Why is it normalized for men to be in fear of their wives or submissive and at their beck and call?

Lionheart27778 · 2022-06-09T02:44:17+00:00

As a guy who used to be married...and miserable. Before I divorced and rebranded myself....

I was never a "simpy" husband...Not on the level of some of my friends..... However.

I , and many of my married friends...often appeased the wives as it was.... easier.

Arguing and displeasing a wife often leads to constant tantrums and sulks worthy of five year olds....... melodrama....nagging , gaslighting.... blackmail...shaming tactics... emotional abuse ...insults ...throwing things and violence....never admitting faults..... dragging up things from years ago into simple disputes.....massive overreactions.... controlling behaviour...crying....so much crying....so many fake tears.

Basically a massive pain in the arse...Over often simple and small things....The constant stream of drama...and abuse....And the fact that you are married and essentially trapped .....grinds you down over the years....until you just can't be bothered getting into yet another argument....and you lose your will to fight..... Slowly...over years....you get ground down.

These men you described are often defeated by years of what is basically emotional abuse.

Its shocking common in marriage that the woman slowly gains control over the years.......it's mostly unmentioned in society that some women essentially emotionally beat their husbands into submission by a constant stream of drama and verbal abuse.

Pursuit of an easy life...means you don't "forget the milk" ....as it leads to a massive argument...drama...crying.... something you forgot five years ago... and more emotional abuse.

I'm just lucky I managed to get out and reinvent myself.

Henpecked husbands are not born....they are made....and my experiences are unfortunately not uncommon.

Break the cycle....don't get married.

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2022-06-09T06:19:37+00:00

You - as a husband - are told by society to compromise, that it's your job to make your wife happy and comfortable. You don't hear the same thing shoved down on women's throats. They are ridiculed by society if they make you even a sandwich. What's the result? Entitled, nagging wife and broken spirited husband.

peanutbutterjams · 2022-06-09T08:04:21+00:00

why are these men, many of them very desirable and attractive guys, happily adopting this subservient role?

So we're talking about Gen X and Millennials here, right? These are the first generations in which feminism was no longer just an ideology to be considered but an axiom to accept.

Feminism offers two choices: submit or resist.

If you resist, you're scum. Obviously.

However, if you submit you've committed to accept whatever description feminism cares to apply to men. Feminism is OBVIOUSLY hateful towards men but attractive women most likely going to be feminist because it offers them even more power and a reason why it's not bad for them to exploit it.

So these guys have feminist wives and they want to be with them so they have to submit to feminism which means lowering their value in their own minds and constantly accepting an even lower value with every passing year.

If these men are as you described, pleasing their wives has become more important than their own desires and interests, which pretty much describes a 50's housewife.

This isn't going to stop. There's another generation of boys already being trained to hate themselves for being male.

Feminism harms boys and men.

Master-Edward-3 · 2022-06-09T01:29:17+00:00

Not sure what this phenomena originally arose from but it’s cringey at best when I see sitcoms and popular entertainment media and movies depict men as what you’ve said in addition to bumbling know nothing buffoons that their wives always have to bail out of trouble or check into place as the more mature of the two..or determine whether they will be punished later that night or what their punishments will be (typically no sex or banished from his own bed or house that he’s likely paid for/on) like children for being a disappointment.

I think it’s sickening especially when it’s often looked at as the man to be the protector, provider and leader of his family. A mockery of the king of the household. I don’t condone uncalled for mistreatment of women however it seems commonplace to disrespect a man by woman these days. The same women that would look to men for protection should they had been attacked by men or non human predators then it’s “where are the real men to stand up for women when push comes to shove”. Men are the unsung heroes of their families and unappreciated soldiers in society for their efforts and lives. It’s sad the direction of this generation has taken but as was said once before save yourself from this untoward generation.

Greg_W_Allan · 2022-06-09T04:55:00+00:00

Too many systems and institutions in our communities weaponised on womens' behalf.

penguinsrcoolaf · 2022-06-09T07:39:53+00:00

Women who do want to be subservient to their husbands are ridiculed as weak. The whole debate is so one sided. Don't get me wrong I know some women are vile, but the reality is we're all being screwed by the system. They're purposely messing with the natural order of the family & sexes & what it means to be both a man & a women & no one is happy. The feminist always seem like their souls have been poisoned with hatred, they have 0 chill, all while being told how strong & amazing they are by the media & education system. Men & women need each other in different ways that are equally important, especially for our kids to be happy & stable. I don't see how we get back to that rn tho. Remember not all women are like this guys. Some of us hate the constant emasculating of males as much as u.

baardmand · 2022-06-09T04:16:19+00:00

I'm guessing it starts with little things, and they never said no because they're afraid of losing her, and then it slowly grows into a monster.

I've been married for > 25 years, and we never had this problem. Set boundaries, be honest, stay calm, communicate clearly, and demand the same of your partner. If they can't do the same, then break off early before there are too many ties that it make it hard. It's better to be alone than miserable.

herewegoagainguyz · 2022-06-09T06:47:41+00:00

It's not supposed to be like that. For me personally, and I've gotten attacked by so many feminists for posting this on my socials before... I prefer to have my dude call the shots, and be the decision maker, and to leave me with a list to follow, than for me to have to be that person... That's to much stress, and I know myself, I am not good at planning etc... Eek. It makes my life and my relationships work wayyy better and more stress free for me, which means I'm happier and easier to deal with for us both, if I have a clearly laid out list of priorities in my relationships. I can manage following directions, but I can't make them lol. I don't understand why anyone in their relationship would allow anyone to stress them out that much. I don't want a man to be my dog or my doormat, that's fucking weird.. alot of girls are so fucking entitled and egotistical these days...pandering to that and enabling it, only makes it worse......no thanks lol

ConsciousBox2029 · 2022-06-09T08:56:23+00:00

Ex wife slapped me when I wouldn't skip a rent payment for a Home Interiors bakers rack. I slapped her back. Only time I've hit a woman so far. Downhill fast, culminating in her cheating on me with my friend who said he was there for me, sigh.

This was also my fault somehow, Ha. Never say never, fuck that!

If I find a a new love I'll live with her for life, but I'll NEVER get married again.

WhereProgressIsMade · 2022-06-09T02:23:56+00:00

It’s possible to have a marriage that isn’t like that. You’re fighting the programming you likely got as a kid and young adult. You’re fighting the programming she got and she gets fed by her friends , culture, and society. So it’s not easy and rather exhausting at times leaving me wonder if it’s worth it too.

I tried following all that early in my dating and had to work hard to undo it and remember all the examples my dad had shown me as a kid of how to do things better and not follow into a honey do marriage.

After that the approach I took when dating followed a general form of, “Hey, I’m going to do X. Would you like to join me?” It’s leadership without being controlling. If she follows, great. If not, cool. I just kept trying until I found one happy to follow and also invested into the relationship.

With my wife I often ask her to help me with something im working on.

I’m sure I’ve probably slipped up and gone into “yes dear mode” a few times but it’s been pretty rare.

My wife doesn’t nag. She tried it 10 years ago, got frustrated it didn’t work, and hasn’t really tried ever since. Sure she’ll mention things she’d like me to do but I say no sometimes and she doesn’t get upset.

My marriage isn’t perfect but I wouldn’t trade it for a honey do marriage.

Yeah she has the big red nuclear option like all wives do. And it has given me pause sometimes when I’m trying to figure out changes I need to make in order to improve our marriage and raise our kids better. I had to work hard at one point at not letting that fear prevent me from doing what was right and needed to be done.

There was some resistance but she’s happier now that some of those changes have been made and stuck for a year or more. So I really was worried for nothing.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a house where my dad ran things similarly. So I had a decent example ti start with. His dad was similar if a bit harsh from what I remember. I think it’s something that used to be passed down from father to son but is rare anymore.

One of my sisters found a guy like me and my dad but he just didn’t do it quite right and things are falling apart. He tried to be in charge but failed to take responsibility if I had to summarize. I view my household like I’m the captain and it’s my responsibility to get the ship to its destination. My wife is my helper and first officer. She runs a lot of the day to day stuff for me lieke a first officer does. My kids are part of the crew and I make sure pitch in. If something isn’t working right, I have to figure out why and how to fix it. If it makes sense for me to do it, I do. Usually the captain is the hardest working one on a ship. I make sure my wife is getting at least as much free time as me. Preferably equal but I’d rather err on the side of more than me. She hasn’t ever given me a honey do list. I wish I could say it’s because I get shit done. But I’ve had my times of slacking.

I think thats where my brother in law failed. He worked part time and spent tons of time with friends or his own stuff like video games. If it had been with the kids it probably would have been different since women tend to count that time as contributing. Meanwhile my sister was pulling double shifts just trying g to get the checkbook to balance after he bought a fancy motercycle they couldn’t afford just to “be a man”. He is a great dad to the kids. I think women just get resentful when it falls to them to put the roof over their heads (divorce rates are quite a bit higher for stay-at-home dads or even just when she outrarns him by a large margin. )

Pretty sure my other sister found herself a honey do man since his mother is so domineering it was what he was used to. All I can do is try not to laugh when my sister complains about her because she’s the same way.

Anyway, yeah I think it’s sad when I hear a guy talk the way you mentioned. I’ve tried to help some of them but none have seemed like that wanted any advice on how to turn things around so I keep my views to myself. If that’s what they want then no skin off my teeth.

shit-zen-giggles · 2022-06-09T04:18:33+00:00

It's because we live in a patriarchy that oppresses women to benefit men 🤡

... not.

vhisic · 2022-06-09T05:08:55+00:00

Is this what marriage is like?

In my 1 marriage experience, yes. You as the man will go out of your way to make your partner satisfied and happy, even at your own expense and it will be all for naught when they come to out of the blue one day and tell you they are unhappy despite you investing every first and second thought on them.

PulseQ8 · 2022-06-09T07:56:24+00:00

She can turn your life into hell and you can’t do anything about it, not because you don’t have the ability to, but because you’re not allowed to

justamoviethrowaway · 2022-06-09T12:07:19+00:00

Female privilege that goes mostly unacknowledged by society and by the women that it unfairly protects.

1FrantikFrann1 · 2022-06-09T05:00:23+00:00

For lack of a better term, my most, “masculine,” friend is this way. I cringe so hard when his wife comes out to direct him. Not only is he one of the most well-rounded men that I know, but he is also driven. He is always building, creating, doing. Aaaand his wife could care less. She makes more money than him, and, in her eyes, that earns her the right to dictate the household.

JudgementalChair · 2022-06-09T12:01:13+00:00

Happy wife, happy life as the saying goes. I'm not married but might as well be since I've been cohabitating with my gf for a number of years.

Honestly sometimes it's better to keep the missus happy just for the sake of my sanity. I'm putting out fires all day at work, and I don't want to come home and argue with her over dumb shit. I will if she's testing me, but I'd rather keep the status quo because we do a lot for each other to make our lives easier.

My cousin is 100% subservient to his wife. She's an engineer with a large well known company and makes very good money. She's also low key a narcissist and has me neutered cousin wrapped around her finger. She made him quit his job in our hometown and move 8 hours away because she took a new job. She didn't ask him about it, they didn't discuss it. She literally told him she was moving to this state, and if he wanted to stay married to her, he would need to move too.

The most glaring example I have from them before they moved is, he woke up late for work one day and rushed to get dressed, got to work 30 minutes away just a few minutes late, she then called him and yelled at him for not taking her car to put gas in it before he left. Instead of going to the gas station herself, she made him drive back to the house, get her car, and fill up the tank, before returning the car to her, and driving back to work. He was over an hour and a half late to start his day because of that. He was salaried, so he didn't get in trouble with his company, but I know some people who work in his office, and everyone was talking hella shit about him for weeks because of that.

Slow_Ad_6720 · 2022-06-09T12:31:08+00:00

Deleted

GivePuppiesBazookas · 2022-06-09T17:06:03+00:00

Honestly, I think it's because we are trained (boys) from such a young age to give girls what they want, we see adults cater to their happiness while we get ignored often. We see our sisters get big birthday parties or they throw a fit (talking about kids here). So when we become adults it's kind of already trained in us to "give her what she wants to get her to shut up"

This is why it's "Happy wife, happy life" and "If mom is happy, everyone is happy" It's about pleasing women and I suspect it's something subconscious, due to how we are treated and seeing what girls get, that we just cave to to get to that peace we as men tend to strive for.

I think women also know this and subconsciously take advantage of it. We are teaching kids and have been for decades by example that girls need to be made happy, but we never teach girls to make boys happy.

--IMO this is why dating is dying the way it is over the last 10 ish years. I am divorced now and back in the dating pool, it's so completely different that it was just 7-10 years ago.

It seems so overly exaggerated in terms of the focus needs to be on the woman and only the woman. I don't think that is ironic with women now thinking their time is worth cash, women spamming OF, using dating apps for nothing more than just getting attention and so on. I think this is the long result of telling 2, 3+ generations of girls their happiness matters (which is valid as hell) but forgetting to tell these girls and the boys that boys need to be happy too. We don't tell boys to be happy, we tell them to work, and yell at them trying to correct every fucking thing out of them. We don't really do that and now we have what seems like generations of women who deem men literally unworthy of even just kindness ("I don't owe him anything!!" ....always used to excuse a lack of common decency)

DemocratsDoNothing · 2022-06-09T02:37:56+00:00

I've met a few guys who liked being submissive, and while I can't fathom why, I simply respect their choice.

Fear, however, is a different matter entirely. We've created many industries that glamorize and incentivize destroying the family unit. Politicians, judges, lawyers, counsellors, "journalists" who publish their trash for clicks about why men and fathers are toxic, there's always another boot to kick you all the way down.

And yet we somehow wonder why men live in fear, or commit suicide at higher rates.

TinCan_Assassin · 2022-06-09T09:51:28+00:00

I want to keep my daughter in my life. I will "Yes dear," until she's 18. Damn near lost her when she was 7.

Does that explain it sufficiently?

eyesayhello · 2022-06-09T06:31:28+00:00

Because it's either that or an all night complain-sesh. And, she'll bring it back up years later out of nowhere.

tragedyfish · 2022-06-09T01:24:00+00:00

Marriage is a partnership. There are activities that I can preform well, that my wife preforms poorly. Conversely, there are some activities I fail at, but she preforms easily. I hate to sound like a motivational poster, but: Together we can accomplish more. So, yeah, I'm more than happy to add one of her tasks to my "honey do" list. But I'm also happy to add one to hers.

StingRayFins · 2022-06-09T06:35:51+00:00

I think because if a man sets boundaries or sets the wife straight the whole sisterhood will collectively trash him.

It's a power thing.

And by default most men want sex from women and women have that by default. So it skews towards many men bowing down to get better chances of getting laid.

The dating field isn't equal. In dating it's women with the sex and 90% men trying to sleep with them. This gives the ball to women and they often take advantage of it.

DirtyPartyMan · 2022-06-09T00:58:16+00:00

NOTE This is theory and observationally based.

Most American Boys leaving home don’t take the time to travel. They don’t challenge themselves to discover who they are. What their purpose is.

What do they do? They trade one mother for another.

It confuses the woman on a deep level since her emotional maturity is 5 - 8 years ahead of his. Not because boys are incapable. It’s simply repressed in our society through traditional ideals of masculinity. It creates a power vacuum in their Male/Female roles and dynamic. Without him knowing who he is he defers to her on a subconscious level. This forced her to fill the void and take control in an unhealthy and insecure way.

By the time these boys become Men and develop into who they are it’s too damn late. Working jobs, wife, kids 10 years old, bills……

g1455ofwater · 2022-06-09T06:37:30+00:00

Women are wonderful effect.

R3DLOTU5 · 2022-06-09T01:08:07+00:00

I feel it's more of a"pick your battle"situation. I know if I tell my wife she messed something up, it's possible to hurt her feelings or cause some sort of emotional damage. This would lead to me being unhappy, so I just go with it and work with what's given me... if it's something worth arguing over, then I'll batte over it.

YesAmAThrowaway · 2022-06-09T07:50:26+00:00

If people have to walk on eggshells around their wives and are scared of them, I don't think those relationships are currently fit for marriage.

You'll have your ups and downs, sure, but when the ups don't come back, something's gone terribly wrong.

And either partner may or may not have contributed to creating that situation.

Generally, if your wife pulls you into something legal, she's highly likely to win, and I think most people instinctively know that, which is why anybody with a bit of insecurity (aka all of us) is susceptible to not stand up against drama at home when the work day has been stressful already.

What people often fail to realise, even when they technically know it's true, is that maintaining a thoroughly bad relationship is far more damaging on an emotional level in the long term than breaking up.

Then of course there's divorce settlements, in which case men are fucked once more. Another obstacle in the lives of those people.

Diomil · 2022-06-09T12:47:03+00:00

Because the marriage is only fine as long as the woman is happy, and we as men do what we have to do to keep them happy, that's just how it is and if you want to keep your family together then you have to do this.

xzombielegendxx · 2022-06-09T13:21:26+00:00

Can I interest you in Childhood impacts love style

hvacsportsdad · 2022-06-09T13:37:05+00:00

Look at social media and especially TV/Movies over the years. They have gone from solid foundations of spouses working together and both having good strong relationships to the wife being the only competent adult in the marriage. Unfortunately, reality is mirroring TV shows where the husband is a bumbling idiot and cannot make decisions correctly or without consulting the wife.

I do know some that will joke around and blame the wife or someone else just so they don't feel like the idiot they are for making a mistake themselves.

gunperv51 · 2022-06-09T20:56:25+00:00

Men are heaven into submission of "happy wife, happy life", which is "women is the only one who matters" and it's pure bullshit. You want happy? "Happy spouse, happy house" where BOTH get treated equally.

webDev_nd_mma · 2022-06-09T23:14:51+00:00

This generation in America/canada/UK will have the lowest amount of marriage between men and women

2022-06-10T03:19:52+00:00

If he doesn't want to be dominant enough

I whip the strap on out 😎

_AGirlADogAndAJeep_ · 2022-06-10T03:32:05+00:00

As a woman, this infuriates tf out of me. I will never understand why men are like this. Like I don't do anything whatsoever to be controlling or manipulative, but every guy I've ever been with STILL acts like this. He gets invited to go out with a friend; "sorry man, can't go, she won't let me". And I'm always just like ??? Idc if you go fishing with Jake or hit the bar with the neighbor. It's like he just doesn't know how to say 'no', so it's easier to make me out to be that bitch that won't let him do anything. And honestly from my experience in my own relationships, plus talking to my friends about theirs, this is a pretty common thing. Guys will take on this submissive attitudes towards their girlfriends for no reason at all. Like I'm of the attitude that I don't really care what he does as long as he's not cheating. I don't get mad over every little thing, I don't start a fight every time he leaves the toilet seat up and shit like that. I don't give him a mile long honey do list every day. I might ask him to do things I know i just can't do, but if it's something I'm capable of, I'm not above using power tools or working on a car or doing "masculine" shit like that. And most of my friends are the same way, because honestly i can't stand those prissy girls who are above breaking a nail. We're all pretty chill girlfriends, but all of our boyfriends adopt the attitude of the guy in the post for literally no reason. For whatever reason they think they have to walk on eggshells around us all the time, that they can't step out of line at all for any reason or do anything to irritate us at all. Yet, they all do irritating things all the time without realizing it, and neither me nor my friends make a big deal of it. We just joke to each other about stuff our boyfriends do, and let it go. We've all had this exact conversation with each other multiple times, and we've all tried to talk to our boyfriends about it, but nothing ever changes. It boggles the mind.

OTR_7 · 2022-06-10T04:04:48+00:00

OP, it's mostly male simps who do that sort of thing. Happy wife, happy life nonsense. If a man doesn't have any self-worth, he is not going to hold his woman accountable for her actions nor demand the respect he deserves as a human being.

Most simp males are not great at getting women. When they do eventually get one, they put her on a pedestal. This toxic behaviour gradually grows into a power dynamic where the woman holds all the cards. When they get married, the abuse only gets worse as the woman knows she can easily walk all her man like a door mat without any repercussions.

DidYouEverNotice0 · 2022-06-09T00:47:17+00:00

The broader and more important question is, why are these men, many of them very desirable and attractive guys, happily adopting this subservient role?

I think you'll find they aren't all that desirable or attractive. They may be your type but usually it's the unattractive men that act this way.

Babiecakes123 · 2022-06-10T08:44:13+00:00

Men are being forced into a submissive role by society. You either submit or you “get 0 bitches”.

You see this disparity when women want men who serve their beck and call in day to day life, but then want to be choke slammed by these emasculated men in the bedroom.

Women WANT dominant men, and women will be more sexually and mentally attracted to you if you ARE dominant. We women try to get away with as much as we can. This is why as a man you’re expected to keep women in check.

Men have a specific role in society, and it’s important we continue to raise our sons to take on that role.

Title	Why is it normalized for men to be in fear of their wives or submissive and at their beck and call?
Author	Don-Cartagena
Upvotes	491
Comments	153
Date	June 9, 2022 12:34 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/v84a1y/why_is_it_normalized_for_men_to_be_in_fear_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/why-is-it-normalized-for-men-to-be-in-fear-of.1116726 https://theredarchive.com/post/1116726

Comments