Using who you are as a strength is better than trying to become some alpha who you really aren’t meant to be.

warm_theory · 2019-06-26T13:51:20+00:00

Although I 100% agree with always being genuine and honest about who you really are keep in mind that this should never mean lack of commitment to improving yourself as much as you can.

UnparliamentaryTea · 2019-06-26T14:23:12+00:00

Any advice for the other shy guys, especially when it comes to texting/getting to the date? I usually have the most success with the down to earth but driven, kind, optimistic girls (these tend to get rarer as I’ve gotten older) or girls who are actually really wild, although the latter can get a little intimidating sometimes. A lot of girls will call me a “sweetheart” or “the sweetest” or whatever and leave me on read the very next message before I can set something up (not talking about tinder). Then they’ll bitch and bemoan how they’re the relationship type and none of the guys hitting them up want that.

How do you balance your authenticity while still being direct, decisive, and ultimately perceived as someone of strength? I am authentically very polite and I know how to stand up for myself. I do extremely well in professional settings because of this, but in social situations I’m afraid it comes off too nice and too “cute,” unless the girl was already into me or people already wanted to get to know me.

WeakEmu8 · 2019-06-26T13:25:11+00:00

Welcome to understanding the David and Goliath parable. The lesson in that story was David fought using his own strengths, rather than die fighting with Goliath's methods.

It's also a story about owning your own frame, which David did - he brought his own paradigm to the field of battle, and didn't permit Goliath (or his King) to define the paradigm.

TallDarkandBot · 2019-06-26T13:20:51+00:00

I think a lot of people confuse confidence for a distorted idea of alpha-ness. I think being assertive with your feelings and intentions can go a long way for anyone, as well as cultivating a solid self-confidence. With that being said, I agree with you. I see so many people take what I said to the next level and try to change who they are, and pick up hobbies specifically to appeal to women. They seem less happy because of it, instead of building on their strengths and interests (which in the end is the sexiest choice).

In the end it boils down to self love and the energy you give off.

theunconquored · 2019-06-26T18:17:29+00:00

There is nothing more alpha than an IDGAF authenticity. Alpha isn't a checklist or something you can become. Alpha is unbecoming all the bullshit you've tried to do to impress others and blend in, letting yourself truly be who you are at your core and letting that out confidently into the world.

FYI, this is WAY harder than imitating your vision of what an alpha is.

You can imitate alpha, and you can even have success with women by doing so, but it'll always be an act. It'll never be real. Only when you start getting to know yourself and begin stripping away the layers of bullshit that society and culture have layered over your real self can you start to have a real, relaxed confidence about you. A frame that doesn't depend on willpower or take effort, but that flows naturally from your core.

ThirdLegGuy1 · 2019-06-26T16:42:07+00:00

Not all strengths / character traits are equal. Some traits are naturally 10x more attractive than others, and some are simply repulsive.

ethical_pa · 2019-06-26T16:58:41+00:00

By definition, only a small minority of guys can be alpha. If you think you have it in you, but something held you back, be it upbringing, society, some kind of trauma, a bad relationship, etc, then go for it. But also understand that alphaness isn't a 100% scientific concept that applies to humans. Human interactions are extremely complex and nuanced.

That being said, being assertive (without being pushy), able to lead, handle social pressure without being intimidated, and being able to display good social skills in difficult situations are all good qualities to have. Work on this for yourself. Forget about women.

tominator20 · 2019-06-26T17:24:27+00:00

I totally agree with this, normally I don't try to hit on girls because i'm kinda unconfortable with how I look (recently started a diet, so yay me) and also because im kinda shy, so I usually just focus on having fun with my friends.

But this summer solstice (here in spain is more or less a nation wide party) me and my friends were at the beach drinking and listening to music and two older girls came over and I started talking to one of them normally (thanks liquid courage) and we ended up talking for about an hour, and also got to introduce my friend (who is better looking than me) to the other girl. And while in the end nothing really happened because i kinda ran out of time (damn you sunrise) I still was really proud of myself.

All my friends said I should have gone for it, but I didn't have the guts to do it i guess (which i kinda regret). But still, I'm proud

MBSCinsight · 2019-06-26T22:05:46+00:00

I'm sure someone else has mentioned this but, it sounds like you are saying to people don't change continue to be the same shy timid person you've always been and it will work out for you somehow. I don't subscribe to that. Though I do agree with being your self-change is uncomfortable and there are growing pains that are unavoidable. If deep down you want to tap into your alpha side then you are going to have a few awkward moments on your journey to get there... That is not fake, you just entered into unfamiliar space which is where all growth happens. Now if you are trying to be Alpha or your perception of Alpha because you think it's cool and its what you're supposed to do then I agree with you. Be yourself or who you really want to be.

CosmycDust · 2019-06-26T19:47:32+00:00

Some guys don't want to be "sweethearts".

tretchman · 2019-06-26T21:25:48+00:00

🤔🤔🤔 this is a tough one, because this post assumes that qualities like shyness, confidence, etc. are enduring personality traits rather than things that can change. I’d have to disagree, cuz you can absolutely change and work on your shyness and become more confident. That “you make me feel nervous” shit may work on some girls, but looking at things from a completely neutral perspective, I’d reckon that the confident approach would have way more success.

SpinPlates · 2019-06-27T10:53:38+00:00

I’m one of the shy ones, and I ALWAYS start off by letting her know that the way she looks makes me totally nervous.

I haven't been to this sub in almost a month and this is the first advice I see. Jesus Christ.

rich11111 · 2019-06-26T21:11:49+00:00

I think you misinterpreted the term alpha. An alpha male is someone who is comfortable in their own skin.

You may think alpha males are thugs but thugs haven't found themselves which is why they put on a fake personality to make up for their total lack of one.

You aren't a beta male if you are ugly as shit, 5'6", and are nerdy if you are comfortable in your own skin.

You aren't a beta male if you don't waste your words because you feel more comfortable in your own skin being reserved versus being loud.

All it takes to be an alpha male is to be yourself and to build other people up.

Reaver_ · 2019-06-26T18:13:16+00:00

The other incredibly important thing about this is that you'll be attracting people who like you for YOU. If by a miracle you put on some facade and actually meet someone who likes this fake you, now you have to constantly wear that mask and can never truly act yourself. The "real" you might not attract every person on planet earth, but you don't want every person on planet earth. You want to be with people you can be your true, genuine self with, who you can be comfortable with, and have way more fulfilling interactions with.

If you happen to get rejected for just being yourself, that person just did you a huge favor, bud.

BadHairDayToday · 2019-06-26T20:56:04+00:00

I like it! Especially because it's actually based on experience, and not some keyboard jockey.

Radicalmattitude1 · 2019-06-26T22:25:59+00:00

True! Being authentic IS alpha! The only thing I’d caution against is using your shyness as an excuse not to take action. Lots of guys stand in the corner with a beer on their chest because that’s “authentic”. The reality is that they won’t get results.

You should still approach in spite of being shy.

Just wear it on your sleeve like a champ: “Hey I’m really shy and nervous but I had to come talk to you!” Could be a great opener.

The key is to be authentic with where you’re at and take action from that place.

Freevoulous · 2019-06-27T07:54:18+00:00

I feel like you are making some false alternative here. You can be a shy nerd and still an alpha. In fact, if you are willing to do anything substantial with your life you WILL become alpha by default.

Alpha =/= Asshole Bro

Alpha means:

- confident in himself, because he ACTUALLY has the abilities to be confident in
- active
- works hard

- makes no excuses.

Those are qualities that a shy sweet nerd can also have and use, and its the only way anyone ever got any women, the only exception being sheer luck or the girl taking matters in her own hands.

BTW, I would also like to strongly advise against this mode of thinking "just be yourself". This is a dangerous, defeatist piece of bullshit that comes from weakness addiction and learned helplessness.

BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF, THAT IS ALIGNED WITH BOTH YOUR PLANS, AND WITH WHAT WOMEN WANT.

Otherwise you will be just miserable, and raging against the unfairness of the world.

remember, coffee is for closers.

2019-06-27T10:11:44+00:00

Disagree, all that is alpha. Being unapologetic and non-supplicative is alpha.

styli1000 · 2019-06-26T17:46:28+00:00

As everything: Not always.

maljo24 · 2019-06-26T17:50:17+00:00

Yes.

theonlyrealex · 2019-06-26T20:24:45+00:00

I think what's behind this is confidence. If you always have to act like someone else you're never really gonna feel comfortable and thus won't have that unbreakable confidence that's so attractive

Aghayden · 2019-06-26T22:26:19+00:00

There's a presumption here that you can't be both a nerd and an 'alpha' which is inaccurate. It's not a common combination, but it definitely exists. A couple examples of 'nerd alphas':

Eric Andre
Jordan Peterson
Richard Ayoade
Quentin Tarantino
Logic

Nerdiness and alphaness aren't contradictory traits, being 'alpha' just means being unreactive and having a strong frame of reality. Most nerds are shy, but you don't have to be shy to be a nerd.

Anyone can become very 'alpha' if they put themselves through social pressure (I.E. doing approaches) and through that process stop caring so much what other people think.

Genuineness is so misunderstood, it's about being comfortable with what you're doing. That's why actors come across genuine playing roles that are completely different than who they are, they get totally comfortable acting like someone else and if they're really good, they're more genuine in a role than most people are as themselves.

This is the kind of feel-good post that gets upvoted because it reinforces cultural stereotypes about what attraction should be, it's an example of the naturalistic fallacy which states that which is natural must be good.

We like to here things like this because it makes our ego feel good, it tells us that we don't have to work on ourselves, that we can avoid the discomfort involved in changing.

Don't get me wrong, it is possible to be fake and it's often better to be genuine with bad qualities than disingenuous with good qualities - but being 'beta' isn't inherent trait, and there's a lot of scientific evidence that one's sense of social status can change on a neurological level (I can provide links if you want).

Things like being introverted, shy, nice, etc. those are traits that are a product of our ego not something intrinsic to who we are. And I've seen people change those traits (myself included) enough to be confident that you don't have to relegate yourself to be a shy 'beta' introvert unless you want to be.

lordnoah16 · 2019-06-26T23:24:04+00:00

Being able to do that is alpha itself. Being confident in your own personality is key.

codewizbambam · 2019-06-26T23:40:52+00:00

Holy shit, that's exactly what I am trying to tell people on r/seduction all the time. Use your natural character. There's just nothing spectacular about it, so it gets ignored. People rather want a new mask to put on that is as useless as the last one. Picking up girls is NOT hard, it's nothing special, and how to really do it is just not as spectacular as "Master your inner Pimp 5.0" ....

BonelessSkinless · 2019-06-27T03:05:45+00:00

Or just chisel your body into a strong one and still be yourself. Drives girls even wilder

Sometimes "being yourself" isn't enough because what if you're some weirdo loser with about 3 or 4 friends, into anime and digimon and spend your free time watching YouTube and playing video games? No matter how chill or cool or "nice" you are those things will work against you unless you have qualities that attract women. Confidence (can be confidence in anything, appearance, clothes, hobbies, your job... even if you're wrong, do it with confidence and you will be loved), a strong body, make her laugh and you're golden. You don't have to become someone else or put on an act, but you do have to improve yourself a bit.

tjohnson718 · 2019-06-27T04:08:00+00:00

This is good advice in general. I'll say that for me, coming to the understanding that what is commonly referred as "Alpha" is really just another word for "Social freedom" or "socially free person", has helped relieve a lot of the pressures that often come with "appearing alpha" to women. Instead, of beating myself up for being "too shy", I can just give myself permission to talk to girls. Instead of agonizing over whether to touch a girl on a date, or go for a kiss..I can instead just give myself permission to try.

Also it helps that the better looking you are, the more you can get away with being shy, nerdy, quiet, etc.

Aeon199 · 2019-06-27T05:00:10+00:00

Work with what you have, DO NOT become someone else.

What's an autistic guy to do, then? What I have is everything they don't want. In terms of looks, average I'd say... not "too shabby", but certainly not great either.

In terms of social skills, personal agency, wit, resourcefulness, it's all missing... essentially, the Lack of those qualities is the actual self.

No one would ever want that. Even if I did my best in life, you don't get to fill in a massive deficiency like that. Some of us are broken and have no buyers---you see.

uptimex · 2019-06-27T06:37:12+00:00

Yes, because when you aren't faking you don't give a shit, and that is the most attractive thing.

Wjourney · 2019-06-27T07:17:24+00:00

Aka be your best self

hillsofzomia · 2019-06-27T09:51:09+00:00

Exactly! Something a lot of people here don't get!

hazelstein · 2019-06-27T12:14:27+00:00

DO Kino on dates + Shut the fuck up. = GET LAID

rappingwhiteguys · 2019-07-08T06:24:27+00:00

do you let these girls know the way they look makes you nervous as one of the first things you say when you talk to them?

embar5 · 2019-06-26T17:09:17+00:00

To play devil's advocate, I think one should work towards the social ideal and then embrace any unique traits that seem to just be pillars of their identity.

Example: being an extraverted, people person is objectively better for increasing your funnel. But I'm a strong introvert and this hasn't changed despite heavy effort. That's okay, because I can still be confident, humorous etc.

Couer_De_Lion · 2019-06-27T02:51:01+00:00

"Just be yourself bro"

You just wrote a bunch of words when you could have just said that.

If this was true this sub wouldnt need to exist.

Digitalidentity · 2019-06-26T15:50:11+00:00

This right here.

MCA_T · 2019-06-26T16:40:32+00:00

this is the truth, I can tell within 5-10 seconds of talking to most people whether they are genuine cool people, trying to impress me, rob me or sell me something or just an all round dick and if you red flag me within those 10 seconds i will straight shut off and have nothing to do with you or worse call you out on it in front of everyone

Title	Using who you are as a strength is better than trying to become some alpha who you really aren’t meant to be.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	523
Comments	64
Date	June 26, 2019 1:10 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/c5pmz2/using_who_you_are_as_a_strength_is_better_than/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/using-who-you-are-as-a-strength-is-better-than.1472259 https://theredarchive.com/post/1472259

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