Why 50/50

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-06T00:36:15+00:00

Nope you’re fine. You have to keep providing for the kids and yourself. I can’t do it either. I work and commute 60+ hours a week. I do have them for t,w dinners.

malsell · 2024-03-05T21:42:44+00:00

I get it. I have 4 kids (13, 11 and twin 7 year olds). I, thankfully, work from home currently so it gives me more time with them, but between rent, bills, food, I don't have much of anything left over. I have my 13 year old full time and the others are with me 2-3 nights a week.

I used to travel quite a lot for work in the past and I have no clue how I would juggle that and the kids

realvvk · 2024-03-05T15:09:38+00:00

You are assuming the mother is safe for the children. But I get what you are saying. If the mother does not have bpd or npd, that makes sense.

Snowbirdy · 2024-03-05T05:41:29+00:00

The only way I could afford to meet the ultra high child support payments and offset the massive amount of debt that my ex-wife accrued was to take a job 4 1/2 hours and two states away from them. I ended up seeing them about a third of the year in total when you add up all the school holidays and summer vacations. We made it work for 12 years.

My oldest now is heading off to college, and is suddenly appreciative of the fact that because of my work they can go to any college in the USA and graduate free of debt. Their friends are having to make very hard choices about school because of money.

berzerker5000 · 2024-03-05T05:09:51+00:00

I moved 1000 miles away because I got a huge career opportunity just in time to start my life over after my exw ruined my reputation in our small town. I have 3 girls 4,6,8 and their mother has done her best to brainwash them into considering her the primary parent. That was a big problem in our marriage as well, but I digress. Two are big daddy’s girls and the older one (also 8) is all about mom and complains about seeing me but then she has fun when she is with me, yet when mom asks her she acts like it was a living hell. Funny how she shows loyalty to her mom. Their mom interrogates them after our visits and probably has CPS on speed dial to see what 4 year old stories she can spin into a child abuse claim. Ex is so toxic which is another reason I can’t be near her and coparent from down the block.

I see them one weekend a month, spring breaks, summers (42 days) and split holidays. So I fly to see them and we go stay in a hotel or Airbnb and do fun stuff. I’m about to go get them and bring them back to Florida for spring break. When I don’t have them, I’m working on my career and on me and having fun. I am starting over. I could not be happy over in the Midwest so I came to the beach in bikini land. These guys saying “it’s not about you it’s about sacrificing for your kids” well that is very heroic and I guess I’m not as good as a man or a father as them. But who gives a shit there is no right or wrong way to be a divorced dad as long as you stay a dad as best you can. I couldn’t pick them up from school either with my job. She has her parents in town to help with all that. Mine are 2000 miles away. How convenient for her. Oh well, I did not ask for the divorce and am not willing to live in hell as a shell of a man for the privelege of picking them up from school. I do my best to show I love them and talk to them as much as I can.

So can I be perfectly honest with you cuz this is going to be an unpopular thing to say. I actually like getting them in small doses rather than all the time like before. Cuz like you said man, kids can drive you crazy. Before marriage, I didn’t even like kids lol. I love my kids now ofc and think about them all the time, but being a parent was never my thing. Like I did it out of a sense of duty and enjoyed it enough but it always drove me mad. For some guys like all these 50/50 guys it is the only thing in the universe that matters. That’s a different breed of dude and I am not that. I am way more self-centered. Your serial careerist. I take after my parents who worked all the time and acted like they were always annoyed with me lol, yet I made it. I got married because I knew my exw was gonna be the stay at home mom so I could work. That was our deal but then she tried to control me and turn me into a submissive yes man, so it didn’t work out. Now I am free to go knock up some younger broad. Genghis Khan style, on to the next haha.

NilEntity · 2024-03-05T04:57:42+00:00

I can't see my daughter every day anymore due to the divorce, so 50/50 is the next best thing. I want to have as much time with her as I can, which realistically is 50/50. I wouldn't want to reduce her time with her mother either (not like that's an option).
I don't see eye to eye with the ex on a number of things but she's still her mother, even if I'm still angry with her and not happy with a number of decisions she makes (some also regarding our daughter).
Also, I couldn't do more than 50/50 work-wise, it's hard enough to manage that while working 40-hour weeks.

But less than 50/50 would have been terrible, would also definitely worsened my depression after divorce, would have making through the whole thing harder.
On the one hand, I still get to see my little sunshine (yeah, corny, whatever) almost every day, on the other hand I couldn't let myself fall apart either because of her, had to concentrate on keeping my shit together, getting through it. Definitely don't want to be a father who only sees his child every second weekend or whatever.

Honestly, child support didn't even come up regarding 50/50 in my thought process, that's just a nice side effect. I still pay child support (not a ton though), because my ex earns a decent amount less than me (also works less, been part-time for years).

upvotersfortruth · 2024-03-05T04:35:05+00:00

Not trying to be cynical, but 50/50 is typically a cost saving measure regarding child support. Breadwinners with full time jobs can rarely do 50/50 without significant help. If you're luck enough to have grandma and grandpa around, it works great.

Thebadmamajama · 2024-03-05T03:58:45+00:00

I didn't fall for that either. Love my kids, and see them biweekly, and about 35% of the year. I can't sustain my career otherwise, which unironically pays for their lifestyle.

So what's right for you is different. Be a positive force in your kids lives, however often you have them

watermelonstrong · 2024-03-05T02:02:47+00:00

Ive had to move 50 mins drive away to live (in my dad's house) I have them every second weekend, but I can't do 50/50 - I can't get them to school in the morning and home in the afternoon with their school and juggle my job

It's easy for her, the school is 3 mins drive away.

So yeah I concur. I see the 50/50 mentioned a lot but sometimes the logistics just don't add up.

If I lived around the corner I would do 50/50 but I need to try get back in to the housing market and may take me 10+years before I have a place of my own again at this rate. By then the kids will all be teenagers. Oh well

insurety · 2024-03-05T01:02:38+00:00

It really depends on their age, what your income is, where you choose to live, etc.

I have one day a week + 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends each month, and 30 days in the summer. Doing the math, this comes out to 43%.

It lets me keep working and earning to buy their cars, pay for their college education, and afford nice things. It gives me the time to keep my house clean and organized without having to take care of them every day for a week, so it’s spotless every time they visit. Mom doesn’t get enough time off, and has so much backstopped she often doesn’t even get to it over the weekends she’s free.

It lets me take them on cool trips and have experiences together, making our time together high quality.

It lets me make choices around our meals that make convenience a choice over budget.

My kids are not teens yet, but old enough to call / text and stay in communication each day. And my house is a 5 minute bike ride from their mom’s, so I am never really away.

Their mom works from home and has basically no time to herself except the weekends. I pay her max schedule in child support, but it’s still cheaper than paying for child care. Overall it seems like a solid deal for me.

My kids know I love them and support them no matter what. I think that is the most important thing.

richreason1983 · 2024-03-05T00:17:41+00:00

I grew up without a father and all I wanted as a kid was a dad... the thought of having a cool guy who wanted to teach me sports and how to be a man and about life was my dream and I never got that. So now as a father of three kids being present every moment I can of their life is the most important thing in the world to me. I literally moved to another country and got a new career just to be there for them. You made them you're responsible for them. And now my teenagers respect me 100x more then their mom because they know it's a sacrifice but I am always there for them. I make sure the house is clean I cook a proper lunch for them and we sit down every day as a family to eat. They need me and me being there has helped them so much to become better people. And it's also helped keep their mom accountable as well, she knows that the standard has been set.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-03-04T23:48:18+00:00

No judgment either way, but once kids hit those teen years, they don't want to hang out with you. By the time they are 18, you have already spent 75% of your time with them. The other 25% are the few times a year you see them on holidays, etc. You can't get time back.

Flapique · 2024-03-04T23:37:10+00:00

Not everyone has the same priorities I guess. But if you do willingly give up custody you're going to have to pay more child support.

azwildcat74 · 2024-03-04T23:11:55+00:00

Children with present and available fathers have statistically MUCH better outcomes than those raised solely by their mothers. Personally I can’t understand consciously bringing kids into the world with no desire to be half of their upbringing, but that’s just me. 50/50 was my hill to die on and I was willing to burn every asset I had to get it if that was what it took, and that was with a job that I had to cover 4 states with 24/7 operations that I was in charge of. I took a step back from that because it made me a better dad. If you know you cant handle 50% then by all means go ahead and step away, just don't be mad or surprised when another man steps into your position either, because he will.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-04T22:58:05+00:00

Not all dads are up to the 50/50. Being realistic with your availability and your stamina is paramount in figuring out your coparenting schedule. Do what you can do. I had to do 50/50 because I want to see my three kids as much as I could. That's me.... It's your thang, do what you want to do.....50/50 is not for everybody.

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2024-03-04T22:34:41+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-03-04T22:19:52+00:00

Different arrangements work for different people. 50/50 doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean it’s not an interest for others.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-04T22:16:18+00:00

Taking care of kids gets easier as they get older. My boys feel like my friends sometimes as we’re bullshitting around about sports and girls

Reflog1791 · 2024-03-04T21:54:44+00:00

Going against the grain as usual: if every other weekend works best for you then do that.

One of the great men I know had that. His son, my best friend, loves him and respects him. The dude that moved in and played house for 20 years didn’t get invited to my friend’s wedding. He seemed like a decent stepdad to me.

Paying CS is supporting your kids. Ex wife may still call you a deadbeat no matter how much you pay or how much custody you have.

One note with anything less than 50%… ex wife can move the kids anywhere in the world and easily cut all contact. This applies to most jurisdictions in western countries.

jimsmythee · 2024-03-04T21:35:20+00:00

You do what is right and best for you and your situation with your boys.

There are some guys that generally need to have zero contact with their kids.

There are some guys that are good with visitation only.

In my situation? I fought for 50/50 custody of my 2 daughters. So glad I did.

Psychological-Point8 · 2024-03-04T21:30:05+00:00

Yea definitely do every weekend at the bare minimum if you can help it. Yes you can't do it alone and no one expects you too. Gain help from friends and family when you need it but overall just be a good dad to them kiddos

NosePsychological149 · 2024-03-04T21:25:33+00:00

Man. So many of us here are dying to get 50/50. If your ex is as evil as you say, why would you subject your kids to living with her for most of their lives? Being a strong father, securing your kids future should be priority #1

Wise_Serve_3140 · 2024-03-04T21:04:10+00:00

I think you're confused, it isn't what's best for YOU it's what's best for your kids, step it up

warwww · 2024-03-04T20:39:56+00:00

You will miss out on so much of their lives. Moments you won’t get back back.

Don’t let her tossing you away detract from the love you have for your kids. You have to build yourself up.

Title	Why 50/50
Author	Enough_Youth_4564
Upvotes	14
Comments	36
Date	March 4, 2024 8:31 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1b6lb8s/why_5050/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-5050.1426181 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426181

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