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Been seeing this guy for a few weeks and he does meet a lot of my requirements however he watches porn, a few times a month he says he can get it to zero if i don't like it, it does make me uncomfortable though. Idk should i still give him a chance or find someone who didn't watch to begin with?

scummy_dummy

January 12, 2022

101 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s1rv8d/been_seeing_this_guy_for_a_few_weeks_and_he_does/

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Title	Been seeing this guy for a few weeks and he does meet a lot of my requirements however he watches porn, a few times a month he says he can get it to zero if i don't like it, it does make me uncomfortable though. Idk should i still give him a chance or find someone who didn't watch to begin with?
Author	scummy_dummy
Upvotes	101
Comments	49
Date	January 12, 2022 12:11 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s1rv8d/been_seeing_this_guy_for_a_few_weeks_and_he_does/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/been-seeing-this-guy-for-a-few-weeks-and-he-does.1095777 https://theredarchive.com/post/1095777

Comments

[–]academinxFDS Newbie 12 points13 points14 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

FDS has a pretty standard anti-porn policy, and I support and agree with that. I also know that it’s incredibly difficult to find men who don’t watch porn at least on occasion.

Watching porn is morally complex because, for most of the videos people engage with online, it’s practically impossible to verify that the parties involved were actually enthusiastically consenting and not being coerced or threatened.

From a psychology-informed perspective, porn use can certainly alter people’s ideas and beliefs surrounding sex. However, moderate to high porn use is in danger of interrupting partnered sex and normal physical responses when the porn comes before the arousal.

So many people (men especially) decide - without being physically aroused - to masturbate, and then go on a journey to find something appealing online, triggering arousal and eventually an orgasm, both which encode that information within the brain. Considering the multi-faceted and damaging portrayal of women in pornography its no surprise porn can impact partnered sex with real women.

These people have fucked up their arousal responses and trained their bodies and minds to become aroused only in specific circumstances, through this repeated behaviour.

All of this to say that for someone only watching sometimes to be “problem-free” they would need to be ensuring their engagement with porn was 100% ethical, that they were only watching “realistic/healthy” pornography, and only as a response to real-world arousal.

This is a tall order.

It’s ultimately your choice. Don’t be afraid to challenge him on this. The likelihood of him just hiding his use from you is more likely than him stopping. Do you know what kind of porn he watches? Start asking with genuine interest rather than suspicion and see if anything comes up that is a bigger red flag.

[–]Platipus6FDS Disciple 10 points11 points12 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Platipus6FDS Disciple 376 points377 points378 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

Porn use is a deal-breaker.

Men lie about how much they use. Multiply anything they say by ten.

And no, they can't stop using even when they get regular sex. They over-estimate their willpower and their ability to quit an addiction. They just start crying about how you're controlling their sexuality.

Porn is men's first love.

HVM choose not to use on their own. They don't negotiate or put conditions on them quitting. "Ok I'll stop if you don't like it" will be held over your head later as something he did for you, now you have to stop something unreasonable for him (like not seeing your friends as much).

"But babe, I quit porn for you" as if it's a giant favor he can cash in, not an NVM returning to neutral, the bare minimum required to be dateable.

If you're already bargaining with a man before you can date him, he aint it.

Above and beyond, or gtfo.

[–]Ana_jpFDS Newbie 88 points89 points90 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]brylm92FDS Newbie 25 points26 points27 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Platipus6FDS Disciple 7 points8 points9 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ImplementStrongThrowaway Account 86 points87 points88 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Please dump him.

---

I'm currently in a relationship with someone who doesn't watch porn because 1) he understands that it's not respectful to his partner to consume such media while in a monogamous committed relationship and 2) he also understands that the porn industry is rampant with rape, coercion, assault, and basically any other horrendous crime known to humanity. I never "forced" my current partner to quit porn - he knew these things of his own accord without me having to constantly "nag" him about it. HVM do not participate in degenerate behaviors, not because they're trying to "appease" you, but because they actually realize for themselves the difference between good and bad behaviors, and they choose to be a decent man of their own accord.

---

Trust me, I've been there, done that. I know how you feel, and I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did.

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My first ex was a porn user, and he told me to watch porn with him; otherwise, he would just watch it on his own. I was a virgin when I first met him, and I'd just turned 18 - he coerced me into having sex with him when I wasn't mentally prepared. Afterwards, the relationship only became more sexually abusive - he introduced BDSM into the relationship, penetrated me anally without consent, electrocuted me with a shock collar against my will, and pushed for an open relationship because he wanted to watch other men have sex with me in addition to him wanting to have sex with other women.

My next ex seemed nicer on the surface, but the thing about "nice guys" is that, oftentimes, they aren't as great as they first appear. He was an engineer, had decent friends (who didn't party and participate in debauchery like smoking, drinking, drugs, clubbing, and prostitution like my previous ex), regularly kept in touch with his family, and was an active environmentalist. The only "catch" seemed to be that he watched porn, but like you, I thought, "Oh, well, he seems like a good person overall and satisfies my other requirements, so I guess I'll let this slide even if it makes me uncomfortable."

This was a huge mistake, because no matter how many times he said he would quit, he never did. No matter how many times he said it didn't mean anything to him because it "wasn't real," it still decimated my self-esteem (even now, years later, I'm still unhappy with my physical appearance, and as ridiculously stupid as this sounds, I'm still self-conscious about the fact that I don't have the face of a sexualized child with big eyes, long lashes, thin nose, plump lips, and heavy makeup combined with the body of a big-butt, big-boob, small-waisted woman, even though I know that this porn-sick image is based on the male gaze, in addition to being physically unhealthy and realistically unattainable without the help of surgery and photo editing).

---

It's your choice, and I wish you all the best, but this is my solid advice, speaking from personal experience. You've already admitted for yourself that this is something that makes you "uncomfortable" - this is a perfectly valid way to feel, and it's the way that many other women, myself included, also feel with regards to this subject. You might think you feel fine now, but over the months and years of being with him, he won't change just because you told him to - the most likely scenario is that he'll just get better at lying to you about it. He'll say that he quit, but in reality, he's probably just doing it behind your back. I'm not saying that this is an absolute truth, but I honestly can only imagine that this will wear you down mentally, make you emotionally exhausted, and cause some potential damage to your self-esteem and image. Please be careful.

If you don't want your future partner to watch porn, just find a partner who doesn't watch porn from the get go - don't settle for a partner who currently watches it and gives you empty promises that they'll change for you, because 99 times out of 100, they won't.

Be happy with someone who doesn't consume porn, and if that person hasn't walked into your life yet, then please, be patient (good boyfriends and husbands may seem scarce, but it's better to be picky and content in your own solitude, because settling for a loser will only waste years of your life - it's so much better to be alone and satisfied, rather than together with someone who makes you absolutely miserable), and be happy with yourself, by yourself. You are worth so much, and your life isn't worth wasting on a porn-addicted boyfriend.

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

[–]KindredMaximusFDS Newbie 32 points33 points34 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

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