I have never been spoiled :(

elainejay82 · 2021-05-22T06:48:12+00:00

The man who spoiled me the most pursued me and had to prove himself to me. I didn't necessarily go easy on him. My options were free and open and he knew that. I took care of myself and stuck to goals and didn't let him infringe on them.

The power balance was just that he was a lot more into me to begin with than I was in him, so it was natural that he had to work a little harder to put any spark into me thinking seriously about him. This came with lots of gifts, lots of trips, and lots of slow trust built over time, etc. I think with that one I just never stopped acting like he still needed to impress me. If you gloat over small things, they know that's all they ever have to do for you, small things. I guess my biggest piece of advice is to honestly be disinterested, have your own shit going on, and remain very busy.

Because of that one, who treated me the best out of all them, I'll always believe men who chase have a better chance of treating you well. Eventually he took me all over the world. Various countries, swimming with whales, etc. Tbh you really just need to act like the prize and you need to remain slightly disinterested in men. I think it's really all in the attitude of knowing your worth, focusing on YOU, and taking very good care of yourself.

Edit: I think women are taught now to just give it ALL away right away. Fuck no, don't do that. Make him earn your respect and trust.

hellokaye · 2021-05-22T05:18:08+00:00

I hate to break it to you but I'm 33 and have never been spoiled by a man either. 🤦🏼‍♀️

In all honesty, there's nothing wrong with you, it's them! Go spoil yourself, that's what I do and it's fabulous. <3

Flufferly · 2021-05-22T08:50:41+00:00

How did you get your man to spoil you?

I didn't. If you pick a guy who doesn't want to make you feel special from the get-go, he's not likely to improve with time/hints/nagging/pleading/anything else. Don't try to change other people, change your expectations and pick a guy who meets them before you commit. Learn to say no. Stop wasting your youth on the bare minimum and spend that energy on yourself.

Incidentally, they were right about the part where you don't need a man. Spoil yourself. You are worth more, treat yourself like it.

baobab77 · 2021-05-22T07:21:29+00:00

I think men need to be doing these things before they become your bf. Meaning, it starts in the courting phase. Not to place blame, but why are you committing to men that aren't doing the things to make you feel special? Even if you're dating multiple men, if none of them are making you feel like you're worth going above and beyond for, you don't need to pick from that pile. You can continue your search until you meet a man that wants to do these things for you.

My niece gets spoiled by little boys on Valentine's Day, in ways that grown men haven't done for me in the past. The difference is that she expects these things. Her standards are set in a way not to accept less. No little boy that's shown interest in her has failed to be (innocently) romantic, and she wouldn't take them seriously if they did. So if at her age, she can have the conviction that this is what a boy who's interested in me should be doing, there's no reason that as grown women we should have lower expectations.

Edit: correction

Hostileovaries · 2021-05-22T05:22:01+00:00

Here's the thing about dating as a woman, which a lot of men misunderstand and isn't represented in media. No matter who you are or what you look like, men of all types will trip over themselves to be with you (sexually or otherwise). It's very easy to find someone who will commit to you (but with 0 effort on their part).

Men will not treat you the way you deserve to be treated until you accept nothing else. Society has trained women to look to men for validation, of worthiness, attraction, etc. Don't fall for that.

MadamLeFay · 2021-05-22T13:43:52+00:00

Decades ago, I had a boyfriend who spoiled the crap out of me. He was controlling and I ended things when it seemed like it was going to escalate to physical abuse.

I was married to a piece of shit who spoiled me as well. Turns out he cheated on me with anything with a hole, the entire time we were together.

Sometimes this "spoiling" stuff is just a cover because they're trying to hide something or they're trying to buy your silence.

Spoil yourself and that way, you get exactly what you want.

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-05-22T05:51:03+00:00

Spoil yourself first, you'll see your standards level up and you don't need a man for a lot of things
Even if they are being 'spoiled' by their bf or whatever, are they in a loving relationship? There is a quote somewhere on this sub along the lines of 'I'd rather be a beggar on the street than -forgot this part - rich'. Basically you could still be pickme even if you're getting what you want materially from men.
Are your friends HVW with HVM? If so, maybe ask them directly for advice?

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-05-22T07:01:20+00:00

You have permission to spoil yourself, it doesn’t have to come from a man to be any more meaningful.

NiBBasBeCrazy · 2021-05-22T09:11:23+00:00

The comments here are gold. It’s exactly like the others said. Not every man will want to spoil you. The key is to filtrate and eliminate those who DON’T want to, and you can do that by vetting them in the courting phase.

And remember to never settle for a man who doesn’t worship the ground you walk on. I mean, what’s the point of a man in your life then? Potential pregnancy, abortion, STDs, physical abuse/mental abuse etc etc

miss_peach94 · 2021-05-22T11:17:48+00:00

I'm 27 years old, and I've never even recieved a bouquet

And people bash me for being a man hater.

excusemeILY · 2021-05-22T08:49:28+00:00

I think what is causing this much distress is the implication that comes with not receiving these things: that you’re not beautiful or valuable.

The first step in your transformation should be to consciously aware of this misbelief! Then you can unpack it. It goes without saying (here on fds) that women have inherent value and beauty to guys is much more subjective than they’d dare to admit (kinda like it is for women).

Then, I’d suggest you to do some surprises/nice things for yourself. Just as a way to reteach your brain “look, I’m worthy of it. What the hell were those trash exes smoking”. I know it might be hard for you to hear that because you’re probably thinking “Buutt, that’s what I’ve been doing ALLLL my life, always ME taking care of MYSELF. I want something NICE done to ME for once, like all these other girls!” It’s normal to have this kneejerk reaction as you’ve been socialized for years to not receive nice things when you should have. But if you make the effort, it’s worth it, promise. And maybe it would do some good to make a list of the BENEFITS of YOU doing it to YOURSELF, because from what I’m seeing in your post, you’re only seeing the benefits of someone else doing it to you. I’ll start with one: (if we’re talking about a self care spa evening) I can be late to the event/postpone/change it last minute without having to worry about the other person involved! I’m sure you can come up with many more if you go at it with an open mind.

Wish you the best!

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-05-22T12:02:48+00:00

All my exes treated me, bought me flowers regularly and paid for trips abroad BUT they all cheated on me eventually or turned out to be LV in other ways. Sigh. Here is how you do it: make them wait for sex (about 3 mths!). If they don’t bring you flowers or treat you before sex they never will so you should just move on. Also light up the first time they bring you flowers and tell them it’s a turn on! Refuse to go on holiday with your boyfriend unless he’s offered to pay for it. Just say you can’t justify the expense or can’t get away as you’re so busy. He has to ‘entice’ you to spend all that precious time with you. I have never paid 50/50 to go on holiday. I’d rather not go. My pickme friends think it’s crazy but their boyfs never spoil them. I’ve never had a boyfriend buy me designer gear outside of birthday/xmas/valentines so can’t help you there but I’m a Brit and UK guys wouldn’t have a clue about handbags even if they were slapped in the face with them on a daily basis. I have never had a boyfriend who didn’t buy me flowers/chocs/sweet little things regularly and I put this down to dumping guys after a few months that didn’t treat me. IMHO being bought flowers IS a turn on! Not being bought flowers is a turn off..

grmpygills · 2021-05-22T05:24:32+00:00

My best friend had this issue. Her SO made insane money but always settled for like, mid-tier gifts. He wasn’t the best for her anyway and she broke up with him.

Went out and bought her own shit. It’s not like she couldn’t - she always could, but it was the gesture and show of generosity that was just never there with him.

But also, as much as I would love to be spoiled - it sometimes feels like something that would be held over my head. I bought this for you - why can’t you now do xyz and it doesn’t even need to be that outright. Sometimes I just don’t want that internal pressure of feeling like I owe someone. So I buy my own shit.

jenneke-gotenberg · 2021-05-22T08:32:29+00:00

I'm sorry. If it helps me too. I watched it happen to other women but never got spoiled myself. Even dropped hints which went ignored

Only thing to do was become a lawyer and earn good money and frigging well start making up for lost time and spoiling myself.

AcadiaLeather5071 · 2021-05-22T12:45:59+00:00

I’m on the same page. Honestly it would feel so nice just to know someone’s thinking about me and bought something they knew I’d love. It just really shows they care and would make me feel so loved and pampered. No ones ever brought me flowers or even anything for Valentine’s Day... I went on a date once where the guy paid and was just like... wow 😩❤️

__kamikaze__ · 2021-05-22T13:07:11+00:00

I’m in a similar position, I wish I could offer helpful advice but I’m stumped myself! To make matters worse men flat out tell me I seem like my standards are too high, and I look too expensive. That alone deters them from proceeding with a relationship 🤦‍♀️

Nsinyu21 · 2021-05-22T13:32:34+00:00

Girl I feel you so much. It’s normal to feel jealous but remember comparision is the thief of joy , you not being spoilt doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you

I’m 27 & the single men in my friend circles are so stingy & proud of it too !!! ( however they constantly hit on women out of their league)

I’m at a point where I just spoil myself, i set goals for things I like & save towards them ( currently it’s some designer sunnies) On a funny note , my dad still spoils me so I’m glad that there’s one decent guy in my life.

mexchick17 · 2021-05-22T06:57:31+00:00

Just say you like to be spoiled. The more men see that they have to spoil their women, the more they will. I will make it clear with any man I ever go out with that I expect to be spoiled and I will be turned off if he is not generous. No ifs ands or buts! Ironically it was my narc ex that spoiled me for the first time ever in my life, when he was love bombing me. He would actually buy me a lot of things all of the time too, including a car, laptop, etc. But he was a lying, cheater. There are men out there that like to spoil women. When you make your wishes known, you will attract those men. It's that simple.

curlywurlyprincess · 2021-05-22T09:12:09+00:00

You deserve so much more, sis.

Your standards should be super high. Make it clear that you deserve the best and nothing less then that. Some might call that bitchy, high maintenance behaviour but it worked for me.

My ex is an ex for a reason but he constantly spoiled me when we were together. Bought me so many nice things before we even started dating. I never asked for anything but he knew that I’m the kind of girl who expects to be treated like a princess. If I acted like a chill, ‘cool girl’, he would’ve bought me nothing.

Act expensive even if you’re broke and men will BEG to spoil you.

- Btw I’m also 22, PM me if you ever need tips/advice!

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-05-22T14:23:22+00:00

I think you need to re-read the handbook and the suggested literature.

The first principle of FDS is to learn to be happy being single, filling your life with things you love, and accepting you may never find a HVM.

And you being so jealous of other women getting spoiled shows you haven’t worked on yourself.

You’ll never find a HVM while you’re so desperate for one.

brownskinnedflower · 2021-05-22T16:23:14+00:00

Thank you everyone for the advice!!! So helpful

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2021-05-24T01:07:23+00:00

I'm 28 and in the same boat. I don't feel as bad because a lot of the nice things I do have are things I have worked hard for and I am proud of it. However, I also love material things and that is basically my love language. The most I have gotten from any exes have been like a dinner from... BJ's restaurant :| or some appetizers from TGI Fridays. I used to love gift-giving with my bestfriends back in highschool or middle school. As I got older I was like "ok I want to be on the receiving end of gifts". Had a former coworker that had a boyfriend randomly and they were moving really fast, he bought her a ring, let her borrow his car, he bought her new shoes.

I know where you are coming from though. I would like for the nice things to not have to come out of my own pocket when women are already getting paid less.

wildlife_bee · 2021-05-22T07:54:55+00:00

Sis, I feel your pain and it is valid. I need you to know, though, that spoiling is not always a sign of love. It is often manipulation. My ex that spoiled me most was also abusive in almost every way.

level_up_always · 2021-05-22T20:04:49+00:00

easiest way is to subtly let them know that it's what you expect, make space for them to be able to do so, and positive reinforcement when they do then don't reward bad behavior by sticking around, performing emotional labor etc. i'm not really dating anymore but when i was it was very clear that if you weren't doing that i'm going elsewhere it's really that simple. also say you're exes spoiled you and that's what you're used to doesn't matter if it's true or not they will want to compete and one up them.

im_not_a__panda_ · 2021-05-22T07:51:52+00:00

I'm actually feeling the same way. I'm at the age where a lot of people are in their second/ending their second relationships yet I haven't even been in one relationship my entire life. No guy has ever asked me out and I know it shouldn't matter, especially because I'm not even 20 yet and barely even know myself, but it still feels like I'm just not lovable :( It doesn't really help that I've had severe acne since I was twelve...

I've actually been feeling like shit about it the last few days because one of my favourite singers got married over the weekend and the people around me were talking about how her husband "won the competition" or something. In the past, she's had relationships with men who have met her and instantly dumped their girlfriends to ask her out. Like can you imagine being so in demand that you've got a line of suitors five blocks around your home?! I can't help but feel like I'll never get genuine love because I'm not as successful, beautiful, or talented.

My self esteem usually isn't this bad (lie lol) , I'm just going through a sad week.

I don't have the money for therapy but if there's anyone who has some unconventional advice on how to get over low self esteem and how to be comfortable single, I'd be really grateful to hear it. I've tried a lot of things but I keep coming to the same mindset :(

Title	I have never been spoiled :(
Author	brownskinnedflower
Upvotes	1
Comments	49
Date	May 22, 2021 12:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ni6iq8/i_have_never_been_spoiled/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-have-never-been-spoiled.753714 https://theredarchive.com/post/753714

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