rewrite the story to make escape feel justified.

The hardest part for you right now is the whiplash. You were still building; she was already revising. That mismatch leaves you feeling crazy — but it’s not madness, it’s grief. You’re mourning the version of her (and the marriage) that no longer exists.

A few things that help men steady themselves after this kind of collapse:
• Stop taking her transformation personally. Whatever hormones or apps or career awakenings are in play — they amplified discontent that was already brewing. It’s her process to navigate now, not yours to fix.
• Anchor to structure. Daily routine, workouts, meals, time outdoors. It sounds basic, but your nervous system needs predictability while your life resets.
• Rebuild your reflection. The relationship became a mirror that distorted your value. Reconnect to the man you are outside of her perception — through purpose, challenge, and brotherhood.
• Stay out of the “I can change” loop. That’s not love talking — that’s fear trying to regain control. The version of you that pleads isn’t the one that will attract peace or power back into your life.

You did give it a great shot. You showed up, you stayed present, and you didn’t hide. That’s all anyone can do. The rest — her choices, her timing, her story — that’s not yours to carry anymore.

If you ever want to unpack how to rebuild after being blindsided like this — how to use the collapse as the catalyst for the next version of you — I’ve got a step-by-step process I’ve walked other men through in this exact season. Happy to share if it’d help. Either way, you’re doing better than you think. The calm you’re feeling between the heartbreaks? That’s the start of you coming back online my man 💪

Thick_Supermarket981 · 2025-10-16T04:58:42+00:00

Hormons are, mathematically speaking, a multiplying factor for a person’s character, whether female or male. Hormonal changes merely amplify and highlight traits that already exist, even if they were previously implicit.

ng_rddt · 2025-10-14T20:58:45+00:00

Social contagion is a real issue. Here is some research to support it in regards to divorce: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708

ng_rddt · 2025-10-14T20:58:23+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this a second time. In regards to your second marriage, did you have a prenup? If so, Just curious if it has been helpful.

Badwater134 · 2025-10-14T01:24:47+00:00

Perimenopause in early 40s; at age 43 lost her mom; became a social media-addicted, depressed alcoholic, cheating with colleagues, joint 'friends' of ours, and any guy that glanced at her. From highly-educated, well-respected professional and my super fit, adrenaline junkie adventure partner of 19+ years to taking her own life at age 45 in the span of a few years. Still doesn't seem real.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-10-14T00:37:58+00:00

Mine hit perimenopause at 45, lost her Dad to cancer, and felt like the remedy was to be a hoe a fuck guys in parking lots.

Articulate_idiot · 2025-10-13T21:51:55+00:00

Embedded in TikTok is a validation algorithm devised by an evil genius. It is insidious and malevolent and ever so subtle, but it exists. Oh man does it exist. It is a ravenous beast that feeds on the amalgamation of depravity, the most nuanced insecurities, and is adorned with the irresistibly ripe cherry of entitlement. Traits ubiquitously threaded throughout the fabric of our humanity, waiting to be exploited, but for what gain? That’s what we must question, not necessarily in others, but within ourselves. Why are we allowing this to go on? The clever promulgators of moral decay, disguised as arbiters of wisdom, would have us believe that the evolution of our kind lies in blindly embracing all such forms technological distraction. Those of us who are truly courageous, who possess genuine perspicacity, must steadfastly and collectively raise up the unimpeachable banner of dissidence by exposing the irrefutable truth to those who have ears to hear the message. If not, inexorably, the beast will and must continue to feed, and will not be sated until the moral fabric of society degenerates in us to the point in which we resemble a nihilistic miasma of lemmings.

Empress1978 · 2025-10-13T21:36:24+00:00

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through, but you’re def not alone. I’m sure you saw my past from last week and I myself am just a year out from my own divorce and craziness, much of which is similar to lots of other men. The social media thing is infuriating and all men become the villain for one reason or another, despite being good or bad or somewhere in between. I tried so much … as it seems you did. I wish I coulda been to therapy earlier and cut it off sooner for both our sakes.

thegreatcerebral · 2025-10-13T19:13:23+00:00

It is 100% TT and Social Media.

All these women get super validation from other single women with the whole "you deserve better" mantra along with "the grass is greener" it's vile.

Women still don't get it that the cause of so much drama in their lives is literally other women.

New-Coyote7660 · 2025-10-13T18:57:27+00:00

The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women. The vast majority of those women are in menopause years. Its easy to see the problem

kellyjj1919 · 2025-10-13T18:27:47+00:00

My ex, behavior severely changed @45. She went completely off the rails. And I was the villain

zauriel1980 · 2025-10-13T18:21:56+00:00

So crazy how many similar stories we all have. But yeah, mine was the same. Perimenopause and lots of social media consumption (specifically TikTok). Told me she hadn’t loved me for the last 3 years (correlating to around 1 year after the birth of our son). Found out afterward that she’d been emotionally cheating (at least) with an ex-coworker. Everyone can blame it on hormones, but just like with alcohol, it’s nothing more than an excuse to explain away horrible behavior.

Frito_P3ndejo · 2025-10-13T17:31:15+00:00

So me and mine went through BRCA testing ….double mastectomy ….hysterectomy….menopause….hormone therapy…gastric sleeve for weight loss …but I’m not the co-victim in this roller coaster apparently none off this had an effect on me just her. Stuck by her …cared for her …supportive of her …I’m no saint either I’m not perfect sure I missed something just as she did, but Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde …narcissistic traits cropped up, hive mind social media…same story others post on here. No credit for being steadfast and reliable. We just filed so the end is on the horizon….being good with myself and whole again is a good place to be. I don’t have to carry guilt that I failed because I tried, I asked for a reset, she said no. I asked for counseling she declined. Takes strength to make an effort….weakness is her giving up. Like someone just said when they’re done they’re done. But better to be out of the toxic loop than in. Besides I miss boobs!

Legitimate-Corgi · 2025-10-13T14:47:24+00:00

It’s definitely a good group in here. It’s amazing how many follow almost identical storylines

ClippedWinng · 2025-10-13T12:50:48+00:00

Reading these stories makes me feel not alone. Especially when it echoes what I'm going through.

It seemed like we were good. Everyone I've told that my wife filed has been in shock and can't believe it. Talking with a relative, she told me something that helped me process, "it didnt come out of no where, you were just the last to know." Then the red flags filled my brain. I've been working out and going to therapy but she is still in my head. I have a lot of resentment. I just had to give myself a pep talk the other day. "She's not my problem anymore, be happy someone else will have to deal with that"

Brave-Swordfish9748 · 2025-10-13T12:41:47+00:00

Interesting to hear all the same comments about social media increase with the peri. It is happening to my possible future ex and I didn’t know it was a common issue.

Khancap123 · 2025-10-13T12:28:17+00:00

Idk if it was odd, but my ex basically started sleeping with everyone. I mean if her affair partners all got together, they'd have to rent a bus.

Now my ex had a dark history and went through all this in her late 30s.

Witty_Pin7210 · 2025-10-13T12:12:43+00:00

Yep it’s the Perry we called it, just seems to change their way of thinking and they think finding themselves will make them happier, they are all over algorithms but miss all of the divorce regret vids and posts. How they would be better and happier if they just worked on themselves and their family

denverdave23 · 2025-10-13T10:58:04+00:00

My (53m) wife (49f) started perimenopause at the start of the summer. She left me in mid-september. We went from happy to not talking to split up in 3 awful months. I was a good husband but she didn't want to "have to hide her emotions any longer".

If you look through my post history, you can see the support this community gave me.

It took a few weeks, but I'm in a really good place now. I've got a chick I'm banging who's more than happy to pick up what my ex put down. And, another date on Tuesday with a woman who's into me. I'm hanging out with friends, working out, feeling good.

It gets better. Splitting the money sucks, and that constant feeling of something being missing. But, it's worth it. You can get through this and come out as that guy you always wanted to be.

GoldenHour2929 · 2025-10-13T10:01:03+00:00

Perimenopause essentially ended my marriage, I feel for you. Very similar story, both on 2nd marriage, married about 7 years, very good marriage, not perfect. Once the hormones came, she couldn't deal with any stress, no sex drive and her addiction was some game on her phone. I basically became disposable, she told me we're done on a Monday and had found an apartment by the end of that week. This was 5/6 months ago. She's a completely different person than the person I knew and was married to, it's crazy. It sucks, there will be some tough days. Best advice I can give is take care of yourself, get whatever form of exercise works for you, eat well, reach out to friends & family, ease off the alcohol, try new hobbies, put yourself out there. Therapy helps if that's your thing. Life goes on and It does get better and there is life on the other side, I'm just seeing that now.

Consistent-Cry-9452 · 2025-10-13T09:50:59+00:00

I am about to re-marry, i will pren up everything in my possession.

i can handle a broken heart for a bit but will never financially dig out of a deep hole anymore, done it once never again.

Dont feel to sorry, she is lost, she was broken to start with, you most likely ignored red flags and tried to fix her. I am in a similar boat, but not living together yet nor married yet.

Woman and instant gratification is the same as for men and online porn, addictive.

The mindless scrolling/socialmedia whoring, is just something for all woman even the moderate religious ones, only the ones that are complete absent of a mobile phone are safe from it, but that also means you will have to live a ultra religious lifestyle.

I just do what i want and keep living my life she can join me or she can jump ship, it does not effect my direction.

pbuddy4humanity · 2025-10-13T09:45:14+00:00

I wanted to give you a little bit of love here. You are definitely not alone. Out of the blue, my wife basically said that she loved me, but she is not in love with me anymore. The reasons that she came up with were really, really stupid. Looking back there was no logic in it. She said that I never saved money, even though we had over $40,000 in our checking account for a rainy day (way higher than the national average). I also put 21% of my paycheck into 401(k). On top of that our financial planner had us on track for having over 2 million by the time we were 62.

All of this to say, when they are done, they are done.

Were there signs that I missed? Absolutely. But in reality, it takes two people to communicate each other’s needs. If one person isn’t hearing them, maybe the other person isn’t doing a good job communicating on their end?

I’ll also say, in the final year when we were doing everything possible to figure it out… she was also on her phone full-time as you mentioned. She looked like a little child sitting in the corner, always scrolling. She does that at every athletic event that our kids play in. In fact, my son was really mad that she wasn’t watching his game when he looked at her in the stands. A year, later after he called her out on it, and it still hasn’t changed.

ClippedWinng · 2025-10-13T18:01:01+00:00

I'm stuck with her until April. I have the day circled on my calendar already. I dont want to sell the house and give her half until it's finalized. I'm nervous about giving her so much money until it's legally not my problem haha

Title	What is it with perimenopause?
Author	Ok_Key_4309
Upvotes	58
Comments	42
Date	October 13, 2025 9:16 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1o5evhb/what_is_it_with_perimenopause/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-it-with-perimenopause.1564007 https://theredarchive.com/post/1564007

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