Early warning signs to spot "avoidants" and... avoid them?

missmex · 2021-12-30T15:00:21+00:00

When they’re sick, or emotional, they disappear or they “need time to be alone” and you’re left distraught for days or maybe even weeks. They can’t handle the emotional effects of a relationship.

They won’t have many if any past serious or long relationships. They won’t have many friends. They will chase you more when they feel they are losing you, and when you chase them, they’ll run as well. It might take a while but usually the dopamine jump will wear off and you’ll see the behaviors more readily.

They aren’t consistent in showing you love/attention. They will have serious doubts early on and make up things just to have alone time, but will come back hard if you ignore them too. It’s an unhealthy cycle of neglect.

LadiesOpinion · 2021-12-30T19:40:36+00:00

Feels overwhelmed and suffocated by normal intimacy levels (though they won't communicate this, they'll likely shut down)🚩 Calls themself hard-to-get or difficult-to-read🚩 Will not respond to texts in a timely manner, and will not excuse themselves for extremely late replies🚩 Rarely initiates communication🚩 Doesn't share personal information, or will immediately regret doing so afterwards🚩 Won't compromise on lots of things (over-rigid boundaries)🚩 More comfortable with sex then a deep conversation🚩 Appears to view frequent quality time with you as a gift they're giving you, to the expense of themselves🚩 Relationship doesn't progress unless the other party forces it🚩 Intimidated by or jokes about commitment🚩 Lists generic superficial things when asked why they like you (you're filling a girlfriend shaped hole in their life, there is no 'deep connection')🚩 Silent treatment when overwhelmed🚩 'White lies' or ommitting information to avoid difficult conversations🚩 Can easily emotionally detach during conflict (might make you wait until the weekend to talk things through, leaving you to stew)🚩 Hot-cold behaviour, mixed signals, unclear intentions🚩 Bad at self-reflection or being vulnerable enough for self-improvement🚩Takes you for granted because their mere physical presence is a prize in their view🚩 EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE🚩

Note: a Secure person can act distant at times. However, a Secure person is confident in communicating their needs and boundaries. Whereas an Avoidant will avoid communication and tends to withdraw / shut down.

As a recovering Anxious attached, I'm running as soon as I spot Avoidant behaviour. The most important thing to recognise here is that the Avoidant feels most at ease with a partner at arm's length, because they feel suffocation easily. Whereas the Anxious fears neglect and will thus feel the urge to chase, to receive the affection they crave. This is the anxious-avoidant trap, and it is HELL ON EARTH for Anxious attached folks. So if they step up only after you push them away, that is a 🚩

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-12-30T17:28:31+00:00

I think you can usually get rid of an avoidant with time. Don’t believe that all avoidants live the hermit lifestyle and have no friends as some of the comments here are saying - I met and even unfortunately dated many avoidants who had flourishing careers, had a solid group of male friends, and were close with their family.

In my opinion, the defining attribute of avoidants is love bombing you at the beginning and then pulling away once they have you/realize that you have fallen for them. Sometimes you don’t need to even fall for them, they naturally pull away after dating for a month because going on more than 5 dates is too serious for them and they feel trapped 🙄

My advice would be to keep your guard up and don’t get too attached too quickly. You’ll see their mask fall off within a month.

queeninprogress · 2021-12-30T14:59:27+00:00

Complaining about having no close friends: it's because they push people away, and they'll begin doing the same to you too once you get too close.

At some point they stop having proper conversations that allow you to get to know them better and prefer to send lots of pictures, videos and memes for you to react to.

electroloop · 2021-12-30T13:00:11+00:00

You’re so right about the hot and cold behaviour, and this is quote apparent in texting conversations with these kinds of men.

I feel like there’s a lot of cross over with narcissistic tendencies and avoidants. They’ll love bomb you and chase you in the beginning, and then pull away and start with the hot and cold behaviour. They’ll be unresponsive to your texts but weeks later, they’ll pop out of nowhere and text you like nothing ever happened.

Avoidants have a hard time maintaining friendships as well, so watch out for men who cycle through friendships quickly and try to escape any mess they’ve made by moving away.

If someone is not giving you the attention you deserve and is not consistent with it, leave.

extragouda · 2021-12-30T13:52:28+00:00

It's hard to know, I think. I guess if someone just isn't into you and isn't willing to communicate, you have to move on.

I struggle with getting close to people because in the past, I used to become attached (anxious attachment) and this attracted an abusive narcissist. So now I have over-corrected by being very reserved about my affection, especially in the early stages. It is hard for me to trust people because of my experiences. But it does weed out anyone impatient who is trying to love bomb me. I suppose some people might call this "avoidant".

SearchLightsInc · 2021-12-30T14:33:56+00:00

I just recently discovered the description of "avoidant attatchment" and while I understand attachment theory is to be taken with a grain of salt

Attachment theory is well established and proven. While I respect and appreciate there are certain types of people you want to avoid I need to reiterate that attachment can change so long as the person with the disorder is willing to work at it - But in order for them to do that they must recognise there attachment issues and gain an opportunity to work on it in practice and not just theory.

That's all I really have to comment on this.

brylm92 · 2021-12-30T15:34:49+00:00

Excessive escapism through video games, social media, dating apps, porn. Bonus points for rpgs he values more than real life. Drug use including weed and alcohol. Any extended period of unnecessary radio silence, especially when you can see he's online.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-30T13:54:54+00:00

My first husband was avoidant. I've read a lot about it, and it still baffles me overall. However, I understand how he got that way: physical, verbal, emotional abuse as a child; his father died before he was born; his mother married an Appalachian coal miner back in the late 50s. P had three step-brothers, and was treated like a step-child. He also had orthopedic problems (pin in hip at a very young age, teens, I think). He got immersed early in toxic masculinity, and left home around age 17. Never went back or saw his parents again so far as I know.

What I remember:

-- wanting love, but feeling easily overwhelmed and flooded;

-- wanting someone around for company, mostly, but giving each other lots of space;

-- avoiding emotional connection, usually in his case with jokes designed to push me away (which angered and frustrated me);

-- avoiding in-depth conversation which creates mental and emotional connection;

-- solitary hobbies, or if social at all, very limited, superficial interaction. He was "hail fellow well met" with guy buddies, who just didn't demand very much;

-- not a lot of eye contact, smiles, or positive body language; very closed off;

-- very, very negative feelings toward other people, saying people can't be trusted;

-- creating a life where they don't have to interact much with people or at any depth.

Hope this helps. I just know that P would have been an acceptable partner for far longer had I had the money and knowledge of living apart together but I was in my young 20s when we met. I wanted marriage and cohabitation, intimacy, sex, all the basic things one associates with romance and relationships. He *thought* he wanted that, but no.

Sewud · 2021-12-30T15:06:37+00:00

I've been very independent and busy, the opposite of clingy, but my level of affection was always secure and predictable no matter the distance and time apart. LVMs... they just cannot trust and be confident. They are never trying to make you feel good because that's not important to them, they are just concerned with / afraid of getting hurt themselves. As others have mentioned:

No friends
Never had a relationship
No empathy (can't console a person who's upset)
Hides on the internet
No social media that includes their real selves (names, pictures)
Not close with family (or always the invited, never the inviter)
Pessimism ("jokes" that he'll always be alone, or that he'll die young)

Either_Tumbleweed · 2021-12-30T14:05:55+00:00

As someone who has an avoidant attachment style (which I'm working on), I would say the overwhelming pessimism or negativity that will sap your energy. Their reaction to everything will never have an ounce of positivity, there will always be issues or fears towards every single thing in their lives etc.

sermuonielis · 2021-12-30T12:56:25+00:00

They have very few (if any) people in their lives that they can depend on, be it a friend/ relative/colleague. Beware of any slandering of their character.

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2021-12-30T13:57:20+00:00

Another thing I remembered - total inability to offer support.

Example 1: I was upset and crying as my beat friends father received a terminal diagnosis and I didn't know how to help her. He sat next to me cold as a stone patting me on the back with all the empathy of a statue, then left. And this is a supposedly sensitive introspective guy! By contrast, a female friend even just via WhatsApp empathised, gave sensitive advice, and later inquired on how it was going.

Example 2: I was wrecked by period cramps. He chilled on the hammock completely ignoring me. Not a sympathetic word, a hug, god forbid an act of service. By contrast, a female friend sympathised, offered to make me tea, inquired how I was doing, etc.

NoMoreLVM · 2021-12-30T13:53:15+00:00

There’s rarely an easy and immediate sign but someone over the age of 30 who’s never had a long term relationship is definitely a red flag. Another one is if they come on really strong and pull away shortly after (hot cold like everyone else has said). People may also be temporarily avoidant/emotionally unavailable following a breakup or something traumatic, so don’t date anyone who hasn’t been single for at least a year. Also just listen to the way they talk about themselves - do they say they’re very independent? Do they say they have trust issues? Take them for their word.

Misophoniasucksdude · 2021-12-30T22:17:22+00:00

I personally struggle with avoidant behaviors sometimes and from my perspective, I don't invest in a relationship emotionally at all until I know the other person will reciprocate, and even then I am watchful for waning interest so I can break and run faster.

I wouldn't use small gestures of affection as a measure because it's so easy to drop a few compliments/how was your days/remember a few details etc. Test their willingness to put in actual work in the relationship- be it communication, conflict resolution etc. You just have to keep in mind "if he wanted to, he would".

In my experience and understanding as a psych related scientist, avoidants learned that their parents weren't reliable sources of comfort, and into adulthood, they probably won't rely on their partner for comfort either. They can still provide comfort, but look at where they go to get it, if that makes sense.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-12-30T17:51:40+00:00

Saying something difficult or odd to start a fight at a time when it would make sense for you to be closer e.g. on your birthday or some other celebration or on a romantic weekend away. Or if you’ve been having a lovey dovey few days together. One way to do this is to triangulate you with other women. Anything to squash any ‘closeness’. Always saying ‘what are your plans this weekend’ even though you’re an established couple. There’s no ‘what are our plans this weekend’. Look at what their default is at the beginning of the relationship in terms of wanting to connect with you. That is their preference. They may change when you ask them but they show you who they are at the beginning. E.g. like you say, hot and cold or never calling you on the phone - just texting - when you’re both trying to establish a relationship. Will drag their feet in introducing you to their family. Will keep their friends and you compartmentalised. Will be single - they are constantly recycled back into dating because they cannot form proper relationships. This is why we meet so many of the awkward tossers! Grr..

melympia · 2021-12-30T13:51:42+00:00

Excessive gaming. Excessive online or texting habits. Yes, this includes modding forums or subreddits.

I mean, I do it myself, but only when I have nothing better to do. Spending time with an SO sure counts as "something better to do" in my book.

dating-adventures · 2021-12-30T15:17:38+00:00

Coming on too strong at first (this can also be a sign of narcissism)

2021-12-30T18:20:17+00:00

Monkey branching. He has “long term relationships” that last about 2-3 years. His history of partners bleed into one another with almost no breaks in between. Often cheats on current partner, then jumps right in with the affair partner , with no break in between . Even worse, ALL of his “relationships” start and end this way. Another sign is serial monogamy. Only taking a few days/weeks/months to be single. Emotional cheating .physical cheating. Excessive need of alone time, yet needs excessive validation from the opposite sex. Avoidents will do awful things to you to make you feel insecure, then gaslight you about it. They are big fans of using “dread game”They will call you “needy”. For having basic human needs.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-01-02T17:24:03+00:00

I don’t know how I feel about attachment theory to be honest.

I feel like there are probably A LOT of women walking around right now that have been told they have an anxious attachment for daring to ask for the bare minimum from their partners and rightfully developing anxiety and worry when he refused to meet that.

In reality these women have a healthy attachment style but repeatedly get paired time and time again with men that have an avoidant style, that can make you feel like you have an anxious style when you don’t.

I also don’t think these men have an avoidant style, because they attach perfectly fine to family, to friends, to jobs, etc. it’s to women who they enjoy manipulating and using that they refuse to commit to that they can’t attach to. It’s not that they have an unhealthy attachment style, it’s that they don’t like women as people.

I don’t think one needs to jump through hoops to explain the bad behavior of men with psychology: it’s often just plain old misogyny.

Title	Early warning signs to spot "avoidants" and... avoid them?
Author	GeorgiaPeach_94
Upvotes	304
Comments	55
Date	December 30, 2021 12:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rs11ta/early_warning_signs_to_spot_avoidants_and_avoid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/early-warning-signs-to-spot-avoidants-and-avoid.1089938 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089938

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