Dick is too Shy?

michael98118 · 2014-10-06T16:19:51+00:00

I've had this problem too. With girls I've already had sex with, I can get erect at the smell of their skin/hair. But during the first time, I can get a little soft (if not completely limp). It becomes a cycle because you're afraid of doing it, so you do it.

I find that this happens when I think about things with my brain rather than my body. If I focus my mental energy completely on the woman, things tend to just naturally work out. If I THINK about getting an erection (or think about the situation, lighting, myself, etc), it doesn't happen. It's all subconscious.

spldsz · 2014-10-06T19:03:16+00:00

wall of text, here:

don't watch porn. use memories and your imagination; you want to be getting hard to the thoughts of people you might actually fuck, and in the ways you might fuck them. (you can also remember/imagine smells, feelings, maybe tastes?, that you wouldn't get from watching porn). but yeah, think someone you saw that day was a babe? think of them while you rub one out.
change the amount you masturbate. for some people, stopping/reducing frequency helps, for others, doing it more helps. guideline is: don't masturbate on a day you think you might get laid, and if you can help it, not the day before, either. and, i wouldn't go for more than about a week without sex/masturbation (so, if i'm not getting laid, i find it helpful to masturbate, sort of to keep my body used to doing something). this varies from dick to dick, though, so pay attention to how your habits are affecting your body.
have more second/third-time sex. most women are pretty understanding. especially the ones with more sexual experience, and especially if you seemed to enjoy yourself while it lasted. so, when it happens, don't apologize, and try not to feel bad about it; show appreciation, and desire to do it again. having sex with 3 people 3 times each (so, still a bit uncomfortable) is going to do more for your anxieties than having sex with 9 people once (where you're maximally uncomfortable each time); you need those medium-uncomfortable times to get over it faster.
ask for things that turn you on. so, if you're super into having your balls touched, ask her to touch your balls. if you don't know what turns you on, ask for something you think might work (or, better, try new stuff with your FWB/other comfortable partner, then ask new partners for that).
drugs. some of them are going to affect your sex drive, some of them are going to affect your ability to get hard, and some of them are going to affect your focus, or your stress levels. many recreational drugs can increase your sex drive, or reduce stress/anxiety, but can also make you lose focus or render you unable to get it up (alcohol, MDMA, weed). some antidepressants can kill your sex drive. pay attention to what you're putting in you, and what it's doing to you.
exercise. doing high-intensity physical activity can increase your testosterone, which ought to increase your sex drive. having less fat on you also helps. so, consider lifting some heavy things, or sprinting. distance running or something can help for the losing weight part, but in my non-personal-trainer opinion, a mix of low-intensity activities like walking, and high-intensity activities like sprinting, are going to be better than medium-intensity activities like distance running.
general health. if you have some sort of illness, or a vitamin deficiency, you'll probably want to get on top of that. it can screw up a lot more than just your boner.

Dreamlancer · 2014-10-07T00:54:23+00:00

I am a bit late to this post, although I will give you my analysis. This is a bit long winded though. This is coming from someone who has been where you are, struggled with it, and has overcame it with time. As for the reason I fell into it initially was just a bad casual sex experience(Not necessarily on my end) but it left me not really trusting girls on the first encounter.

Since then however I have overcome the issue, regrettably with a couple failed relationships along the way.

A lot of people will cite things like masturbating too much, porn, drugs, exercise, etc. These can all be factors to the equation, although they are often unlikely.

You are 22 years old. Heck I am the same age as you. You can pop erections all the time. Now sure, porn may be a hindrance, but only to your mental state. The problem with this issue is that it never truly becomes a problem until it happens once. It is a vicious cycle.

You find a girl, things go great and smooth the entire night. You pull off expert level moves, and everything is great. You get her naked and in your bed. You get her off via oral or whatever, and then when it is Mr. Wanger's time to shine... he isn't there downstairs.

Now the ideal situation here would be to not make a big deal out of it. To carry on, continue pleasing her. Perhaps have her please you. You see I believe that a lot of the failures to maintain a erection during these times have little to do with the body. It isn't that you are interested, or that you don't want to have sex. Although subconsciously there is something there holding you back, something that makes you feel uncomfortable with the situation.

Now I can list a lot of issues, but it really just boils down to one.

Fear. Fear of not satisfying her. Fear of not matching up to her other partners. And the big one, fear that you won't get an erection. The last one being an utterly emasculating feeling.

Yet once failure happens, it doesn't stop. It continues like a cycle that is doomed to repeat over and over and over. In your head you think just as you pull Mr. Wanger out, "Shit I hope I get hard this time."

And then there it happens again. A failure. Yet this doesn't happen every single time you will notice. When you become more comfortable with someone, when you meet up with them a couple more times, suddenly Mr. Wanger is reporting for duty. Why is that? This is because you have grown past that stage where you are wondering not, "Damn what if I'm not good enough." She came back to you despite your personal 'failings' last time. She came back not because of sexual prowess, but because of you. It is almost like a weight is lifted off your chest that no longer is held down by outcome dependence or a struggle to perform and be the best. Suddenly sex is simply just sex, what it is meant to be, fun. Will both parties get off every time? Not all the time. Sex isn't perfect. The goal is to have fun. If she returns to you after just having a good time in bed, even if it wasn't the best sex in her life, there is suddenly a common ground found between you two intimately.

So why is it that Mr. Wanger doesn't show up on the first time, but doesn't mind arriving to the second or third party following? How can you get him to show up on the first time?

Well truthfully mate, there is no easy way to go about it. It's frankly all in your head. For me I realized that my issue with casual sex, and a lack of an erection on the first encounter stemmed from that poor encounter I had in my past. I mentally chalked that up to not knowing my partner enough, and putting my trust in someone I didn't know enough. And from then on I felt like I couldn't connect deeply enough with the person to have casual sex with them, until I could trust them. (Which often meant that there was a failed encounter on the first night, but then if there was a second night, fun sex ensued because I had come to trust them.)

Although I didn't like the feeling of "underperforming" in the bedroom. So I sought to analyze my issues and overcome them. So I roughly can narrow it down to 3 or so points that I feel with all of them covered/mastered/accepted will solve your mental issues.

The points are:

Outcome Dependence

Trust

and Personal connection

Outcome Dependence

First off in the bedroom things like thinking about how your erection could die will fucking kill your erection. I had to teach myself to stop caring so god damn much, honestly. The mindsets I shifted through to get over it was: I stopped focusing on a "I'm going to fuck the hell of out this girl and make her cum buckets." Why?

Because this entire issue stems from fear of failure. If you step yourself up for a task, suddenly if you fail that task, you "Fail" and Mr. Wanger wilts away in his emasculating failure.

So obviously that wasn't the right mindset. So I shifted to something like "I am going to get myself off so many times" The so many times being added later. The truth was that this actually worked. You can only control yourself, you can't control what happens to other people. I was looking inside myself for motivation and personal gain. It didn't matter what else was going on in the bedroom. Truthfully her pleasure didn't matter much to me either. It was about me getting off, which naturally was fun, albeit a bit selfish. Although this did work.

However it was with that selfish mentality that after a few pursuits that I grew a bit tired of the selfish outlook. I didn't want sex to just be about me getting off. Even if it wasn't strictly me getting off, I enjoyed the feeling that I used to have where I could set out to make a girl cum without fear of erection problems or whatever may plague the bedroom. Then I realized what I really needed in sex.

Fun. The only thing that really mattered in the end. I didn't care if I got off. And I had to stop caring if she got off. Look at these two examples.

"I am going to go in there and make her cum." I can't guarantee that. In fact with some girls this task can be difficult because women often need more of an emotional connection to have great orgasms.

"I am going to show her a fun time." This was much easier to do, because it was just me having fun in the bedroom. That would rub off on her, and we would both have fun. If people came, people came. And in addition it was much easier to go with the flow in the bedroom. No longer was it a task to do something. It was just two people enjoying each other's company (As it likely had been the entire night thus far).

This brings me to Personal Connections

It sounds easy to say, "Just have fun." but a lot of times with casual sex, the people you are with are complete strangers. Then your mind reminds you there is other risks involved with strangers, such as stds, and crazy people.

However developing a deeper personal connection with the person before you entire the bedroom with them is a good place to start. Not only does this build Trust, but it also helps make both of you fill more comfortable. While I kinda just read these forums in my free time and don't really practice, I do believe the term is developing a deep rapport?

If not, in essence the goal would be learning to develop closer relationships with people in a shorter amount of time. Now this can be through conversation, obviously. Knowing more about a person, their passions, and what drives them should hopefully make you like them more. Although there are also physical things that can make you feel closer mentally.

EX: A woman you met that night rubbing your crotch. Feels great. Mr. Wanger is happy. Although it isn't a mental connection. It is lust and attraction. Both of these dissipate.

EX2: Holding a girl close, but then playfully wiping a little bit of "sleep" from the corner of her eye, or a bit of food from her lip. Whatever. These actions are a bit more affectionate than your average escalated touching. The reason being is that these actions are more in line with what people would do for each other in a relationship. Done playfully it stimulates not only a physical connection, but an emotional one as well.

So then we have Trust

Trust can really only come about by having a strong personal connection with a person. Trusting them can take a lot. Yet doing so has great reward. Being able to trust a person to accept you, even if you fail is a great weight off your chest. Knowing that not only are you no longer outcome dependent, but she is also not outcome dependent. You no longer need to fear you are letting her down if you fail.

The lack of need to fear failure will ultimately ignite your success.

Anyways I tried to break this down as best as I could. I know it is long winded, and perhaps a bit opinionated. Although I also believe that this subject is very difficult for people who have dealt with it, and are looking for help. Like you, I myself sought out help for this issue, and I got much of the same responses. No porn. No jerking. Workout. No drugs. Use your imagination. Focus on pleasure, not on your erection. Etc etc etc.

I am not here to tell you what you can find online. I wanted to share with you what helped me through it, in hopes that you can use some of this information to help yourself through it. So best of luck mate. It is not the easiest road to overcome, but it most definitely can be overcome.

Fuck_Dacts · 2014-10-06T14:28:34+00:00

Yeah could be mental block. Anything else going on in your life? Serious question but how often do you masturbate?

herewegoherewego · 2014-10-06T15:33:17+00:00

Go down on her and let her climax first.

litt_up · 2014-10-06T15:35:37+00:00

I know you want the sex (who doesn't) but tell the girls to wait a bit until you've developed an emotional connection with them first. It sounds a bit old fashion but it works.

2014-10-06T14:12:42+00:00

have her give you a blowjob or a handjob first and do whatever that relaxes you both

dividepaths · 2014-10-06T18:12:14+00:00

Been there done that, new situations around difficult unfortunately. I can rise to attention right when my FB enters the room. Other newer girls I sometimes struggle with. The circumstances definitely have to be correct. Also being sober/well-rested is helpful. I tend to just eat a lot of pussy so that they're covered in at least that department.

bangthemermaid · 2014-10-06T16:43:19+00:00

I don't think we have to bang girls by the masses.

I much prefer intimacy these days. You seem to as well.

As a matter of fact, i've been told by women that sex with me almost seemed like a well rehearsed ritual, like a service. All measured and quantified in orgasms and positions. Right spot right time but somehow off.

I won't deny I'm in a bit of an identity crisis. I banged so many women for nothing but my ego. I wanted to prove myself as the ladies man, the manly man.

Internal validation is preached a lot and i believe it's the key to this as well because you are either nervous or just unexcited. You don't have to force yourself to sleep with girls you don't really find exciting. I much prefer sleeping with one girl i'm excited about than 10 that i feel mostly indifferent about.

skyburnsred · 2014-10-06T15:32:34+00:00

You need to just realize that you've gotten that far (shes naked in your bed) so what do you really need to be afraid of? You're obviously used to fucking girls you're totally comfortable with, just realize that you'll spend more time with these girls and if you fuck them right, you won't worry about it again.

2014-10-06T16:02:46+00:00

Gotta relax and foreplay that a little more. It happens to me if I'm rushed into the bedroom and expected to start fucking.

IANAPUA_Yet · 2014-10-06T16:37:38+00:00

Yeah, it's not always as simple as we like to think.

http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index#wiki_erection_issues

MasonJarTeaDrinker · 2014-10-06T17:12:27+00:00

TOo much porn and jerking off will do that to you, it used to happen to me until I stopped watching that stuff.

2014-10-06T18:06:59+00:00

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PrinceCuntSmasher · 2014-10-06T22:17:00+00:00

It's happened to just about every guy at some point.

For me it is more about bring relaxed. Porn and masturbation have little/no effect on it. I've tried all variations, including not jerking it for a week and then hooking up with a new girl who I find insanely attractive. I had issues because I was nervous and the vicious cycle began.

It's not a bad idea to give her an orgasm before penetration ever starts. First, sex is never certain, she's more likely to have vaginal orgasms after that, and she'll have a favorable sexual experience no matter what. It also helps the relaxation and the ego to watch her have a solid orgasm first.

Everyone and every boner is different. Try all of the advice here to see what works. Try also to be a little vocal with her, if they say "I want you inside me" or "Fuck me" - Play with her a little, tease her some, etc.

2014-10-06T18:00:59+00:00

My mental block is not being able to cum the first time with someone new. I can get hard no problem but I'm so wrapped up on performing well that I can't relax and enjoy myself.

The_Turbinator · 2014-10-06T20:49:20+00:00

This happened to me every time I was with a new girl. Foreplay would start and I would get as hard as a rock. Then the time comes where she would say "I want you inside me" or "fuck me" and then the erection would pull a magic trick and completely disappear. When it's time to penetrate it would go completely limp with a new girl. Performance anxiety, they call it.

I remember this one girl I was with, was lucky to not have her disappear after the first attempt at sex, the sendt time that night was a lot better, it was a medium erection, but good enough to have proper sex. Then, a week later the 3rd time I was as hard as a rock, performance anxiety completely gone.

It's like a negative feedback loop. You are afraid that your dick will go limp and not be able to have sex and she will be disappointed, so you better get that damn dick up. And because of those thoughts it goes completely limp. And now that it is limp you are even more scared that you completely ruined it with this girl, so in turn it goes even more dead.

The only way around this is to take Viagra about 30 minutes before you know you will have sex. Take about a quarter of a pill and you will maintain an erection guaranteed. Then after a while when your bruised ego heals - you wont need Viagra anymore.

lofiharvest · 2014-10-06T21:54:50+00:00

I would try cutting back on masturbation and porn. This ramps up your sex drive and makes you much more aroused by the real thing. I am 28 and recently started noticing a dip in my libido. I took a month off from porn and masturbation and the difference was astonishing! Porn essentially desensitizes you to the image of a naked woman. You get too used to it and over time it takes more an more effort for you to get aroused.

fall0ut · 2014-10-06T17:07:54+00:00

You jack it too much. Stop playing with yourself and your shit will work as advertised.

teknoise · 2014-10-06T16:54:39+00:00

It's a mental block, performance anxiety. Shit sucks, man. Just don't focus on it, or that'll make it worse. Go down on her first to take the spotlight away for a bit.

2014-10-06T17:04:01+00:00

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Regular_Everyday_Guy · 2014-10-06T18:00:33+00:00

I know that this doesn't relate to the question but I still don't know what "HB" means, as in "HB9." Could anyone explain it to me?

sames6840 · 2014-10-06T18:44:12+00:00

Happens to me all the time. It helps if I really do like the girl but not completely the first few times. Telling her my problem eases the stress so much too. The girls I have told have been cooler than I thought and said to just relax. Concentrate on her and not on you. If that makes sense.

2014-10-06T19:27:46+00:00

Spend 5 bucks and get some horny goat weed, after taking it for a few days you will be more than ready to go

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2014-10-06T19:34:20+00:00

This definitely happens to me after I break up with a woman I really liked, but that's it. After two people get really good at having hot, kinky, passionate sex, strange pussy just can't compete.

MrPerfectlyperfect · 2014-10-06T20:40:36+00:00

Just like michael98118, this happens to me too. My dick never works with new girls like it does with girls I've already had sex with.

I'm trying to get this solved by not masturbating for a few months. Then hopefully my genetics will take over when the next girl comes.

Each guy has a different way of getting over this. But try what you can to solve it cus having sex with new girls is fucking amazing man.

throwadonkey · 2014-10-06T20:49:39+00:00

Meanwhile, I watch all the porn I want and still manage to last a solid 30 seconds.

2014-10-06T21:08:36+00:00

Better for /r/sex not /r/seduction

You-Awesomer · 2014-10-06T21:33:27+00:00

I think this is totally normal, especially coming off a break-up. About year ago I got dumped and while hooking up with a rebound or two, I'd actually lose interest in her while it was happening.

I'd recommend doing kegels (they helped me a ton) and fapping a little less. Mentally, just try to prepare your emotions for shagging a new girl.

Phishguy · 2014-10-06T21:46:12+00:00

It's stage fright / performance anxiety.. I get it too after a dry spell.. I'm not sure the porn and jerking off have much to do with it though.. If it did, it'd be happening with your fwb and at times after the first time.. I find its best for me to just jump right into it the first time when we know what's gonna happen.. Just tear clothes off and get into it.. If I wait or take things slowly the first time is when I have the anxiety.

2014-10-06T22:11:45+00:00

Who is Dick?

2014-10-06T22:26:17+00:00

Stop watching porn. It's doing you no favours.

2014-10-06T22:43:18+00:00

Turn off the lights, and slip this on just before you put the condom on: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cock_ring

You can get some fairly small ones, she probably wouldn't even notice. And if she asks, just say you rarely need it, but you've been really tired lately and wanted to make sure you both had a good time.

Spore2012 · 2014-10-06T22:43:27+00:00

I have the opposite issue, just can't bust a nut. I think it's due to either anxiety, lack of real intimacy before becoming physically intimate, or it just randomly happened once and now you're up in your head about it every time (self fulfilling prophecy).

pizzaboy420 · 2014-10-06T22:59:13+00:00

This happens to me. You just need to not think about it.

Leolikesbass · 2014-10-06T23:25:00+00:00

This happens, and I'm definitely stronger on the second or third time as well. . There are drugs like cialis or viagra that could be fun for that FIRST time, but check out sometime called Icaarin. Just an herb extract (you can buy the herb, horn goat weed lol), but it helps to give a natural push without any weirdness. Plus it's good for working out. This usually helps with all the mental games that go on that first time, even if it's a sugar pill type placebo. That said, it does work.

The_Coolest_Guy · 2014-10-07T00:02:58+00:00

It's mental dude. I used to have this all the time, but it has gone away in the past year since I stopped worrying and having anxiety about performance. The more you have sex, the more you'll understand that your penis works fine, and the less "in your head" you'll be.

If it does happen, just tell the girl you're really nervous since you really like her and she's super hot. Maybe she'll give you a BJ to help you out ;)

racin36er · 2014-10-07T00:12:49+00:00

i have, and have always had, this issue. its like he "has to get to know her" first. its fucking annoying - but its always, ALWAYS been that way for me (28M - i have a son, ffs)

lax123123 · 2014-10-07T00:34:44+00:00

I have this problem as well with girls that I haven't known for a while.

I just put off on having sex till i have more of a connection to her.

HDMinh · 2014-10-07T06:56:24+00:00

Yes, once with someone unusual.

pacg · 2014-10-06T16:17:26+00:00

It's happened. Freaky isn't it?

oholandesvoador · 2014-10-06T20:40:48+00:00

TFW never had a FWB...

Title	Dick is too Shy?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	117
Comments	71
Date	October 6, 2014 1:26 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2ig1p6/dick_is_too_shy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/dick-is-too-shy.1377617 https://theredarchive.com/post/1377617

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