I’m a formerly poor woman who married into extreme wealth. AMA!

I’ve thought about doing this for a long time now, so here I am to share the insights I can’t share anywhere else.

I’m the lucky one. I’m not a lower middle class person who moved to upper middle class, or an upper middle class person who married a wealthier man. I am a person who has literally been (briefly) homeless, now married to a person who owns a jet. The difference between my former and current lives is almost inconceivable and I pinch myself every day. Here is my insider knowledge for all the rest of you ladies. I’m going to try not to be identifiable, and I believe there are enough Bay Area tech and VC wives to maintain anonymity. :)

1) LOCATION: I went for West Coast, Bay Area new tech money. These boys come from a wide range of backgrounds, have colorful interests, and like to party hard. I’ve seen men in this scene with net worths in the tens of millions marrying women covered in tattoos, women who were escorts and strippers, women over 40, single mothers - it’s maybe not the most common and they’re still more likely to choose these women to date than to marry but ultimately all the rules are out the window if you’re interesting, hot, and can hang and keep up. I myself have several characteristics that this sub would say categorize me as a very “low value” woman. It’s not hard to get in with this crowd if you position yourself well. I’m uncomfortable when we hobnob with East Coast old money and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to snag one of those men, so be aware of my perspective as we proceed. There’s an exodus from California currently but Bay Area, Austin, and Seattle are still great choices. Or, take a shortcut and just go to Burning Man :)

2) With that said, you still need an in. MOST wives of my husband’s colleagues went to a top-tier school even if they promptly became a housewife. The ones who didn’t worked in-industry (venture capital and tech for us), even if their role was not distinguished. There are others who went for older women distinguished in her field, but her field is like hair styling or acupuncture or nutrition or some “womanly” thing. Then there’s a smaller category of really bold, out-there guys who went for colorful hotties, sexy performance artists of various bizarre stripes. Then there’s an even smaller category who went for the diamond in the rough - a really special girl with nothing to show. The absolute wealthiest man I personally know, a literal billionaire, married a divorced woman in her 30s who worked at a tiny yoga studio and is pretty but not gorgeous, because they attended the same event and had a few of the same friends, and she really was a special girl.

My “in” was the right school and youth. Because of coming from a disadvantaged background, I did not have the supports I needed to get into a good school for undergrad. I was 25 before I managed to get into an Ivy for grad school and that’s what I’d recommend to you all, because it’s infinitely easier to get into these schools for grad school than undergrad, you have time to build your resume and application, you can pick one of the less selective and easier majors and no one cares which you went for. I actually only finished a year, chose the least selective major, and didn’t graduate, but I still can say I “went to X school” just as much as the rich kid who got in for STEM undergrad. Or more importantly, my husband can say it to his colleagues about me, and they’re satisfied I’m one of them.

My husband and I are now 30s and 50s but I was late 20s when we got together. I am attractive but I also put in a lot of effort. My BMI stays around 19 besides the first few months postpartum, I get Botox but have no plastic surgery, and I am fit. Understated hair and makeup. I work strategically hard at dressing and appearing in a youthful manner because I unfortunately know youth is one reason he picked me (and yes late 20s is still young, don’t listen to the men here who tell you otherwise). He really likes having a wife to introduce that is noticeably younger than him.

I personally find older men attractive but think twice if you don’t.

3) The best way to learn how to fit in with your target crowd is to be around them. I know no other way, really. You’ll find lots of guides on the Internet but mostly they are outdated, or embarrassing caricatures of what people think wealthy people are like, or target one specific demographic that might not be the one you’ll have most access to. Don’t pay attention to these or you’ll just come off as a tryhard.

So the best thing to do is to observe the way the women in your target group talk, the way they dress and do their hair, what they say they do in their free time, how they socialize.

There are only a few constants I’ve seen across groups, as my husband’s colleagues hail from many countries and backgrounds. I have NEVER seen an extremely wealthy person regularly eating fast food/junk food. For all of them, health is a priority and something to take pride in. You don’t work out because you want to look hot, that’s a plebe thing to do. You work out because you are so grateful 🙏✨ to nourish your soul 💗☀️ namaste 🧘‍♀️, or you work out because you spend a lot of time on the slopes or surfing or playing pickleball or riding horses or whatever bougie sport you’re into. Health, mental and physical, becomes the foremost interest for almost all wealthy people, so to blend in with them you’ll need to develop it as much as you can.

There’s also a sense of confidence, ease, and entitlement that sets these people apart. I don’t mean entitlement in a negative sense, as many wealthy people I know are reasonably humble and kind (it’s easier to be humble and kind when you’re extremely resourced and can fly to a million different meditation retreats). By entitlement I mean a comfortable air of “yes, I belong here and I deserve this”. Imagine being waited on by a team of swooning adults from early childhood.

I have only just developed this after more than a half decade of marriage. I didn’t feel comfortable on yachts or mingling with the elite or meeting celebrities. I felt like an impostor, was afraid of being exposed, made many faux pas, and outed myself as a trashy wannabe many times. Only recently have I come to have enough experiences of luxury and service to begin to have an identity of “I am an important person who deserves to be served and pampered”. Finally I feel confident in my skin, totally unashamed of my background, and don’t immediately notice someone’s position and think them superior to me.

4) I would put in twice the effort all over again to have this lifestyle. It’s absolutely worth it in ways I could never have imagined.

I worry about NOTHING. My house is cleaned and maintained and repaired, my dishes and laundry mysteriously disappear and are handled, my cars are in pristine shape. My meals are cooked and delicious and tailored to many specifications for nutrition and taste. My vacations are planned and booked, invites to the right parties are taken care of. We’re not herded like cattle through the airport to get to our destinations. The nanny is always present to give me a break so I can use the bathroom, work out, read, relax. I pour myself into my children and my volunteer work so yes, before you ask, my life has way more meaning and fulfillment than it did when I was taking the city bus to my shitty retail job.

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship perhaps in part because we have the luxury of time together, we don’t fight about money, we can stay attractive for each other, we can take off for a couples’ retreat in Hawaii any time we feel like things are on the rocks, we can bring in a famous author of marriage books to coach us at the slightest sign of trouble.

I recommend this path to any woman who can pull it off, if not for you then for your children. None of the benefits I’ve listed above can come close to comparing with the peace of mind that comes with knowing my children have as much safety as a child can have and a world of opportunity open to them.

AMA!