Lets discuss another datingoverthirty post "Anyone struggle with dating because it's too stressful and you're too comfortable alone?"

thetruthishere_ · 2021-09-20T00:55:12+00:00

This person sounds like they could be avoidant/fearful avoidant attached. They become triggered by closeness they will run and avoid. Ghost.

Deep down they want it but their attachment takes over if they are not self aware of it-their triggers/seek attachment trauma therapy.

Edit to add, they like to be alone more/more introverted than others. Like secure or anxious attached.

Illustrious_Wish_383 · 2021-09-20T01:43:08+00:00

In the US our society likes to treat introversion like a character flaw. Just because someone tends to loner tendencies doesn't mean that person is asexual.

Imwaymoreflythanyou · 2021-09-20T07:31:11+00:00

I think a lot of women don’t understand how draining you can be in a general sense. Even if we like you. It’s just very mentally and physically draining (particularly for us more introverted guys) to have constant contact and communication that’s centred around keeping you happy/entertained/attracted etc. When you add our often draining work lives to this there’s just not much energy left to go around even if we do desire a relationship.

This might help to explain some of your experiences with men ghosting and stuff.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-09-20T05:45:55+00:00

Lol. Offer him a hot thot and watch him go. He's just not dating attractive women.

stats135 · 2021-09-20T01:34:04+00:00

Dating is stressful for a man, its more comfortable being alone, and if it wasn't for sex men wouldn't be invested.

I don't think this is a datingoverthirty thing. I don't think its a PTSD thing. Its just reality for most men full stop.

cuckspace · 2021-09-20T06:44:44+00:00

This rings true for me. The juice is not worth the squeeze. I don’t like starting conversations with strangers and going through the same topics over and over again. Being expected to carry the whole weight of the interaction, when I don’t even like the process and feel like I’m lying to myself and others when I pretend to be this outgoing driven person that I have to be for any progress to be made. OLD is especially hard because I don’t have the chemistry or physical cues to go by. If it wasn’t for sex I would have no interest in talking to women whatsoever, but I’m not allowed to state my interest directly so I have to pussyfoot around it and “get to know her personality”, which doesn’t interest me that much. I don’t see most modern women as capable or willing to add value to my life beyond sex, yet I’m the one who’s expected to act like there is something more to it. It’s just exhausting and not worth the effort.

Rosifer433d · 2021-09-20T09:56:06+00:00

He's not wrong. I'm not particularly interested in romantic relationships for several reasons. I don't want to deal with a woman's parents, brothers, sisters, friends, and I don't want any complications and stress. I like my daily routine of going to work, playing soccer, watching movies, reading books, and going to the beach, hence my preference for short term relationships that last 3 to 6 months.

I don't enjoy complications and emotional drama and romantic relationships with the give and take and the effort and work and all that to be way too much. I also dislike deeply talking on the phone, and I haven't texted anyone in a year or so, because I don't like it either.

I like sex, and the safest and best sex a man can have is to be found in romantic relationships, because going out to nightclubs and meeting women and trying your luck and being rejected and then going to the next woman and trying your luck, and eventually getting laid and repeating the process the next night, is fun when you are in your early 20s but after that it just becomes bothersome.

Honestly, if I was to win the jackpot, I would just move to Germany and make-do with professional escorts, and forget all about being in a romantic relationship as I enjoy them as much as I enjoy getting my teeth cleaned(the process of getting them cleaned).

meme_lords_unite · 2021-09-20T02:53:50+00:00

Holy shit. I relate to this so much. I feel like I've become completely apathetic to dating. Recently, I matched with a few chicks on tinder and made it perfectly clear I only wanted sex, they were ok with this. But one day, I just stopped caring and never responded. This isn't even the first time. When I think about how much effort I have to put into maintaining a relationship, I just say fuck it. I enjoy my own company so much, I dont feel the need to bring people into my space. I'm perfectly happy doing my own thing. Idk maybe that makes me weird.

Cimorene86 · 2021-09-20T09:06:55+00:00

My FWB and I were taking a walk just last week, and he said that if we hadn't met, I'd still be a virgin. And I couldn't even be upset because he's 99% right...in all likelihood, I would have kept going on failed dates until I was 25 and then stopped altogether. Just bought a bunch of sex toys and learned to be content with normal friendships.

Why? Precisely because it's stressful for no payoff, and I'm too comfortable alone. Not totally of course, I still keep in contact with parts of my family and see my friends at least once a week. But the idea of living with someone, having someone who shares that space and actually helps with it, is something I'd need a long time to get used to.

OP sounds like they're still halfway wanting a committed relationship, but I wonder how much is based on their own desires vs how much society shoves down our throats that being alone is "weird" or "psycho". Should probably focus on getting a better relationship with their friends for now, so they still have healthy socialization.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-09-20T16:55:34+00:00

i think most ghosting is due to THIS and maybe like 10% of ghosting is due to pumping and dumping.

I agree. Dating is a negative experience for men and women, but at least women get some rewards from it if they can handle the negativity. It goes something like this;

Women get more extreme negativity. But women also get a steady trickle of positive feedback, and women can get a large payout in terms of roi, in the form of a LTR or other desired experience.

Men get a constant trickle of negativity in the form of fruitlessness punctuated by an occasional lackluster date. It's barely enough reinforcement to keep the rat pressing the lever. So men become increasingly disillusioned and disengaged.

Other sexist observations; women don't have to work as hard at online profiles, which means their profiles are "nice" but somewhat generic. It's easy to forget your having an online conversation with some vaguely female unknowable entity.

I could rattle on but I'll stop.

tldr: Even for someone who is pro-relationship, dating seems to have lost a lot of its allure in recent years.

lestratege · 2021-09-20T01:00:33+00:00

Well many guys go MGTOW when they're in the middle of trying to date and realize it's not worth it for them.

It doesn't mean it's rooted in PTSD as the initial post, although I'm pretty sure it won't be long before Mgtow is being officially pathologized.

When on the receiving end of that process of a guy realizing he doesn't need or want women, then it feels personal like that guy doesn't want a particular woman and then ghosts.

It's also not very different from pump and dump. It's most often its consequence once sex drive cools and the guy realizes chasing pussy isn't worth the effort.

By that time, guys have taken on the habit of not staying.

taapy234 · 2021-09-20T04:34:25+00:00

Its a classic example of a man clocking out. Not really a new phenomena anyway. Its been a long time in the making that only gotten worse after 2012.

Root cause of this issue (within the context of this sub) is gynocentrism in the west that makes them feel worthless. So in order to protect what little self esteem left, they become avoidant and refuse to save any relationship with the opposite sex. I do this sometimes too.

You can never solve this problem for as long as the current feminist zeitgeist exists today in our modern western culture.

Not to mention there are also other causes too: Income/wealth inequality, home ownership becoming extremely unaffordable for a sizable portion of populace, disposable culture (disposable plastic wrecking havoc in the environment, disposable relationships (FWB's), climate change, globalization causing job displacement for millions of men, etc these things are off topic to discuss in this sub.

CloudBerryPunch · 2021-09-20T01:48:52+00:00

I think he is too interverted for most relationships. That just means he's going to learn to be OK being alone. It's not a bad thing it is just not seen as normal in society so it feels weird to him.

Perseus_the_Bold · 2021-09-20T02:57:29+00:00

Right here 🖐🏼

I'm too comfortable being alone, so much so that I am not even in the market at all.

Start by asking why do you want a relationship in the first place? What need, or more specifically, what void is this action going to fulfill in your life? Something is compelling you to seek a woman even though you claim to be happier alone. Something doesn't add up because if you truly enjoyed being alone you would be on my boat, single and glad of it. The prospect of dating would only be a mild temptation but not a real sense of urgency if you are happier alone.

Flying solo the rest of my life seems sad

Is it? Why do you think so, if you've flown solo all this way? This is why relationships cause you stress and anxiety because being single and by yourself is all you've known, to change that now seems unnatural so your psyche fights it.

Growing distant from people is a natural part of aging for a lot of men. Don't believe the feminist bullshit that "we all need companionship and to hold hands and sing kumbaya!" If you feel like being alone then be alone, when you feel like socializing then socialize. Never let society dictate your emotional needs to you.

Women's social needs are what has been normalized in society to the point where men's own needs are constantly invalidated and men feel pressured to socialize even when it is not natural or healthy for us to do so. A man can be happy with very few friends and with few and spaced out social contacts. A lot of men, I'd guess about half, enjoy their solitude. Solitude is therapeutic to most men but we live in a culture where women's psychological needs are the "norm" so whenever men do not emote the way women do we are called aberrant and anti-social.

PickleLine · 2021-09-20T02:23:26+00:00

Yes, many women are toxically judgemental and close minded about men's behavior, so men always feel like they have to act a certain way and can't be themselves. Men can't just relax around a date unless they're Chad or they don't care about her

SunHatGoddess · 2021-09-20T01:40:40+00:00

Jesus. He’s doing the world a favor by opting out. Say thanks and so long.

chilikettlechips · 2021-09-20T01:35:42+00:00

DAE??????

Yaaaaassss kuhweeeeeeen

Happens all the time there. That sub is validation enabling nonsense.

NockerJoe · 2021-09-20T05:30:05+00:00

Seen this from a few women both obline and IRL too. Its not gendered behavior.

XtoDoubt · 2021-09-20T01:31:20+00:00

I'm not here to tell men and women what to do. All I would ask is that you make an informed decision whether to date or not, and not just make up excuses to protect your ego when you realize that improving your life is hard.

ToughAnswers · 2021-09-20T00:51:42+00:00

apparently the mods told me to repost because copy and pasting is low effort lol okay so ummm first off i see this a lot with men ive dated. they like me then ghost/flake. ive posted about this numerous times on this board and i get a bunch of RP men saying "stop fucking chad" or "hes talking to multiple girls" then i see this post on DOT and it aligns so much more with my reality. so what gives? i really do think men have women, but due to PTSD and other mental health problems, they ghost and flake. i think most ghosting is due to THIS and maybe like 10% of ghosting is due to pumping and dumping.

Well it's ghosting... silence is silence, so

aligns so much more with my reality.

Might be wishful thinking

Or it might not be

No way to know

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87AudreyHorne · 2021-09-20T07:01:08+00:00

I think he also just wasnt that into the girl he was seeing

The other thing is, he is trying to force himself to want what he doesnt really need right now so he turned dating into a chore. Of course he'd rather stay at home. It's totally fine that he's good by himself, that's not an issue to overcome. If he causally met someone he really likes one day, he'd be motivated. If not- he's ok

But he has some mental issues he mentioned here so I guess instead of being normal about this, he tries to pressure himself and then tries his hardest to avoid the chore eventually being too embarrassed to explain anything and just ghosting

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2021-09-20T08:55:57+00:00

i think most ghosting is due to THIS and maybe like 10% of ghosting is due to pumping and dumping.

Yeah i agree tbh. Pumping and dumping is rarer than most people think. I'm not sure that many people who try to date on the apps are really ready for a relationship honestly

michael1962-01 · 2021-09-20T10:01:06+00:00

Social interaction in any way can be anywhere in between frustrating to superb.

If a fem is not into you to the core things tend to be more frustrating.

So - just work on yourself. Rest follows.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-09-20T12:38:41+00:00

I'd say that's pretty accurate. A lot of people struggle with dating because it's stressful. That's almost the #1 reason considering that "stressful" can include a lot of things or situations that people might experience.

I have gotten used to being single for so long that I like being single. It possibly could be difficult for someone in this position to want to include someone else in their lives because that other person might only add to our problems instead of being someone else who makes life more enjoyable.

xFallacyx69 · 2021-09-20T13:00:42+00:00

Most ghosting is due to options, and the ghosted person not being one of priority. If a guy would rather be alone than with you, it doesn’t mean he likes you…

I don’t see how this confuses anyone. He’s coping with being low libido and not addressing it. The ghosted is coping with not being desirable enough and refusing to move on…

Cobra_x30 · 2021-09-20T18:22:33+00:00

LOL... So you think most men on the dating scene are neurotics with PTSD and that's why they ghost you?

I honestly think you have your percentages flipped.

Icy_Consideration905 · 2021-09-20T05:15:40+00:00

because if not for sex , men will kill women or put them in a zoo

Title	Lets discuss another datingoverthirty post "Anyone struggle with dating because it's too stressful and you're too comfortable alone?"
Author	Sudden-Double
Upvotes	20
Comments	99
Date	September 19, 2021 10:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/prhzgb/lets_discuss_another_datingoverthirty_post_anyone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/lets-discuss-another-datingoverthirty-post-anyone.1075500 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075500

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