Okay folks, we need a thread on not getting quickly attached

ScrawnyDanishBoy · 2020-02-16T17:55:18+00:00

Don't get infatuated. And keep asking yourself am I idealizing the person's potential or the person infront of me.

And always ask yourself. After having been on a date no matter what nr it is. If this was our first date? Would I want a 2nd? And if I was her/him would I want a 2nd with me?

If dating is difficult or exhausting and you aren't having the time of your life and laughing. Then again something is wrong. One person isn't putting in the same effort as you.

There should not be a chase. If you have to chase the other person isn't interested despite what they may say.

Don't involve sexuality into the mix early. Relationship is based on friendship. Sexuality is build upon that friendship foundation. I'm not saying it can't be sexual and not work out. But I'm saying it's a good idea to keep your head clear and not think with your crotch in the beginning.

If you notice your mentality is infatuated and you're wearing rose tinted sunglasses. Well then all red flags just look like flags. Keep your head clear and don't idealize people.

And finally learn to love yourself first. Because if you only love yourself 20% someone will come along. Love you 40% and you are gonna think! Wauw! That is so much! But if you love yourself 100% your partner needs to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special and that is what every one deserves.

ImJustSo · 2020-02-16T19:17:56+00:00

I've said it a hundred times, because it applies to everything. Don't let your feelings dictate your actions.

Anxious and don't want to approach? Approach anyway and don't let feelings dictate your actions.

Insecure about being left on read, wanna spam her with more messages? Put your fuckin phone down and don't let your feelings dictate your actions.

Insanely jealous with rage? Want to punch the guy or put three bullets in both their heads? Walk the fuck away, find a new girl, don't let your feelings dictate your actions.

Want to cry yourself to sleep because she ghosted you? Go to the bar and have a good time, don't let your feelings dictate your actions.

The list goes on.

Don't want to get too attached? Why? You gonna let your feelings dictate your actions again, like a little bitch? Gonna try to find some way to avoid feelings? Or you gonna grow up, be a man, and deal with the fact that you have feelings?

You don't have to let feelings control you, but don't act like you can control feelings. They just happen. Unless you're a sociopath, then this message doesn't apply to you. You're gonna do whatever you want anyways, because you're a sociopath.

Demonpenz · 2020-02-16T19:58:53+00:00

You are getting attached to a memory of a person in your head not an actual person .

plutass · 2020-02-16T19:37:53+00:00

Personally, I can't do the multiple options things. I actually enjoy only talking to/investing my time in one person even if that person doesn't care to see or talk to me as often as I'd like. I guess you could say I'm a monogamous dater. The best distractions are those that make you feel like what it does to be with that person. Like I'll take myself on dates to the movies and get a drink and food and just relish in my own company. Sometimes I'll have date night with myself at home, or art night. I go on walks and just listen to albums to discover new music. I also try to get deep into my hobbies because if you're extremely focused on details, you don't have time to think of much else. You have to try things out to find out what gives you a sense of satisfaction and then do those things. When I do these things, it actually makes me miss the person less because I'd like to find someone that would partake in these things with me. It also gives me more independence for when I do enter a relationship because your partner will naturally enjoy things that you enjoy. Also, FRIENDS. Do not ever neglect your friends, they keep you growing and learning in ways that a partner can't because of proximity.

SaifEdinne · 2020-02-16T19:06:58+00:00

What I do is understanding that the girl isn't perfect. That she has her faults too. Who knows, perhaps she's mentally unstable or something, so I'd rather not get too close too fast without knowing her better.

The girl needs to win you over too, not only the other way.

ScanNeon · 2020-02-16T17:48:11+00:00

Has the Dennis Reynolds method not worked for you?

Not_a_robot771 · 2020-02-16T18:59:03+00:00

Get your heart broken, badly!

Zenis · 2020-02-16T20:14:32+00:00

Well first of all, there’s nothing inherently wrong with getting attached quickly. When things are right, and mutual, why arbitrarily hold yourself back?

Sounds like people worried about being attached to someone who isn’t reciprocating the feelings, or is also trying not to get too attached.

In the latter case (feels mutual but she’s holding back), having the balls to be open with your feelings is a power move. There is lots of strength in vulnerability, and she’ll respect that. If she doesn’t, it wasn’t actually mutual, or she sucks.

If you’re scared that she isn’t on the same page feelings-wise, ask yourself how you can have fun with her without receiving her emotional energy. Invite her to have fun with you in situations where you’d be able to have fun without her. That way you won’t put pressure on her to entertain/comfort you with her emotional energy, and your joy from the situation will radiate from you without expecting anything in return.

ForeskinBalloons · 2020-02-16T21:10:45+00:00

Keep yourself busy with hobbies, things you enjoy, taking care of your body and mind, and hanging out with friends.

Also a personal anecdote and I feel like this is a shitty thing to say but I feel like every person needs to go through some bad heartbreak at least once in their lives. It's really eye opening and grows you as a person. Obviously don't actively look for heartbreak because that would be stupid.

Kentucky_Supreme · 2020-02-16T17:58:55+00:00

I think the only way to avoid that is to have options. Abundance.

fuckthisoneainttaken · 2020-02-16T23:37:49+00:00

As Alexandre Dumas said in « The Count of Monte-Cristo » - « He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. »

Go on, get attached, get your heart broke, and you ll learn how to much you should attach. It’s like the whole seduction thing: only by doing things in the wrong way you’ll learn. It’s something totally normal.

Ket_om · 2020-02-16T19:44:16+00:00

The easiest way is to always talk to other girls it keeps you away from tunnel visioning one girl. However if you're not into that I suggest taking time to truly evaluate your own feelings and managing it. Dont allow yourself to jump in over your head and keep your emotions stable but with that said it is okay to fall in love as long as it's TRUE. Now if were talking game where you dont push one girl away by tunnel visioning her then I suggest talking to other girls. The best way to evaluate your own feelings in my opinion is create a checklist that a girl must meet in order to be the perfect match for you that way you can see if your actually into her or just into her for sex and not being alone.

mybuicksoutside · 2020-02-17T01:25:51+00:00

Always be dating a few people at once. It helps dilute the feels!

bestsparkyalive · 2020-02-16T23:15:11+00:00

This is something I am struggling with today. I got feels for this girl. But I really think she isn’t at all the image that I created in my head. We do this crap a lot.

Bcurious2020 · 2020-02-17T02:18:50+00:00

Jerk off before mske any decion. Thinking about telling her you love after knowing her a week. Jerk off first. Want to buy wear and engagment ring after knowing her 2 months jerk off first. It helps burn energy and helps you think with your head and not your dick.

toasterovenbagels · 2020-02-16T17:43:22+00:00

oh my lord i need this so bad

TTV-DontEvnTrip · 2020-02-16T20:26:37+00:00

This is all good long term solutions but I understand what you really want, a quick short term solution to idealized women or going in too strong.

Here’s what I’ve learned from myself since I had the same issue with girls I really liked compared to randoms I just didn’t care about.

Treat the women that you really like as if they have already dissed you/ghosted you/ignored you. Use that fuel all the women that were not interested in you and picture her the same. By doing this you are becoming normal, understand she’s just another person who can do all the same things you never liked and accept it. You can now have a normal conversation, look at her without puppy dog eyes and see who she truly is. Basically make her earn your love and admiration but it isn’t given from the start. Be a high value person yourself and no matter how beautiful someone is they need to earn your interest it isn’t just given away. Thats what I do now

Demonpenz · 2020-02-16T20:32:22+00:00

When you can acknowledge that you get attached and have feelings for a vision and memory made made up in a bunch of blobs of cells in your brain you can detach yourself from it. Make better choices and live a better life while either living with feelings or dispersing the feelings by full acceptence.

MrMemper · 2020-02-16T22:38:09+00:00

Yeah. Go down the rabbit hole internally and find out why you need external emotional validation. While you’re at it look into why you’re afraid of women. They’re likely closely related in terms of issue root.

Starting a thread is a waste of time bc it keeps you in a state of reliving and discussing rather than taking action. Do what’s necessary and move foreword.

WhoDisBoiiii · 2020-02-16T23:07:30+00:00

If you manage to keep yourself first, you’re good. Keep your life, interests, hobby’s, friends as you like them. If you offer your whole life to the other person you’ll fall into the trap. Have your own cake, add the cherry on top. Don’t make it a cake smoothie :)

ARealonenocap · 2020-02-18T13:08:43+00:00

I think not getting attached too quickly starts with you recognizing your tendencies.

You know yourself better than anyone else. You know if it happens too often or too quickly, you know the feelings that surface before you get attached.

Recognize that you’re just a person and that people are creatures of habit.

Now make note of these things. Make note of your type, whether it’s looks or personality, make note of your weaknesses within both, make note of the things that make you melt.

Try and remind yourself that these things literally release chemicals and cause chemical reactions. Recognize that these feelings are addictive and hard to ignore because you are fighting your body’s natural reactions to these chemicals.

It helps to be extremely realistic with yourself and consider how many hundreds of thousands of people on planet earth could probably pull the same things out of you in the right setting.

Usually those of us that tend to rush in also tend to go with the flow and almost purposely ignore the little voice inside because it feels so good to throw caution to the wind and jus be in the moment. For that reason we have to be the ones to force ourselves to pause.

Pause just long enough to make out what the voice inside is saying. Recognize that that voice is you, your rational mind pointing to the warning signs.

If the thing is meant to be, no reasonable amount of momentary pauses can snuff it out.

It can be difficult but We can Spare ourselves a lot of pain along with leaving a little mystery in mind to let ourselves pop up and walk around In their mind.

Good luck all

lifebeckons101 · 2020-02-16T17:48:36+00:00

How to not get attached: talk to/hook up with multiple girls at the same time (until you want to be exclusive with one of them).

2020-02-16T20:40:04+00:00

The more limited I feel my potential is (self-esteem really) the more I want to keep or maintain the current girl. And from a biological level this “pair bond” feeling makes sense right. It keeps you around to help raise your kids and provide for your partner. But personally I don’t want kids and don’t want to get married anytime soon. So I try to ignore these pesky emotions

everythingmine- · 2020-02-16T21:13:35+00:00

Don’t invest too much time into her

carloshps16 · 2020-02-16T22:13:05+00:00

You have to date múltiple people at once

Badacid91 · 2020-02-16T22:41:10+00:00

I think expecting yourself to not get attached is a tall order if your options are scarce.

I would recommend that you accept your high infatuation instead of fighting it. It sucks, I know. Trying to fight something so strong is just a waste of energy.

Instead, try to not let it cloud your judgement or make you do dumb things. This takes strength but being strong is it’s own reward. As a man, life is going to give you uncertainties and put a lot of pressure on you. Even though the stakes are high, success is unlikely and not getting what you want is painful, you need to be able handle all of it and be ready for more.

2020-02-16T23:08:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Bleachboy987 · 2020-02-16T23:44:40+00:00

I think it's important to be receiving the same level of attention/love that you are giving. When you're infatuated, you give yourself to the other person and you can easily rationalize why someone may not be doing the same. Don't do this. Always know that you deserve equal treatment.

Pausing when you're experiencing the flood of emotions is also really important. I see infatuation as a positive feedback loop where your positive emotion encourages you to continue to experience that emotion, those completely blowing up the idea of someone in your head.

Making sure you are receiving similar attention and slowing down and not snowballing on the high of love are key.

betacrucis · 2020-02-16T23:54:41+00:00

Read Models.

ch1som · 2020-02-17T00:55:32+00:00

Take a step back and think of what place you have in the person’s life and don’t create a bigger place for them in your life than what you have in theirs

BaddestofUsernames · 2020-02-17T06:54:57+00:00

So, I got several tricks for this, not all of them are good but I'll share the good ones:

Think about living with them for a long time, like 5 years. How comfortable are you with that?

Imagine them in a kind of unflattering situation. Like if they're room is messy, or they're in a bad mood from work or something.

You don't need these people. You don't need validation, approval, or anything from these people. You can just walk away and live your life fine. Don't give em power over you.

danksteamymemes · 2020-02-17T07:24:56+00:00

Read "Models" by Mark Manson. He makes a great argument as to why emotional neediness (attachment) ruins relationships in chapter two.

keevenel · 2020-02-17T08:59:57+00:00

Focus on your purpose in life. A relationship should not be your number 1 priority

frie-with-a-tie · 2020-02-17T09:33:31+00:00

Try to use post nut clarity to your advantage

big-rascal · 2020-02-17T10:40:51+00:00

Never had this issue, wonder how it feels

thivagar05 · 2020-02-17T17:17:11+00:00

Learn from experience. That is what I did, they hurt but it is what it is.

Torwulfer · 2020-02-17T18:38:20+00:00

Stop sniping. Pull out the shotgun instead. It's hard to get over attached to one girl when you have 10 equal options. Getting too attached is a symptom of scarcity, treat the cause, and the symptom goes away.

Make sure you always have options, yes, even if you're married. You don't have to cheat, but the opportunity should always be there.

farfar336 · 2020-02-18T05:13:35+00:00

I used to have this problem. I fixed it by only looking at my messages twice a day. One in the morning, one at night. That way, you're not constantly checking your phone to see if you got a message from her. Also, dating multiple people helps, because if it doesn't work out with one girl, you always have other options.

realperson67982 · 2020-02-18T15:49:26+00:00

This is what works for me: having the mental discipline not to engage in any fantasies whatsoever about her. Nothing sexual, romantic, not about the coming date, don’t even dwell on how much you like her.

When you think of her, just come back to the present. What are you feeling in your body? What are you doing, what does your life ask of you right now?

Think back to the date or interaction, and focus on the REALITY. Y’all talked over coffee. She said she liked your shirt. That’s it. Maybe you get married. Maybe she’s already married. You have no idea. You are just two people who talked and had coffee. Nothing to get attached over.

If you get attached after sex or some emotional intimacy or prolonged contact, that’s based in reality. And it’s okay to be vulnerable about it and express what you’re feeling in an objective, non-needy way.

Edit: with this method, I met this really cute girl at a coffee shop. She was reading a book someone I highly respected had just recommended me. We start talking and find out we have all the same interests and eerily similar life visions. On top of that, i had been manifesting that I would fall in love by my birthday— only a month or so away. She asked me to get coffee. All that weekend, I did not fantasize, I did not make it anything more than it was. Turns out, she’s gay! I didn’t get mad, I didn’t really care at all, and now we’re close friends. And no not the close friends where I secretly have a crush on her. Just close friends.

Maybe not a huge deal for some but compared to my past self, it definitely was for me.

skunkbear444 · 2020-02-20T17:45:05+00:00

Force yourself to go sleep with more women while you feel attached. Spend less time with attached person, cut down to once a week.

jspen110 · 2020-02-17T06:43:26+00:00

Have your heartbroken and this won’t happen again. Constantly remind yourself that she can hurt you at any moment. Read stories of guys getting cheating on; read lots of them. Once you realize that all girls share the same basic human nature you will become resilient to gaining deep vulnerable affection towards them.

dhiggzzz · 2020-02-16T20:47:35+00:00

On this note, how do you get a girl infatuated with you? I see so many girls hooked on only one guy and I’m curious how that happens haha what do those guys do?

truth-reconciliation · 2020-02-16T22:47:26+00:00

Dont be a weak blue pilled little bitch. Simple as that.

Title	Okay folks, we need a thread on not getting quickly attached
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	500
Comments	118
Date	February 16, 2020 5:29 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/f4tu7u/okay_folks_we_need_a_thread_on_not_getting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/okay-folks-we-need-a-thread-on-not-getting-quickly.1490715 https://theredarchive.com/post/1490715

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