How do you avoid becoming an incel?

BootyBRGLR69 · 2024-06-23T21:06:17+00:00

There are a lot of people here who I think can relate to you right now.

There are also a lot of people out there who will call you an incel for acknowledging that misandry exists and that men’s issues actually matter beyond how they affect women.

I know from personal experience, and many long nights spent wrestling with my thoughts and morals, just how easy it is to fall into a spiral of guilt and self-doubt about this

The mantra I repeat to myself when I feel myself giving in to hate is that I can’t let myself fall into the same cynical trap that the misandrists have fallen into (I.e. “every ___ is the same and I hate them”).

It’s easy to let righteous anger turn to hate, but by being self-aware, we can be better than those that hate us.

Unusual_Implement_87 · 2024-06-23T21:47:00+00:00

Incel just means involuntarily celibate, the vast majority of people on reddit who attack incels are incels themselves. However the term has become mainstream and is just a generic insult for ugly people or misogynists now rather than the actual meaning.

There are things you can do to stop being incel, however whenever I have posted my experience of what I did it always gets removed here so pm me if you want to know what I did.

phoenician_anarchist · 2024-06-23T20:43:13+00:00

I'm not sure "incel" is the word you're looking for; Depression, nihilism, "black pill"...?

And being on subs like these does me no favors. Opening my eyes to the sheer amount of bullshit (for I don’t know what else to call it) is just… depressing.

The internet will do that to you, maybe log off and take a break for a while? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Educational_Mud_9062 · 2024-06-23T23:43:31+00:00

A basis in left-wing, anti-essentialist thought helps keep me from going off the deep end. By that I mean a lot of right-wing types believe in essential traits that dominate all human behavior and immutable structures that determine the shape of society. That's not limited to gender roles but it generally includes them. By viewing social systems as contingent and malleable and human beliefs and behaviors as at least in part shaped by those social systems, not only does that allow for exceptions to the norm to exist but it allows the norm to change. That doesn't mean the norm is easy to change, but especially if you live in a liberal Western country you can see over the last 50-100 years how attitudes towards women have generally shifted and the expectations and behaviors of men and women alike have been altered. That means it's possible to make changes that lessen the harm traditional and contemporary gender norms do to men as well. Of course even acknowledging that as a desirable goal is still verboten in most social circles, but just like the contingency of capitalism, the possibility of something changing keeps me from falling into absolute despair and misanthropy. Of course that's also why I'm so critical of misandristic liberal feminism. Those aren't just "other" ideas that are out there not causing harm. Their proliferation actively maintains the status quo or pushes it further into demonizing men. If we're going to change things for the better, countering that rhetoric whenever it pops up will have to be an essential part of doing so.

UnIntelligent_Local · 2024-06-23T21:05:19+00:00

Unironically touch grass. A lot of people feel that this phrase is antagonistic, but it's kinda true. Spend less time on the Internet, don't watch those social commentary videos on YouTube, limit your exposure to politics and opinionated News. Spend more time engaged in conversation with good natured people. Struggle and learn how to have a good conversation with a stranger. Read some good books. Let yourself be inspired by art and music. Spend more time making friends, trying something new, and living your best life. It's easier said than done. But nothing worth a shit is going to come easy.

Hatethehater33 · 2024-06-24T04:41:32+00:00

It’s ok to be a incel imho there is nothing wrong with you, many men are incels if we take that to mean they want a relationship but can’t get one, most incels are just lonely men imho

Few-Procedure-268 · 2024-06-23T21:26:16+00:00

Avoid isolation. Connect with friends and family (or make some friends). Relationships will hopefully follow, but even if they don't, it will help your mental health and worldview.

Plenty_Lettuce5418 · 2024-06-24T01:18:12+00:00

I feel like I’m turning into an incel.

important lesson : you have to learn to differentiate between the connotative meaning of a word, and the notative definition of it. the notative definition of the word incel means involuntarily celibate. however there is a negative cultural connotation to it, people often use the word incel as a pejorative to refer to a mysoginist.

I literally feel myself turning more angry and hateful and disdainful each day

this is a feature of social isolation. you should watch a documentary on solitary confinement. those guys through social isolation just become increasingly and increasingly angrier and irritable, until they become violent.

drhagbard_celine · 2024-06-23T22:58:08+00:00

I remember having to adjust my thinking from sad I didn’t find someone to happy I didn’t find the wrong someone. Changed the dynamic of the initial interactions with women which ended up being more carefree and less goal oriented. I discovered that if I was only interested in women for potential mates I was probably cutting myself off from a lot of otherwise beneficial relationships, for example, the girl friend who likes you and respects you enough to vouch for and advocate on your behalf to someone who could be right for you, or just wind up being people you truly want to spend time with independent of any romantic considerations. The women I met during that transitional period of my life have become some of my best friends.

Johntoreno · 2024-06-23T22:54:48+00:00

I literally feel myself turning more angry and hateful and disdainful each day

How does that make you an incel? Incels are just guys who want to have sex but can't, even married men in deadbedroom relationships are "incels".

Danteventresca · 2024-06-23T21:54:51+00:00

Go outside and talk to people. Having a social life outside of work/school and home is the best antidote to inceldom

yuendeming1994 · 2024-06-23T22:14:48+00:00

What wrong with being incel?

doesitevermatter- · 2024-06-24T00:28:32+00:00

By not blaming all women for the behavior of some. In the same way, we don't want them blaming us for the behavior of other men.

testamentfan67 · 2024-06-23T22:09:38+00:00

You can’t avoid being an incel. You can avoid being misogynistic though. Just accept that women are not at fault for not finding you attractive enough. They have things they find attractive and so do you. You don’t have to like, women, but you don’t have to hate them either.

Transhumanistgamer · 2024-06-24T05:31:15+00:00

How do you avoid becoming an incel?

Genes, circumstance, and luck. Incel has become a pejorative for men but definitionally it's a situation men find themselves in due to factors beyond their control.

Unfortunately, I am a fairly misanthropic and bitter person by default. The older I get, I get more bitter and jaded I become (not towards women, just towards life in general).

Steve Stewart William's The Ape That Understood The Universe is a fantastic book that explains evolutionary psychology. I think cynics should be very aware that many of humanity's shortcomings isn't really anyone's fault. It's the end result of blind forces that either maximizes reproductive success or just happened to happen.
Steven Pinker's The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined and Peter Diamandis + Steven Kotler Abundance: The Future Is Better Than You Think. Despite our origins and shortcomings, we're better off today in many demonstrable ways than we were in most of human history. There's a million of existential problems we have to face yet, but it's not all doom and gloom.

Understanding that the cards are rigged against us by virtue of the fact of evolution, and yet humanity with science and reason is capable of making a better world, is what keeps me going. There's harsh facts about who we are as a species but motivating facts about what we've done. Just imagine explaining the concept of universal human rights to a Sumerian.

Or if you want the shorthand version, this scene from Star Trek encapsulates this idea: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uii5WrmChbE&pp=ygUfcGljYXJkIHdobyB3YXRjaGVzIHRoZSB3YXRjaGVycw%3D%3D

Hubris1998 · 2024-06-24T13:31:08+00:00

If you saw what they people who call you an incel look like, you wouldn't be offended. It's just sad.

yaboytim · 2024-06-24T15:33:30+00:00

If you hate everyone, you're just a misanthrope!! It reminds me of the old qoute. "I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally."

roversday · 2024-06-25T02:04:08+00:00

Stay off social media. TikTok and instagram are currently filled with wars/ man hating posts that are fed into the dating/single people algorithm. Best to avoid

MickeyMatt202 · 2024-06-25T17:59:57+00:00

You give the word too much power by using it in this context. At best the term describes people who can’t get sex, and at worst it’s used to attack non feminists. I think it’s best you see women as a non homogenous group of mostly naive people who simply want resources. I don’t think most women actually hate men or think feminism is even useful, they just see more rights = more good.

odeacon · 2024-06-25T21:31:56+00:00

Don’t talk to women online to much. They’re way nicer in person I’ve noticed

Complex-Ad-4640 · 2024-06-26T19:27:38+00:00

They'll call you a Incel for disagreeing with feminists . I personally don't believe that being Incel is a bad thing. The best solution I have for you is a lookup covert contracts which is basically me doing something out of the expectation of getting something returned (a.k.a manipulation). The best solution to stop being "incel" is to focus on yourself. Focus on doing things that makes you happy outside of relationships and sexual gratification. Learn how to be truly happy by yourself alone.

Timberwolf111 · 2024-07-04T00:35:14+00:00

Hey I'm a woman and I understand how you feel over these past few weeks I've noticed I was growing a resentment for men and the internet doesn't help and I keep reflecting on so many bad experiences I've had with men. Someone recommended me this subreddit and honestly it's helping me not villainize men. Made me open my eyes to how both genders have so many problems. My solution at the moment is to use this as an opportunity to learn more on the issues both genders feel and why some behaviors are more relevant in one gender then the other so that I don't automatically go to the conclusion that men are the worst. I think it's just been so ingrained in me ever since I was young to be hateful towards men because of the way men in my family had more freedoms then me and weren't obligated to do domestic labor. Anyway keep a positive mindset and stay off the internet at least that's what I'll be doing.

Hatethehater33 · 2024-06-24T08:30:41+00:00

I’m a male rape victim who was raped by a woman and I’m a incel and proud of it! Don’t be ashamed to be a incel, women tell me I’m more privileged than my rapist

ShermansFanboy · 2024-06-24T13:18:11+00:00

It's pretty much all about maintaining perspective. I'm going to assume you mean the common "women hating" ideolgoue when you say "incel".

A big part of maintaining a healthy view of people in society can be maintaining healthy relationships, in this case with women.

It is hard to fall into incredibly hateful tendencies if you acknowledge women in your life who have been caring and good to you.

I think humans are emotional creatures first and logical second, so it's important for you to put things immediately in your life that ground you from falling into hate. The internet sadly has been fantastic at preventing us from doing that, we all get into enclaves and just start fucking spitting on those "others" while never associating with anyone else.

Also, I sometimes get vitriolic myself, but it is for a moment, and then I calm myself down. Those moments I think are okay to have as long as you acknowledge them for what they are, lapses fed by real emotional/grievance turmoil but not indicative of truth.

Part of the issue for men is that no one acknowledges what feeds our pain in society, so you end up just permanently pissed off, but a lot of groups go through this to other degrees.

Those who are radicalized by these things are often the most miserable people on that planet as well, it's no way to live a life and is incredibly regressive, though I can understand some of their pain.

But yeah tldr talk to women and remember they're people, some of whom really care for you like any other group. Not a monolith or a systemic force seeking to make your miserable, just another group trying to make sense of their own turmoil.

FizzyBeverage · 2024-06-23T23:54:23+00:00

Take it from any married man… I hate the 0-10 scale but in this case… don’t try to date 9s if you’re a 3.

If you don’t spend your life in a gym don’t expect her to be chiseled. If you’re broke as a joke, she’s likely not going to be a billionaire.

Be a realist and the sex will follow. Incel issue solved.

yaboytim · 2024-06-24T15:33:23+00:00

If you hate everyone, you're just a misanthrope!! It reminds me of the old qoute. "I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally."

SimilarLab1388 · 2025-04-24T17:52:23+00:00

Lots of hegemonic, violent, and greedy men get plenty of sex (politicians, athletes, CEOs, etc..). Morality isn't the hallmark of inceldome, it's powerlessness.

Power is what makes a man successful with women; you'll never see a big shot lawyer making 200k+ struggling to get laid or finding a date.

It isn't an issue of morality that makes a man in incel, it's rather the status they hold in society. And no, being a good person doesn't make a man high-status, in fact I would argue that good men are less likely to compete effectively in life.

monochromance · 2024-06-23T18:39:19+00:00

lol, automatically removed… whatever.

Joeb667 · 2024-06-24T14:57:32+00:00

I’m kind of like you. So I empathize. You can actually train your brain to be less bitter overtime—you are what you think. For me that consists of regular meditation, listing to audiobooks that look at the world in a rational way, and avoiding social media and news as much as possible. For you it might be something different.

Skirt_Douglas · 2024-06-24T16:09:31+00:00

If you feel that social media is exasperating your bitterness and anger, then it’s time to start taking a break from social media and find a new hobby to fill your time with.

Healthy_Godzilla · 2024-06-23T23:32:57+00:00

I know you said your mental health already isn’t good. If you haven’t already I would recommend looking into a therapist if you can afford one (some have sliding scales to make them more accessible to people)

This is another topic you can talk about in therapy. Addressing why you feel this hate and what you do from there. Specifically might want to check cognitive behavioral therapy

I would also reiterate what others have said - this sounds like being Misogynist, not incel.

FightHateWithLove · 2024-06-26T15:28:49+00:00

Everyone experiences some amount of loneliness and social frustration. It's part of the human condition.

Where incels go wrong is internalizing that experience as part of their sense of self and identity. But being alone is a condition like being being sleepy or being dizzy. It isn't a characteristic like being tall or blonde.

Unfortunately there's no guaranteed way to gain a sexual/romantic partner. People are too complex for that. All anyone can do is work on improving themselves to become someone they can admire, and hope that that increases the likelihood of making a connection.

Commercial-Ruin-4726 · 2024-06-24T09:29:07+00:00

Answering from a neocon perspective rather than lwma. Some of it might be trans exclusionary.

Inceldom is cynicism.

The opposite of cynicism is faith (believing in something without questioning or reason)

Faith in yourself, people around you, some sort of idealized deity.

Combine it you might get wisdom.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=lUJjPoTjTkU

You can try the "new religion" that peterson is talking about these days:- meta truths, archetypes, shadow work, integrating your shadow, etc.

Also, you can listen to some women and men who are empathetic to men and try to make this society better.

Youtubers :- Notsoerudite, Louise perry, Richard Reeves, William costello, The Authentic Observer

Entheuthanasia · 2024-06-23T21:18:03+00:00

By reading about the experiences of women who have been suffered at the hands of men. It’s a good reminder that, despite my own personal experiences, there is no such equation as “woman = abuser” and that being a horrible person is genderless.

no_user_ID_found · 2024-06-24T06:31:28+00:00

Have sex.

BigMagnut · 2024-06-25T06:02:02+00:00

Go to an escort or find a sugar baby. Problem solved. Being an incel is a choice people make. You can become a passport bro. You can become a sugar daddy. You can become a client.

Make a choice.

GodlessPerson · 2024-06-24T15:44:03+00:00

You'll only end up believing the incel ideology if you are desperate to be with a woman. If you become content with not being with a woman you can still be an incel but it's much harder to fall into the ideology.

MadBlackGreek · 2024-06-24T14:28:45+00:00

Stop victimizing yourself. Being told “no” is a big part of the Male experience. Giving up and buying into “black pill” rhetoric is part of the incel rhetoric

jerichoholic1 · 2024-06-23T22:22:51+00:00

I have a girlfriend, my own business and I studied Jung which improved my communication skills.

Alive_Coconut9477 · 2024-06-24T05:53:45+00:00

Sorry to say, but it's not for you to decide. You are an incel.

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