I'm 28F, and have really internalised the idea of "The Wall" to the point it's making me unable to enjoy life or do day-to-day tasks or feel motivated. Any support or similar experiences?

lapetasse · 2023-03-06T13:38:51+00:00

First, I want to say that the wall is a myth. I’m 27 and I get much more male attention then 10 years ago. I hardly see how 3 years (without major life change of course) could make such a drastic difference on my looks.

Second, what helped me was a swap of mentality. I adopted a mindset of « why the fuck would I base my self worth on what men think? ». Ironically, that mindset and attitude that comes from it helped me get most men’s respect, and they know they can’t screw me over.

Good luck OP

Academic_Type624 · 2023-03-06T13:44:33+00:00

Stop referring to him as the love of your life for a start. You deserve better than a guy who was chasing a barely legal girl while in a relationship with you. That says more about him than you.

For me, my life began again at 31. I got out of an abusive relationship and found that even at 31 and plus size plenty of men were still attracted to me. I'm now 39 and getting married this year. I don't want kids so that's not a concern but I know lots of women who had kids I their 30s and 40s.

The reason guys say women hit the wall is cause its usually around that age that women stop worrying so much. Again I and my friends agree we've got happier as we're older because we don't care as much what other people think, we are worth more than a pretty face or a hole to fuck.

No_Jelly_6635 · 2023-03-06T13:59:51+00:00

Uuffff I’m going through it too sis I’m 30 myself worst couple of months.

I actually didn’t start talking to guys until 3 years ago? And I get a lot of attention still. Even the guys that say “ you’re expired” are asking me out afterwards. It’s weird.

I’m not gonna lie. I haven’t been able to just waste time like watching tv and going outside without thinking I’m wasting time not finding a partner. I was so content in being alone and now with the negative messaging I feel immense pressure. I’m thinking about travelling and even moving to another country soon.

What’s helping me is going to therapy, journaling all my fears, and deleting social media to pressures me. Otherwise I know I will settle for the wrong person/ relationship and that could potentially hurt me. I come from a line of severe abuse so I have to be careful not to succumb to BS so I don’t repeat a cycle.

Find some hobbies, go outside, meet people. Volunteer. Gain new skills. We are still very young and healthy that’s what matters. And honestly not a lot of people get the privilege of living this long so we have to be grateful.

There are people dying on the other side of the planet and losing family members. What are we worried about? Not being attractive to 99% of men? It’s honestly stupid because you only need 1.

So just focus on yourself and happiness and put yourself out there and be ok with rejection. And be as happy as you can. Not evryone has the privileges we have to go outside, date and get rejected and get back out again. We should feel blessed honestly.

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-03-06T15:02:15+00:00

Hey. 32f here. I had the same mindset and fear that I could be left behind. Or undesirable and should accept table scraps.

It's not as dramatic as the red pill bros make it seem. If anything the concept of "the wall" is male copium. That somehow with all of our accomplishments and things that we have built from ourselves and giving ourselves a quality of life we somehow should be punished for not giving mediocre man a shot so we will become dust and left behind and our ovaries breasts and skin will shrivel when the clock hits 30. It doesn't work that way. I think honestly my dating life has been better at 30 vs 20s. Most men despite what Red pill may say will go for a woman roughly the same age as them. It's not that guys our own age will suddenly scoff and walk away. Heck I get an annoying amount of propositions.

I am more self assured and know what I want and need from someone I have things to add to the relationship instead of being just young.

The other thing to look at is why are guys our age looking at younger people? Or is it that women their own age don't want them and they have the emotional maturity of a teaspoon and have to prey on younger women because they won't know any better.

We all will get old and stuff but it's not just a sudden thing. You have a lot of time.

Just remember that.

Think_please · 2023-03-06T15:46:52+00:00

Only desperately insecure men want to seriously date women on their early 20s when they are older. Women in their 30s reach their sexual prime and have the maturity and life experience to have far better relationships than women in their early 20s. The quantity of male attention may go down slightly (but probably not), but the quality of attention will be much, much higher, so just keep working on and enjoying yourself.

xvszero · 2023-03-06T16:51:42+00:00

My wife is 40 and she's the sexiest person alive to me. Am I biased because she is my wife? Probably! But I think that's part of what love IS. These guys who are so focused on having a young piece of meat over anything else... are they even capable of love? Probably not. So steer clear of them. Men who can love exist as well. Find one of those men.

It doesn't help that the love of my life slept with someone a decade younger than me and lied about it

Like, while you were together? I hope you dumped their ass.

Also, I've been with my wife for 13 years, and we still don't believe in this "love of my life" stuff. Yeah, we are each other's person and probably will be until one of us dies. But that doesn't mean there aren't a bunch of other people out there we could also have met and had a good relationship with. You shouldn't get too caught up on a single person as the ONLY person for you in your mind, especially if they are a gross cheater.

what_i_reckon · 2023-03-06T17:01:22+00:00

Someone who cheats on you isn’t the love of your life.

As a 39 year old man I will tell you the absolute truth from my perspective, for whatever it’s worth.

Yes younger women are better looking than older women. HOWEVER, younger women are fucking morons!

A woman approximately my age is infinitely more attractive than a woman 10 to 20 years younger. Attraction, desirability and sensuality are about a whole lot more than youth and looks.

The red pill types will say that an older woman can’t compete with her younger self. This would be true if they were playing the same game. But you’re not playing the same game. You should be using your maturity and wisdom to attract an more mature and experienced man.

Naus1987 · 2023-03-06T12:01:48+00:00

All people hit a wall of sorts eventually. Age and death comes for us all!

The secret to life is finding a way to enjoy the experience and love the moments we do have. No one lives forever, so enjoy the adventure!

If you’re almost 30, then I’m sure you’ve had a lot of fun so far. And if you make it to 60, you’ll have even more experienced ahead. I wouldn’t be afraid. You’re arriving at the half way point. You’re not even there yet. So much time still left!

—-

As for your “love of your life.” Can he really be such a thing if he’s so superficial and shallow he cheated with another woman for looks?

How can you look at this guy and think he’s worth your time?

Find someone who’s more aligned with your soul.

And enjoy life while it lasts. Don’t worry about what “could have he.” Instead find joy in the moments you have and can reach.

slfnflctd · 2023-03-06T15:58:13+00:00

In my experience, most normal, healthy, decent men tend to be attracted to women closer to their own age, at least for long term relationships. There are very obvious reasons for this if you want a partner who values knowledge and wisdom in any way whatsoever.

If all a dude cares about is a certain body type, there is very little meaningful connection happening anyway and they would probably be better off with a sex worker. Not to mention the power imbalance, which is what I think this is really all about. These red pill jackasses just want someone naive they can more easily manipulate. That's not a relationship, it's abuse.

Banestar66 · 2023-03-06T16:23:03+00:00

Men can be attracted to multiple ages. It doesn’t have to be an either/or thing.

Obviously aging matters with both genders. You’re probably not attracted to 100 year old men for the most part. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find men that will be happy with you and only you for decades to come. Your boyfriend’s problem was being a cheater. That’s not “female cope” because plenty of men cheat on 18 year olds with other 18 year olds or cheat on their SOs with someone a bit older.

Anecdotally I am a straight man who is 22 years old and I’m attracted to plenty of women in their 30s and 40s. It’s them who aren’t interested in me.

Hell, if nothing else convinces you, look at how popular MILF is as a porn category and how popular a porn star like Brandi Love is. Porn habits are the one thing that can’t lie.

LucyFurBlack · 2023-03-07T00:09:38+00:00

I am 50 years old and I get plenty of attention from men. Also I have a younger boyfriend, but even when I was single I was completely happy. The wall is bull 💩

JSBelle · 2023-03-07T00:37:41+00:00

The wall is a toxic concept. In truth, many men age terribly and redpill overvalues old men and undervalues older women. 28 is barely out of the gate. Life has many unique stages too.

Truth is, you will likely start to decentralize men from your life as you age and gain experience and confidence. Some men don’t like that. Some men just want to take advantage of naive young women. Those aren’t the ones you want anyway.

You aren’t alone. Many women, myself included, have been affected by these toxic tropes from an online cult. Turn towards you and love yourself.

meangingersnap · 2023-03-06T20:31:40+00:00

You don’t want a man that believes in the wall in the first place. Good riddance to the pseudo pedos

Mean_Mechanic9889 · 2023-03-06T23:10:54+00:00

Being blunt with you. I'm a similar age woman and I feel more attractive at time goes on. I'm a woman not a girl. Girls are cute and woman are beautiful. Many cute girls mature in utterly beautiful woman.

Kim K is more attractive and famous now she's in her 40's than her teens or 20's (classed as the most beautiful woman in the world, only literslly since she hit middle age)

What you're noticing is a confidence issue from actually listening to insecure men.

If you're underconfident it highlights your faults. If your confident in yourself it highlights your good points to other people.

A lot of the most attractive woman in the world are over 30. Please stop letting people drag you down so they feel better about themselves.

P.s a grown man sleeping with an 18yo is fairly gross sounding. A few months earlier and her naked body is classed as underage porn if he took a pic, for a reason. She's barely left childhood. Ask yourself what sortof man your age wants that?

osm0sis · 2023-03-07T03:44:43+00:00

37M here. The whole concept is such bullshit. As I get older I still find women somewhere within my age range to be the most attractive out there. Girls who are in their early 20's look like kids to me and I'm just not into it. I dated a woman 10 years younger than me about 6 months back and just couldn't feel the chemistry despite the fact we hit it off pretty well through text and phone calls before meeting up (and as a side note, the 10 year gap between 27 and 37 is not nearly as significant as 28 and 18 which is super creepy IMHO).

I think a lot of this concept of "the wall" come from the fact the red pill tends to prey upon lonely teenage males who are attracted to women their age (ie. Teenagers).

That said the general rules of attraction still apply: do you look like you take care of yourself? Do I find your personal style appealing? Your attitude and conversational styles?

If you have a gym membership and a therapist I'm probably going to be attracted to you because the work you've put in on yourself is sexy to me.

YianLey · 2023-03-06T14:35:05+00:00

i think the wall is more noticeable if you look at more superficial people... but tbh do you really care about people who only value your looks?

my mentor once told me that you are probably compartible with a habdful of people and whoever we chose to commit to and build something together will become "the one". you dont find the one... you become the one over time with lots of time and effort

i think thats the cruelty of dating.... most people dont really know what they want, so the get the illusion that a lot of people out there are dateable... but some/most people just arent for you the only thing that makes the wall feel more real and pressing is, that the older you get, the higher the probability is that one of your potential matches got snatched away by then but who cares .. it was never easy to find someone you really connect with on a deeper level so it doesnt change a lot

goodboy92 · 2023-03-06T14:41:22+00:00

I like Milfs. Hahahaha but I think the wall is like a name for that phenomenon prevalent in women who have extremely unrealistic expectations.

LeVronYames1 · 2024-04-14T19:56:00+00:00

You have two options:

1) Try to find soon a man of high value who loves you to marry him.

2) Reject completely the idea of a wall as a mysoginist invention.

The choice is yours.

P. S.: even if you consider "the wall" a mysoginistic invention, there's indeed a biological clock on women (their fertility rate rapidly decreases after age 30) and men who want to form a family generally prefer young women for that purpose.

krowland996 · 2023-03-06T20:14:17+00:00

The Wall is the great balancing act of life. Most men have to take the shit early in life, most women take it from 45-death. Just take care of yourself and you’ve still got almost 20 more years until it sets in

AssistTemporary8422 · 2023-03-07T03:22:25+00:00

It doesn't help that the love of my life slept with someone a decade younger than me and lied about it, and it's just seemed to really confirm and bring back all of my anxieties.

The vast majority of men aren't doing that.

Every day I just feel like I am a piece of fruit that is perishing, and moving further away from my peak.

This is just a natural part of aging. We are all becoming old and wrinkley and have to learn to accept that youth is fleeting.

I feel scared that all men are just attracted to much younger women, which I find sort of menacing and scary as I have a history of abuse by older men.

We tend to find young women the most attractive but for most of us a teenager doesn't have the maturity to be a good partner. Also young women are far outside of the league of most older men. Only 5% of women are in their early 20s.

which I find sort of menacing and scary as I have a history of abuse by older men.

Are these partners? If so you might be choosing the wrong kind of men.

PatternEast7185 · 2023-03-06T14:08:04+00:00

as a red-pill dude, i'd even say one of the early ones, i'd like to say that The Wall is absolutely real ... but it's not what you really think it is ... like it or not, it's true that a bubbly 18 year old young woman just explodes with beauty and energy, and this will always be the gold standard ideal from a male perspective when it comes to raw sexual interest ... that said, there is a lot more to attraction and love than just age ... how you make your man feel, how you make him feel about himself, and how you grab his imagination, will all be just as important ... a young woman of 18 years old will likely find it almost impossible to really understand a man 10+ years older than herself, and the personal aspect of a relationship is really the foundation of any relationship that can carry meaning and last ... i don't believe for a second that you are going to have difficulty finding a good man to love you, it's really about what expectations you have ... if you want a superstar, or some guy who is at war with the world and reigning victorious, it's just not realistic to expect him to behave like Brad the Beta who will worship you like you are some kind of Princess ... you have to make choices and compromises about what you want, just like men do

Educational_Ad_9344 · 2023-03-08T06:10:29+00:00

If you are not promiscuous, if you never had one night stands, you shouldn't fear. Eventually, you will have a happy marriage and home. Keep being feminine. I'm sure many guys will choose you with a clean background over a twenty-three-year-old girl with a dirty past, provided you have a clean background, of course. Also, not all men prefer young girls. Some men are attracted to older women, as I do.

Hajimoomoo · 2023-03-06T19:42:26+00:00

I feel so bad for you and the younger girl. She doesn't even know she is part of this cycle.

You are super young imo. It's a common fear to have tho. I can never understand the semi pedophilic obsession with youth. It's legit just a curse.

impressablenomad38 · 2023-03-07T04:09:31+00:00

Honestly just take care of your hair, skin and fitness and dress nicely. People who do those things are attractive regardless of gender

SnooBananas8024 · 2023-03-08T20:34:21+00:00

Women in the US alone are spending 49 billion dollars (In a recession!) a year on cosmetics. A lot of these cosmetics are to make you look younger. Actions speak way louder than words and money talks.

Whether or not you believe the wall to be true women are obsessed with these cosmetic products for a reason.

Secondly, some men will stick their **** in anything. Being able to attract men is not hard. Having a full inbox on dating apps and social media is not hard. Finding a man to be your boyfriend because you give him sex is not hard.

Finding a man of value that's valued by you, your peers, other women and society and getting him to commit to you by marriage while competing against younger more attractive women that's hard.

"The Wall" doesn't imply that all of your options just end once you reach a certain age. It implies that overtime the quality and possibly quantity of your options may decline overtime. However, if your physically gifted, take good care of your body, or have anything else special about you that makes you stand out. You have less to worry about than the average woman.

Generalizations don't apply to everyone. Stereotypes don't apply to everyone. But why would people believe some stereotypes? It's because on average they're based on truth.

Your anxiety is your body telling you that you need to do something. Your depression comes from your lack of action. You have to take charge of your life because it sounds like your capable of finding what you want. Maybe it's time to find someone that values you more than the love of your life?

GirlGazing · 2023-03-12T04:52:39+00:00

Read r/CougarsAndCubs. It’s full of men looking to date older women.

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