Asking a girl about what exactly went wrong and turned her off?

RoiOstrovsky · 2018-01-18T17:57:05+00:00

I've done that in the past, but I don't like doing it. Thing is, it's not always black and white so the reason she gives you might be completely false. Just keep on going, trying, experiencing, and the answers will appear in and of themselves in the right time.

violentmoreviolent · 2018-01-18T17:57:31+00:00

Yes, because she won’t be honest with you, and it makes you look desperate

_N1ng3n · 2018-01-18T18:56:40+00:00

I think that if you do this, it would be more appropriate to phrase it as a request that you’d be appreciative (but not expectant) of.

I’d be willing to answer this type of question if a guy said something like “No worries. That said, I’m trying to improve my dating game. Would you mind if I asked you if there was anything in particular that turned you off about me? I won’t get weird about it and try to change your mind, I’d just appreciate the feedback.”

I’d be more apprehensive if it was just a blunt “So what is it you don’t like about me?” because that’s a short and slippery slope into “fuck you bitch I think your a dumb whore for saying that I shouldn’t have shit talked my ex on date 1 lmao guess u can’t handle people who act real” and blowing my phone up and him making a fake craigslist escort profile with my tinder pics ya feel

Womens’ psycho radars have to be VERY sensitive so don’t take it personally if she doesn’t feel comfortable responding.

I also want to add that despite the fact that doing this may be humiliating, you have literally nothing to lose (assuming this is someone you’ll never see again).

iHasABaseball · 2018-01-18T19:57:58+00:00

Blegh. I've done it, but it's pointless. The plain fact is the attraction just isn't there at that time and there's no particularly logical explanation for why attraction didn't form or continue. Attraction can be influenced to some degree, but it's very primal in nature as well. It's not a logical experience. I mean, sure maybe it's something "wrong" with you, but who gives a shit? Find someone you're compatible with...don't change who you are just because some chick didn't align with it.

(Not suggesting you should never improve upon things, but you should do it because you want to, not because you got rejected and they specified why.)

lowlink · 2018-01-18T19:30:47+00:00

Girlzz are about feelzz, she won't give you a logical explanation, not one that will help you anyway. You don't look desperate asking, you sure do look clueless though. Think about it: the same reason her attraction is gone is the thing you're telling you can't grasp. Also you're like telling her "you both" know, which sounds like you're trying to force a connection and imply you two are an item, which would make her even more disgusted if she doesn't like you. And again makes you look clueless. A girl doesn't owe you anything, specially if she doesn't like you. This is why asking for feedback rarely works in that type of situation

onfire9123 · 2018-01-18T19:09:30+00:00

Do you ask the fish why they wont bite, too?

Trust me, they wont(cant) be honest with you.

lurkylurkers · 2018-01-18T19:43:34+00:00

It comes across as needy and unconfident, which was probably what turned her off in the first place.

Move on and improve yourself. Exercise, get a hobby, learn something new. Do it for you.

midnight_toker22 · 2018-01-18T18:02:02+00:00

I don’t, because they most likely will ignore it, and even if they don’t the probably won’t tell the truth anyway. Just move on.

enkae7317 · 2018-01-18T21:02:07+00:00

I don't think it's a bad idea, especially if you think the interaction is fully dead 100%. Something like, "hey so I know I messed up and you probably hate me now, but blah blah blah...etc"

I've gotten good feedback from girls like this before. I mean you're never going to see them again so might as well go the extra mile ya know?

ethical_pa · 2018-01-18T21:36:29+00:00

Males and females are different, and have different sexual selection strategies and so the rules of attraction are different.

Let's flip this. Let's say you're utilizing typical, alpha male, PUA reproductive strategies or whatever. You were having sex with a girl that was a hb6 because it was convenient, but something better came along and you decided to make some changes to your roster. She asks you what went wrong and wants an honest answer. How much room do you really have for honesty? Think about it. Are you going to tell her that you found a younger, better looking girl with no cellulite? Most people would come up with a nicer version of the truth. There is immense, internalized social pressure to do so. They are hiding that reality from themselves, not just the other person.

It's the same for a girl. Is she really going to give you an honest answer? Is she capable of giving you the female version of why she lost attraction? Probably not. She will give you a nicer story, that's more easily digested by a nice guy beta.

EDIT: Case in point, look at u/_N1ng3n 's answer. Her psycho radar has to be overly sensitive because of beta "nice" guys:

"fuck you bitch I think your a dumb whore <etc>"

She needs to protect against angry betas, and well, alphas wouldn't be asking this in the first place.

I'm using alpha/beta as a gross oversimplification, but you get it.

planned_serendipity1 · 2018-01-18T18:32:09+00:00

I think that a lot of people are not good at articulating why they do things. I think the utility of asking is not very high.

SwoleWitchDoctor · 2018-01-18T22:07:01+00:00

Can someone elaborate to me how this is needy? I don't see a problem with trying to pinpoint incompatibility you are ignorant to, if you do it in a polite way.

ls737100 · 2018-01-18T22:50:07+00:00

I actually did this recently and the girl is now chasing me. It impressed her I had the balls to ask for feedback.

weallwantsomethink · 2018-01-18T23:52:37+00:00

If there is a oppurtunity definetly ask. You can learn something valuable.

But a lot of girls had experiences with guys who want to debate why they are a good fit. This never works because it looks desperate.

Just say it is totally fine if you get rejected and than ask why she thinks you aren't a good fit. And than leave it at that.

iuliua · 2018-01-19T01:08:52+00:00

It's not a bad idea or good idea, it's normal to be curious but in my experience you will not get the answer you will want. Girls are driven by feelings, if you give a bad vibe(weird facial expressions, acting like a beta, laughing too much, trying to entertain her,...) she will get cold but there isn't one thing that she can point to you. Also in her mind it doesn't matter why, she doesn't like you anymore so she just leaves. You as a man are most probably making mistakes so you need the feedback but they don't care, it's your job to be self aware.

Chabubu · 2018-01-19T02:16:09+00:00

Asking her that tells her that she made the right choice.

If you don't know why she lost interest, then you are unaware of how you either came on too strongly, seemed too clingy, came across as a beta male, tried to suck up or be a pleaser, or you simply don't have enough going on to make you appealing to other women so that you're stuck thinking about her.

Take your conversations, whether text or phone, and your interactions, and list them here and guys that know how girls behave will be able to give you an answer. A girl often doesn't even know why she flakes. It's all emotional, not logical, and you didn't produce the right emotions to get her coming back. She may not be able to tell you why it didn't feel right...

1vibe · 2018-01-19T02:27:57+00:00

You probably already know....

Maikolitocs · 2018-01-18T19:56:33+00:00

The reason for a girl turning off is always the same, you being needy. If you aren't needy there no reason a girl that liked you will stop liking you out of nowhere.

Insertopinionhere · 2018-01-18T20:52:48+00:00

Honestly she probably wouldn’t be able to tell you why. Liking somebody isn’t a conscious decision. It’s an intuitive decision.

The same applies for guys or girls. You don’t punch in all the data and then you decide “I like them”. It’s an intuitive process where you feel somebody out and then you just sort of know.

If somebody asked you why you would probably say “IDK, he’s just cool” or “I’m not sure but I got a weird/bad vibe”.

Just try and be more mindful the next time and conscious of how you’re making people feel.

Lord_Augastus · 2018-01-19T01:06:51+00:00

Its called seduction for a reason. There isnt a specific criteria that in the end does it for her, unlike a job interview. So asking for feedback is useless, youre better off teying to date of teying to date your friends, as they might give and honest opion, as a stranger she has no obligation to you, even after you slept together and gone on dates....

Laimis666 · 2018-01-19T01:46:27+00:00

As long as you realise that it's over, it should work to get an answer and learn from your mistakes but definetly depends on her personality. Some won't want to crush you so they will avoid answering. If they get laid often or is open minded, she most likely will tell you.

Steve_Savage · 2018-01-19T02:59:37+00:00

What do you have to lose?

martyrmachine · 2018-01-19T10:21:13+00:00

don't do it. Waste of time.

If you're asking her "hey babe, uh what killed your interest?" or thinking about asking it, you have the answer -- you kill interest.

Ragondux · 2018-01-19T10:36:56+00:00

It reminds me of something I heard recently on Tim Ferriss' podcast. I think the person talking was Terry Crews.

He was explaining how, when he needs to fire someone, he first explains that there is not chance for the guy to win his job back, so no reason not to be honest. Then he asks for feedback about how he could have done better to make it work.

For relationships, it seems easier to do if you're the one who ended it. If you were dumped then the girl will probably feel pressure not to be too honest.

DrBalance · 2018-01-19T14:54:30+00:00

It's unlikely that she even knows, so even if she did tell you 'honestly' (as in what comes to her mind) it wouldn't be the real reason.

hunterpua · 2018-01-18T18:51:12+00:00

If you wanna fuck her its a bad idea but if you want to learn then its an ok idea.

The reason I say its just "ok" if you want to learn is because in my experience they don't usually answer the question.

I prefer to do the post sex interview instead as they usually are more open to answering these kinds of questions. I know the insights can be skewed because this is a girl that was attracted enough to sleep with you but if a girl that wanted to fuck you spots holes in your game then those holes must be pretty big.

ImJustSo · 2018-01-18T20:06:55+00:00

Would Don Draper ask her this question?

LingeringGnome · 2018-01-18T21:07:27+00:00

It's a terrible idea, and infers you don't do well with women to a woman who still may come back to you as long as you give her space.

An emotionally-centered male will simply move on to his career or other options rather than go into negative/drama talk with failed lovers.

PaulAtreidesIsEvil · 2018-01-18T23:26:39+00:00

asking women what you did wrong is a good way to never find out and never think better.

Title	Asking a girl about what exactly went wrong and turned her off?
Author	dondraper36
Upvotes	48
Comments	60
Date	January 18, 2018 5:27 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7rbb2g/asking_a_girl_about_what_exactly_went_wrong_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/asking-a-girl-about-what-exactly-went-wrong-and.1440276 https://theredarchive.com/post/1440276

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