Men who wanted out

anon4hlp · 2023-10-06T13:05:42+00:00

I wanted out because we were fighting all the time, we had horrible communication and I had the feeling I was spending 100% of my energy to keep her from panicking. She told me that was unfair and not true.

Fast forward two years... I was apparently right. I have currently 100% custody of the kids because she's hospitalised due to repeated panic attacks and alcohol abuse. I'm not sure how to feel about that because on the one hand I'd like her to do well but weirdly enough taking care of the kids alone is less stressful than being in a broken relationship with two kids.

techrmd3 · 2023-10-06T13:58:07+00:00

>so I’m ready to pull the plug and take the financial hit. I’d rather be poor than unhappy.

Careful about this

Post divorce you can EASILY be POOR AND UNHAPPY

What I have suggested to many of my male friends is this: If you are trending to being single. What type of single life do you wish to have?

Most say something like "I want to travel", "I want to date lots of women", " I want to live in X cool area"

I then say do you currently make enough money to make that happen?

The answer is usually not.

I then say if you made that money do you have the knowledge about Travel, Women, New Houses, Decorating, Housekeeping etc etc that WILL ENABLE that life to happen.

The answer is a BLANK look.

I remind them... they are LIVING their life now. If they might want to do all these things. NOW is the time to work on career. NOW is the time to read up on how to date new women. NOW is the time to read up on area X. Now is the time to read up on Home Decorating.

Don't wait. Your marriage may end. But there are a GREAT MANY things you can do RIGHT NOW to prepare for what may actually happen!

Orwell_Hear · 2023-10-06T12:21:42+00:00

I’m in a very similar situation. I’ll skip the details, but I made 3 consultation appointments with attorneys this week and looked at a couple of apartments. I’m hoping to find the final clarity I need prior to initiating divorce through one of the attorneys I go with.

The divorce talk is causing a lot of anxiety, but I’ve been rehearsing in my head. I’ll ultimately write it out to stamp it into my brain… plus she’ll have a copy of what I said since she’ll be in shock and not remember what I said. I did the same when I confronted her in the EA I discovered.

Feel free to DM me if you ever feel like chatting through scenarios or for support.

soontobesolo · 2023-10-06T13:16:56+00:00

This was me, though my kid isn't grown.

It's been absolutely amazing. Yes, the process sucks and it's painful, but it's soooo worth it. I'm so much happier now, I'm making new friends, I'm dating, and having more sex than I've had in many years. Plenty of great ladies out there in the same situation looking for guys like us (I'm 50+ fwiw).

But before you make any moves, talk to a lawyer and strategize very carefully. The financial hit can be reduced substantially with some planning.

The advice I usually give is to take time for yourself for a while, and get your head straight. Most say a year before you date. In the meantime, start going to the gym now. It's as much for your mind as your body. Get therapy.

But good for you, life is too short to spend time in misery.

wodanob508 · 2023-10-06T12:24:21+00:00

ask a lawyer before you move out, moving out without separation agreement (in some U.S. states) can constitute abandonment.

captainchippsixx · 2023-10-06T12:52:40+00:00

I am definitely happier but poor. I make over $100k a year and yep poor.

The biggest problem is rents are up my azzz expensive. $2600 for a 2 bedroom apt. I had to have a roommate and the first 2 i was with were less than ideal. I live with my gf now but pay $1300. But paying alimony/child support and have a place just big enough for my teens to stay with me on there days/nights with me.

My ex is finally working full time but we’ll below what she could be making. I need to see a lawyer about some clauses ( taxes changed and medical agreement so therefore I can ask for less to pay)

You pay taxes on the money you give her as well. Just remember that. Kiss good bye the refunds every year. So don’t give anything for free during the process.

Almost all spouses (women) will do the following when you tell them divorce - money grab accounts and spending spree - destroy your personal belongings - make false accusations against you which could involve the police - crest a very different story to her family and yours and friends that you a very bad person

so when you do drop the bomb- be honey with the families and kids why you need a divorce. Move your mementos and important belongings out of the house (slowly and discreetly)
put alerts on all accounts and change passwords talk to lawyer about what you can do in moving some money for yourself that would be legal.

upfnothing · 2023-10-06T13:32:13+00:00

I divorced her cause she was unfaithful and would not make the serious effort to save the marriage. The usual: not going to therapy no matter what, then not going to marriage therapy, etc. My co-workers (teachers are close like that) practically begged me to leave her a year or two before the string unraveling of her wickedness. Never took their advice.

Looking back not heeding their advice at that exact moment was my greatest mistake. As a veteran with PTSD it’s extremely hard to find permanent employment. I had a job of 7 years and gave it up to save her and to change my reality cause I refused to see that the problem was her. My life is hard because I gave up everything too late. If you are on the bubble just pull the trigger. Life is hard but you’re only making it harder for yourself.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-10-06T16:16:22+00:00

Just do it. Rip the bandaid off. You get more anxiety and worried the longer your wait.

theweave48 · 2023-10-06T17:55:48+00:00

I guess I am the anomaly here in this thread. I wanted out of my marriage due to a lot of different circumstances. Luckily I was only married for 5 years so I left and have no kids. I pay no alimony and my parents are helping me with letting me stay till I get a house instead of an apartment. I make good money and honestly it was the best choice I ever made. I was mentally unwell and I encourage any man who is thinking about doing it to do so due to the mental freedom you have afterwards

richreason1983 · 2023-10-06T15:48:11+00:00

Do it I wanted to and held out and eventually she did it and it hit me hard...

S4z3r4c · 2023-10-06T21:51:44+00:00

Best decision I ever made. She was way richer so surprise surprise everything was down to "who bought it"

Sorry, but my cock is only going to work for so long lol. I deserve better than a narcissistic brat who doesn't put out unless I've "been good"

FUCK THAT, OP.

Competitive_Drama601 · 2023-10-07T00:36:43+00:00

Man, this is tough. I'm one of these guys you mention, and I'm a year in. I would say it's MUCH harder than I thought it would be, because she chose to use the (grown) kids against me when she knew I wanted to move on from her.

Depending on how long you were married, and how many "good times" you had with her, it may be harder or easier. I was married a LONG time, and had MANY great memories, but as I got older, she was the same woman I married and I had changed so much. We just weren't compatible any more, and it was a choice of living life as my authentic self, or always bending to the way she sees me.

I took a massive risk and made it happen, but my god, it's hard. And expensive. And tough on the kids.

But what's the alternative???

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-10-09T23:02:58+00:00

I wanted out. I asked for a divorce several times before I actually got it. I knew the marriage was bad, and I knew there was basically no hope to recover it.

For me, divorce has been great. I came out of it easier than most really... we didn't fight much through the divorce. I lost a good chunk of money and it reset some long-term financial planning, but 2 years later, I don't even think about it anymore really. Just focused on rebuilding bigger and better than ever.

I think my ex wanted out too, just didn't want to admit it. But she's fine, too.

My life isn't perfect, but it's better than it was. I haven't had a moment of regret since the papers were signed. Just onwards and upwards now.

Potential-Low-3632 · 2023-10-06T15:58:29+00:00

My ex-wife and I divorced in 2011 after she left our home one night with our newborn son. She was a heavy drinker and often picked fights with me. She even spat in my face once. She took our son to her mom’s place in Florida and I hired a lawyer to get custody. We still don’t have a parenting plan for our son and she has gone through three lawyers who quit on her. I have tried mediation three times but it failed. Now I’m going back to court to see my son more. I’m happy to be free from her, but sad that my son is with her most of the time. She broke me, but I’m healing.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-10-06T19:40:53+00:00

Perhaps length of marriage means more than who called the time of death.

I had 20+ years of marriage. But the actual marriage ended years before we divorced. So the emotional side was kind of meager. Separated. 90 days later slept together. Felt nothing. Divorced. It was easy to get over the emotional side. The financial side hit hard. 3+ years and I still don't feel I recovered fully. I'm 50+ replanning my retirement.

It's probably the opposite for young couples. Emotional wreck. One or the other probably felt blind sided. But not much financial angst and a lifetime to recover.

MusicianSilent6772 · 2023-10-07T13:22:22+00:00

Bro I feel you. I want out to. She has cheated and I have cheated, I didn’t love those girls. She trying to hide her feelings for him. I don’t want to take her anywhere at all suppose to go to Jamaica 🇯🇲 next year, but I don’t go anywhere with her. I can cheat all want she don’t give a fuck. Seems like a win win.

We got this rental property in Texas with a 2% rate rent is only 1000 for 3100sq home. I don’t want to sell because of the 2% but we could split the money. I need to leave her fr fr.

I just want peace to..

Illustrious_Cut_1839 · 2023-10-08T21:22:11+00:00

Once you decide to get divorced and tell your spouse you become legal opponents. Things could get nasty. You endure the legal separation, deal with some major changes, and in a few years you feel better. Not easy but worth the work. You need to be ready for different types of spousal behavior.

The dating while divorced is a roller coaster. Be sure to have your network of support people and be emotionally ready. Good luck

pk2at · 2023-10-06T15:44:02+00:00

Also guys, like a broken record I keep repeating, plan your finances, refinance your house and cash out your bank account, move money to accounts she does not know, setup trusts, get legal separation, transfer money to relatives etc. The discovery process heavily favors those that hide, plan and do not disclose. Most people are not rich enough for their wife's lawyer to go forensic accounting route, they will most likely let go if you hide

dnbndnb · 2023-10-06T17:00:30+00:00

A lawyer is your most important first step. Only they can tell you your financial exposure. Make sure you have copies of finances or can recite off the top of your head all pertinent info about mortgage, savings, 401k etc. in some states you could be on the hook for endless alimony and if you’re in one, convincing the spouse to relocate to another that more divorce healthy for weather/health reasons could be a good plan (if possible). Or, as I noted some time ago in a post, a mid-life “crisis” of taking up riding motorcycles on weekend trips could free up time for extracurricular activities…

whiskey_piker · 2023-10-06T17:35:00+00:00

Everybody’s situation is totally different, but I do understand the desire to find somebody that through the same thing you’re going through.

The clarity you need? Make the decision and then take the next steps as they come. Don’t get stuck on “ok, the next 5 steps need to line ip and look good with no bad outcomes”. Plan for shit to go sideways and be pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t. Pick a strong attorney that is experienced and has gray hair and then listen to everything they say. Don’t get tied up on spending money because the costs are going to be what they are. Remember - people do not change and everybody deserves happiness. Don’t worry about what your STBX will do for money or life or friends. Just concentration the relationship you have with your kids and NEVER talk negatively about the Mom.

I divorced my ex after 18 years married in about 23 years together when I was in my late 40’s. Unlike most we had a very active sex life, including regular threesomes with younger single girls (late20’s/30’s) - we were in ealry 40’s but I’ve always been fit and attractive. As awesome as that setup was, her narcissistic behavior went into overdrive. I was totally finished. It was an extremely rough 8 to 12 months for me as I processed the only move that was left which was divorce by the time I got to this point, I’m sure you know, you just can’t stay in person and there’s no real going back. Odd since our relationship was kind of held up as like the most desirable awesome strong relationship anyone in our friend group would want to have I think the kids were eight and 11 when we told them in for what it’s worth, the time to talk about marriage counseling isn’t that when you decided you want to divorce, it’s like 10 years earlier when you’re starting to get resentful. So that’s definitely on me, however, everything I know today, this point being eight years later, absolutely the right decision. I’m engaged to a beautiful, successful woman. That’s about 15 years younger than I am and my kids have relatively recently cut all contact with their mom because she’s just such a piece of shit – still doing the emotionally abusive, narcissistic crap with them that she did with me.

SignificantPen1609 · 2023-10-06T18:03:32+00:00

I just want to suggest to you and guys that are going pooor from divorce that you can live like a king in the Philippines. Rent is like $300- $400 usd a month , the cost of living is super cheap, and the women are submissive. I have a friend who made this move and I’m gonna join him. Thought I’d put it out there.

wisstinks4 · 2023-10-06T16:52:00+00:00

I admire your resiliency to make it work awhile. Women that are lazy and dont try are no fun. Sometimes sticking it out due to abandonment will not work.

Actingaccordingly007 · 2023-10-06T23:33:53+00:00

If the relationship has been like it is for years, do u think she will be surprised and defensive or relieved and accepting? I really think it comes down to the exit strategy. Also, not so much what you say but how you say it.

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2023-10-07T00:06:49+00:00

I left because she was not there for me. I am a trillion times happier. I found a new woman immediately. My new woman loves to make love to me. You don’t even need to be good looking or anything to find a better woman. Just be fun and cool and enjoy your success in life and you will get what you are looking for in life.

I wanted kindness and romance and love. I don’t mind the financial hit I had to pay what many would consider a large amount of resources. It was all worth it. Now I have true love.

I made sure my children have trust funds already and I control them so they will be setup for life as well. They are young but they are more secure than most people will ever be due to the preparedness we have created for them.

Please just make sure you enjoy every moment you have here during this limited lifetime.

Life is too short to waste on a frigid partnership.

Title	Men who wanted out
Author	Sea-Bluebird-1678
Upvotes	52
Comments	56
Date	October 6, 2023 11:29 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1719ugc/men_who_wanted_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-who-wanted-out.1234262 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234262

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