ON GIVING VALUE: Why you're not being invited out to do cool things

IV-65536 · 2011-10-18T03:38:34+00:00

I'd like to add my own stuffs.

•be happy for people
•compliment them on stuff you find cool about them
•express gratitude
•make other people seem good

TrickyTramp · 2011-10-18T02:02:42+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I almost never get invited to do fun things at school (maybe part of the reason is that I go to an engineering school...)

espanabarca · 2011-10-18T02:27:06+00:00

What about those of us that invite others out to do things, but end up going alone because no one seems to care :/. That's my current social life at the moment.

Doesn't mean I don't have fun on the weekends, but it would still be nice to actually have someone accept an invitation.

sithyiscool · 2011-10-18T07:03:19+00:00

YEEESSSSSSS! Awesome post. My sentiments as of late exactly. Seriously, bring people value and you become cool. My 2 cents:

Don't be cheap. Buy your friends shit. Yes, I buy my friends drinks sometimes and sometimes pay their cover just for fun. If someone gets a table, even if I didn't know about it, I pitch in cause it's expensive and I appreciate it. I eliminate friends from going out if I get a cheap vibe (huge DLV imo). Buy shit especially for girls that are just friends. This pays back huge. 1 drink for my winggirl or paying her 5 dollar cover and she gives me tons of social proof. Don't go out buying friends but do nice stuff every once and a while. Surprise people with a nice bottle of wine to share, etc. I guess I'm older so this is very common to do nice favors for your friends but it needs to be said for you younger folks.

Give value to everyone not just the cool people This is critical and amazing for inner game development. I got this off Tyler BluePrint. Don't give all your value to the cool people or the hot chicks. This is probably approval seeking and you are actually taking value. In fact, if you want to really be a genuine high value person, do the complete opposite and bring value to everyone you meet especially those that are not cool. Recently I've been actively finding the people that are left out and bringing them into the fold. Like, I've been opening the uglier girls that rarely get attention and just making jokes and being cool with them. This helps my game (not approval seeking), increases my social proof, and you find diamonds in the rough. I'm actually super attracted to this girl now that wouldn't have even made my radar based on looks but she's so funny and sexy in a quirky way that I want to jump her bones.... who knew? Anyways, don't always chase the warm end of the pool as they say. Make whereever you are the warm end.

Plan shit This is what I'm working on. Plan the Friday night outing. Call people, be enthusiastic, risk no shows, that's alpha. I'm still getting there, I prefer to let others do it, but I now realize it's because of fear of rejection or not living up to my expectations. Anyways, be an organizer. Be the promoter in a way!

frogma · 2011-10-18T16:11:19+00:00

Guy #3: Gives no texts asking where the party is at, receives no texts saying where the party is at, stays home.

dossier · 2011-10-18T05:03:38+00:00

Well I'm guy 1 and 2. I have nothing to offer to some circles but they invite me anyway. And some other circles ask to do stuff a lot when I'd rather sit home and do nothing.

ehode · 2011-10-18T02:51:17+00:00

Is there a place for guy #3 who makes things happen? A lot of times people are looking for that leader to bring shit together.

testmypatience · 2011-10-18T02:52:45+00:00

Tofu please add this to your inner game post

Excellent formatting

gui77 · 2011-10-18T17:44:24+00:00

Great write-up! A couple warning for beginners regarding these:

telling funny jokes

This does NOT mean you are a clown. I've seen plenty of people trying to fulfill that role, and they end up being value-takers instead of value-givers because it's very clear they want approval from other in exchange for their jokes. That's being a clown, and clowns are fools - don't do it. Telling funny jokes can be excellent, but it's got to be a spontaneous, calibrated sort of thing. Not just "memorize this list of jokes off the internet" and run around a party telling them.

buying or bringing drinks/drugs/etc

This does NOT mean buying women drinks. It's between you and your friends, not women (women can count if it's very clear that you're not and never will be romantically involved, e.g. a best friend), but generally, don't buy women drinks (and certainly not as an exchange of a drink or the "privilege" of talking to her, it should be the other way around!)

RaiausderDose · 2011-10-18T07:43:35+00:00

He decides not to respond because he's going out with a few guys already and doesn't want the boy:girl ratio to get thrown off

dick move

2011-10-18T07:48:33+00:00

Food for thought: Bring value by being un-stifled. We live in a world (at least in the US) that is utterly stifled. We are suffocating in a social structure that wants us all to be fucking lemmings.

Here's how you add value (and get laid). Be unstifled. Be free. Be spontaneous. Don't give a fuck and be joyful. I was telling my musician friend this. His band has amazing music but watching them makes me want to rip an eye out because they are so nervous and lifeless. The music is great, the show is boring. If you ever get a chance, watch 'explosions in the sky' live. This is just an instrumental rock group but they literally headbang while playing their fucking songs. Holy shit, it's fucking awesome to see people that consumed by their own music. My friend was arguing that they don't do the same because the crowds at their shows are lifeless. You see, the fallacy there? My friend wants to reflect (like a mirror) the energy of the crowd rather than bringing the energy.

Here is the crux: You have to unstifle yourself and create the energy, self generate the value. Then people will notice. Can you go into a club full of insecure stifled people and bring them value? Are you the value generator or just waiting to be a mirror for someone else?

djstryker · 2011-10-18T03:33:26+00:00

I could not upvote this enough. I myself used to be a #1 until my confidence naturally grew. I naturally become more outgoing and trying new things. Friends started taking notice and then before you know it I am getting bombarded with text messages from friends every weekend to see what I am up to. Crazy how true this is. Where did you get it from?

wauter · 2011-10-18T14:40:08+00:00

Guy 2 is still a dick though for not letting his friend know where the party's at just to preserve the 'boy:girl ratio'.

I always try to take the 30 secs it take to answer texts like that, because we all have evenings we wanna go out and party but don't exactly know where to start.

dossier · 2011-10-18T05:04:53+00:00

Does anyone else get the vibe OP is being a tad pretentious assuming everyone could change between guy 1 & 2 with a few simple changes?

GoldenShackles · 2011-10-18T03:53:13+00:00

Congratulations. You've described an introvert vs. an extrovert, with the introvert being pushed further into his own shell instead of being somewhat accommodated by his "friends".

punker2828 · 2011-10-18T03:37:25+00:00

Another great post from TofuTofu.

TheoreticalFunk · 2011-10-18T12:29:07+00:00

I'm more of a Guy 1.5

WolfInTheField · 2011-10-18T14:49:09+00:00

And a new piece of the puzzle was found. Cheers.

Welcome back, Tofu. You the man.

notlurkinganymoar · 2011-10-18T17:46:51+00:00

While this is certainly great advice, I don't think it's so easy to classify Guy #2 as a value-giver and Guy #1 as not. For example, you can wait around all Friday night for someone to call, but if nobody calls, you're not doing shit.

I think this post deserves to be expanded. Sometimes Guy #1 leads into Guy #2. You don't make friends (mostly) by waiting for people to call you. Sometimes (most of the time), you need to call other people. Say, "Hey. I'm going to [X-bar]." Or w/e. Also, it sometimes takes a leap of faith. If no one is wiling to go out with you, you've got to be prepared to go to a place and make friends there.

Other than these minor points, good post and welcome back. I'd still like to hang in the City if you're around. Might come up Saturday.

melomaverick · 2011-10-18T19:16:51+00:00

nurses his drink all night.

You said its about who is giving value, not who drinks the most. I wonder if its better to portray the guy as just "uptight"-not base it on how much he drinks.

iatelassie · 2011-10-18T03:40:42+00:00

With all fairness, a lot of this advice, while absolutely valid, pertains to crowds of 18 - 24-year-olds. Why? Because as you get into your late 20s, this shit becomes boring.

Make no mistake, all those 'giving value' traits are absolutely real in most situations, and will likely make you popular with random people. But when you feel the need to have mature conversations, you can't rely on this stuff. There's definitely a concern of of being the life of the party and having fun, and being the life of the party and knowing the people around you are boring hunks of flesh. Just felt like ranting about that for a bit.

ImKumarYo · 2011-10-18T02:31:50+00:00

I can say I've been guy #2 since arriving in Newport. Thanks for this, bud.

2011-10-18T03:27:15+00:00

Glad to finally see you post again! awesome post.

frogma · 2011-10-18T03:30:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Fenor · 2011-10-18T09:16:54+00:00

buying or bringing drinks/drugs/etc. <-- this is not how you show value. if you think this is then you are in the wrong way

rexQuery · 2011-10-18T09:34:38+00:00

Excellent advice. The "giving value" principle can actually be extended to any other field also. (Fun fact: This was the original meaning of the word "karma".)

tamrix · 2011-10-18T04:59:39+00:00

Fuck you guys over analysis the smallest shit. Just go outside and make your own fun. People will join you if they want to but who cares.

Cirmi · 2011-10-18T02:53:23+00:00

pushing people out of their comfort zones

Could you give any advice on this? I really try to get my friends to try new things but I always encounter resistance.

loki7714 · 2011-10-18T03:18:33+00:00

I've been wanting to learn more about this giving value thing for a while...

legendaris · 2011-10-18T08:06:38+00:00

I agree with all these things, but one thing is making me sad. You said "being very good-looking or dressed very well" is one of the values you might give.

I believe this is true, yes. But it just seems so unfair that someone (let's say GuyX) who is big and dumb, probably not going to say much all night but has a rockin body and a nice outfit is going to be invited and (let's say GuyY) won't. Maybe GuyY is funny and smart, therefore has a lot of things to talk about in a conversation, but maybe he's a newbie and still has a lot of approach anxiety which he is working on. Maybe he just started going out more and more but still not as much as he'd like to.

I understand why, but it's just.. sad :|

For example I'm a student who is working full-time and I'm still working on my software engineering degree. I leave home at 9 in the morning and come back at 9-11 in the evening. Now I have the ability to still go out at friday nights, but I just lack the energy after such a day.. And then on the weekend I have a lot of things to do that I hadn't had time for during the week. I can AT MOST go out once or twice a month. Yes, my studies will come to an end and I will have more time eventually, but right now I am unable to give value in that way. I am a decently social person. I can talk to people, I'm a funny guy and always have been. I'm referred to as "the jokster", but I have limitations right now. It bugs me how the one time in the month when I actually can and want to go out I won't be invited because some other dude who's just gonna be there to throw sexist jokes all night will.

Again - just an opinion.

Speedtarzanjujitsu · 2011-10-18T13:22:25+00:00

I often feel like I'm guy #2 because I've been asked to stay at a party even after someone has picked a verbal fight with me. I've also been in the other guy's shoes where I'll just send someone a text about something and they never get back to me. The way I've gotten around this is by not relying on my phone for everything. I live around the corner from most of the bars in my college city and I don't feel the need to carry it on me at all times. This helps break the anxiety of "When are they going to get back to me?" The only downfall on this one is actually having to give out your number to a female if she asks for it. Found this out on Saturday when I ran into my yoga instructor at the football game and was forced to give her my number instead of the other way around. Oh well, shit happens. Life is what you make of it. Don't rely on your friends to help/make you have a good time. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this. Upvote!

agroom · 2011-10-18T14:19:12+00:00

I think if you're guy #2 you're not in seduction :p

terrencephil · 2011-10-18T14:43:42+00:00

Well spoken, I like how you put this elementary thing into words! Thanks :)

SmartSuka · 2011-10-18T15:10:07+00:00

Thanks TofuTofu, I used to be guy #1 and slowly I've been transforming into guy #2. I did it by inviting myself out to the facebook events people post publicly, I mean it was a public invite then why not go? Then I added reddit meetups within my community. I found fun things to do in the community I live in and started going to those events. I started having more invites to different places, and different activities going on. Then I started creating my own events and inviting people out.

Now it seems I'm so busy I barely have the time to do chores. As an example my Saturday included sleeping in from a paranormal investigation the previous night, going to my brothers marching band competition, doing another paranormal investigation (its a busy time for our group) and then it ended with smoking hooka.

Once again this coming Saturday I have about 3 or 4 events to choose from. All this and I can admit I spent New Years of 2011 watching fireworks from my balcony FOREVER ALONE, my new years resolution was to change all that....Great Success.

norcalaztecs · 2011-10-18T16:15:48+00:00

Is there any good books that help someone transition from a value taker to a value giver

Sublem0n · 2011-10-19T09:35:04+00:00

awesome, thanks for the tips. This is stuff I have been slowly learning over time just by practicing seddit

Bumzors · 2011-10-18T07:50:04+00:00

He gets a few texts from guys asking where the party's at. He decides not to respond because he's going out with a few guys already and doesn't want the boy:girl ratio to get thrown off.

Wow. Pretty scum-baggy for a subreddit that always tries really hard to fight the PUA/Douche stereotype.

sovietsrule · 2011-10-18T02:53:34+00:00

I'm in guy #1's situation but I'm guy #2...explain THAT! (I think it's mostly because all my friends are avowed haters of texting...)

2011-10-18T08:41:35+00:00

Fucking genius. You're the guy#2!

revtrot · 2011-10-18T19:28:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

jumbus1213 · 2022-07-04T00:21:54+00:00

This is cringe as fuck.

Title	ON GIVING VALUE: Why you're not being invited out to do cool things
Author	TofuTofu
Upvotes	353
Comments	189
Date	October 18, 2011 12:44 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/lfr7f/on_giving_value_why_youre_not_being_invited_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/on-giving-value-why-youre-not-being-invited-out-to.1323990 https://theredarchive.com/post/1323990

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