[FR] Fourth date from OKCupid. Epic fail. Urge to kill rising... rising... falling... rising...

bluntspeaker · 2011-12-12T05:15:34+00:00

I have nothing constructive to add here, but I just want to say that it's nice to see some FRs detailing something aside from "80 F-closes, 300 #closes HBs throwing panties at my face while a HB9 wrote her number on my junk" etc.

It sounds more human and makes me feel a bit more in touch when I know there are other dudes out in the field gettin shot down too. Rock on brotha.

Fudgeworth · 2011-12-12T04:43:08+00:00

I'm not a fan of dinner dates for first dates, nothing good has ever come of them for me.

I prefer meeting at a bar with tables for a few drinks. I get the first round and then if the girl is worth a damn she will offer to get the second round. If the conversation is lacking and no attraction it is easy to end the date. If we are hitting it off, I will try to get her back to my place.

sphinctersayhuh · 2011-12-12T06:04:34+00:00

"She sat across from me at the restaurant, and I moved next to her with the line "I'm going to sit here so this doesn't feel like an interview."

Some may disagree, but I've always felt the sitting next to each other to seem a bit forced. eye contact during conversation is tough and uncomfortable. I've seen couples doing this while out with a lady and ask her opinion, 90% of the time they invariably find it creepy.

Otherwise, big ups to you for getting out into the game and trying, keep putting yourself out there, you'll find your niche.

punisher1005 · 2011-12-12T05:34:51+00:00

This was rough, but you can think about it this way. You won't make some of these same mistakes again. Here are some quick observations:

1) Go to a sushi restaurant on your own. Order a couple of rolls and learn what you like. Be able to order them next time you go out.

2) Learn to use chopsticks. It's easy if you actually do it a few times.

3) Obviously try to avoid situations where you are out of your element. You fucked up by not picking a new location when you knew the restaurant was closed. Unless your frame was awesome and you were in a good space mentally to roll with the punches, you set yourself up for disaster.

4) Blaming the shitty date on the chick by saying you didn't find her interesting was a cop out. The date wasn't fun, therefore she wasn't having fun.

You need to work on frame and state going forward. If you are feeling nervous and it feels obvious, just say so right away. Saying something like, "Oh man I'm nervous, isn't is kinda nerve wracking meeting people for the first time!?" will take a lot of the edge off.

Making jokes about it can make you both laugh.

Good luck man.

SilentLettersSuck · 2011-12-12T05:49:00+00:00

Learning a lot more from this FR than all the other success stories. Thanks!

thbt101 · 2011-12-12T06:59:06+00:00

About #4 about the drink... a lot of girls feel awkward if they get an alcoholic drink and the guy doesn't. Not a big deal, but I would have ordered a beer or something too. You don't even have to finish it if you don't want to.

KacorInc · 2011-12-12T05:29:33+00:00

Next!

joeggernaut · 2011-12-12T05:19:10+00:00

I'd say go ahead and talk about politics and geek stuff. If you're really passionate about it, that will come through and it will be very attractive.

BadReynolds · 2011-12-12T06:42:04+00:00

Seemed to me that you put too much pressure on yourself, buddy. Not because you liked her, but because you wanted tonight to be a "success," whatever that may mean to you.

Remember that dating/seduction/whatever is supposed to be first and foremost fun. Always remember that no matter how boring someone is, there is always at least one fascinating thing about them. The key is encouraging them to reveal that. It could be just as easy as asking, "What's the most fascinating thing about you?" or "What's one thing you absolutely love (or hate) about yourself?"

Rather than being concerned with strategy/planning/what to do, concern yourself with losing each other in the natural chaos that occurs when two people get together. Or remember to make your weaknesses your strengths. You're clumsy? Great. After spilling something or dropping your chopsticks, lock eyes with her and with a totally straight face, just knock over the salt shaker or something. Be like, "Why not add one more to the list?" and smile. Defuse anxiety by injecting humor and in that way, she'll shift from potentially laughing AT you to laughing WITH you.

Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.

2011-12-12T05:57:59+00:00

Well, first of all if she drove 30 minutes to get to your house there was probably some initial attraction.

Look, you said that you were a bad conversationalists and had nothing to talk about but then said SHE was the boring one. Maybe your the one thats boring. Chicks don't give a shit about logic, you need to force feed her emotional stimulation, more kino, stories, tease/challenge her a bit. Im not necessarily saying DON'T talk about geeky things, because you can pull it off and look cool if you have enough congruence and enthusiasm. I do this, some people say i'm wired (they dont mean it, and if they do there chodes), but I look pretty alpha doing it.

Today I was getting eggs in line and I just started talking to some chick about evolutionary biology and how muscles regenerate, it went something like this: * Her: Hi

Me: Hey, how're you?!
Her: Good, you?
Me: I'm fucking AWESOME!
Her: laugh
Me: I had to start eating this waffle in line, I had to jump start my metabolism.... I went off on a tangent at this point about how the metabolism works and how it evolved to be that way. I did it with alot of enthusiasm and congruence though; thats how you talk about what you like (geeky stuff and politics, which is cool in my book) and still create attraction. Some people will think your weird (most girls like a guy thats 'offish', but you need to be offish in the right way) and thats totally cool, but some people talk to me and just understand how awesome I am.

Dude, seriously, next date you go out, go out with this mentality. Go out with the mentality that you dont care if you fuck it up, fake this attitude if you have to, tell yourself its for fun and to learn. Tell me how it goes mate,

Cheers -The ill behavior-ed

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes · 2011-12-12T05:31:07+00:00

Damn. Now I want some edamame.

Seriously though, don't sweat it. We all have off nights and maybe she wasn't a good fit for you anyway.

piratebroadcast · 2011-12-12T06:02:28+00:00

Don;t take it personally. Good for you for putting yourself out there mate.

2011-12-12T06:44:05+00:00

I had this problem all the time.

Now I'm dating a girl who loved talking about nerd shit and me being clumsy and aloof. No amount of pickup material could replace that, although I did a lot of kino and all that jazz to get her initially. Dinner dates are hard - we met at a mutual friends' bday party. A more fun environment helps.

I dunno. Find a girl you like and who isn't boring, and seddit material will come a bit easier.

2011-12-12T08:24:53+00:00

Needs more simpsons quotes

2011-12-12T09:02:22+00:00

My thoughts. Lately I've been really thinking about the concept of 'living in reaction' to the environment. This is all from the blueprint by rsd (around part 12 from the torrent). I believe this is one, if not the most important, of all gaming and being happy as a man.

You see, you can break down each little hiccup and convince yourself that that was the problem... but it was not. All those things, if you had the right frame, would have been funny and added value and humor to the date. Not knowing how to use chopsticks? who cares. that's funny. start stabbing things like a neanderthal. Eating the peas whole is funny too. Restaurant close, awesome! go exploring. be spontaneous.

Anyways, the point is that you are being reactive to the environment... letting it dictate how you feel. Same goes with the conversation. You are looking for her (part of the external environment) to provide you interesting material instead of just self amusing yourself and having fun.

If you want to get to the next level, you need to 'draw state from within' and not be reacting to your environment. No matter what terrible thing happens, you should just be happy. If she doesn't give you IOIs to validate you, so what? If you are looking for IOIs you are living in reaction (big epiphany for me).

tl;dr Don't live in reaction. Stay out of your head.

ferveo · 2011-12-12T14:24:41+00:00

Just came across your FR... DON'T DO DINNER (first) DATES!!! Man, you must be a masochist to put yourself through this. You would have been much better off going out and doing something fun. Something you would be doing anyway without her and that you are good at. Then ask her if she'd like to join while you had her on the phone. This way, you are showing her a good time and coming off as C/C (confident and competent). If you don't have activities that you are good at (and fun), step up your game and find some.

Dictate the terms and control the experience of any woman fortunate enough to be around you. Bring them in to YOUR world, don't try to be part of theirs.

puaCurveBall · 2011-12-12T16:55:55+00:00

that I couldn't find any excuse to touch her.

Read This, you don't need an excuse.

No one cares about the chopsticks, peas or soy sauce. You are human, she is human, that's all that needs to be said.

A big part of conversation is to figure out why you find something interesting, and be sure to get that across when you talk about it. You can talk about geek stuff and politics, as long as you can speak passionately about it and can convey what about it you find so interesting, so that she can find it interesting as well.

robotfoodab · 2011-12-12T05:47:05+00:00

Did you take out the same girl I took out last Friday? Cuz it sounds like she's boring everyone on Seddit while not picking up equal parts of the bill and then flaking on a second date. OkCupid is always a toss up. Dude, I think you did fine. Don't be afraid to talk about geek shit. Most girls dig a smart guy. I mean, you know the proper spelling of "faux pas". Who wouldn't want you?

phallic_audio · 2011-12-12T06:30:23+00:00

who cares if you have limited topic to talk about. Geek stuff is ok as long you own that topic and make sure you find a way to make her able to relate to whatever you are talking about. Politics is cool if you focus more on the ideas rather than the people. Don't be judgmental and again, make sure you're able to connect the topics to something she can relate to.

And if you're not interested. Just treat it like you're practicing. If things go well, you have a new friend. If not, at least you got to practice some concepts.

I'm still a noob with these things in spite of starting way back in the day.

I still say good job for actually going through with it. BTW you might wanna start hammering the concept of outcome independence in your brain. It will help a great deal on curbing that urge to kill feeling.

geek_in_a_suit · 2011-12-12T07:59:35+00:00

You did the right thing. You followed your gut. You didn't do anything wrong on the date. If she liked you, she would've compromised maybe even find the fidgeting "nervousness" cute. Based on how you're telling the story, you knew her heart wasn't in it and as a result you're not attracted to her. You did good; especially not losing sleep over her and knowing you're simply not attracted to her. As Jay-Z once said, on to the next one.

averynicehat · 2011-12-12T08:21:14+00:00

Not too bad. Bad dates are good learning experience. You've got a better idea what to do and not do, and the next time you'll be more at ease and able to focus on having fun.

Don't worry about ordering an alcoholic drink with dinner, but stop there. You should be secure enough with your choices to do what you want.

Like others say, stay away from dinner dates. I stay away for at least the first few.

goose90proof · 2011-12-12T13:28:41+00:00

Truth is, I didn't really like her anyway. I found her somewhat boring, which is why I couldn't think of much to say. She also seemed kind of stuck up, which I found intimidating.

I don't intend to sound arrogant when I say this; but, I, like you, have a problem making conversation with 'dull' or 'boring' women. I consider myself an intellectual person. I like deep and often intense conversation that borders on argumentation, yet always retains an unspoken, but understood level of respect for differing opinions. Maybe it's because I like to talk about more educated things like politics and tech. I like to talk about music too which always seems to set an interest at first, but no one seems to be as into it as I am (music is my passion) and my musical tastes are classic for my generation. I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to women my own age. Maybe it's my culture. I don't know.

Anyways... I kind of rambled off there. I just woke up. I forgot to say what I originally started to comment on. I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You stayed objective to your plan and that's what is important. You made some clumsy boo boos. No big deal. I'm clumsy also. You played it off with jokes that I'm assuming were tasteful and you never stepped over any boundaries. She just wasn't interested and that's to no fault of your own. If you found her very attractive and want to push for more, start pinging. If you do, remember short messages.

thedangerboy · 2011-12-12T16:42:38+00:00

One piece of advice I will share: my go-to topic when meeting any girl for any reason (seduction or just chit chat at the office) is college. I had a great college experience which was varied from the insanely fun and dangerous to more insightful, artistic pursuits. I can discuss almost any topic under the sun when I relate it to college and of course, many girls have had similar experiences as well.

Talk about sports, talk about social activities, talk about trips, talk about academic pursuits, whatever.

2011-12-12T16:48:30+00:00

Good job posting an FR and going for it! Sounds like you just need to relax, get more experience {which in turn will help you calm down and relax} and just assume the best, social dynamics is a self fufiling prophecy. It'd help a lot if you assume attraction and just assume that she's going to like you.

By the way, if a girl seems boring, one thing you can try is to get her talking by asking her deeper questions, ones that aren't Yes-or-no, like "Why did you decide to become an electrical engineer?" and what not.

RobotPartsCorp · 2011-12-12T17:16:07+00:00

I don't see the clumsy things being "mistakes" because you just have no control over that. Some people are just clumsy, some are not, and us clumsy people need to learn how to recover from it making it funny or whatever.

First, I am a chick, and I went on a date similar to yours where my date spilled soy sauce and ate the edamame. Although you would have been interested in me! Hah!

No but seriously, the guy I went on a date with was totally dorky and cute about it and self deprecating humor helps. It's the worst when a date does something they are embarrassed about and then makes a big deal about it or it gets them down. When I saw him eat the edamame wrong, I showed him how to do it and then told him how I did the exact same thing at first and shared a couple funny sushi-related stories. It's just gotta roll off you, it's not a problem if it happens, it's all about how you handle it.

And it probably would have all gone over better if you were into her and if there had been chemistry anyway.

Chalk it up to a learning experience. :)

JustAnotherAFC · 2011-12-12T17:29:22+00:00

A.) You said you weren't nervous but you certainly sound like you were, from an actions standpoint. Why?

B.) Why did you pick this as a date venue?

C.) What kind of things did you try to get her to talk about?

I hate dinner dates.

jimibulgin · 2011-12-14T20:42:20+00:00

Not having a drink is a little strange in my opinion. Would have loosened up your tongue a bit and possibly helped with nervousness.

One drink? no problem! Two drinks? go for it! But no more until you change locations.

Archerino · 2011-12-12T08:57:28+00:00

This is totally a troll post hahahah. Downvote me if you want, but not before a second read-through.

JustAnotherAFC · 2011-12-13T16:45:45+00:00

It's a little weird that you made her drive to your house instead of telling her to meet you at the restaurant.

Being in a car with someone you don't know is awkward to begin with, and now the first impression she has of your relationship is sitting and staring while not talking, and and not kinoing. It sets a bad frame. (...unless you're really good at holding conversation and kinoing while driving.)

There's been a couple okcupid dates that required me getting into a car with a girl, where, before we started driving, I said something like "Let's sit here and talk for a minute first. I want to make sure you're not creepy before I let you in my car. :p" just to avoid the awkwardness of attempting car conversation.

I don't really see any PUA techniques being discussed in the FR. Did you do any push/pull, qualifying, DHVing? How much have you read about having conversations?

Also, if she was talkative on the phone, but not in real life, maybe your body language is bad.

JustAnotherAFC · 2011-12-12T11:09:08+00:00

Urge to kill? Get a therapist man.

Title	[FR] Fourth date from OKCupid. Epic fail. Urge to kill rising... rising... falling... rising...
Author	JustAnotherAFC
Upvotes	75
Comments	107
Date	December 12, 2011 4:20 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/n99j3/fr_fourth_date_from_okcupid_epic_fail_urge_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/fr-fourth-date-from-okcupid-epic-fail-urge-to-kill.1325758 https://theredarchive.com/post/1325758

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