Where is the line between being an assertive confident man who sets boundaries and being a controlling possessive psycho?

TomBerwick1984 · 2022-07-18T12:44:29+00:00

Of course things can be nuance, and there isn't a quick and dirty way of assessing things, but these are my general principles;

Assertiveness in a relationship; You express your values, needs, or wants then ask (and asses) if they willing to meet them. If they aren't, then you can make the decision to leave the relationship, because it's not inaccordance with your values and needs.

Unhealthy behaviour; In order to try to make your partner behave in accordance with your values, needs or wants, you try to control their behaviour; location monitoring, interrogation, getting people to spy on them, etc. You also 'punish' them through; insults, humiliation, shaming, sarcasm, violence, threatening self-harm, breaking their property, withholding sex, etc.

People we are in relationships with aren't our property, nor are we their parents, so treating them like a child or an object we own is IMO 'unhealthy' behaviour. (I have done some of the listed unhealthy behaviours when I was a uni/college aged, people can change and realize how toxic they were.)

IMO great books for learning healthy relationship communication are;

Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone

Hard_Corsair · 2022-07-18T13:12:00+00:00

Boundaries = Defense

Controlling = Offense

It’s all about whether you’re preserving your own agency or diminishing your partner’s agency.

the_lazy_orange · 2022-07-18T12:48:34+00:00

my general rule of thumb is: setting boundaries is controlling my behavior. being controlling is an attempt to control someone else’s behavior.

gofigure62 · 2022-07-18T12:54:28+00:00

Depends on the people involved.

It's only controlling, possessive, and psycho behavior if the other party doesn't agree and doesn't want to change their behavior to accommodate what the other person is asking for.

Otherwise it's a mutual agreement and behaviors that both parties are willing to engage in.

Some people are completely fine with uprooting their lives and doing whatever their SO tells them to do. To them, this behavior isn't controlling and posessive at all.

Others are not fine with uprooting their lives and doing whatever theur SO tells them to do. To them, this behavior is controlling, posessive, and psycho.

It really just depends on the individuals at the end of the day. People need to date others that have the same beleifs.

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-07-18T13:09:41+00:00

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The_Meep_Lord · 2022-07-18T12:54:52+00:00

Mostly how attractive he is to her.

That really is all it is.

It is all controlling in actuality, but it is all about how much they want to forfeit there own control for them.

So a women will give one hit man all he wants, but then refuse to do any of that for a less attractive man she marries.

And this is gender neutral, men will deal with a lot of shit they will consider “abusive” for a hot woman who fucks them the way they like.

jackedsoon · 2022-07-18T13:53:59+00:00

I rather be the psycho controlling toxic ex over doormat.

These words r thrown around by women for anything. Dont listen to them lol. If u dont want ur girl dressing that way or going out you let her know.

Gravel_Roads · 2022-07-18T13:26:40+00:00

One is about controlling yourself and how you respond, which sets a tone of behavior for others.

The other is about trying to make others obey you and do what you want, regardless of what you're doing.

It's like the difference between showing someone how you like to cook your eggs vs going up to how someone else is cooking their own damn eggs and throwing their eggs in the trash and telling them to do it your way.

bluestjuice · 2022-07-18T13:55:25+00:00

Boundaries are about me - what I will and won’t accept. Control is about getting another person to act a certain way.

Boundary: “I don’t let people call me ‘bitch.’ If you do that, I will leave the gathering. If you do it repeatedly despite my stated boundary, our friendship will end.”

Control: “I hate it when people call me ‘bitch,’ so whenever you do I’ll get really grumpy but also refuse to talk about it. Hopefully you adjust your behavior as a result of my passive-aggressive reactions.”

platinirisms · 2022-07-18T14:13:45+00:00

Confident man who sets boundaries

“You’re free to do whatever you want, and I’m free to do what I want, we have expectations in this relationship and can either compromise over stuff with each other, or we break up as we’re not compatible.” Aka you can go clubbing and cheat on me if that’s what you want to do, and I’ll be ready to break up with you for it.

controlling possessive psycho

“You CANNOT do this, I won’t allow you to, I forbid you to talk to him”.

fvckit88 · 2022-07-18T17:39:27+00:00

You are clear about your boundaries and let them decide whether they are ok with them or not. If they aren’t then you move on. I think being a “psycho” happens when after they don’t respect your boundaries you stick around and try to change them.

goatismycopilot · 2022-07-18T18:25:31+00:00

The line between being a doormat and a psycho is easy. Sending your friends after some guy is stupid.Saying hey I thought we were dating and it makes me uncomfortable when you go clubbing every weekend makes me uncomfortable.

I don't see why FWB guy does not go with her and handle his own business instead of doing the send my friends over deal.

Your work colleagues enjoys the drama. And so does her FWB.

People should date who they are compatible with if you want to party then party and date people who do that.

People who are controlling dictate the behavior of others as opposed to expressing a concern. Then the other person either considers the piont or says nah and moves on.

Peacesquad · 2022-07-18T22:46:58+00:00

It’s scary you even have to ask lmao

Peacesquad · 2022-07-18T15:45:40+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Da_Famous_Anus · 2022-07-18T14:01:03+00:00

They're the same person.

Mobrowncheeks · 2022-07-18T14:44:51+00:00

A boundary is a standard that is held for yourself that if people want to interact with you, then it has to be within said boundary. There’s no boundary you can set that is controlling because people get to decide whether or not respecting your boundary is with a relationship with you.

To control someone is to try and force them to adhere to your boundary, regardless of if it’s a normal or extreme boundary. This is independent of if a person respects you or not.

Being a high value man makes it more likely that a woman you are with , will respect whatever boundaries you have to be with you. But also, most the time a woman who wants to be with any particular man wants to show him that she respects him by respecting his boundaries.

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niki-cole58 · 2022-07-18T13:37:57+00:00

The line is drawn where discomfort is found. Let’s say the couple agrees to having location services on. You want to know when they’re done working and headed home safely and you want to have a meal ready for them. So you time it all out so that they can come home, have a few min to relax and then eat. But what if they don’t know you’ve got this surprise planned and they stop by a friend’s house on the way. Their friend had a mini crisis and needed a friend to talk to. Is there a “rule” between you two that you must communicate anything that deters you from the normal routine? The location shows you exactly where they are but you don’t know who’s house that is. Are you mad or just confused? Do you assume they’re purposely avoiding you and doing something nefarious? Are you able to accept that your “surprise” didn’t go over because you didn’t communicate ahead of time, as surprises often fail for this reason. Will you resent your partner for the effort you put in, even tho they had no clue and was just going about daily life. That’s the line. Will this situation become a blow out fight with accusations of what the other person was doing, or will you put the food away, wait for them to get home, and be ready to ask about their day with no preplanned argument?

FYI: nobody ever goes straight home from work all the time. There’a never a good reason to expect your partner to walk in the door at a certain time, every single time, unless they are the doormat.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2022-07-18T13:50:44+00:00

boundaries are agreed upon and go both ways. it's controlli g psycho behaviour when he starts making up rules.

sarkington · 2022-07-18T14:42:12+00:00

“Assertive” isn’t my bag of tea, baby. You set your boundaries, and if the other person doesn’t care, bye bye

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-18T15:09:20+00:00

You start being controlling when you stop giving options. "I'd like to be assured that you're not cheating, how can we work together on this?" would be giving options. Making someone take a specific measure, maybe under the threat that you leave or hurt them in some way or maybe without their knowledge, would not be. You should also be willing to do equivalent things for your partner, although that's more about respect than control.

ruboyuri · 2022-07-18T16:43:06+00:00

I wouldn’t know, because I don’t play dumb games

eyesayhello · 2022-07-18T17:05:10+00:00

She needs to be upfront with him. If she hasn't been then he might rightfully believe they are exclusive. Usually you have the "exclusive talk."

As far as controlling vs psycho question... if I'm in a committed relationship then the other person has certain limitations and answers to me. I likewise have certain limitations and answer to her. I've never had a woman be afraid to ask "where were you/why are you late, etc."

CallMeJessIGuess · 2022-07-18T18:17:16+00:00

Confidence is not seeking the approval and validation of others. It requires being truly comfortable with who you are. Bitter and highly negative people aren’t comfortable with themselves.

Boundaries are things your wont allow other people to do TO you. Being controlling is unilaterally telling someone else what they aren’t allowed to do at all.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-07-18T18:26:07+00:00

Boundaries - things I will not do, not do, accept and not accept

Example:

"please let me know when you're out, so that I know if I have to cook only for myself/use leftovers"

this is specifically because of a cause and effect of my behaviour. I don't want to waste my time waiting on you. That's my boundary.

Controlling - you must do what I say Example

"you shouldn't go out with your friends of the opposite sex"

This has gone into controlling territory as its suddenly about your behaviour instead of mine.

SmakeTalk · 2022-07-19T00:21:45+00:00

An assertive but respectful person is able to make it clear what they want without overstepping the boundaries someone else clearly establishes. Often they will also make sure that boundaries are being set, even if their partner has not brought it up to make sure their assertiveness isn't overstepping.

An assertive person in a relationship will clearly establish what they want and need, and many times come off demanding, but they will not threaten their partner if these things are not met. They are more likely to just leave instead of attempt to mold their partner into someone more submissive.

There are about ten leaps and bounds between someone being assertive and being a 'possessive psycho', but many of them are and include:

Cutting their partner off from friends and family, especially ones who are critical of them
Placing their own sexual gratification above their partner's (very selfish lover)
Ignoring sexual or romantic boundaries of their partner
Limiting someone's financial means or mobility (make them move in and give up their job)
Obsessing over their partner's exes and their sexual experiences
Any extremely possessive language, provided it's not for mutual fetish reasons
Physical intimidation and abuse disguised as "passion" ("you make me do crazy things")

There's probably at least a few other umbrella examples, these are just some of the more common ones I could think of.

Impossible_You_8555 · 2022-07-19T00:28:36+00:00

Winning

Title	Where is the line between being an assertive confident man who sets boundaries and being a controlling possessive psycho?
Author	BittererWegwerf
Upvotes	11
Comments	59
Date	July 18, 2022 12:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/w1y7v4/where_is_the_line_between_being_an_assertive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/where-is-the-line-between-being-an-assertive.1123986 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123986

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