I've read some men get nerdy in hobbies because they can't find a date and need to cope. I don't feel this way.

vivvienne · 2023-01-06T10:41:54+00:00

Lol no. As long as you manage your time and are responsible otherwise hobbies are not separated in such subjective ways, people just like to cry about the need to control others.

Long ago my high school boyfriend told me videogames are for kids. Him, an avid gamer told me he'd quit one day. Maybe he did, but most adults these days play games of some sort contrary to what he believed would happen, a common sentiment back then.

EventSea8621 · 2023-01-06T12:18:50+00:00

lol i cope with alcohol now more than videogames tbh.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-01-06T10:26:37+00:00

My boyfriend of 3 years is a nerd. He still has his games that he plays both with me and without. He has his plants and his rock collection. The gaming was a bit of a cope went he was single, but it was more the extent rather than it being a hobby at all This stuff sounds true online, but it's not actually true IRL. Most people are fine with people having hobbies, it's the extent to which they're indulged that it can get tricky. It seems to be a specifically American feeling tbh.

Creation_Soul · 2023-01-06T11:05:41+00:00

the mistake that some people do is that they lose themselves entirely in a relationship and forget they are an individual, with specific hobbies, passions and dislikes.

Of course there is the other extreme where a person doesn't want to compromise at all in a relationship and has a basic attitude of "take it or leave it".

I also like gaming and have "invested" a lot of money into it (a good gaming computer, monitors and games), and do get to play games almost whenever I want to. BUT, that doesn't mean that gaming interferes with professional responsibilities (i don't stay to game until 4AM if I know I have to work the next day) or my relationship ones (if I have to do work around the house or want to do something fun with my wife, that takes priority). My wife also has her own hobbies that I don't enjoy/share and she is also free to do them as she feels as long as it doesn't interfere with her own responsibilities.

The best example is friday evenings. It is usually the day my wife does her weekly cleaning of the house (which is her responsibility) and during that time I am basically doing whatever I want (including gaming). She may call me a few times to help her carry some heavy stuff, but other than that she is not bothering me. On the flip side, cooking is my responsibility and I also don't bother her from what she is doing at that moment except small stuff that is easier to be done by two people.

Of course, all this requires a relationship with someone with whom you can come to an understanding on such things.

chancetolive · 2023-01-06T12:54:57+00:00

Your basic premise is men are supposed to slowly become more selfless as they grow out of selfish cocky adolescence. Spending more time doing productive things that benefit their immediate family, wife, kids, community. Pro-social men are rewarded with status.

I completely reject this notion, will the world be a worse place if more people were like me? Yes but idc.

eyewave · 2023-01-06T10:50:44+00:00

Hobbies are a useful and enjoyable substitute for a relationship. As the women on here claim, you allegedly need to be a "contented single" before you're ready for a relationship. Finding who you are through hobbies is a good way to do that, whether it be video games, toys, exercise, building shit, travel, whatever. They're all cool to me, and I encourage men in general to embrace who they are and find shit they're interested in.

What happens is that, once and if you do decide to settle down, you have to give up a vast majority of that time you've spent enjoying your hobbies, especially if you have kids. The trope of a man being relegated to the garage while the woman gets the entire house is a thing for a reason.

I think this is just a natural change, I don't think it's nefarious really. Once you settle down with a partner and have kids, your priorities change and your life probably shouldn't be centred around yourself anymore.

The real question you have to ask yourself is, is it worth giving up all the time and energy you've expended into the things you truly love, merely for a woman and some kids? That's up to you to decide. I love my hobbies more than anything else in the world; I love being a voracious reader, I love travelling the world, and I love my marathon running/swimming. I wouldn't give it up for the world!

Leadgyal · 2023-01-06T14:06:01+00:00

My husband is a nerd. He can spend 10hrs playing video games and organizing his Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. And we have 2 nerdy offspring.

Nerdy men can and do get dates.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2023-01-06T15:17:02+00:00

Men spend time and are super into their hobbies.

Can't get a date, what a cope!

Men want to always do stuff with their GFs.

What a pathetic bitch.

Men are chasing women.

Desperate.

We get it. Men bad.

wtknight · 2023-01-06T14:24:33+00:00

My experience is that women tolerate nerdy hobbies in moderation. It’s when a guy gets obsessive with them so much that they are hurting together time in the relationship or making him lack motivation and ambition that they become bothered by them. All guys usually need to do is not let their nerdy hobbies get in the way of the other, arguably more important, aspects of life.

God_Hand_9764 · 2023-01-06T15:06:59+00:00

I'm a total nerd about computers and always have been. I thought they were the coolest damned thing ever before I even hit puberty, and I had no shortage of girls interested in me back when I was in middle/high school (so there's no argument that it was any kind of cope).

And I still think computers are awesome and they consume a lot of my free time.

As for hobbies and interests in a relationship.... I find that it's not that important to have that overlap as you'd intuitively imagine.

What really matters is simply having respect for each other's hobbies.

I get carried away with my computer/server stuff sometimes, but as long as I'm not hurting anyone, a mature adult and partner should respect that.

Likewise, although I'm single right now, I've been in relationships in the past where my girlfriend would watch TV shows that I thought were absolutely horrible. It's important to recognize that people just like what they like and that I like weird stuff too. It is shitty to mock or be negative towards your partner's interests, and I have done that before and later realize that it's a bullshit thing to do.

Just be happy that the person you love has something that makes them feel good, and enjoy that for what it is.

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-06T16:28:25+00:00

Been with my fella over 2 years. We share one hobby that got us together. We both have our individual hobbies. We both dabble in each other's hobbies. We both have alone time for our individual hobbies. While I would assume both of us will have less time for our hobbies when children come along (more so when they're babies and can't really participate in them), I think we'll both still try to make time for each other to enjoy our hobbies. Do I think we developed these hobbies from being single? Maybe that's how it started in some cases, but certainly at this point they're just joys in our lives.

I think probably the most important thing is an ability to place hobbies on hold when more important matters are afoot. If I couldn't put the cooking down because someone is sick, depressed, needy, or the babies need to be fed, that's a big big issue. If our house is falling into shambles, I'm crying my eyes out, and we haven't been together in a month and he wanted to go tinker around with a car, that's a big issue.

The reason people complain about hobbies, especially the nerdy ones, is that you tend to see their addictive qualities causing rifts in relationships and people failing to live up to their obligations, loyalties, and easily more important life factors. But this isn't a requirement. You can easily game for an hour here or there and still have a happy relationship and be fulfilling all your duties to the people relying on you.

Pilling_it · 2023-01-06T17:35:25+00:00

You don't last in a hobby you're not really into, so I don't think it really matters. But everyone have their own hobbies.

It's more an attempt to find ways to meet women that aren't hookup apps.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-01-06T18:44:42+00:00

This is just my personal experience, as I’ve gotten older and have more responsibilities and less energy, I’ve pretty much stopped playing video games except for when I get that minecraft itch for a few days every 6 months. And it’s not because I don’t enjoy them, it’s just that other things, namely creative pursuits have become much more of a priority to me as my schedule has become compressed.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-01-06T19:25:51+00:00

No, hobbies are a good thing. Healthy relationships have interests in common and interests not in common so they can spend time apart.

Do not break up with your gf of 3 years to find a girl with hobbies in common with you. Hobbies will change throughout your life (example, when I met my husband 7 years ago I mostly read, worked out and cooked, didnt like video games... and he mostly played sports and video games and did music writing at times, he hated working out. Now, he works out alot! He doesnt watch or play sports hardly at all and plays less video games. Me? I LOVE video games, work out less and read less) Interests are a superficial thing to base a relationship on, though you need some common ground to start. Im sure you and your gf have other interests in common.

I would encourage you to value your hobby. Also, my husband did music writing and found music writing and production hobby groups. He still talks to some of the people he met. I would encourage you to try that route.

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2023-01-06T19:44:08+00:00

Hmm. It's a good question. Like, what came first the chicken or the egg.

I'm not sure if nerdy guys generally go further into those hobbies as (BANNED C WORD) for their failures. OR, if they have said failures due to the nerdy hobbies.

Imo, it's the latter. No woman really wants to date a man who loves anime and plays video games all day lmao. The only person I know like that who is dating or married was a muai Thai trainer. Most nerdy guys generally don't have ANY physical pursuits. MAYBE solo gym time (statistically, usually not)

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-06T19:53:52+00:00

You absolutely can have the best of both worlds.

A friend of mine and her husband met over their love of gaming. They both spend what many would consider to be too much time gaming. But you know what? They both work, they both make sure quality time is spent raising their child, they both make time for each other, they sometimes game together or game apart for hours. When they game apart they alternate so someone is with the kid for four hours while the other games, and when the kid sleeps or is in preschool and they're not working, they game together (or at the same time but in separate rooms/games).

If you maintain your health, your household, and your responsibilities, as long as you are compatible in how much time is devoted to your hobbies, there is nothing 'selfish' about being devoted to an interest.

I am spending some of my free time with a guy who games and loves basketball. We still have plenty of good undiluted time together. I also like a lot of alone time to do my own thing or work on projects so it balances. Neither of us feels neglected or ignored. We're both at full steam and delight in each other when we put aside what we're working on or playing with.

toasterchild · 2023-01-06T20:16:42+00:00

Hobbies are only selfish if you prioritize them over your partner all the time. If it's an issue set up a schedule that works for both of you. Video games are known for causing relationship issues because they have a tendency to become addictive and make people put off the other parts of their relationships. My husband plays video games but just avoids certain types of games because they cause issues with getting along with his family. It's only a problem if you can't ever figure out a way to ever make it work.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-01-06T20:37:34+00:00

It's super weird and people who talk like that just sound like miserable sad sacks who think relationships should suck the life out of you.

You can totally enjoy your hobbies while in a relationship. My husband draws comics and is gonna start making D&D terrain soon. While he's doing that , I'm playing WoW or watching new pole tricks that I want to try out. He goes to his sport thing, I go to my sport thing.

Everyone needs time for their own stuff, the idea that you should spend 100% of your free time with your partner kind of sounds awful.

bottleblank · 2023-01-07T07:09:09+00:00

Your post, and some of the responses, seem to be taking a very different view of your (titled) premise than I do.

When I hear (and sometimes say) "men end up with nerdy and/or solo hobbies to cope", I don't think that has to mean "you can't/don't/won't have those hobbies if you are successful" and nor does it mean "you can't keep those hobbies if you become successful".

What I mean when I say it is this:

There are some men who grow up socially disadvantaged and, in the absence of a social circle (or romantic/sexual success), they find that they need to do something to occupy themselves. They learn from an early age (and especially during teenage development) that they are not wanted or included by their peers, but they can't simply "exist" without doing anything at all, so they seek things which they can be involved in.

Socially, this might be online communities, or multiplayer gaming, if they're lucky it might be table-top gaming or couch gaming with a couple of guys they know IRL, perhaps a nerdy club of some kind. Otherwise it might be single-player games or academic or creative pursuits, something technical like programming or digital art or whatever it is they can keep their brain sufficiently occupied with. It may be a form of self-improvement, developing skills and expressing themselves. Better yet, that might actually be productive in terms of starting a career, particularly if their interests are contemporary and in-demand.

This can of course result in some men becoming too engaged with their solo pursuits or self-improvement, or their online communities. Not necessarily by their own fault, they were simply doing what they needed to do in order to stay sane when they had few or no social or intimate connections. They had to invest in something, so they did, they invested in whatever seemed right to them at the time - yes, sometimes at the expense of developing the social skills they lacked before. But what else does that man (or, more likely at the time, boy) do?

If his experience of others is that he himself is being "othered", if nobody allows him the opportunity to develop socially, to be involved, to learn, to make mistakes, and to have experiences which prove that he is a viable social entity, what would you expect him to do? Nothing? Keep trying forever, getting perpetually hurt and learning all kinds of unpleasant lessons about people?

Some people don't get that chance, or are too damaged before they're likely to get that chance, so they must rely on what they know they can rely on. Themselves. Their solo interests. Their own personal development or academic interests.

Doesn't mean they can't ever be anything except a socially broken nerd with no interest or ability in being around other people, nor that they have to remain perpetually in a state of arrested development, or that they have to shed their old interests if they do manage to meet people. It just means that at one point they had too few social opportunities to be positively fulfilled and they had to fill in the gaps themselves, and some people find that to be weird or uncool (or, if we're being realistic, a hallmark of an underdeveloped person whose interests are invalid because they cannot show a requisite level of social value).

IamHere-4U · 2023-01-06T14:13:19+00:00

I've read some men get nerdy in hobbies because they can't find a date and need to cope. I don't feel this way.

This is absolutely not true. I always wanted to play dnd and do fantasy worldbuilding shit when I was in a relationship and needed time away from my ex. I can get dates relatively easily and still want to engage in my autistic nerd/weeaboo nonsense.

If you asked me right now, as we speak, would I rather have sex or play DnD, I would definitely choose DnD provided that everything was set up and I could start on the fly. I am 29M and sex feels far more accessible at this point than a good session of DnD with committed players.

throaway-user · 2023-01-06T14:08:04+00:00

I would say so, yeah. If I had friends who invited me to hang out and go out with them I never would have started watching Star Trek and other related things. It was a direct result of my not having anything better to do.

It's also the reason why so many nerdy guys get angry when they see women who are into the same things as they are, or geek things in general become mainstream. You're dating and going out with friends and having fun and living your best life and now you wanna stick your nose into MY personal safe space? Of course they're gonna get angry and quiz them on how much they really know and are into that thing.

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Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2023-01-06T13:03:58+00:00

This is a bit specific, but I am a car guy and have four cars. I acknowledge that if I were in a relationship or potentially had a family, I would not have the time/energy/finances required to keep up with this hobby at the pace I can now. So I guess it depends on the hobby and how much you put into it.

uglysaladisugly · 2023-01-06T14:48:32+00:00

You are probably bringing way much to the table of this relation ship by having hobbies and taking your alone time that if you were not.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-01-06T16:41:13+00:00

Whoever said that is full of shit. I play a lot of video games, mostly single player and have since I was a kid. I have tried to be more social in gaming for my partner so things like FFXIV, overcooked, it takes two, and the man from Madan have been added in. But realistically it's still me playing jrpgs by myself.

Not everything needs to be a fucking couples activity.

2023-01-06T20:36:17+00:00

Tbh everyone is a "hardcore gamer" now.

GhostofCamus · 2023-01-06T22:43:09+00:00

I've put off responding to women I'm very interested in because I wanted to write, or paint something. Sometimes for days because other stuff comes up. I loved my passions long before any woman loved me. My hobbies do not care if I'm not good at them. Women will abandon me if I'm not what they need.

West-Ad-9697 · 2023-01-07T07:17:38+00:00

I think there's 2 factors - the male brain's tendency to hyper focus on very particular stuff. The more you dwell into your field, the more you want to dwell into it more.

And the increasingly limited time you have for those hype focusing exercises.

With a girl lady hanging out all day around you needing to be entertained or filling you brain with all sorts of mundane stuff and conversation - I would guess time will be at a premium and as you do the sex more and the nerdy less, your dopamine priorities shift.

gopher_glitz · 2023-01-07T22:58:03+00:00

I knew a guy who liked to play video games. When his girlfriend was new and they first started dating she was like, "I HATE video games" and he never played again.

But after they got married he got into more nerdy shit because she's not going to dump him for being a nerd now.

Title	I've read some men get nerdy in hobbies because they can't find a date and need to cope. I don't feel this way.
Author	eyewave
Upvotes	11
Comments	72
Date	January 6, 2023 8:39 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/104p483/ive_read_some_men_get_nerdy_in_hobbies_because/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/ive-read-some-men-get-nerdy-in-hobbies-because.1146816 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146816

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