This one is for those of you ladies who are still surprised at the “audacity” or feel bummed at the reddit-wide gaslighting about our standards.

Often reddit at large will accuse FDS of being unreasonable and uncharitable. From viral posts gasping at the FDS queen who dumped him over birthday cookies, to viral posts hemming and hawing at the queen who ended a first date bc he was still crying over a 3 year-old break up. They always get so angry because we don’t give men the benefit of the doubt, and they don’t wonder why men lost that right. We got real good at detecting early signs of emotional abuse and LV behaviour (virtually indistinguishable in this sub- which reddit doesn’t understand).

The problem is that they don’t realize how much trauma we have been put through after giving men second chances, how many years we have lost. Our society is lukewarm to violent men- but they absolutely despise the woman “who lets him.” This cognitive dissonance is prevalent in the same people who shame you for ending things before he strikes.

The reality is that abusive people are not reasonable. Exploitation is at the core of abuse.

Men these days love living in the shadows of the grey areas. The rules of FDS are explicit, verbalized, and clear because men love dragging us onto unknown territory where excuses can be made and they can feign innocence or ignorance. They love taking us out to sea where there are no rules. They set up a whole casino there. They live by the rules of plausible deniability.

This is especially true for narcissist but is generally true for all abusers. They will idealize you during the love bombing phase- but as soon as they find a chink in your armor, their masks fall, and they turn.

Usually, an escalation goes like this:

You freak out because you did something human and think it made him realize you’re not, in fact, perfect; but really, the more perfect you are the more he will keep poking until he finds something.

For instance, you let him get to second base too early, so he assumes you probably let all men do that- makes you a whore in his mind- and keeps pushing buttons to see how far he can go- how much he can debase you and humiliate you. How much he can get away with. You will not see any of this- you both enjoyed each other. Nothing went “wrong.”

[Girl, there are entire industries built around male fantasies of how much they can get away with- they get away with all of it. He will never stop.]

Then, he doesn’t text you back for two days. You assume he’s busy and give him a pass. In your mind, you are being nice- you’re an understanding person who let him off the hook once (cool girl). You don’t want to overreact. You think that he’s lucky you’re giving him a second chance/ making an exception. Surely he will be on his best behaviour now! The reality is that he now feels you gave him a blank check.

His violent/aggressive/mean behaviour at the end always starts with something small and seemingly insignificant at the beginning. This is what we call a red flag. This is always the crucial moment you look back on and say “I should have known.” He crossed a boundary, or did something disrespectful or unkind.

Remember that misogynists see you through the Marianismo lens (Madonna-Whore complex). It’s a switch that was silently flipped. Lights are off now. You are no longer Virgin Mary- you are now a whore with no value. If you have high self-esteem and don’t see yourself that way, they actually get offended that you- the whore- thinks she’s good enough for him. He’s now actively angry at you. And it’s this situation where they unleash their worst side. Now you become the punching-bag, the person they despise and masturbate into. Why wouldn’t he lie? He gets to use your body.

In his mind- it’s now open season. Whatever they previously did that was “genuine” is now a form of ridicule. He’s mocking you for the crime of being too nice. I’ve had men literally laugh at me over the phone and reddit men say “oh, honey.” They all agree- I should have known.

“The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Cause she’s dead.” TS

This is where so many women flock here, confused, asking “why does he treat me like he hates me when I gave him no reason to?” Men like this are always looking for a reason- for an excuse. A HVM with whom you interacted in the exact same ways will find reasons to love and respect you. Disrespectful behaviours of others are not your fault.

You know and I know that the issue wasn’t that he rejected you. We all are allowed to change our minds at any given time about who we want to be with. But he won’t give you the kindness of letting you know “my bad, I don’t like you anymore.” This confuses you, and this is the problem. We cannot expect abusive people to be reasonable. It’s not about reason- it’s about excuses. The truth is- if he’s honest, he loses this grey area he gets to exploit. Instead, he prefers to treat you disrespectfully until you get the hint. If you don’t get the hint, he will take advantage of this opportunity to be abusive. He tells his buddies that you allow this to happen because you don’t respect yourself. “She asked for it. She doesn’t respect herself, so why should I?” He had his perfect victim now, the one who he’s justified to abuse.

Nothing justifies abuse.

FDS isn’t built to give men second chances- it’s built to protect women from machista backlash.

The problem with casual dating is that this tiny situation of letting a guy go to second base and then suffering micro-emotional abuse or micro-aggressions (of a man not texting back to manipulate you into lowering your sexual standards) that might escalate into actual aggression- happens again and again. It’s not just one guy- it’s a multitude of men. It’s so many men lying and cheating, one after the other, that you feel you are attacked and abused by all of male society. Societal gaslighting and societal crazy-making. Being rejected en masse (what men complain about) and being emotionally abused en masse- are two completely different experiences.

Honestly, we wish men rejected us more often. Rejection is a sign of respect.

Stop feeling ashamed for caving. The situation is designed to make you cave. Give yourself grace, and just walk away next time before you emotionally invest.

Block/delete and keep it moving.

You’ll always wonder “what if I fixed this for us?” Fixing his mistakes is not your job- especially at the beginning. It always gets worse. Know that. Endless women have experienced decades of it getting worse. It will never get better.

You’re going to be okay, girl. Don’t apologise for protecting yourself. We don’t care if you embarrassed yourself, or begged, or acted stupid. We validate your humanity here.

These lyrics always help me:

“I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitch

Even when I'm crying crazy

Yeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in me

Bling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in me”

-Lizzo