Kissless virgin here, how do I stop that from keeping me down?

mattebball · 2013-12-02T04:49:34+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ruffyamaharyder · 2013-12-02T05:42:57+00:00

We were all kissless virgins. So what? It's not as big of a deal as you are making it out to be.

KidBill · 2013-12-02T06:14:37+00:00

You have the ability to trick your mind. Fake it 'til you become it.

I_Nick · 2013-12-02T05:48:14+00:00

Inner game man. Remember, you are the prize. Don't worry If you don't think you are good enough for a woman. Worry If she is good enough for YOU.

Hansmuh · 2013-12-02T12:17:25+00:00

Buy condoms, it will be like a symbol for your mind. “I'm going to need this in my life.“

throwawayokaymay · 2013-12-02T03:07:24+00:00

Are you sure no woman has ever wanted to kiss you? Seems like a long shot to me. You're probably missing signals.

If you are a party-goer, it's definitely not impossible to eventually find a girl that's interested in you. The key is to isolate her so it's just you two. And then just go for it. You really have less to lose than you probably imagine.

One thing you need to realize is the power of information. You are holding your cards close to your vest, and most other people don't know this information so you need to forget about it. It's easy to look at everyone around you and think 'everyone has it figured out'. The truth is that everybody has uncertainty in their life.

SirGuileSir · 2013-12-02T05:01:50+00:00

Every time you hear yourself saying "I'm a kissless virgin" do NOT fail to remember that there are girls out there in the same boat.

It's time to stop whining and go see to the ladies.

NewbieX2 · 2013-12-02T03:49:23+00:00

Your mind may be telling you that you're a kissless virgin, but it's only talking to you. The many girls you see out in day to day life have no idea what your past entails. You have a chance to start fresh with every new girl you meet, so take advantage of that! Other than that, it's probably best not to focus on your past in this regard. It's tough, but try not to let it eat at you. Just work on becoming the type of man you want to be and remember that new girls you meet have no idea how many girls you've kissed.

AJam · 2013-12-02T16:14:53+00:00

There's a lot of rehashed vague advice here, so hopefully you read this one, cause this will solve your woes.

I know where you're coming from. Woman can sense the desperation, and it's so hard to not be desparate when everything in life is about sex and relationships and your friends are all getting laid and seem to have these perfect lives -- and you would give up everything for a little intimacy in your life. I am just saying this to prove that I know where you're coming from so maybe you'll take this advice seriously.

I am not a fan of the 'confidence' route. Trying to force yourself to 'be' confident is a lot of work. You spend all this time trying so hard to fake confidence that it takes away from everything else. It takes away from your ability to enjoy life.

So here's something that helped me (I can't seem to find the exact quote and I apologize): over concentration prevents you from appreciating what's around you / enjoying life.

Look at this way, there's more to life than sex. A lot more. There are things out there that are just as enjoyable, but you're not enjoying them because of your focus on getting intimiate. You're focus should be on having fun. Just having a good time and enjoying life. You don't want to look back 20 years from now and see yourself unappreciating and wasting your youth because all you wanted to do was get laid.

I had a bad case of this. I didn't enjoy parties or going out. I did it solely for the purpose of maybe meeting a chick, but that was my only intention, and not only did it fail, I also didn't really have a good time because I was so absorbed in the one thing. Now when I go out, I FOCUS ON THE FUN. Appreciate the good times that can be had by drinking, partying, all that fun shit. When you have a good time, the women will come to you. You have a lot of parties and hangouts ahead of you, so give it a shot. You've got nothing to lose. Go out and enjoy everything. Enjoy the fuck out of everything. And also meditate before a party and it will wipe that over concentration and desperation right off of you.

I hope this helps and I'm sorry the post is so damn long.

Parmesan_John · 2013-12-02T05:18:02+00:00

Learn how to meditate. Just get a basic understanding and DO IT. Every. Day. You'll know when you finally "get it." Once you realize how you can control your thoughts, you can master your inner game. In my humble opinion, mastery of your inner game is all you need. In the absence of those negative and superfluous thoughts related to doubt and insecurity, you become invincible.

JUST_MY_OPINION_YO · 2013-12-02T19:26:55+00:00

I'm doing everything possible to procrastinate from writing a 12 page research paper due tomorrow. Soooo I suppose I'll write something that may or may not have been said in various posts throughout this thread.

Cut the shit. You're telling yourself that you're a kissless virgin? Essentially an unconfident loser? Well you can go fuck yourself. You're awesome, you're charming, you're smart.. HELL, YOU'RE DOWNRIGHT SEXY!! Even when you're not. I can tell you right now, the guys that talk the most shit and give the most advice on seddit still experience awkward situations from time to time. Times when they can't think of anything to say, or say shit that's fucking stupid, or aren't "feeling it" that night, or have 18 giant infected zits in the shape of a tiny crooked cock with huge balls on their forehead.

The difference is they keep fighting past it, they know that they're being awkward or "faking it" that night, but rather than dwell on it, they push it to the back of their minds and keep striking out until they get their groove back.

Every single one of us in this thread has the capability of having the same mindset that you have right now, every single one of us can feel down on ourselves for something. But..What's also true, is that every single one of us, INCLUDING YOU has the capability of being whoever we want to be. We can be the absolute best version of ourself, but it starts with you telling yourself that you're better than you were yesterday.

A common theme in threads like this or self help books is that you "just have to do it" whether that be to start thinking differently or literally get off your ass and start hitting the gym. This is absolutely true and in order to change anything you have to BEGIN to change it at some point.

What's less common to see in threads like this is that in order for you to change completely it's going to take some time. You don't just think to yourself "FUCK IT, I'M AWESOME!" and BANG you're suddenly this new guy with a new attitude and a new wardrobe and great pick up lines with a sick car and a boner the size of Malaysia. No, it takes time. It's going to take days, weeks, months and maybe longer (all depending on how long you keep holding onto the belief that you're inadequate) before you finally transform into whoever it is that you want to be.

This isn't only about kissing a girl (btw dude, you're fucking 20.. I know probably 30 guys that didn't kiss a girl until they were 21-22 and one was 27. Every single one of them have now kissed and fucked a girl. Every.Single.One. That's not to say that a select few do it wayyyy more than others. Either way, all I'm saying that you have time) this is about every aspect of your life.

You want a good body? START GOING TO THE GYM. You want your own business? START RESEARCHING HOW TO DEVELOP PRODUCTS AND MARKET THEM! You want to be confident and happy. START BEING CONFIDENT AND HAPPY.

Before you know it you'll be a ripped, happy and confident business owner.. who just may have kissed few wenches.

You the man.

SpearOfTheDragon · 2013-12-02T07:04:56+00:00

Have you tried to kiss girls? What happened?

BitchinTechnology · 2013-12-02T16:25:33+00:00

Women have wanted to kiss you AND bang you. You are just so inexpirenced you have missed the hints. Force yourself out there and you will learn to pick them up.. trust me

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2013-12-02T07:20:07+00:00

There's a first time for everything, man. Don't put kissing up on a pedestal over any other badass experience.

I've always had an ok time with women because I used to be outgoing and not old, so this whole thing came a little easier. But you know what this 31 year old spent the past month doing? Learning to ride a motorcycle. They scared the living piss out of me up until I took the class, but I went for it. My first time out on my own I fucked up on almost every turn. I stalled the bike in front of people and it was embarrassing. Practice makes perfect though. I took to the highway today for the first time and it was amazing.

Tonight I had another first in fact. I went to a pool hall alone, racked up a table, and this big, intimidating, mean-faced Harley dude challenged me. I've never been challenged by a stranger before. It's a small bar and this man had a real presence, so I kept catching people staring at us, waiting to see what would happen. I've been playing for maybe two months and this was clearly his realm, so I kind of thought he wanted to kill me after I beat him a couple times. But he asked to play at my table and he knew it. I told the truth about my skill level and I asked him about his bikes. The dude didn't crack a smile the entire time he was in the bar, but I think he respected me for not being scared of him. He taught me the lingo, we talked about bikes, and he gave me advice on "pool hall women" when the only hot chick in the bar challenged me for the table. Yes, I got k-closed and I got her number. It was honestly one of the coolest experiences ever, and it never would have happened had I been a pussy about it.

Bottom line, change your perspective. Put yourself in the position for other people to come into your world instead of the other way around, and you will be rewarded greatly. Value all new experiences equally, and your life will be filled with gratifying events. Don't die wondering. Live life, not desire.

Shorty89 · 2013-12-02T12:18:58+00:00

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING

Being a virgin is not relevant to who you are. Did you feel like a different person the first time you ate sushi? Kissing or having sex with someone is as trivial of an activity as any other and it only has meaning because YOU assign meaning to it.

RRjr · 2013-12-02T08:18:10+00:00

Two things:

Kissing and fucking isn't rocket science. In fact 9 out of 10 women are terrible at it. They won't even notice your status unless you tell em. You can stop being scared now.
Stop the self-loathing. Obviously, just from reading your comments here, I can tell you're drowning in it. Fix your inner game. And realize you being a virgin is neither pitiful nor is it all that uncommon. And face this: Technically speaking you can't even be a virgin cause you're male. You have no hymen. Stick your dick in and it'll be exactly the same after the show.

TheAtomicOption · 2013-12-02T16:25:43+00:00

most people here on Seddit seem to be pretty confident

Everyone seems amazing on the internet. Believe me we've all got insecurities and neurosis just like you. Not even the pros or naturals are perfect, but it gets better. Hang in there.

I've been going to the gym

Awesome! keep it up. At your age there will never be a time when it's easier to put on muscle than right now. Get your swole on.

my mind still is rightfully telling me I'm still a kissless virgin which gets rid of any confidence I have.

A lot of what's going on is attitude. When you figure out how to be happy, it will take a lot of the pressure off.

As others have said most women aren't great at kissing either, and pretty much none will be able to tell that you've never kissed someone before. Sex is a little more awkward your first time, but you'll get comfortable really fast. Again it's not something to worry about as a lot of women think it's cute if they can be your first.

Since you haven't kissed anyone yet that tells me you probably haven't been on many dates or any dates. Or at least not dates that were explicitly dates. Start asking girls out. Ask out lots of them. Repetition will give you experience and that will give you more confidence than anything else. If you make it explicit that you're romantically/sexually interested, your invite rejection rate will go up, but that's a good thing because you're screening for girls who are actually interested.

Even if you're not masterfully applying PUA methods, you're likely to get a kiss within a date or three if you just put yourself in a fun goofy mood and enjoy yourself on your dates. If you keep it up, you'll lose your virginity pretty soon too.

20 is a hard age regardless, but don't let that get you down. It gets better. I'm 29. My life is so much better now than it was then and it's still getting better. Eventually you'll only regret what you didn't do, so go now and do everything you can.

shokodemon · 2013-12-02T19:24:57+00:00

dude, life's about living it - women are secondary. go out, have fun, make friends and just talk to poeple. you'll meet people who find you attractive, and once you do, just talk to them.

being a kissless virgin is just something that effects you emotionally - avoid wasting time thinking about it, and more time just living.

Afeni02 · 2013-12-02T04:02:25+00:00

Work on your inner game

constructizord · 2013-12-02T04:13:47+00:00

Talk to any women you meet for as much as you can, even if its only friendzone. And try listening to them and being truly interested. And dont forget the power of a ridiculous come on. make em laugh and they'll love you, just not laughing at yoy, with you

rizzmatik · 2013-12-02T05:41:50+00:00

Just know that you're not alone, and there are others out there in the same boat. It always keeps my spirits up

madsmadsdk · 2013-12-02T10:25:51+00:00

Here's a couple of specific things I did when I was in the state you're currently in:

Start each morning, by looking yourself in the mirror and say out loud "Good morning, handsome!" - it will be awkward at first, but after a week it becomes second nature, and it'll boost your confidence. Nice!
Practice looking random people in the eye and smile. Also very hard at first, but I literally mean all people! Start with older people if you feel awkward keeping eye contact with people at your own age. If you want to make things interesting: Don't be the one who looks away first! You'll be surprised at the amount of positive feedback you'll get from this. Eye contact is so important!

These couple of things should be a good start, to improve your inner game.

Yayme74 · 2013-12-02T15:32:12+00:00

I've noticed since my high school and college days that girls are very reciprocal to a firm eye contact and a smile. Even if you don't approach girls at first, go out to a supermarket or mall or whatever store. Every time you see a girl, make an attempt to walk by her, and when you do, back straight, chest out a little, head up, and look her in the eye (don't look away, very very key) and just say hello and keep moving. After a few of these, you'll begin to notice most of these girls will also be smiling and saying hello back.

RXRob · 2013-12-02T17:28:00+00:00

No women has ever wanted to make out with or bang you? Do you know this for sure? Have you asked every single woman that you've met?

Sales 101 (I work as a salesman): Assume the affirmative. Everybody I meet wants to buy my wares or rock my bone until they tell me otherwise. This mindset allows you to relax, knowing that you're just just chatting and chilling before signing the contract or making the beast with two backs.

nomdeanon · 2013-12-02T19:06:37+00:00

"... seem to be pretty confident ..."

That's the operative phrase. When I first started learning about seduction, the most important thing I learned when just starting out was "fake it until you make it" That axiom gets shit on pretty often around htere, but the point is that you have to pretend to be confident in order to feel confident. Many things can help with this. First of all, your outward appearance has to be practiced. Dress +1 nicer than your competition. Find famous actors whom you most resemble, and emulate their casual wardrobe. They pay thousands of dollars to look stylish and casual at the same time. You can do it for free by doing a little research.

Learn how to smile. My trick for a disarming smile was to think about the cutest little baby asking to be picked up or hugged. This gives you a very compassionate facial expression. Learn about body language -- look at what confident men do when they project their manliness. Watch some james bond clips, especially when he's in tuxedoes. Notice how he stands, how he smiles, how he doesn't fidget or furtively glance around the room. Calm, cool, collected --> Confident. Add in smiling, and that gives you charming. Then throw in a dash of passion, and you're golden. Be passionate about something in your life, even if it seems boring, practice describing it passionately. Women love a man who (a) dresses well (even if he's ugly), (b) has goals and is passionate about anything, (c) is a confident and occasionally charming.

This may seem like a lot of "work", but this is really about finding the best version of yourself that you can be.

frasier_crane · 2013-12-02T19:21:40+00:00

Well, I didn't kiss a woman until I was 21 (I'm 30 now). I was an awkward, skinny guy. There's no magical solution, but just try to improve your situation rather than feel sorry for yourself. Just hit the gym often as you are doing, start dressing better and that will boost your confidence, and then build your game slightly, get used to rejection and don't take it personally. I really started to get women when I accepted rejection as a part of life. Maybe I get rejected 90% of the times, and if you let that touch you, it will sink you to the abyss of fear. Be brave, accept rejection and feel it as a bonus in experience, nothing more. Virginity doesn't last forever if the guy really tries, no matter how he is, so improve yourself, be brave and confront women, then accept rejection and enjoy your wins in the battlefield.

Reddit_SLC · 2013-12-02T06:45:02+00:00

Fake it until you make it.

Kissless virgin? 40 year old virgin? So? Who cares. It's what you act like that matters. Act like someone that has been there and done that. The chick is going to have no clue that you are a kissless virgin, trust me.

Babayaga20000 · 2013-12-02T07:44:34+00:00

I was the same till i took care of it last summer, but havent seen much action since then since im so busy with school. it really doesnt actually do much... like it never even happened. what im saying is its no big deal and nobody but you actually cares that much

2013-12-02T07:52:41+00:00

When it comes to that you just try your best. Everyone did on the first try. You can only fail if you think too much. Just let it happen when the time comes.

Kj0ttbiten · 2013-12-02T08:03:53+00:00

Just go out, have fun! That way you bound to end up meeting some one that kisses you, if you don't beat them to it.

Sabarot · 2013-12-02T08:28:31+00:00

There's some good advice in this thread OP. I'm going to give you some atypical advice. Take it or leave it. I wish you the best of luck.

Try approaching a middle-aged woman who, y'know, might be a little starved of attention. I've dated a couple of women (in superb condition, I might add) in their fourties when the opportunity presented itself and they were AMAZING experiences. They know what they're doing, they will tell you what they want, even if they want you to dominate them. There's a lot fewer games to play.

Now, what a lot of the 'players' in this subreddit will try to convince you of is, "No way, bro, fake it til you make it. You want hot chicks, right? Well you gotta come in there like you fuck hot babes all day, son! Act like you deserve stuff and you'll get it."

This advice is very useful for some. I would argue, the easily lead. And they attract the easily lead. Not judging - if that's what you want, go for it. Be happy.

However, if that road seems untenable to you, consider coming at it from a different angle. It certainly helped my confidence with younger women. Now when I talk to younger women, I'm thinking, "yeah, but are you going to be able to screw my brains out the way older women do?", instead of worrying, "Oh, I hope she likes me!"

russianphotograph · 2013-12-02T11:14:46+00:00

Might be useful to watch -- You are not alone

atli123 · 2013-12-02T11:38:16+00:00

You just have to act like no one has been worthy enough of your kisses, or anything more for that matter. The fact that you have "chosen" not to kiss anyone means that you have extremely high standards which should translate into women jumping through hoops to demonstrate higher value to you. You are after all a rock star ;)

zomgitsduke · 2013-12-02T12:15:26+00:00

Everyone was at that point in their lives and it seems to have worked out for them. Who cares if the first time sucks? The next time can only get better.

v1000 · 2013-12-02T13:11:01+00:00

I was in your shoes when I was 20 as well. I'm 21 now and have overcome that. This is a late answer, probably will get burrows in this sea of comments but I hope you get to read it. My advice to you would be all that I followed : * a good workout plan, a good diet * Nofap(this is big, don't underestimate it) * RSD videos on YouTube (their stuff is awesome, like a firm shove in the nuts to get you to take action) * Meditation.

JaNOMaly · 2013-12-02T13:15:15+00:00

you just need to start more kino. Or you need to be more aware of they way she responds when you do kino.

but you should learn to naturally escalate kino to kissing then kissing to fucking. she'll stop you somewhere. or not.

olafg1 · 2013-12-02T13:25:08+00:00

Be the man. Approach girls. Kino. Escalate. Go for the kiss. Get rejected. Then do it again until it doesn't scare you.

itsmevichet · 2013-12-02T15:35:06+00:00

Everyone starts out as someone that no one wants to kiss or bang.

Even the popular guys you see who are "getting all the women" according to your imagination, started out that way.

Some people catch a lucky break and learn what they need to know by just kind of stumbling through it and never experiencing low self-esteem or lack of confidence.

YOU, on the other hand, will need to learn the hard way like 90 percent of other people, myself included.

If you have to, remind yourself that everyone was a kissless virgin at some point in their life.

nobody2000 · 2013-12-02T16:36:46+00:00

Let me tell you about a story where I showed a great deal of balls (in every sense of the word), and it all worked out. This is the story of how I first had a sexual experience.

I was 16, horny, and full of piss and vinegar. I only made out with one girl, and the only reason it happened was because we were drunk at a party and was dared to in a game of Truth or Dare.

So months later, I was with my girlfriend at the time - we just started dating days earlier. This was the first time she was ever at my house, and we had not been dating for long. Come to think about it, we never kissed prior to this day.

We dated, and then talked 99% online (AIM). It helped that I learned that she was as horny as I was, but knowing this helped me a lot. YOU NEED TO ASSUME THIS OF ALL WOMEN.

I remember it was the first time we were hanging out. We were watching a movie at my house and I started awkwardly rubbing her back and we began making out. In a moment that I will NEVER replicate out of how stupid it was, I walked over to my door, shut the door, and whipped out my penis.

Luckily, she was into it. She jerked me off mostly, but blew me a little bit.

Anyway - the moral of the story is that:

I assumed that she was as horny as I was. Don't ever forget this piece. Ever. Assume that every girl you meet wants to have sex more than you do - they probably do - you just have to show enough value to make them select you. I forget this from time to time, and when I do, I usually blow it. When I remember it, I stand a real chance. It's my personal 'silver bullet.'
I showed my balls. Literally and figuratively. I was reckless, and I feel that doing what I did might've resulted in a scream and a slap in other situations, but if I didn't do what I did, who knows what lame game of dry humping we would have had that day?

Mertwented · 2013-12-02T16:51:12+00:00

I think you are painting it in your mind that the series of events that has been your "kissless virgin" life actually hangs over you everywhere you go. Guess what it doesn't. As far as a girl knows you are just a guy, who may have kissed 1 girl or 100, they don't actually know that you are a kissless virgin when they see you. I don't blame you for thinking that way because its hard not to sometimes but you need to start seeing it for what it is.

They only make judgements on you based on your confidence levels, what you actually have to say and to a lesser extent your looks. If you are walking around with a lack of confidence due to your sexual status, you can forget many girls finding you attractive in the slightest.

Take me for example, i'm a virgin but not kissless. When I was kissless I thought that I was repulsive to women because of the way I looked, however one night after being inspired I decided to hit the clubs and pretend to act confidently, sure as hell by the end of the night I was making out with a HB7. My virginity I realize not as me being really ugly but instead me just not making a move, I've had plenty chances but have never seized the opportunity.

So what i'm saying here is work on your self confidence first and foremost and then go out and talk to girls like you are the hot guy they want to make out with and enough with this self doubt BS.

SingAlong_Original · 2013-12-02T17:42:15+00:00

Embrace your kiss less self and rock it next time you go out.

sdonaghy · 2013-12-02T19:43:07+00:00

Fake it till you make it http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

BrainCavity · 2013-12-02T19:48:11+00:00

Get new hobbies that put you out of your comfort zone. Even if you don't love the hobby at first join a club that let's you meet people while providing a shared conversation topic to keep the "awkward" at bay

TheRealJamesHoffa · 2013-12-03T04:55:52+00:00

The worrying about being kissless is pointless. Honestly, you will literally figure it out the first time you do it within a second. Is that one second of possible slight awkwardness enough to stress you out about it? Because it shouldn't be. You've had way worse experiences, and I can guarantee the girl won't even notice that it was your first.

satlan · 2013-12-03T18:44:31+00:00

I know how you feel. The kissless virgin thing is more about the fact that you never escalated to kissing/sex than no girl wanting to kiss you though, isn't it? Girls usually don't attack guys and initiate things.

What you have to realize is that sex and kissing is not a big deal and it's not hard. It's natural and when it happens your instincts will take over. Don't worry about sucking at it.

2013-12-02T04:32:01+00:00

Keep going out and you will eventually succeed. Confidence is a result of life experiences (both good and bad) and competency. Actively going out and taking action will give you both.

You don't become confident by mind-fucking yourself with rationalizations as to why you deserve confidence. You become confident by taking action and bettering yourself as a person so you actually deserve to be confident.

money666 · 2013-12-02T07:26:47+00:00

Get a tinder

vorgy · 2013-12-02T17:37:48+00:00

Just get a hooker.

Title	Kissless virgin here, how do I stop that from keeping me down?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	139
Comments	94
Date	December 2, 2013 2:48 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1rvsfb/kissless_virgin_here_how_do_i_stop_that_from/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/kissless-virgin-here-how-do-i-stop-that-from.1362460 https://theredarchive.com/post/1362460

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