If a man doesn't want sex, he must be broken and is a "crappy" partner

femdelusion · 2013-08-15T11:31:38+00:00

I don't know how anyone replies to these things. How the hell are you supposed to give any sort of advice when you know so little? There could be hundreds of things going on.

I mean, how the fuck does this advice idiot know the following?:

He’s a crappy partner, not just in bed. He’s in denial about something — whether it’s his sexuality, past abuse, childhood trauma or a medical obstacle to healthy sexual responses.

What?! Or he could be be depressed. Or she could have put on a lot of weight and he doesn't want to tell her he's not attracted to her. Or he could be extremely stressed out by something at work. Or the pressure keeps building and it's creating a fear of failure, etc.

It's hard to know if the advice idiot is a sexist bigot, because you'd need to see more evidence of the advice always fitting the pattern of female hypoagency/male hyperagency, but it's certainly shitty advice.

SarahC · 2013-08-15T12:05:01+00:00

I hate this double standard.

Compatible libido is an important factor for any relationship.

There will always be problems if one partner has a much lower sex-drive.

It would be much easier if people talked normally about it. Without attacking the partner. Without doubting oneself.

Double standards and indoctrinated expectations make that so incredibly difficult.

I am still recovering from my last relationship. She told me beforehand that she not only has a weak libido but also problems with sex because of past experiences. (No details here). I was open and told her that it was no problem because I have a weak libido, too. (Brain tumor affecting hormonal levels).

Everything could have worked out great. Her last partner cheated on her for half a year and then ditched her because she almost never wanted to have sex. Wouldn't have been a problem with me.

But how did it turn out with us? She hated it. She hated that I was fine with it. I guess she would have much prefered if I had tried to push her, just so she could say no. She changed so much and I could tell that she didn't take me seriously anymore.

So fucking sad, still depresses me when think about it.

brightcityvice · 2013-08-15T12:03:14+00:00

I hate that this is what is thought of in relationships

If I say I want to have sex with my girlfriend and she's not in the mood, fine. I go off to do my business or just do something else. Does not affect me.

If my girlfriend wants sex and I say I'm not in the mood, not fine. They then say that they feel fat/ugly or that I must be cheating on them because how could I not want sex?

Dee_Buttersnaps · 2013-08-15T14:05:55+00:00

There's a local radio station in my area that does a "Who's the Douchebag?" segment where listeners write in about a personal problem (usually an argument with an SO but not always) and then people call in and vote on who is the douchebag in the situation.

On the segment this week a man wrote in about a something that had happened with his wife. Basically he's a gamer and he really wanted to watch the Dota 2 tournament live online (I think he said it went from 8pm to 1am) and while he was watching it she kept trying to initiate sex. He told her several times that he wanted to watch the tournament and turned her down. Now she's mad at him.

Beyond the pretty insulting "Nerd!" comments from two of the show's hosts and a couple "What kind of moron doesn't choose sex over everything else?" calls, a lot of the callers sided with the guy and voted the wife as the douchebag, which did pleasantly surprise me because I thought he was going to get piled on.

However the double-standards on display were still pretty sad. Like, god forbid the guy have an interest that takes precedence over sex, and that interest better be a sport or else he's a total neckbeard-video game-addicted loser.

p3ngwin · 2013-08-15T10:39:50+00:00

And yet a husband who wants to have sex with his wife who doesn't want it is abusive and should control his sex drive. This woman even says she is getting him to have sex when he doesn't want to, if it were the other way around, people would be telling him to back off and accusing him of marital rape.

2013-08-15T15:16:26+00:00

Always the mans fault! Man wants sex too much it's his fault, man wants sex too little his fault. Man wants sex with partner when she doesn't - rapist! Woman wants sex when he doesn't - he must be gay and suppressing it. I am so sick of this crap.

2013-08-15T20:29:42+00:00

My response to her.

"Don’t start a family with this man from whom you’re very likely to end up divorced, or miserable together, neither of which are great beginnings for children’s lives."

How about examine your self and see if you are being emotionally destructive to him. Are you belittling him or dismissing him. Have you asked about his issue and talked to him?

"Insist he see a doctor, an individual therapist, and if you two are to work at this together, a sex therapist, too."

How about try to connect to his emotions and feelings and see if there is a void in the relationship that he doesn't want to come out and say.

Why does he not want to say what he is feeling or what the core of his problem is?

Because of your advising entitlement with :

"The damage to your self-esteem and security will only worsen, as you get older."

What about the damage to HIS self esteem when you go off and suggest he see a doctor because he does not act as a man by your standard?

CertusAT · 2013-08-15T12:28:55+00:00

Most men seem to settle way too easily. If a woman gives you any shit, dump her like it's trash day.

Have some more fucking self respect.

typhonblue · 2013-08-15T14:56:15+00:00

Our sex is crap when it finally occurs — twice in three months if I’m lucky! He fumbles in bed, though I’ve shown and said what I want.

Oh my. Wait, let's gender reverse for the lols.

My wife of three years is 27; I’m 34. Two months into our relationship, she stopped seeking sex from me, though we both find each other very attractive and love each other. We hug and kiss, but there’s zero passion from her. I’ve talked to her, bought (sex) toys, educational videos, lingerie and done online research. >She’s always saying she’ll do what we’ve agreed. I explain that I need sex and can’t always initiate as it’s affecting me emotionally. She’s not having an affair, nor is she lesbian. Our sex is crap when it finally occurs — twice in three months if I’m lucky! She fumbles in bed, though I’ve shown and said what I want. She only had two boyfriends before me. I don’t know what else to do! We also want to start a family soon! Deep down, it feels like it’s my fault — am I not handsome or young enough?

Hm. "She’s always saying she’ll do what we’ve agreed." Sounds a little rapey there. (At least by the feminist definition.)

And this: "She fumbles in bed, though I’ve shown and said what I want."

Wow, entitlement. You want her to initiate and yet you focus on what you want her to do sexually to you? Why would anyone initiate sex when it's a chore?

And the response.

Don’t start a family with this woman from whom you’re very likely to end up divorced, or miserable together, neither of which are great beginnings for children’s lives. She’s a crappy partner, not just in bed. She’s in denial about something — whether it’s his sexuality, past abuse, childhood trauma or a medical obstacle to healthy sexual responses. Insist she see a doctor, an individual therapist, and if you two are to work at this together, a sex therapist, too. If nothing changes, save yourself. The damage to your self-esteem and security will only worsen, as you get older. Boosting your emotional well being, and hopefully hers, too, is the priority.

I thought husbands were supposed to support their wives through hard times? What gives?

So misogynist. Why should women be expected to cater to a man's fragile sense of self-esteem?

biffsocko · 2013-08-15T12:15:49+00:00

What I took away from this: If I'm not willing to initiate sex, FOR WHATEVER REASON, then I'm a crappy partner.

Guess what ladies: Sometimes men aren't in the mood for sex. Some of us are asexuals, and are perfectly comfortable having a low sex drive. You are not OWED sex from us. Having sex from us is not part of your female priviledge. Just because you pretend that your poor feelings are hurt, doesn't mean that we have to do something we're not comfortable with. Get the fuck over it!

Wow...

theskepticalidealist · 2013-08-15T14:40:43+00:00

Look.. if you and your partner don't fit together, make it work, find help or move on. Nothing wrong with that.

But it's not his fault. He is not a crappy partner because of it.

nwz123 · 2013-08-15T20:19:30+00:00

While I agree that a healthy sex life is an important aspect to any relationship (especially marriage), this language is all too similar to slut-shaming: you aren't allowed to have feels or do what you want with your sexuality. Your sexuality is the property of someone else. Fuck that.

He’s a crappy partner, not just in bed.

So because he's having emotional issues tied to sexual arousal, he's a bad partner. Right. Guess he's not allowed to be a human being.

Boosting your emotional well being, and hopefully his, too, is the priority.

Yet another message from society telling women that they're the top priority. Reverse the genders and a letter like this from a guy would come off as sexist and inconsiderate. Go figure.

And when this type of shit repeatedly happens in society and you go home to the place where you're supposed to let your guard down and lay your head...you get it some more, how can you NOT end up broken? Fucking aye. And society wonders why men are becoming more and more broken.

Guys don't have a large support network that they can use as a buffer to deal with emotional pain. More often than not, there are only one or two sources, namely a guy's SO and MAYBE a family member or two if they're lucky. The second source usually consists of that one good friend that you can vent to, but even that's problematic for reasons I'll point to in a second. We try to create a support network to deal with our emotional pain, you get guys like this sounding the alarm. Society expect guys to rely on traditional methods of support for their sense of self and well-being but we ALL know those 'sources' aren't really support-structures at all. For example, appeals to traditional senses of man-hood (to give them support about their sense of identity and purpose in the world) are often paired with calls to 'man-up' if a guy isn't perfect in performing his role as a 'protector/provider' drone. That is to say: he has to do less 'feeling' and do more 'winning'. Traditional notions of manhood attack the very thing in men that makes them human: their vulnerability and emotional base. How about a family? Same shit, unless your family actually gives a fuck about you as a person. What about your SO? If you're doing everything s/he expects of you, then you're fine. If not..same fucking thing. Etc.

It's exactly that role of expected male behavior that prevents men from forming networks for emotional support: a guy that expresses a problem is promptly told a 'possibly viable solution' and told to go and 'fix it' or 'shut up'. Sometimes both. He's not allowed to vent, to complain, to express his pain...none of that. He has to kill his feelings because no one gives a fuck about them...due to gender roles and expectations.

What makes this worse is the fact that men and boys develop these issues precisely BECAUSE what they want and need is so out of line with what society wants/demands/expects of them today. Yet the only thing you'll hear in society are calls for men to 'return to manhood', which ultimately is a return to the exact same thing that is fucking them up in the first place. In other words, they're told to become better slaves. Or fall by the wayside.

And that's exactly what's happening.

theskepticalidealist · 2013-08-15T15:07:48+00:00

Being 27 and not wanting to have sex with a 34 year old woman is pretty normal.

SarahC · 2013-08-15T14:37:22+00:00

He’s not having an affair, nor is he homosexual.

How does she know, eh?

Besides, all this pressure to perform.... it's very rapey. She's got her own hand!

AntheusBax · 2013-08-15T18:10:58+00:00

What an absolutely evil harpy - that's a ridiculous thing to think/say at any time, but especially when in the guise of giving someone (a stranger no less) advice in a column like this.

What a pathetic double-standard... the guy has a low sex drive and automatically he's either gay or has been sexually abused or some other crazy "nothing to do with you hun, it's all him" reason. Yet if the genders had been reversed and it was the man writing in saying his wife didn't want to have sex with him as much as he'd like, she'd be advising him to respect his wife's space and not to expect her to be "up for it" at a moment's notice..?!

saint2e · 2013-08-15T13:17:59+00:00

Ahhh the Toronto Star. I wonder if they're still looking for that supposed video of the Toronto mayor smoking crack

elli26 · 2013-08-15T13:51:41+00:00

this 'advice' is potentially dangerous and harmful. how is this even legal?!

demengrad · 2013-08-15T14:10:13+00:00

Story of my life

BoxeswithBears · 2013-08-15T14:57:50+00:00

I just have this feeling that if the woman were the one that didn't want sex, the line from the article 'I can't always initiate and it is affecting me emotionally" would not fly if the guy were to say it.

It would be met with something along the lines of 'man up'.

Unenjoyed · 2013-08-15T15:00:57+00:00

Ellie Tesher is trained in sociology, dabbles in journalism, and now the Toronto Star is pretending that she's qualified to give relationship advice. The fail here is typical, really.

rogersmith25 · 2013-08-15T15:56:32+00:00

Maybe this will be unpopular here, I'm not sure. But I agree with what "Ellie" said in that article. That man is a bad sexual partner; he should go to a therapist; he should go to a doctor; he should put more of an effort into satisfying his wife.

My only problem with it is that the same advice should be given if the wife is the one who isn't interested in sex. That's the double-standard. But unless "Ellie" suggests to a man that he should just respect the fact that his wife isn't interested, I don't think she in particular is a hypocrite.

Don't start a family with someone you will almost certainly end up divorcing. Good advice.

roadhand · 2013-08-15T17:57:26+00:00

Clearly, when a woman makes a poor decision in choosing a mate to start a family with, it is the mans fault.

TL;DR: I always buy sex toys, movies and clothing to deal with serious relationship issues.

When that doesn't work, I ask strangers on the internet to diagnose my complicated marriage problems based on a few vague lines of info, when my manipulation and coercion have failed; it's affecting me emotionally and my biological clock is ticking.

2013-08-15T22:53:43+00:00

It is curious to see male concerns from yesteryear(concerns that have been vilified instead of explored) finally get respectfully addressed when women start raising the same concerns. Interesting how that works.

avantvernacular · 2013-08-15T11:46:24+00:00

She also tells people to move just because her neighbors are kind of loud. Clearly she's full of bad advice.

GenderEqualityKing · 2013-08-15T14:05:39+00:00

Yeah, this is ridiculous. The sad truth is that men aren't supposed to "want" sex, that is, until they're supposed to want it (when the woman wants it, of course).

2013-08-15T14:16:48+00:00

But if a woman doesn't want sex/ doesn't mention she is willfully celibate until the end of the date/ insists that her platonic friends not have sex with anyone else either, she is an empowered person making valid choices about her own body

pstanish · 2013-08-15T14:43:55+00:00

We need to remember that she is not entitled to her body and the fact that she is complaining that she is not having sex with him means she only thinks of him as a sex object.

Everything_Is_Rape · 2013-08-15T15:42:55+00:00

The wife's unfulfilled sexual desires are a physical discomfort and is an unwanted sexual situation the husband is forcing on her...without her consent. Lack of consent is the hallmark of rape.

Not screwing your wife is rape.

ttnorac · 2013-08-15T13:43:28+00:00

Or she isn't turning him on.

CapnDancyPants · 2013-08-15T15:35:48+00:00

This is true regardless of gender. If you define a relationship based on what you don't do with other people, then you need to do it with each other, or there's no difference. Monogamy is never celibacy!

TreyWalker · 2013-08-15T15:37:05+00:00

If a partner doesn't want sex, they a broken, crappy partner. We don't need to mince genders on this one.

twistedh8 · 2013-08-15T16:32:45+00:00

"I don't understand it. Every night I put on my sweat pants and t-shirt with my hair in a pony tail. I think he loves it when I dutch oven him. Why won't he fuck me? He is broken or gay." PFFFFT

hockeyrugby · 2013-08-15T17:07:28+00:00

why should she leave him if they love each other and he has issues. If the genders were reversed wouldnt that be what a deadbeat male does?

Crimson_D82 · 2013-08-15T18:42:03+00:00

If a man isn't a sex crazed sex rape machine then he must be broken and something is wrong with him; am I the only one who this both angers and saddens? Feminists need an enemy so badly they are actually teaching their cult members this?

Even worse perfectly sane women actually start to believe this shit....

Clausewitz1996 · 2013-08-15T18:45:36+00:00

...the author somehow concludes that he is a crappy partner because isn't sexually active? That doesn't make any logical sense. Sex is one aspect of the relationship, and assuming they got married for more than just the sex, it shouldn't be existential to the marriage. The advice the author gave was absolutely terrible. That newspaper should be ashamed of itself. In any event, most relationship columns are for 'dramatic entertainment' in the first place.

DarthOvious · 2013-08-16T06:15:32+00:00

He’s a crappy partner, not just in bed. He’s in denial about something — whether it’s his sexuality, past abuse, childhood trauma or a medical obstacle to healthy sexual responses.

So she admits he could be a victim of past abuse but still calls him a crappy partner? What a bitch.

Nutz76 · 2013-08-16T12:52:10+00:00

Classic example of Feminine Imperative.

JaydenPope · 2013-08-17T05:23:32+00:00

A lot of times these dating/relationship advice columns are one sided bullshit and this is one of those times. We don't know the guy's side and what's she's truly done and Ellie Tesher sure isn't bashing her for things.

Geez these "relationship" experts sure suck.

goldturtles · 2013-08-15T14:07:22+00:00

I myself suffer from that, it's called "I'm-not-attracted-to-you-itis." Even if y'all are married, that doesn't mean you couldn't grow to dislike each other. On the other hand maybe OP's hubby is just a tad insecure.
Reading that article made my brain bleed, so much wrongness.

WhiteManHasItWorst · 2013-08-15T14:25:04+00:00

Why are we taking this crappy article so seriously?

InterNetting · 2013-08-15T15:47:52+00:00

It's a simple shaming technique. You just have to prove dominance. Give her a simple, "Sit your ass down, and I'll fuck you when I get around to it." If she keeps running her mouth, you give her a look like you're about to murder her on the spot. She either keeps running her mouth at which point you realize she doesn't respect you for shit and you toss her out, or you're a bitch-boy and you put up with it.

BalllsackTBaghard · 2013-08-15T15:19:29+00:00

The advice is actually pretty sound. Don't start a family with someone, who disappoints you. But it is kinda late if you are already married and are just now discovering it. You have to know your partner through and through before you marry.

1standarduser · 2013-08-15T17:54:12+00:00

Could be low T, she is older, she might be fat, there could be a lot of reasons.

If a partner of either gender doesn't want to have sex though, it's time to try counseling and then likely divorce.

Atronn · 2013-08-15T19:03:51+00:00

If you read the article this is more than just not wanting sex, this is a man who has a completely different drive than the woman. Sex is a healthy part of a relationship and people need to be compatible in this as in other areas as well. I agree with the article that he should see a sex therapist and hopefully remedy the situation.

UDT22 · 2013-08-15T21:34:22+00:00

If you check your local paper in the legals section, you may notice as I have that most marriages that end in divorce do so in the first 2 years of marriage. The could be many reasons for this, but I'm sure sexual issues rank near or at the top.

rg57 · 2013-08-15T22:56:59+00:00

Unless both people have such low sex drives, it is not right to be with someone and send them away to masturbate themselves every night.

This should not be a gender issue, but simply how to pick a good mate.

2013-08-16T20:45:45+00:00

He’s a crappy partner, not just in bed. He’s in denial about something — whether it’s his sexuality, past abuse, childhood trauma or a medical obstacle to healthy sexual responses.

Or, you know, rampant sex might just not be his thing. He might be far more interested in cuddling.

Or perhaps he's intimidated by his partner's beauty and experience (she says he's 'only' had two previous relationships') and feels constant performance anxiety. Perhaps he's not even anxious but is simply inexperienced in comparison to her.

But no. He's 'crappy' and 'in denial', possibly gay, possibly abused as a child or in some way ill that prevents him from being this woman's on-demand sex dispenser.

Who the fuck gives these idiots to off advice, and worse, gives them a public soapbox to broadcast their awful ideas from?

AnnArchist · 2013-08-26T06:54:32+00:00

I'm willing to bet on this:

She doesn't suck start him.

TheLadyEve · 2013-08-15T20:54:30+00:00

Don’t start a family with this man from whom you’re very likely to end up divorced

Ouch, that is terrible advice. People sometimes have low libido--it's the couple's issue, why say something so awful?

2013-08-15T22:53:10+00:00

Thats retarded. If he doesn't want to have sex with her its probably because she is way older than him and starting to age.

Dronelisk · 2013-08-15T10:42:12+00:00

Huh so she wants to start a family

Sounds to me her husband has different plans.

theskepticalidealist · 2013-08-15T13:48:51+00:00

She's not wrong. Not sure what this has to do with mens rights?

Stratisphear · 2013-08-15T12:14:59+00:00

I wouldn't call this a double standard. I've seen plenty of columns about women who don't want to have sex. This isn't about him not being erect whenever she demands, it's about having sex less than once a month.

Title	If a man doesn't want sex, he must be broken and is a "crappy" partner
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	500
Comments	173
Date	August 15, 2013 10:36 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1ketd7/if_a_man_doesnt_want_sex_he_must_be_broken_and_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/if-a-man-doesnt-want-sex-he-must-be-broken-and-is.1166313 https://theredarchive.com/post/1166313

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