Before you jump in to disagree, let me explain...

Most of us men seem (at least judging from online) to adopt a mate-finding strategy that is quite open-ended and random.

  • Immediate social circle
  • Online dating apps and sites
  • Workplace
  • College / university

You might say that this strategy is not open-ended; for example, the neighbourhood or online apps targeting your geographic location are limited, so that should be more "closed". But location limiting only reduces the number of people in your search space, not necessarily the quality.

(More on what I mean by "quality" later...)

IMO this thinking may be rooted in the dogmas of evolutionary psychology, e.g. the idea that men are out to "spread their seed" and are unfussed about where it lands. Many people bought into this theory (frankly ideology if you ask me) and proceeded to try and build their mate-finding strategy out of it.

But in the modern world, our true mate-finding interests as men are actually quite the opposite of the evolutionary-psychology theory:

  • Having children is expensive (in time and money), we prefer to avoid it
  • Being with a woman is risky (risk of false allegations, losing control of your emotions, etc), we prefer to minimise risk
  • Relationships with women conflict with other things we might care about (career, wealth, politics), we prefer someone similar to us not someone opposite of us

So IMO the modern situation calls for a totally different kind of mate-finding strategy.

Here the emphasis is on narrowing the search-space and searching for individuals who have a similar life situation and focus as we do. This enables a deeply empathetic meeting of minds and mutual re-inforcing of goals.

For example, if your interest is crypto and you want to found a crypto-based business, you should be limiting your search to women (or men if you're gay/bi) who have that same focus.

Note: Not just women who have a passing interest or attended a meetup or two. But women who deeply share your interest and passion and want the same things you want.

(* I'm just using crypto as one random example, I actually am not a fan of crypto at all, but it seems to be hyped so I'm just going with that for starters.)

This kind of relationship becomes mutually reinforcing, as each of you share with each other tips, tricks, ideas, network introductions, etc. I believe this is the model relationship of the future, as we move into a post-industrial world of low birth rates, dominated by high tech, networks and cognition.

PS. Yes, these kinds of people are hard to find. This is a radically different strategy from the previous generation. You have to think outsids-the-box. Your dream partner might not be attending the venues or scenes you're used to. They might be socially isolated in some rural area or in another country or part of an online community or a digital nomad, etc. etc. You may have to search in unlikely places.

PPS. This strategy could also be seen as non-competitive or even anti-competitive. Imagine if a lot of men did this. Then multiple couples might slowly form into communities of shared values, passions, interests, etc. Within such communities, it would then be easier for newcomers to find a partner. So we would get rid of this foolish competition over trivialities like income, status, height, body type, etc. and instead we would focus on whatever we're goals actually trying to achieve in life, with our partnerships being formed around those goals.

Am I wrong?