how much internalized shame do you think you experienced from purity, sexual, and ect expectations?

leosandlattes · 2025-04-05T03:49:18+00:00

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24 because I saw my dad beat my sister, like bruise up her face, when he found out she lost her virginity. She was 17 at the time. He called her a slut and that he couldn’t have a whore living under his roof, so he kicked her out of our family home.

I made sure I had the means to support myself, both financially and emotionally, before I decided I was ready to lose my virginity. I had a lot of complicated feelings surrounding sex.

Then I see some fucked up guys on this subreddit saying that they would never want a sexual wife because she won’t make a good mom, that he can’t imagine a “whore” raising a daughter especially, and then I’m just like 🤢 Throw those men into a 🌋

Fancy-Statistician82 · 2025-04-05T05:18:57+00:00

This is huuuuge. Guys do not really understand the degree to which women's sexuality is suppressed by externally applied shame.

Young women (girls really) get these messed up messages about their bodies feeling normal sexual things but it's either dirty and bad, or it's some kind of promise to always take the bra and panties off.

So everything feels conflicted and mixed up. And just the minute you're starting to feel good and strong, you get a frightening experience.

I was wearing boy shorts and a tee, sober, sleeping in my own bed in a college apartment with 4 adults, feeling very positive about men in general. Alongside my own boyfriend When I awoke in my own bed, with a friend of a friend who we had agreed to let crash on the couch holding the sheet and my shirt up to look at my breasts. I had been in a relationship with his friend lasting over a year at the point, the guy spent the rest of that night in the car and was sent home and yet somehow I felt at fault.

I got really severe about not letting anyone stay over after that. Most men are good men, a few really poison the well.

So I'm a lusty person, and this one asshole twenty five years ago had affected my whole life and the way I caution my children who are now teens.

Was it my fault for somehow inviting him? Do I owe him something for him being needy? /S

Corbast7 · 2025-04-05T02:59:52+00:00

A lot, honestly. Something I’ve come to realize over the course of my 20s.

Something I think about a lot is that one old tiktok trend where women were like “show how you would you dress if men weren’t allowed outside for a day” or whatever. And it may sound silly but as a creative exercise, it honestly blew my mind to think about that. It was super freeing, like it unlocked something in my brain.

It made me realize that a lot of how I would dress and behave served as a way to avert (male) attention and not be perceived as too offensive or god forbid “attention seeking.” Like living with a safety cloak always on. Now whenever I’m in a self conscious slump I often think about that exercise. I’ve realized I feel most confident and authentic when I feel free to dress flamboyantly and look cunty lol, in my case. And maybe even most importantly it’s a way I can bond with other women rather than compare myself against them or criticize them.

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-04-05T02:45:57+00:00

I didn’t masturbate till I was 19 and in college because I was raised thinking sexual thoughts were a masculine impurity and didn’t yet realize the therapeutic benefit of orgasms.

It’s not really that I felt shame? More that it just didn’t occur to me to do something about those feelings when I had them.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-04-05T03:29:43+00:00

none i was raised without sexual shame by 60s beatniks

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-04-05T03:37:14+00:00

I believed that masturbation was a bad thing, and that I was a bad person for doing it. Despite this, masturbation taught me how to gently and slowly put a tampon in, so was actually very useful for me.
I believed that the hymen actually meant anything related to my value as a person. (Which was extra stressful for me, as I was born without one/born with a very non-present one)
I believed the whole "only 1/3rd of women can orgasm from penetration alone". When I found I could from masturbation, I thought I was the rare type. Turns out, most women can orgasm from masturbation. The myth about 1/3rd of women is likely used to convince women that it's normal for their partners to not cause them to orgasm.
I read a lot of incel blogs as a pre-teen/teen, so I believed that having inner labia longer than outer labia was a bad thing and a sign of masturbation.
Likewise due to the incel blogs, I believed that vaginas can become loose from sex.''
My bisexual and female-preferring-ass believed homosexuality was a sin.

My advice to others? I run a sex-ed webcomic called Eitra and Emi on Reddit, and have since 2020. The original purpose of the comic was to combat misogynistic anti sex-ed, but the comic covers many general topics now.

justdontsashay · 2025-04-05T02:30:03+00:00

I somehow never really internalized shame over having sexual desires, but I know that’s a pretty common experience for women.

I think the main reason I didn’t internalize it is autism, honestly. I just was kind of oblivious to some of the messaging I got about that growing up (looking back, I can see it was there. I just didn’t really absorb it). And then as an adult, the men I’ve been with generally appreciate that I’m open about lusting after them, so it’s just never felt like a negative.

AngeAware · 2025-04-05T05:24:35+00:00

My circumstances are pretty weird. I'm a practicing Catholic, grew up in a Catholic family, and attended Catholic schools until college.

My parents were moreso the cultural Catholic variety, didn't wait until marriage, and definitely saw sex before marriage (with precautions) as the normal thing to do.

The concept of remaining a virgin until marriage was something I learned in school. But even there, we had the Theology of the Body curriculum that really stressed sex as natural, pleasurable, and good, but something to be saved for a single partner who has dedicated their life to you before a congregation. Also somehow I ended up with the most liberal religion teacher who taught any specific grade for all four years. More focused on things like loving your neighbor and environmentalism than nagging us about waiting until marriage.

I think the relatively gentle religious upbringing contributed a lot to me being able to wait until marriage while also not feeling much shame about sex or sexual desire.

EulenWatcher · 2025-04-05T03:14:49+00:00

Very little.

Thankfully, my mother is sex-positive, and she never shamed me for my attraction or sexuality. She gave me sex talk and some advice here and there when I was a teenager, and I've never heard her shaming other women for responsible expressions of their sexuality. My whole maternal family is Buddhist with no idea about purity culture. Plus, compared to communities promoting purity culture in the US the culture of my ethnicity is more egalitarian and has far less hang-ups about sex or dating.

Shame, victim-blaming and sexist are still pretty common overall in Russia though, so I did get exposed to these things. They just made me wary of men, but not of my sexuality.

I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice here. Just, please, don't raise your kids in purity culture. It seems absolutely harmful, and women keep struggling with sex even when/if they get married and "are allowed" to enjoy sex.

P.S. no one ever expected me to wait till marriage or have only one partner for life, and I didn't have this expectation either. I met my first boyfriend when we both were teens, he was my first...and he's my only one. We've been together for more than 10 years now. I'm glad that we can openly talk about sex, and that I don't feel shame or guilt or awkwardness enjoying our sex life.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2025-04-05T03:05:30+00:00

None, really. I was a precocious child that read A LOT, and my parents encouraged my curiosity. Despite being "trad catholics", they valued education above all else so they were pretty frank about sex, hormones, puberty, etc. There was a moral frame work to not fuck up my life with an unintended pregnancy, but my parents stayed out of my business.

I've never been inclined towards religion, and I've always been a bit of a loner, so I never really jived with any sort of shame framework beyond my own desire for a stable and fulfilling life.

thelajestic · 2025-04-05T08:54:06+00:00

None. I wasn't raised in a puritanical culture. I don't live in the US or a very religious place which I think helps. I also come from a long line of atheists so I never had any kind of religious undertones to my upbringing.

My mum is a scientist and very matter of fact, taught my sister and I about sex and how to have sex safely and make sure it was on our terms etc and not being pressured into things. Very much open and honest conversations with the assumption being that we would be having sex.

I don't know how to advise someone who is feeling that shame because if it's already there it can be pretty baked in. But sex, sexual desire, sexual expression are all normal, natural, healthy things.

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S0yslut · 2025-04-05T04:22:41+00:00

I thought masturbation was a sin lol. I stopped caring during my first LTR tho mainly because it was the only way I was going to be able to tell him what I liked and I had enough sense to realize that was important.

flipsidetroll · 2025-04-05T05:59:51+00:00

Zero internalised shame. My parents were very open if I had questions (with age appropriate answers of course). So I never got misinformation. I was pretty shy at school (simply because I was 6ft1 and towered over any boy I liked) so didn’t rush into anything sexual.

For the redpill men…… everything about the redpill is shaming either men or women. They shame you for not meeting women’s “expectations” ( all false except for a tiny demographic). They shame you for not being fit or successful like them (even though there is no proof of their success). And they shame women for everything they can, even though most of it is pure projection. Your critical thinking skills should help you here but the fact you don’t use them shows you are reacting purely on emotion. So the agenda here is pretty obvious.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2025-04-05T09:43:24+00:00

Surprisingly, pretty much not at all.

I was raised quite religious and I was still religious myself when I started masturbating and having sex. I've decided at the time that sex is too awesome, and why would a god have a problem with me and my boyfriend expressing our love for each other that way? It was completely illogical to me. I never felt an ounce of shame for losing my virginity young and having sex. Sex has always been a positive experience for me.

I became an atheist very soon.

The only thing I can tell other women is that everybody has urges, (almost) everybody wants to have sex and masturbates. It's a part of the universal human experience and it is completely illogical to feel bad about any of this.

axon__dendrite · 2025-04-05T10:22:29+00:00

A lot. As a teen I was so ashamed of my own naked body so much that I tried to cover myself from the mirror when showering

False-Purple3882 · 2025-04-05T10:29:20+00:00

I had a hard time grappling with being attracted to women when I was a kid due to how specific sects of christianity treat or speak about same sex attracted people. When I entered into my first relationship with a man, I had a harder time expressing what I wanted or liked or didn’t like relating to sex than what I think would’ve been natural.

I often wonder who I would’ve been without the specific experiences I had as a child, or the cultural and religious influences surrounding me when I was a kid. There’s almost a level of mourning the person I should’ve been and this feeling that I don’t really know who I am.

Most_Vermicelli9722 · 2025-04-05T14:13:32+00:00

I didn’t have sex until I got married. I didn’t wven consider doing it before because I thought it would destroy my life.

I wasn’t told that sex is bad tho, I never felt ashamed. I was told my whole live that sex is something beautiful and pleaurable in marriage, that it’s good.

Bullshit.

My first view times made me schocked that it wasn’t good at all. And then also I still had to do it because I was married.

I don’t enjoy sex. I never felt pleasure from it. I’m not sure if those things are related to each other but If I could come back time I wouldn’t have waited. I would have sex at least once before marriage, so I could find out that it’s not pleasurable.

GridReXX · 2025-04-05T14:29:40+00:00

I grew up Christian. I cried after I lost my virginity. I think I had a panic attack that I was going to go to hell. But then I rationalized myself out of it and ultimately realized religion was a massive psyop and clearly there are no magical wizards or big bearded men on the sky. Just human men and their rules and desires.

ohdiddly · 2025-04-05T15:34:48+00:00

As a teenager the guilt I felt was borderline traumatising (I was raised religious too which made it even worse).

My best friend told me I was disgusting for admitting to masturbating, and the bible told me I was disgusting for feeling lust. So yeah, we’re pretty much raised to think that there’s something wrong with us for simply experiencing normal human desires. It takes a long time to unlearn all that and feel confident with your sexuality. Couldn’t be happier since living the church :’)

attendquoi · 2025-04-05T16:52:01+00:00

I did not have much. My mom is a very intelligent and progressive woman, and she did a lot to make sure I didn't internalize what society and other people said. I was very lucky.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-04-05T17:36:26+00:00

Quite a bit, especially considering I’m bisexual and was taught that homosexuality is a sin. I remember thinking growing up that “Well since I’ve had a crush on a boy before, at least I know I don’t have to worry about being gay… right? Right?” Luckily, I started questioning the religious conditioning in my teens. But for a long time, I felt guilt about being sexually active and finding women attractive, despite the fact that cognitively I didn’t believe there was anything wrong with it and certainly wouldn’t have told another lgbtq+ person they were sinful. The fact that my college boyfriend didn’t “believe in bi people” did not help. So yeah, took until about my late 20s to feel comfortable with my whole sexuality.

Sonia314 · 2025-04-06T08:57:38+00:00

I’m lucky enough to live in a progressive community where even the most promiscuous women aren’t shamed for our sexuality (even though men still are). But it didn’t do me much good; I’ve never found vanilla sex arousing at all and spent my life up until my mid 30s thinking there was something wrong with BDSM because the subculture of feminism that sees it as abusive dominated in my life. My mom raised me under that kind of feminism (and my dad deferred to her), and there was a decade where I wasn’t dating at all in part because my psychologist convinced me that if he didn’t cure me of BDSM I would get into an abusive relationship.

I started practicing BDSM a year ago, and there are very few parts of my vanilla life that haven’t improved because I’m no longer tying myself in knots trying to be something I’m not. I have a lot of gay friends, and the analogy to coming out really resonates. I’ve had wonderful caring relationships that are so much healthier than my vanilla relationships were. I would say to people who are still buying into kink shaming that when practiced responsibly, BDSM is not just harmless, but a powerful tool for improving mental health. I recommend getting involved via a community, as there is a learning curve they can help you with and people accumulate reputations there based on how responsibly they practice kink. You should be able to find a local one on Fetlife.

Positive-Emu-1836 · 2025-04-07T14:36:57+00:00

I remember looking up if I was going to hell everytime I masturbated. I also remember trying to convince myself I wasn’t into sex because it just wasn’t something women liked. Like it was hard out here gang 💀

Lovaloo · 2025-04-11T00:43:39+00:00

I was raised in the Evangelical church.

I'm physiologically capable but terrified and feel guilty. On the plus side, I can't be compelled.

OrganicAd5450 · 2025-04-05T03:15:57+00:00

What am I supposed to be ashamed of? Having sexual desires? I don't think a trans person is representative of the general population of women. Most women like being women.

Maybe I felt shame when I was younger but just forgot about it.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-04-05T19:00:03+00:00

I’m not ashamed of my sexuality

Title	how much internalized shame do you think you experienced from purity, sexual, and ect expectations?
Author	_here_ok
Upvotes	14
Comments	57
Date	April 5, 2025 2:19 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jrt484/how_much_internalized_shame_do_you_think_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-much-internalized-shame-do-you-think-you.1548634 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548634

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