Paying for first date vs going half to “test” her.

Fuzzy_Department2799 · 2023-08-12T15:49:30+00:00

The problem is that men paying is so ingrained in western society that many women feel so entitled to it that even a lot of the non gold diggers are going to be put off by it and not go on a second date. If you are using a dating app just put in your bio that first dates will be split or let it be known during the chat that it is your expectation and they will weed themselves out. But your dates will probably be cut by about 90%

hwjk1997 · 2023-08-12T20:28:00+00:00

Women like to use dating apps for the free meals and entertainment. Be prepared to get a lot fewer dates if you decide to do that.

CawlinAlcarz · 2023-08-12T16:20:11+00:00

Years ago, I was on match (i know that this gives you an idea of how long ago this was) before I met (at a friend's wedding) the woman who would become my wife.

I probably had a half dozen first dates until I had a lunch date with this woman who I didn't match up with, but she was very kind and sweet, warned me that there were a lot of women just going out on dates to get a free meal.

Imo, the first date should be conversation focused and low cost: coffee, a sandwich, etc. Then, if you pay, it's only a few bucks. If the woman is not interested because you have a coffee and a scone at Starbucks, or if she refuses such a date proposal, then you already know all you need to know about her.

Key_Butterscotch1009 · 2023-08-12T16:10:21+00:00

I too struggled with this for a long time, then I put some rules in place.

I choose the time and place = I pay.

We compromise = Bill spilt

She chooses the time and place = She pays.

I am now exchanging my money for my time + food choice + price bracket, this is a win in my book. If she doesn't like my pick, I'm open to suggestions but she looses the privilege of me paying.

Setting boundaries and enforcing them is healthy in a relationship and you maybe surprised that quite a few women are happy to compromise and you don't lose face.

imbetterthanyou30 · 2023-08-12T17:44:52+00:00

My advice? Go to a museum. It allows you to engage or disengage with great fluidity, it tells you about the person's ability to appreciate other things, their curiosity, and it's memorable. Plus, it's pretty darn cheap. Alternatively, you can go to the park for a walk and feed the birds.

To me, the value isn't in the activity, but in learning about your potential mate.

NAWALT_VADER · 2023-08-12T19:14:17+00:00

It is only customary for the man to pay for everything if you keep maintaining that custom. Women who expect that or insist on that are not women you want. Immediate red flag. Just as it should be a red flag for a woman if a man expects the woman to be barefoot and pregnant staying in the kitchen.

Always split the bills. That is equality.

Minute_Ad_1494 · 2023-08-12T19:24:11+00:00

Unless you want a housewife, why should you have to pay?

pm_me_your_buttbulge · 2023-08-12T15:55:53+00:00

I learned to show up and get the table before she showed up. Tell the waiter you'd like separate checks.

At the end you can choose to take hers if you want. You avoid the awkward conversation that comes when they ask "same check or different".

A trick I learned is when the separate checks are delivered "I had a good time, we should do X next time, I'll pay. What'dya think?" where X is not a meal but is a thing you do - such as karaoke or whatever you have in common.

If you play Magic: The Gathering, for example, invite her over for cards and pizza. If she's not interested in doing... there's a fair enough chance she just wants food/alcohol from you.

Doing something also gives both of you time to interact and see how you do beyond simple eating and conversing. In the example above - are you forgiving towards mistakes? Are you super anal about rules? Are they actually intelligent in how they play? Do they play for fun or to win?

Just my $0.02.

baby_budda · 2023-08-12T17:49:52+00:00

What happened to meeting for a coffee or drink. Why are you guys splurging on dinner for the first date. If you meet for a coffee and you dont connect, no harm is done. You're out maybe $10. But dinner can be $100 easily with wine and desert. Unless you're flush with cash, I wouldn't do it, and they shouldn't expect it.

Pablo_the_cat · 2023-08-12T16:59:17+00:00

Customary? ..yeah.. in the 50s' .. Dude.. Always go half, or at least have her pay for what ever she orders. This "equality" shit women keep yapping on about isn't equality, it's supremacy. Given how much the dating pool has shrunk and the nonsense women spout.. All men should demand women pay for themselves until there is a relationship established. It's a question of self respect for men, really, at this point.. Or stop dating.. They love that, right? Without angry, bitter, sad, crying women, waddling about, talking about how no man wants them, there would not be TikTok..

Kyonkanno · 2023-08-12T17:30:00+00:00

First dates don't belong in restaurants, they belong in a coffee shop or a bar. You're just getting to know her.

This way you can cover the tab and it's not a big deal.

Tapis_Intermediate · 2023-08-12T21:38:56+00:00

In the poker game of life women are the rake….especially when it comes to free meals.

stent00 · 2023-08-12T23:31:42+00:00

Word of advice. Never take a woman to a restaurant on a first date. Only go for coffee or something simple. If she sticks around for more dates then yes take her out for dinner.

Original-Speech-9312 · 2023-08-12T16:01:13+00:00

"it’s customary for the man to pay for everything" it depends. If both of you have traditional mindset, you are sure she is not taking advantage on you for free meals while not being interested then it's ok to offer. But it's unlikely you will found a trad girl on tinder imho.

So either start small like a first date coffe/ice cream/a drink and offer while keeping an an eye on how she reacts(if she doesn't even act like she's reaching for her pursue etc it's a red flag to me)

or you straight up say you pay your half

SgtSplacker · 2023-08-12T17:38:31+00:00

I'd never go to a restaurant on a first date. Drinks, coffee or we go hang out at the beach or bar hop. I don't want to share a meal with a stranger.

yoitsericc · 2023-08-12T17:31:19+00:00

If you are on Bumble and Tinder you are fishing in a sewer. Practically no matter what you do they will do whatever the hell they want and show very little respect. It's honestly a miracle when those girls even show up to a date.

I would delete the app and start approaching women IRL instead. You will get shot down a lot but who cares. At least the women are real and have left the house and showered today.

Ordinary_Human2 · 2023-08-12T16:45:12+00:00

Just set the expectation of splitting the bill when talking to them. If they refuse don’t waste your time. Every date will work like your friend said even without splitting the bill. Sometimes you make a connection other times you don’t. I do need to say this though you should never expect anything just because you paid for a date! That includes, call backs, sex or anything else you may think you deserve because you paid for a date. Buying a date dinner doesn’t entitle you to anything from them. It isn’t a sign of them being a gold digger, I think you are confusing that with what a real gold digger is. A real one wouldn’t even look at you or me as we don’t have enough money to be worth it. Now there are woman that want free meals no doubt about that! The ones that get mad at you and say oh no only the man pays for the date those are the ones that want free meals and drinks. The best part is you don’t even have to respond.

Mrbigballsmcgee · 2023-08-12T18:04:35+00:00

I think it’s fine to pay on the first date (and I usually do)as a man but this is my opinion on this. When the check comes and she doesn’t even make a .0000001 effort to contribute, that is our last date. Depending on how the date went I don’t mind paying when I know I won’t see them again but if they straight up suck then yea split the check. This is the way men.

These trash women expect you to pay for everything and you cannot expect anything from them, especially sex. Look for the flags and run. After you date enough they stand out like crazy.

Tanman55555 · 2023-08-12T20:12:31+00:00

If i ask a girl out to dinner im paying out of respect generally since i planned it If we are walking and we are hungry im paying my part But women make money these days Doesnt make sense to pay for their meal unless they are legit old school like a princess of some sort and those are almost astronomically rare in the west if even existent

HotPrior477 · 2023-08-12T20:22:01+00:00

Just take them to Starbucks.

Shelinedion · 2023-08-12T23:10:42+00:00

as a woman i thhink it should always be split on first and maybe second and third, however the two feel but of course if either side wants to pay thats their choice. women who go out expecting the man to pay are insane to me. i hear stories on here sometimes like they leave the whole wallet at home. i could neverrrr i would be so anxious. thank God I'm not dating anymore lolol

Yamazaki23 · 2023-08-12T16:05:37+00:00

Always half on the 1st one. If that offends her then there won't be a 2nd date. On the next one you can do as you wish

osonim69 · 2023-08-12T16:41:35+00:00

Simple solution is to go on cheaper first dates (coffee, cheap lunch) and then just pay it. If you really prefer dinner dates then yeah the bill should be split IMO unless you’re loaded and clearly have much more money like a banker or something.

lokofloko · 2023-08-12T20:47:29+00:00

I have gotten laid more from going half and half than paying for the whole meal. Take it as you will.

I think it’s got something to do with them feeling it’s their choice. When you pay for their food or whatever it is y’all are doing and you decide to pay, it may feel, to the opposite sex, like they owe you something which in turn they hold onto and don’t wanna give you (whatever it is doesn’t only have to be sex). But when I’ve gone half and half with them I guess they feel like it’s their choice and they can and do make a decision. It’s my choice to do “blank” with so and so because I want to. Not because he paid for “whatever said thing is”.

Again take it as you will. It’s just my 2 cents of how it’s gone on in my side of the world.

GlassHalfFull132 · 2023-08-12T23:30:46+00:00

First date - don't get food. Get a coffee and walk around, chat, etc. She gets nothing until she proves she's into it for the long haul, and not just looking for a free feed. Works as a great filter for the hoes.

No-Knowledge-8867 · 2023-08-12T23:33:48+00:00

I also understand that it’s customary for the man to pay for everything,

Men paying for dates is only really customary in the US. It's far less common in Europe and Australia.

I would suggest, though, that you do three things.

Find cheaper options for first dates. Museums and galleries are a good option. Where I live, a lot of smaller galleries will have opening nights, and some will provide free booze. You can head to one, have a few drinks, and if things go well, grab a cheap eat somewhere on the walk back. Bigger museums and galleries are often free and do free tours. These give you a side topic to discuss if the conversation needs some padding.

Become less reliant on dating apps to meet women. Join some social clubs or find some social activities where you're likely to meet multiple women. You can actually find out if someone is interesting before asking for their number or asking them out.

Finally, become comfortable without being with someone. Make sure you have a good group of friends that you see regularly. If you have that, you'll have higher standards for yourself and won't get frustrated wasting your time on multiple bottom of the barrel women. Don't be afraid to walk out on women who aren't worth your time.

Sunociva1 · 2023-08-13T00:17:16+00:00

MANY MANY women use those apps for free meals. If you suggest splitting the bill before the date, there won't ba a date. Honestly less stressful just to mgtow it tbh. Go on a trip to another country if you're looking for a mate. US women are fuct in the head now.

WhereProgressIsMade · 2023-08-12T16:43:59+00:00

My approach for a first date was to just ask her out to go do something cheap and I’d just pay. Something like, “Hey I’ve been wanting to hit up this mini-golf place. Would you want to come with on Thursday at 7 pm?” I found an activity worked better to get a read on body language and it helped spark some conversation too. If it was going really well I’d ask if she’d want to go grab some desert and chat some more there.

I’d keep doing cheap dates for a month or so if I was interested. I figured any gold diggers would weed themself out. I looked for women who would start planning a date in return. If they didn’t, I just moved on because I didn’t want to have to pull all the weight.

jonnytechno · 2023-08-12T21:51:48+00:00

Never got to a meal on the 1st date, it should be drink or some activity, walk. I tell this in advance to girls and not only do they get it but they agree ... "I'm happy to cover the whole tab when I'm out with loved ones or close friends but I am NOT picking up the whole tab for every stranger that thinks they want to get to know me ... that'll be drinks or somethin" ... drinks are also an easier way to spot freeloaders

1837-1980 · 2023-08-15T04:04:25+00:00

Your first mistake was doing online dating, sweety. That’s not a good idea, most people on dating apps are not the best. I suggest getting to know the people you meet in person and go from there. As far as the money that just depends on what you want to do, but I am telling you if you already have gotten to know each other a little without dating on mind then go for it. My first date was at a nature preserve. I prefer nature over a restaurant date any day. Picnics too, I love picnics.

TommyGunQuartet · 2023-08-12T15:57:07+00:00

If me and my friends go to the bar, we either take turns buying drinks or buy our own. These are people I have invested hundreds of hours of my life with, probably thousands including school friends, and yet I don't buy them dinner when we go out.

Why would I pay for somebody I have no investment in?

The only answer, let's be honest, is that I hope it leads to sex. But, I also don't pay for sex.

Therefore, I split all dates 50/50.

Samphilbags · 2023-08-12T17:36:03+00:00

My advice: Do not do dinner 1st dates unless she is incredibly warm and sweet to you and you like your odds of taking her home that night.

I expect my women to contribute, period. It may not be the first date, but at some point she will contribute paying for stuff or I cut her off. The only dependent I have is my child.

As the guy, you are already adding value by planning and coordinating the date. Being expected to pay the bill as well is unfair.

AllGearedUp · 2023-08-12T22:55:46+00:00

I think it's ridiculous there is any expectation for a man to pay instead of a woman. What is the reasoning for modern day? Women want a display of interest? I can't give you that if we haven't met. Are we not both interested in finding a partner? Both unsure if it will work but want to try and find out? Why are we not both putting the same thing into the meeting? I don't want to be with someone who needs to be impressed by money or anything else. I want to spend my time with adults who can take care of themselves and want to add something to their life, not compensate for something they're missing. Expecting to have your way paid when both parties have the same interest and intent makes no sense to me at all. I want an equal, not a dependant.

chortle-guffaw · 2023-08-13T00:27:00+00:00

Dinner for first dates is not a good choice. The women who ghosted you afterwards, maybe some of them just weren't into you, some of them were just after a free dinner.

I think a first date should be short and casual, maybe a walk along a lake and a coffee. Or, maybe just coffee. Just long enough to see if there is chemistry. You want to meet women who understand this. If most women won't agree to this, it's OK. You've saved time and money.

new-fayzr · 2023-08-13T00:31:12+00:00

Bro what? Why? First dates should never include money. Meet at a coffee shop at the most get there before her buy your coffee sit down and wait for her to arrive and let her buy her own coffee. If a woman is genuinely interested money will mean nothing. I've had over 30 coffee dates and many of them have gone very smooth.

TheNattyJew · 2023-08-12T23:12:04+00:00

Go out for a drink, no food.

Nabranes · 2023-08-13T00:06:59+00:00

Nahh wtf paying based on sex isn’t customary it’s sexist

Century22nd · 2023-08-13T03:33:07+00:00

Most women today on a first date will pay their half....the ones that don't seem to NEVER offer to pay the entire time we date....those are the ones I choose to no longer date, i'm not a walking paycheck and don't want to be used as one.

I mean you can try to continue dating her if she does not offer to pay her half on the first date, but if you notice a pattern then she is just using you and you don't want someone like that.

Top-Bumblebee8411 · 2023-08-12T17:04:55+00:00

Just pay for your dates. If you don’t you won’t get alot of good women. I don’t think men’s rights is about equality. It’s an illusion. We just want to stop being maligned every where we go. But if you are looking for a mate you are looking for a generous person in love and kindness. So be generous with what you have. And if you don’t have a lot. Start out with coffee.

Darth_Humorous · 2023-08-13T15:28:37+00:00

To split the bill is usually not very smooth. I do agree things should be split, but splitting at pay time at the restaurant is the worst.

The best way I've found is to tell her "Let me get the dinner, you get first two rounds of drinks" or "Let me get the dinner, you get next one".

Most cases (85%+) she will say yes, no issues. She will pay for drinks or dinner the next date. Sometimes, she will leave after dinner with some excuse or not show next date, at which point you block and move on. She was a gold digger. Take it as dating expenses. I haven't had any other reaction other than those two.

Ideally though, first date should be drinks, coffee or ice-cream. If the vibe is good and you go to several places you can get the bill sometimes and ask her to get the bill sometimes. For instance, I've had dates that started in the afternoon with ice-cream paid by me and ended in a museum with the entrance paid by her.

Saccharinesweeti · 2023-08-14T07:32:45+00:00

I want you to take this into consideration: Men: $12.99 (new shirt) maybe probably not $6.00 shaving cream Hair gel $3

Women: the good shampoo $47/per bottle Conditioner $47/per bottle Hairprotectant: $15 Full body wax:$ 180 (not including tip) Make up: $120 (that's just what she used that day) Dress:$110 Manicure and pedicure: $200 (not including tip) Perfume: $10 (just what she used from the bottle) Heels $200 Purse $400

Every time a man complains about paying a $60 dollar tab because they don't want to be considered a gold digger. No sir, YOU are the gold digger I look too good to be cheated out of a wholesome meal. Get your shit together brother.

SmokingBouquets · 2023-08-12T19:09:58+00:00

For me it’s a red flag if she happily pays 50:50 in the first date. The chance of her being a feminist who thinks she is doing a statement of equality by paying 50:50 is bigger.

You can downgrade the first dates from food and wine to just a coffee or a couple cocktails and save some money off those random tinder dates. It will also show that she is all bullshit if she thinks that the date was cheap or something. That’s a test and you can still be traditional and pay but don’t lose so much money on a random tinder date.

Century22nd · 2023-08-12T21:10:49+00:00

Most women today on a first date will pay their half....the ones that don't seem to NEVER off to pay the entire time we date....those are the ones I choose to no longer date, i'm not a walking paycheck and don't want to be used as one.

threwawaythedaytoday · 2023-08-13T09:50:21+00:00

Ye always split the bill no matter what. This is not a date to "treat" her. You have every right to not be with a scrounger.

Intelligent-Term · 2023-08-12T16:28:00+00:00

This is why I don't like mixing men's rights issues with dating strats and stats.

Hetero men should be masculine. Masculinity is an acceptance that we are providers, protectors, and safety nets for women and children. It is an acceptance that we don't mind being the primary breadwinners and the holder of assets as long as we're respected and as long as the situation is fair.

My view of men's rights is to protect and foster masculinity, and show that it is something to be lauded and protected by laws.

And I lobby for women to be more traditionally feminine. In today's climate, I know it's extremely unlikely to happen that most women are going to wake up one day and think “Hmm, maybe I should be traditionally feminine”. So I am careful to separate what I believe versus what I do.

I don't date. But if I did I wouldn't have any problems with paying for the dinner/movie, etc. Call me old fashioned. Call me a simp. But I still reserve chivalry for women I don't know...unless they prove to me before we even meet up that they're not worth it.

If I totally gave up on any hope and allowed it to fester inside me, then I'd be black pilled. I don't want that.

MJS29 · 2023-08-13T08:10:23+00:00

I think you’ve got bigger problems if every date ends in you being ghosted

nitrid1 · 2023-08-13T06:58:41+00:00

We must all stop paying for first dates. When the majority stops paying for (first) dates we all drop 90% together.

Get used to encounter more femcels in the future. 😂

MisterBowTies · 2023-08-13T12:04:47+00:00

Being in the presence of a woman isn't worth the price of a meal and drinks. Get to know them first, do something cheap, free, or spilt the bill. There is nothing wrong with picking up the tab after you've made sure she's not just doing it for a free meal.

StableStarStuff2964 · 2023-08-13T11:59:30+00:00

I wouldn’t want to rob any woman of her feelings of self-worth, independence, and strength, so I let them pay for the first date. It’s a good opportunity for me to show women how much I support them and their rights. I don’t want them to think I’m sexist or that I am just another proponent of patriarchy and/or toxic masculinity.

storm838 · 2023-08-12T18:47:21+00:00

Whoever asks generally pays, it's nice when the other person offers to chip in when the check is due. If someone picks up my tab I always offer to get the tip.

Asatmaya · 2023-08-12T15:55:35+00:00

First of all, this is such a small thing that I don't even worry about it; I always offer to pay, at least while dating, and consider it a plus if she offers to go Dutch. Once in a relationship, especially cohabitating, a budget and reasonable expectations must be set.

That being said, I don't put up with any other "shit tests," and may express a preference for some female-normative behavior from her (e.g. "I really like women in skirts or dresses").

HotRaise4194 · 2023-08-12T16:46:13+00:00

I’m all about paying for the first date and beyond. My current girlfriend saw me pay for everything until she took initiative and started picking up the tab a few times. She did start asking if I wanted money before this. We’ve never split a cheque however, one of us always pays the full bill and prefer it to me as much as possible but her picking up the cheque on occasion is a nice, albeit unnecessary, gesture.

Many may not feel the way I do because they may not have the upbringing I did. My father worked and my mother was a stay at home mom. My dad always paid for everything because he my mother had no income. My mother even had a cleaning lady come by so she didn’t have to life a finger. The history behind men paying for dates, while from a bygone era, is to demonstrate that you can provide.

G4RRETT · 2023-08-12T19:30:38+00:00

Ask yourself this—why would a girl go out with a guy that won’t even pay for the first date when there are plenty of guys that are happy to. Simple as that

ChickenGyro420 · 2023-08-15T22:50:31+00:00

Im not mr beast, this isnt youtube. I dont invest more than my fair share in strangers. pay for your own meal or dont waste my time, you definitely wont be wasting my money

acemiller11 · 2023-08-18T02:08:17+00:00

I would recommend cheaper first dates. Get coffee or just drinks especially for tinder/bumble dates. There are lots of activities you can do for free too. It would give you a better chance at a second and a third date too if you just meet for a cup of coffee hung out for an hour or two then make plans a second date. I would only get diner with someone I knew a little.

Title	Paying for first date vs going half to “test” her.
Author	SpaceGhost113
Upvotes	228
Comments	112
Date	August 12, 2023 3:35 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/15p7nr0/paying_for_first_date_vs_going_half_to_test_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/paying-for-first-date-vs-going-half-to-test-her.1228400 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228400

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