Going to therapy is not the solution to every relationship problem. It only works if the person going is willing to be honest about their situation and is open to change, which is why it doesn’t work with addicts.

mypetchickens · 2021-10-19T15:59:41+00:00

IMO, relationship therapists and sex therapists seem to be the most pro-porn professionals. Ew

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-10-19T16:32:02+00:00

Okay we all know the real issue is that he's wanking like six times or more a day and he probably almost never wants to have sex with his girlfriend. Probably makes her feel bad when she wants to have sex with him. Can't get it up, can't keep it up, and probably blames her and makes her feel like she's not good enough when it happens. And then she finds out suddenly it's all because he's over-wanking his dick day in and day out and he was just manipulating her.

BasieSkanks · 2021-10-19T15:19:10+00:00

This case is a classic example of how men can use therapy to manipulate unsuspecting women into believing they are being unreasonable. The OP is disingenuously conflating watching porn with masturbation which is what porn addicted men often do to justify continuing to indulge their addiction. What is interesting is that OP drops hints that he is porn addicted (“try my best to fight the urges”, “can be very impulsive”) but makes out like his girlfriend is being unreasonable for expecting him to quit porn. The OP then goes to therapy and likely gives the therapist a one-sides view because the therapist then validates his faulty thinking. The therapist affirms his view that his girlfriend is being unreasonable to expect him to not watch porn as what he does with his body is his choice. The OP then goes back to his girlfriend and tells her that the therapist says she is being unreasonable, even though he’s clearly given the therapist a very one-sided story. In the comments, OP admits that his masturbation/porn is negatively impacting his relationship with his girlfriend, a fact he did not mention in the original post. This tells me that OP is only writing this post and going to therapy to seek validation for his selfish and harmful behaviours.

The likely scenario is that the OP is a porn addict, and you cannot trust a word an addict says because the most important thing to them is their addiction. Moreover, the OP’s girlfriend is not actually trying to control what he does with his body. She is stating her boundaries on a “take it or leave it” basis. She is not forcing him to do anything but she has made it clear she will not tolerate excessive masturabation or porn in her relationship. Men often feel like women are being unreasonable when we set boundaries because they are not used to it. They are not used to women refusing to engage with them because of their harmful behaviours. Addicts feel extremely entitled to people’s time and attention, even if they are making people’s lives around them worse. Therapy is not enough to fix an addict because deep down they think people who keep them from their addiction are the enemy. They do not see anything wrong with their addiction.

This is why going to therapy with broken men is often an exercise in futility. At best, the man will use therapy to gaslight the woman into thinking she’s the problem. Therapy only works if the person going is doing so of their own volition and is actively invested in changing on a fundamental level.

the-worst- · 2021-10-19T17:38:06+00:00

These scrotes would really rather hide in another room and jack it than seek out their gf or wife.

"It's my body and I feel that I shouldn't have to stop just because she says so!" Then do her a favor and TELL HER THAT so she can stop wasting time on you instead of trying to do it in secret.

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-10-19T15:14:52+00:00

It doesn’t work with addicts or abusers!! Never go to therapy with an abusive man, never ask an abusive man to get therapy, just leave.

Golden_Lavender · 2021-10-19T16:30:59+00:00

Too many men think that in a context of a relationship boundaries don't apply to them and that they are the exception to a women's "rules". They are really convinced that having a lack of boundaries is a sign of commitments.

samedinuitmort · 2021-10-19T15:21:34+00:00

Therapy =/= sex/porn addiction therapy. Unless you’re seeing a specialist, like a CSAT, you’re not treating the addiction. A regular therapist is not equipped for this, this is its own pit of chaos (lol) and requires its own specific training. And even among therapists, there are different beliefs as they are obviously different people.

But moreover, this man always knew porn use was not ok with his partner. Is she the one imposing something on him, or is he the one imposing something on her? She didn’t even know he was doing it, she did not consent. If he consents to giving up porn for her, that’s his own choice. But addicts don’t like owning their own decisions, of course. Everything is forced on them and nothing is ever what they wanted. They need to be chronically unhappy, bitter and resentful to justify needing their pacifier (porn).

She needs to get out obviously.

oi_oi_oink · 2021-10-19T15:12:06+00:00

Men throw around the word therapy as if it's a cure all. I also doubt that his therapist would tell him to "take back the control and not let his girlfriend dictate his life" if he's in therapy for porn addiction.

msinclaire · 2021-10-19T19:55:06+00:00

It is absolutely his body and his choice. He can do what he wants.

It’s also her body and her choice. She can take her body and leave.

Valeria_Venn · 2021-10-19T17:26:33+00:00

Suggesting therapy is nowadays the lazy way to "solve" things, and ppl do that as a way to not have to call someone out at core. Same thing with depression most ppl are like "go to therapy" but nobody really talks about the mindset changes, environment changes necessary to treat depression and think it's a issue that stems from ppl themselves as if they were encoded to be depressed into their adn lol.

pukubr · 2021-10-19T17:45:55+00:00

ugh I hate when men complain "stop making this an ultimatum!" to guilt trip the other party into feeling sorry for "coercing" them to change with ultimatums. well, 1. you had a chance to stop the behavior long before it got to that point; and 2. women are free to leave whenever they want and for whatever reason they want. If he sees it as an ultimatum that's his problem, for you they are just standards for your comfort and quality of life.

Healingirl · 2021-10-19T17:43:53+00:00

I feel like the therapist actually said that it's not ok to watch porn but that he can masturbate, employing the phrasing it's your body etc. And that's where he twisted the thing the therapist said, to his gf because he saw, in this advice, a half validation to enable himself (as in, well if I can masturbate that means I can still watch porn - because well...otherwise how would I masturbate..)

BasketLow8411 · 2021-10-19T21:06:20+00:00

Doesn’t work with abusers either.

vforvendetta87 · 2021-10-19T20:25:47+00:00

It is extremely fucking abusive to consume porn knowing it is your partner's boundary. ABUSIVE. Nothing less, nothing more.

Khentiamentiu42 · 2021-10-19T21:34:09+00:00

Couples therapy is a money making scam, when it's over it's over, get a new one

vforvendetta87 · 2021-10-20T01:59:27+00:00

Just imagine a man choosing pixels over a real human; I can’t fathom it no matter how much I try to make sense of it.

BabyGothQ · 2021-10-19T21:17:17+00:00

so, so many issues

katiekat0214 · 2021-10-19T20:36:20+00:00

Did I misread? I thought the GF wanted him to give up masturbation, and he only occasionally used porn, but he did masturbate a lot.

thediverswife · 2021-10-20T22:00:18+00:00

This is so wild to read. This is a person who loves to create problems and stay in turmoil

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Japanese-Spaghetti · 2021-10-20T23:48:56+00:00

Wow so selfish to expect someone close to you who is an addict to stop their selfish behavior /s

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