FDS is easy to follow when you’re single and not actively dating. The real challenge comes when you start getting back out there and mingling with men. It’s much, much harder to vet objectively when you’re in the presence of a handsome man, who seems to be high value. But letting your guard down too early can be a surefire way of ending up in a relationship with a man you despise, but who you wish would go back to how he was in the beginning. To avoid this happening, you have to emotionally detach in the beginning. I’m not saying you should be cold, but you shouldn’t be labelling him a HVM just because he planned and paid for a date. You don’t know him yet.

Every abusive man started off nice in the beginning. Abusers use niceness as a way of hooking their victim. Niceness at the beginning of a relationship means very little. You need to focus on the long game, and not get sucked into a man’s niceties/charm too soon. Men have copped onto the fact that many women believe what they hear over what they’re seeing. So these men know if they say the right things, they’ll achieve their desired outcome. Obviously talk is extremely cheap and men love it. This is why being nice and charming is not always a positive thing. Gavin de Becker reframes the charming man and encourages women to say “this man is charming me” instead of “this man is charming.” The former correctly places charm as a manipulation tactic that men use to get what they want from women.

So how can you emotionally detach? For me, the easiest way is to limit how often I speak to them. I go as far as scheduling in my calendar when I’ll speak to them, and it’s worked a charm so far. Do not spend hours texting and calling with men. Not only is it an immense waste of time, but textationships and frequent contact builds false intimacy, where you think your relationship is deeper than it is. It also makes you look like you have nothing better to do. Do not reveal too much about yourself too soon. Loose lips sink ships, and this also applies to dating. Don’t be tempted to spill your guts and confide in him by telling him all your hopes and dreams and deepest, darkest secrets. Again, this builds false intimacy. True intimacy can only be developed over time.

Be smart about where you go on dates, and avoid being alone with a man you’re dating in the very early stages. Again, you don’t know him. Always meet in public places. This also helps to weed out men who are looking for sex, as these men will be eager to get you alone and less likely to want to go on dates in public.

Always keep in the back of the mind the fact that you don’t know him yet. Too often I’ve seen my girlfriends shout about how nice a man is after speaking to him on OLD for two days. Three months in that mask slips and they’re left wondering what happened to the perfect gentleman they were seeing in the beginning. The truth is? He never existed. Dont base your judgement of someone in the first few interactions you have with them. Be open to getting to know them, but also keep your wits about you and guard your heart and mind. You will thank yourself for it.