Here we go again. Same problem many of us have. Huge oneitis. Again. Why? How do we stop it?

MK2718 · 2019-11-26T16:58:21+00:00

Most young males operating in a scarcity mindset catch the disease Oneitis at some point in their young adult lives. If not promptly caught and cured, Oneitis can take years away from one’s life. You can pour all your time and energy into a lost cause instead of using it to improve yourself. Having suffered myself from a very dire case of the disease, I am accustomed to the symptoms. The symptoms of Oneitis can include:

Spending an abnormal amount of time thinking and obsessing over one girl.
Believing that one girl is completely different from every other girl that you have ever met.
Believing that one girl is the most beautiful girl in the world.
Believing that there is no other girl for you but her.
Believing that no one else could ever match the love that you have for a girl.
Believing that a girl is absolutely perfect and could do no wrong in your eyes.
Putting a girl before everything else in your life.

An additional symptom would include not seeing anything wrong with holding the above beliefs. You may believe that if a girl only truly knew how much you cared about her, that she would love you in return. However, this is not the way attraction or love actually works. When you truly love a person, you do not need anything from them in return. Arriving at this realization took me years and was the most painful lesson that I have ever had to learn. There is no such thing as “the one,” but only people who are more or less compatible together. Love is something you build, not something you find.

While I have no doubt that the feelings which you have are genuine, these feelings originate from a place of scarcity and fear. You may mistake the burning desire you have for a woman as the being the truest form of love. Fear resulting from scarcity infiltrates the heart and amplifies certain emotions to an unhealthy level. If this is the first time that you have ever felt this way, then you may be terrified of losing the woman for whom you feel these feelings. You may fear that you may never again feel this same way about anyone else. The truth is that you may be right. However, this is not due to you having lost out on the love of your life, but to the fact that you no longer live in scarcity. Once the scarcity mindset is removed, you can find someone with whom you can have a relationship with that is built on positive emotions, instead of the hidden underlying emotions of loneliness and fear.

Now looking back, having my heart broken was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. Had a need based relationship instead ensued, I would have never become the person I am today. I would have unknowingly submitted to comfort and security rather than venturing out into the world to learn its truths for myself. I would have remained a weak man and never developed the deep self-love, self-confidence and self-reliance which are prerequisites to unselfishly loving another person.

Excerpt from the book: Fundamentals of Female Dynamics by Michael Knight

rich_god · 2019-11-26T16:59:18+00:00

The issue is : you develop feelings that are not reciprocated. When you do that, you actually disconnect from the other person. You're not building a relationship together, you're building your own fantasy of a relationship. You're thinking things like "I hope she likes me !", "My life will be so much better when we are in an official relationship". Those are projections, they give you feelings that are not based on anything real. You build yourself an idealised vision of your reality, and when reality hits back (the girl is getting bored of someone being too needy, too involved, not connected to her needs), you come back to your old life, which seems worse in comparison. The thing is, nothing changed, it's like being sad because you didn't win the loto when you already prepared the champaign. You're building your own deception.

So how to avoid this ?

First, you need to build yourself a life that you love, no matter the outcomes of your relationships. You should always be sure that even if all your romantic relationships ended right now, you would still be happy and fulfilled. That can be done through lots of things : involve yourself in hobbies you enjoy, have a fulfilling job, take care of your health and your body, spend time with family and friends, anything that makes you happy and doesn't rely on seduction. That way you will build an abundance mentality that is solid and that you can always rely on.
Make sure that your feelings are built on something real, not ideal. This is such an important thing. Relationships have steps : you meet, you get to know each other, you kiss, you have sex, you fall in love, you commit to each others, you make projects together... You need to make sure you two are synchronised. That means being as transparent as possible on how you feel, and be sure that there is reciprocation. Anything that you have not initiated is not to be considered. For example, you end up a date that went well in your opinion, and say "I would like to see you again", she says "yeah sure". That means nothing, you need to keep the eventuality that maybe she doesn't want to see you and just didn't want to offend you. But if she is the one saying at the end "I would really like to see you again", then great ! You know it's real. That doesn't mean you're gonna get married, but at least that step is made. If you have sex but you were the one initiating, it doesn't mean she will want to have sex with you ever again. Some girls almost never initiate. That means you need to talk and ask questions like "how do you feel about our relationship ?", "I'm starting to feel something for you and I'm wondering how you stand on this". Basically, it's never bad to talk about your relationship, especially at the start. Non-verbal clues are important too, like if she looks in your eyes in awe, or if she has a lot of desire for you. But verbal communication is key in a relationship and it will keep you grounded.
For everything you don't know, always assume the worst, and be open to the best. She didn't tell it was an amazing date ? Assume it wasn't. She didn't say explicitly she was excited to see you ? Assume she isn't. And be ready to ask for clarification. It's easier to have good surprise when you find out she actually likes you more than expected, than the opposite.
Own your feelings. They're yours. Nobody owe you anything. The fact that you are completely in love doesn't mean she has to answer you, or stop seeing other people, or anything. Your emotions have no control over other people. Only explicit commitments are binding. I she says "I love you" or "I want us to be exclusive", that's a commitment. Having sex together for 6 months is not commitment.
Give her space and freedom. We can't develop feelings for someone if we feel pressured to do so. The more freedom we have, the easier it is to get attached. Whatever you feel for someone, whatever you want to do with her, always leave place for her to choose what she wants and be true to herself. Synchronise with her rhythm. Don't expect anything else from her than being herself and if you really like her, you will have to like her fully, even for the things that are uncomfortable to you. Don't expect her to change to fit your box. Ask her often about what she wants and how she feels, what she wants to do with you, how she wants to be touched. Be caring.
Finally, be authentic. Be true to yourself. Say things when you think or feel them. Like "I really enjoy spending time with you", "I would love to spend this week-end with you", "I would prefer to be alone tonight", "I miss you". Without pressure, remember it's yours, but with sincerity. Don't close up and protect yourself because you're afraid of being hurt. Love is a risk, you can't have a relationship if you are not ready to take the risk of having uncomfortable feelings.

Relating is about connection. It's not about being happy, or filling that hole inside yourself. That's your job to fulfil yourself. Relationships are there to make you grow, to learn about yourself and to love yourself. Focus on sharing a beautiful experience with that person, on building something that you can be grateful for. Love is not about possession, it's about letting go. It's about offering yourself completely without expecting anything back. But if you have unbalance in the relationship for too long, you will actually disconnect, and your insecurities will take the lead. You're already a complete human being, anything else is a bonus.

I wish you the best.

recyclablebanthas · 2019-11-27T01:50:24+00:00

Meet a girl, start texting, start meeting her, develop feelings. 2 months later she stops texting. It hurts.

So right off the bat, you recognize you're in a pattern. And part of it involves you getting WAY too emotionally invested into someone who's clearly not on the same page.

You don't describe how far it's been getting though. How far has the physical escalation been going with these girls?

And also, some of the most important stages are being glossed over here, and if there were more information, we'd be able to help more. Can you elaborate on a few things?

How are you typically meeting girls?
What sorts of things do you text a girl?
What do you usually do for your meets with girls?
What do you usually talk about with girls? How do you come up with your conversation material?
How long does it take before you're getting attached?
Are there any common behaviors or signs you're seeing right before the girls are dropping off?
Are they all ghosting?
What does your social life look like besides your dating?

HanEyeAm · 2019-11-26T15:53:44+00:00

If you are developing feelings for someone through just texting, you have to back that off. Your mind is probably filling in lots of gaps regarding who you think she is. Keep a casual mindset until you really get to know her.

Two months of texting is a long time. There is no reason to wait that long to get together, unless you want to have a fantasy relationship and avoid potential failure when you meet. Don't do that to yourself (or her).

attracted_to_herpes · 2019-11-26T19:20:59+00:00

man it's kinda sad how many people are looking at this like it's a damn mental illness. you're a young man who's developed feelings for a nice, presumably beautiful girl after spending time together. when did this stop being the most normal thing in the world and started being some kind of problem that needed to be solved?

don't get me wrong, if she doesn't want to spend time with you then you should forget her and find someone else, but you can't keep yourself from having feelings because empathy (and as an extension of that, love) is the most important thing in any social interaction and unless you're antisocial, which there's no way you are if you experience such a thing as a "oneitis", you can't repress that.

Authentic-E · 2019-11-26T14:59:48+00:00

Abundance mentality

2019-11-26T19:12:49+00:00

Oneitis is natural when you do not have many girls in your arsenal to begin with. If you know you haven’t had much success in the past then it’s only natural when a girl actually likes you to want to not do anything to scare her off. I find this to be the problem with me. In these situations, I find self respect is more important than pleasing a woman. If she is doing things that are not aligned with the values I have, I cut her off regardless of how many women I have in my rotation. Say she is late on the date. Then I would leave the date because I see that this woman has no respect for my time and I value my time so why would I be with a woman who doesn’t respect my time? Thus, the solution is to have more self respect that doesn’t rely on external factors but internal factors to develop.

_Jake_The_Snake_ · 2019-11-26T20:19:57+00:00

start meeting her, develop feelings. 2 months later she stops texting

INFO - what does "start meeting her" mean? Did you date? Did she know it was a date? How did they go? Did you hook up? The easiest answer is that she was interested and you didn't escalate or just have a lackluster personality. There's nothing inherently wrong with oneitis (unless you are fundamentally opposed to monogamy) but you need to be sure you're ready to invest feelings into the person. That's where the issue is. Someone who is insecure in themselves will invest their emotions too quickly--probably before they know enough about the person to even know whether or not they should be getting emotionally involved. The other issue is that in the 2+ months didn't you see anything wrong with her? Sure maybe all of these women are overall great but it always helps me curb my feelings when I see orange flags and then I stop, take a beat, and test to see if this is someone that is going to treat me as well as I deserve to be treated.

cctwb61 · 2019-11-26T20:46:50+00:00

Any time I feel I'm getting oneitis or that I'm prematurely attaching myself to a woman, I have a couple of techniques:

1) I reach out to friends instead of her to reconnect and have talk with them. Women may come and go; keeping connected with friends will make you grounded and enrich your life regardless.

2) I fill my schedule with fun shit that doesn't involve her. I make room in my busy schedule for her like she's one of many parts of my life. Until you've actually been going out for a bit, there's no reason to focus all of your energies on someone who you have absolutely no clue will continue things with you to a date, let alone the next one.

3) I go to music shows and clubs to remind myself she is only one of millions of women I could be compatible with or attracted to. And I talk to EVERYONE. Doesn't matter if it's a pack of dudes, a married couple, a trio of women out on the town...I'm having fun; I'm a one man party who wants to live his best life and help everyone else do the same.

4) Also, flip the script on this woman you're obsessed with. Treat it like a job interviewer where you're running your own business. Your baby. Your lifeblood. Make her prove herself to you. Hold back. Let the interviews play out. The first weeks on the job also. Does she TRULY fit with you? What her disqualifiers?

kerri58 · 2019-11-26T21:25:11+00:00

Don't text, spend time with the person if you both wish to do so.

cctwb61 · 2019-11-27T00:20:29+00:00

I’m old in age, young in heart. I qualify in responding to this sub from having been in this exact spot 5.5 years ago. I’m 58. It happened with the girl of my dreams and only last two months. Little back ground. I’m 58. I’ve lived in several states in the US and abroad. I served 21 years as a special operator I an elite military career field, worked in Signals Intelligence as a contractor and then a self employed operative for a government agency for 3 years. I was married for 23 years and have two children (grown boy and girl who have their own children). I played the circuit chasing women for 8 years, first 8 years of military. High school, I dated two of the most gorgeous girls. I was brought up in a broken family without a male figure in my life. I was angry, did not believe in my self and was jealous as all can be. But, for some reason I had charisma and decent looks. My bad boy image was ... attractive I guess in HS because both GF were from successful families and I guess they thought they could change me or help me in some way. I remain in contact with one of them today. The second, we tried to date after I divorced and it was a wreck! I became an alcoholic after leaving the military. So at 53, I got sober and two months later met the girl of my dreams. My confidence was high. She was 13 years younger and a ex dancer with a killer bod and looks. She was head over heals for me.... until. She let me know one evening that she could not be my GF. She told me it wasn’t me and that she just couldn’t be in a committed relationship. I was crushed. She was the only one for me and I would never meet another like her. My confidence began crumbling and I thought about drinking. Thought but did not. Then I really began to learn about myself. Fear. What? That’s right Fear. Everything that ever happened bad to me came form fear. Fear I would not fit in with new people, fear she would say no, fear I was not good enough, fear I might fail, strung thru my whole self was fear. I was like, I’m not scared of nothing! I’m a SOF operator and operative dam it! I’ve been in war, 5 times! How was fear ruining me? Well, it was true. I was a self confident Combat Controller certified joint terminal air controller, jump master, combat dive supervisor, expert marksman and a Team Leader for one of the nations most elect force! But I was fearful of all types of things like I mentioned above. When I lost that girl of my dreams I was fearful I wasn’t good enough, fearful I would not find another, fearful I would be alone... ,

Fear- generated from my mind about all things unknown. How will I be accepted when I meet a new person? Unknown

My ego and mind were very strong and knew exactly what it needed to survive. Control every situation I found myself in! I can’t control how someone feels about me. Takes my ego to fear.

Where was I safe. I was safe and felt whole when looking back. When I would think back about the girl of my dreams it was nice. But realizing she is not with me now caused pain. Pain comes from the ego/mind not being able to control something. Which is either future events or past events. Pain equals fear because it means my ego is damaged or conceived to be damaged by not controlling a situation and is now in a state of unknown!

The only place I could be is right here, right now. But my ego and mind operates in the past and the future. My ego and yours can not operate in the present moment, it’s impossible. Because right this moment it is my being, my true self which is opposite of mind and ego. The mind and ego wants nothing but to grow and survive. My being just is and can not be a part of anything.

Emotions- physical response in the body to what the mind/ ego think. That’s it. Emotions are a real thing because it’s a response to the mind. But the mind is not who you are. So you do t have to act on that emotion. What you do, is observe it, don’t fight it, see that it is a response to ego and it will subside. The more we do this the less emotional we will be, not a slave to emotions and become able to be in the moment and out of fear.

All of those symptoms that were listed for Oneitis,: think always of her, she is the only one, I will never meet another..... are all symptoms of the mind and ego. I forgot to say that the ego loves pain. It thrives on pain. The longer it can remain in pain the stronger the ego becomes. It’s a strake dinner for ego/ mind. No wonder all of those thoughts we designed to make us feel....pain!

So what to do? The first is not take a lot of advice on here. Which ones? The ones that teach and tell you how to play games. The ones that say chase as many women as possible so if one says no you can fall back to the one that says yes and you will feel better. Do you want a chick that says yes to every guy that comes along? Why would any girl feel special when she is one out of 10 that said yess. You can’t change how your parents treated or not treated you. You can change how you process that information. And if it cause you to be in secure change how you look at it. Your dad was trying to make you a man the only way he knew how. Your mom was being a mom and trying take care of every need. Not their fault at all. Search for those negative stories you tell yourself and fix those answers. Realize that all that BS is coming from your mind/ego and it is not who you are! They are defense Mechanisms your ego came up with to survive. And recognize that you are not the only one, your not weird, and every single person in this earth has issues, fears. And a self destructive ability (ego) to keep you from enjoying the most important thing of all, which is this moment right now. It’s all you really have. I’m all over the place here but it hurts me to see young men still suffering! And texting is not a relationship. Leave your house, go to see the girl and knock on her door. Talk to her, tell her you were enjoying the connection you were making and ask what happened. only from her mouth will you receive a reason why she stopped texting. Take that information and decide on your next step.

humanbuttplug69 · 2019-11-26T15:45:32+00:00

It’s in the way our brains are wired. If you look at the psychology of apes, men want to fuck everything but they still want to be monogamous. We’re cursed af.

I’ve never been able to find a way to fix it other than to just keep fucking around with girls I don’t actually like so I don’t get there lol. Or when you recognize the feeling, literally run. Cut things off then. Chances are, she’ll come chasing you anyway and maybe you can keep it in your head to keep up that chase.

Wretmans · 2019-11-26T16:00:18+00:00

If you actually like this girl, It’s not a problem. But if you only like her because you don’t have any other choise, go out more.

2019-11-26T18:01:34+00:00

You don’t know junk your good enough to get someone like that again. All stems from self belief.

RodrigoM1388 · 2019-11-26T18:24:15+00:00

This is so relatable, just happened to me. The girl was sending texts like she was hooked and then stopped all of a sudden

Deez05 · 2019-11-26T19:36:26+00:00

I just think of it as why dwell on them when they’re not thinking about you at all

SpinCity07 · 2019-11-26T20:23:30+00:00

Just gotta guard yourself and try not to dive in so hard.

ThatGuy_Nick9 · 2019-11-26T20:30:51+00:00

Stop caring, OP. It does wonders

Odz86 · 2019-11-26T20:38:19+00:00

Step 1) Read Mystery Method Step 2) Execute it

johnhello · 2019-11-26T21:02:34+00:00

Move on

Pm_me_some_love_bby · 2019-11-26T23:26:20+00:00

You have no idea how badly I needed to see this post.

theosamabahama · 2019-11-27T00:58:50+00:00

I've been through this multiple times this year. Each time hurts less than the previous one and I get less attached each time. I guess I have been building resistance to this. So, speaking from experience, don't stop trying. Keep dating and you will build resistance.

And to prevent yourself from getting attached quickly, repeat this mantra to yourself: "She is probably hooking up with other guys as well". When you accept this possibility (which is very likely to be true), you will stop seeing her as that special girl who is exclusive to you and you get less attached.

Also, feel free to cry, drink, eat and talk to someone about how you feel when she rejects you. Let yourself experience this pain and it will pass more quickly. And in the end, don't give up. We have to put one step in front of the other and keep moving forward.

mikejah · 2019-11-26T22:57:46+00:00

All the comments here are gold

MrMemper · 2019-11-26T21:30:28+00:00

I’ll bet you $10 you already know the answer. If you know what oneitis is then you know what gets you there. If you know what gets you there then you know what gets you out. Stop playin yo self and us

IAmTheTopCommentNow · 2019-11-27T00:43:30+00:00

Tbh oneitis is just human nature. We're programed to seek out a mate. With oneitis we generally get ahead of ourselves. It's hard not to when you meet someone new and you're excited about the prospect of a potentiatial girlfriend.

I've got caught up in it a few times before and the thing that helps the most is to try and meet new people.

Its also probably good to catch yourself in check before you let your mind wander down the daydreaming route. That's the real killer.

SpanishIntuition · 2019-11-27T00:53:02+00:00

It's the Sex. Make the sex as much about her as it is about you. Scented candles. Sandalwood incense. Bring a bit of dried mango and dark chocolate into the bedroom.

Give her warm backrubs. Use Xlube (comes in a black bottle and is non stick), or vitamin E oil. Kiss the side of the hip, then the outer thigh, then gently bite the knee or the back of the calve.

Play warm jazz music or something more intense depending on the mood.

Give her slow intense oral then speed it up. Tease her with your cock by only pumping it half way in instead of completely. Stop before climax. Go back to oral. Soft biting across the body.. sex again.. nearing climax just stop. Tease her with dried mango, dark chocolate, gentle kissing and soft biting.

Use emotion based language attached to sight, touch, taste, smell(the scent of a rainy night), sound.

AprilJenkins · 2019-11-27T01:02:48+00:00

Cause it’s just not meant to be.

miladlabomba · 2019-11-27T01:33:00+00:00

The way to stop oneitis: Immediately approach new girls and get new phone numbers to work on.

2019-11-27T03:08:58+00:00

Simple - approach more girls

And why are you texting for 2 months?

Set up a date and go meet her, ofcourse she will get bored by 2 months of texting without any physical escalation.

Joestamina · 2019-11-27T05:23:30+00:00

She just wanted sex . and no commitment . probably has life goals she wants to achieve before settling down .

itstherealcloud · 2019-11-27T06:52:35+00:00

Get more girls in your funnel. Keep yourself busy. Always strive to meet better and hotter. Work on gaining access to places where hotter girls go.

FINDTHESUN · 2019-11-27T07:38:11+00:00

I guess that's fine , cause cycles/patterns are everywhere no matter where you look , you have to learn to observe and ride 'em with style and dignity. No matter the relationship, they will stop texting at some point for this or that reason, or change in some ways or another every now and then. You find solace in the knowledge of nature of things. See through and Go with the flow :)

humanbuttplug69 · 2019-11-27T08:08:15+00:00

Life’s weird. I just like reddit so we can finger things out collectively

themainheadcase · 2019-11-27T08:10:24+00:00

This happens after you have seen the girl or start seeing her IRL or before you've met her IRL?

fixzion · 2019-11-27T08:38:56+00:00

Such wonderful comments

Eezay · 2019-11-27T10:08:52+00:00

Scarcity usually leads to oneitis, in my personal and observational experience.

But you shouldn't try to supress your feelings, rather you should learn how to move on and how to disconnect feelings/heartbreak from the other areas in your life. The problem isn't catching feelings for a girl, the problem is it destroying you if it doesn't work out or you throwing your life out of the window because you think that this girl is going to be your all and everything.

In an abundance mindset, you will be a lot less likely to do that, and you will thus also be a lot more likely to actually see the distinction between catching feelings and just being obsessed with a girl because she provides you something (affection) you have not received for weeks/months/years.

stuff_of_legend · 2019-11-27T11:51:30+00:00

You didn't give her the D bro that's problem

2019-11-27T12:32:13+00:00

Take things slow next time and make sure the woman is aware that you want to do this that way there is no confusion on your intentions. But you also have to back up those intentions with further action. This means no good morning texts, no I love you’s, no talking with her on the phone all day, everyday and definitely limit how often you are reaching out to her, if at all in the first two months. Women have a tendency to get men to grant them all the attention in the world so it’s up to you to stop her in her tracks and inform her that you just don’t have enough time to be at her every beck and call, initially, and that she must earn your trust in that regard. Best wishes and I look forward to hearing how successful your next one is.

TheIncantress · 2019-11-26T21:51:36+00:00

It’s not about no scarcity mindset 🤣 personally if you engage in trying to have a relationship with me I give you some time to court me & if you are wack at it-which most men are, then I give my time & attention to another person eventually..&courting is showing how much you really want me. take advice from a women, not a older man that thinks he knows how women think when he’s NEVER understood how women think which is why he’s bitter that no women choose him 🤦‍♀️ he goes for the broken women that “comply” or whatever bs he’s feeding you and those women aren’t even worth a damn ALL men don’t get this one simple concept that you have to go for the gusto or just go home.. I have no room in my life to choose a partner that will treat me average or below

Whopper_Jr · 2019-11-27T00:16:36+00:00

Abundance.

Title	Here we go again. Same problem many of us have. Huge oneitis. Again. Why? How do we stop it?
Author	Lord_EF
Upvotes	409
Comments	111
Date	November 26, 2019 2:03 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/e1ycpo/here_we_go_again_same_problem_many_of_us_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/here-we-go-again-same-problem-many-of-us-have-huge.1484730 https://theredarchive.com/post/1484730

Comments