I'll be turning 40 this year. 8 years ago I got serious about learning financial literacy and eliminated all my debt, purchased a home I intend to pay off well before my 15-year mortgage term, and educated myself about smart investing. My small net worth is growing even though I make a modest salary in non-profit social service role.

But coming up on this milestone birthday and having hit these positive financial turning points, I realized the decision about whether to consider getting married at some point has firmly switched over to "no, no matter how high value he is (or appears to be)." Not only to I refuse to potentially jeopardize the financial security I'm building with some man whose mask may come off at some point, at 40 I no longer have time to make the types of financial mistakes you can outlive in your twenties.

A boyfriend or husband can ruin your financial life and destroy your credit through drugs, alcohol, gambling, bad housing choices, stupid, speculative investments, or in the worst of our pick-me days, being a hobosexual and mooching off our entire income. But if you're young enough, you can, over time, work your way out of that mess and still have time to save for retirement. But after 40, you've got far less room for mistakes because you've got far fewer years before you can't or won't want to work anymore.

And get this--a study by Voya Financial says that up to 60% of Americans are forced to retire earlier than they anticipated due to health concerns and/or their industry changing or declining around them (look no further than the pandemic to see how fast your work life can be turned upside down). The day is coming when you won't be able to work, and you need to build the financial security not just to weather that with dignity but have a retirement you deserve.

(I am childfree and I realize that the choice not to marry is harder for Queens who want children. I also recognize that some Queens have a much steeper path to financial self-sufficiency due to institutionalized racism and other systemic barriers.)

But for me, I am clear that if HVM of the Year shows up, I will choose "live together separately," basically perpetual dating. It's the only thing that makes sense for my lifestyle and goals, and at my age I do not need the emotional satisfaction of the traditional life milestone of a wedding and being "Mrs." and so forth (not knocking those for anyone to whom they are valuable).

Moral of the story: don't just get that bread, use it well. Delayed gratification is your friend. Use some cool distance to evaluate the potential financial implications of dating and marriage decisions, or ask a friend to help you get that distance. Get out of debt, and invest in yourself first. If you do this, you actually can date and marry with far less risk. "FU money" is not just for jobs but for relationships too. And the financial skills and emotional strength you have built through your money journey will make you better able to create and enforce boundaries with others, because you've already done it with yourself.