Fiancé made me quit my favourite hobby and resentment is building

Deliaallmylife · 2024-08-31T15:12:09+00:00

A few months after we met , my now fiance put pressure on me to quit my favourite hobby- belly dance.

A few months after you met, you should still be vetting him. You have a right to choose a man who supports your hobby. That would be an ideal time to decide that your values are incompatible.

My fiance pressured me to stop because he was jealous about other men looking at me dancing and was embarrassed if his family found out. None of my previous boyfriends ever had an issue with it and supported me.

There will be men like this. It doesn't matter that it's not all men. It is some men and it is this man. Your exes are exes for a reason so don't play comparative games between them and your fiance.

My fiance is good to me in other ways and of course I don't want to lose him.

Your post history is full of issues that you have with your fiance so I think you should really revisit this. Is he truly the man for you or does he have one or two qualities that you are scared to lose and a lot of qualities that aren't so great? Or do you have trouble being happy in a relationship?

I've been taking pole dancing classes for a while now. My husband is supportive of it with the understanding that I'm not going off to perform for strangers. It is an in class or at home sort of hobby. I do it for the health benefits and the fun and it has become a fun add on to create more intimacy between me and the husband. There are women with partners that don't care at all and that is between them and their partners. I have a partner who cares. So do you. For me I'm happier making my husband happy than I would be dancing for strangers. If you are not happy making this man happy, that is something to explore.

All relationships involve a give and take. The thing that you need to ask yourself is whether he is worth the give and take AND is he giving as well as taking. I suspect that this isn't about belly dancing. If this was really the man for you then you'd be willing to make it work. IMO the right man is someone you are happy to make concessions for because you feel like you are getting is better than what you are giving up.

This isn't the red flag that people want it to be. It is a hobby that appeals to "the male gaze" and you are going to run into men that aren't interested in having a wife that goes out and performs for other men's pleasure. It doesn't matter that you don't see it that way. Men are visual and there are men in your audience who have a hard on watching you. Don't expect that all men will be like your exes and not care about your performing for a mixed audience.

chodmode2 · 2024-08-31T14:11:13+00:00

He said it would be ok if I danced in classes with other women,

He's supportive of your hobby, just not of you dancing infront of other men.

I'm upset deep inside that I can't do this again, like really really hurt. It was my passion.

You absolutely can do this again, just in front of him or other women. You could even start a studio where you teach other women how to dance.

I know performing arts are much less fun without a large audience, but if dancing if your hobby - you can continue to dance, just with a difference audience.

You do need to do some introspection to see if what you partially miss is the attention/validation from other men and not just the dancing (because he's not really stopping you from dancing..).

Strange_Entrance7302 · 2024-08-31T15:48:11+00:00

Listen to your gut on this. Yes, he has a right to his preferences, but you also have a right to decide whether or not this is the true path for you.

I read your post history. There are other issues here. He doesn't seem to fully respect your concerns about his female study partner and won't give her up out of respect for you, yet expects you to give up your passion for him?

If you move forward with this relationship, I suggest a serious discussion about jealousy and boundaries. If you will be making sacrifices like this for him, he should be willing to sacrifice and get a male study partner out of respect for you.

Respect goes both ways. Men don't just automatically get more respect because they are men. No, they have to prove it through their actions and how they provide for you. Having a close platonic friendship with another woman who makes you uncomfortable is not something that a true provider would do (but that's just my opinion). He needs to provide a sense of safety and security, and he isn't doing that for you. No wonder you feel resentful about giving this up.

Jenneapolis · 2024-08-31T15:11:50+00:00

Keep in mind that none of your other boyfriends had concerns about it probably because they weren’t invested in you long-term the way your fiancé is. I see women make this argument all the time and they’re really missing this fact. I can completely understand why he doesn’t want you dancing for men. If you enjoy dancing, there are lots of ways you can do this while respecting him.

sheistybitz · 2024-08-31T13:55:16+00:00

He is being fair in my opinion. He is telling you if you did it with women privately then that’s fine. You want to do it publically for men to see you. He has more respect for you, your body, your reputation and your safety more than your other partners in my opinion.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-08-31T23:32:43+00:00

I really want to go out and do it again. I genuinely want to, but I understand that this could cost me the relationship. My fiance is good to me in other ways and of course I don't want to lose him.

So sometimes people talk about “the price of admission.” There are certain things that we are going to have to tolerate to get the man or woman of our dreams. It’s pretty clear with the red line for your fiancé is.

He seems to be willing to make some accommodation towards it. So is the question that you can’t belly dance anymore? Or you cannot belly dance anymore in front of other men?

So decide what you want more, the relationship or belly dancing in front of other men, and go with that.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-08-31T20:19:38+00:00

Ah, it's been a minute since we had someone in here wrestling with a sexualized/male-attention heavy career choice and a man. Last time it was a model, I believe.

The fact of the matter is, if you want a man who will be OK with you publicly belly dancing (or modeling semi-nude, or waitresses at Hooters, or anything else designed to make men look) he's going to have a certain set of personality traits and not have a different set of personality traits.

I'm willing to bet there are things about your man that you really like, which may fall under the traditional or protective or loyal umbrellas of traits, which also drive his desire to know only he is focusing on your body like that. It's a case of "you can't have your cake and eat it too." He is the kind of man you want. The kind of man you want doesn't want a wife who publicly belly dances around other men.

I'm also going to point out something you may not realize in your desires. I dance too, and though it is in a different genre, it's also not something I would do in front of men. The sheer energy my body exudes after a class or female-only performance feels amazing and I would not want to give it up. My husband encourages me to continue participating - both for my health and because he likes how happy dancing makes me. Your fiance is the same. He has not taken dance from you. He has asked you to give up 1) the income stream and 2) the performance avenue that is most frequently available.

You are not missing dance. You are either missing the income source or the attention of frequent or mixed-company performances. By all means, continue to dance - I know for certain the bellydancing community contains women-only performance spaces. And by all means, develop some other income source if you would like. But don't kid yourself that what you're craving is to dance, because you can still do that.

RedPillDad · 2024-08-31T13:44:54+00:00

He's taking you seriously. If he wasn't, he wouldn't care about exposing your body with bikini pics or nights of belly dancing. You could fight him on this with arguments about "it's my body, my choice", but his choice might be to walk away from you.

DarmakJalad · 2024-08-31T13:57:20+00:00

This is a tough topic. While I wouldn’t *start dancing/etc. if my partner weren’t okay with it, if I entered the relationship as a dancer, I wouldn’t love them telling me I couldn’t do it anymore. However, you are engaged and it sounds like you don’t want to lose the relationship (although watch out for any other potential red/yellow flags) so I’m wondering— is there any middle ground that might work? Like, continuing to dance, but in more conservative apparel and potentially in a more conservative style of belly dance (depending on your style now) ? I know it might not work for the job, since they may prefer your previous outfits or style, but perhaps you could still perform in other contexts in the more conservative apparel?

Edit: OP, I looked at your other posts. Is he respecting your boundaries with other women? The nude massage thing is concerning.

OkKaleidoscope9696 · 2024-09-02T03:48:39+00:00

This same scenario happened on 90 Day Fiancé UK.

Astroviridae · 2024-08-31T14:31:19+00:00

OP are you and/or your fiance Muslim? If you are, please add that context to your post.

autumniteshade · 2024-08-31T18:16:28+00:00

I thought belly dancing was cultural and not sexual? Maybe it depends on context. He is not your husband yet so it’s easier to walk away if this relationship is not viable. Remember another person can’t make you do anything. I know you want to respect his wishes but not at the expense of diminishing yourself. If it is your passion then I’d say find a fiancé that supports your hobby. You want to continue doing the things that brought you joy before marriage to bring that spark to your marriage.

*Edited to say fiancé instead of finances.

CountTheBees · 2024-09-01T02:44:27+00:00

Does this have anything to do with you wanting to quit your job as per post history? Is this an attempt to "get back" at him for making you stick to the career?

MuseofPetrichor · 2024-08-31T13:56:20+00:00

Oh, I'm so sorry. One of my fave hobbies is belly dancing too. I don't do anything with it (I'm not at that level, anyway), like I don't record it or perform. It's just for my own enjoyment. It's my main form of cardio every day. Can you just keep it to yourself? There are amazing YTers who teach. It's how I learned. Belly Dancer Diaries, Leilach Issac, Femonlinedance.

(Sorry, got too excited and posted before completely reading. Leaving it up, anyway).

But it must feel amazing to be paid for doing something you enjoy like belly dancing. The energy from your dance, the music, and the enjoyment of the crowd. Sounds amazing, and I don't know how I'd feel if someone wanted to take that away from me. Not saying you should choose bellydance over him, but he shouldn't want to change who you are, or take away things that make you happy.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-31T13:00:01+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page. Include any relevant context regarding religion, culture, living arrangements/LDRs, or other information that will help commenters.
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

No-Comfort1229 · 2024-09-01T10:37:19+00:00

there are ways to make your man feel sure about you, even if you spend time or dance in front of other men. if your loyalty and you being unobtainable to anyone who isn’t him, is out of question, there’s nothing he will prohibit you from doing. jealousy and possessiveness can be talked about and eased. that assuming he’s loyal.

Organic-Leg-2703 · 2024-09-01T20:45:54+00:00

May i ask if he's arab/muslim???

Calm-Confusion7530 · 2024-09-03T08:09:14+00:00

You're fiance is demonstrating signs of possession very early on in your relation. Check this website his behavior is listed as an alarm raising flag by specialist in DV. https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/ I wouldn't be surprised if we checked in on you from a year from now and you reported this same man hitting or emotionally abusing you. He met you as a belly dancer, he knows this is something that you personally love and do just for you. You've explained and he has no grounds to assume you are doing it to for attention/cheat. The fact that he is willing to pressure you to stop something you love is NOT A GOOD SIGN. No one who truly cares and loves you would pressure you to give something up that isn't harmful to you for their comfort. These are early signs of incoming DV. He is not just removing you from a hobby you enjoy, he is asking you to remove yourself from a community. he is asking you to dim your light because it makes him feel insecure. Bellydance make you confident and I'm sure make you feel beautiful and one with your body. He is asking you to give this up instead of working through why he finds it so offensive that you love this.

This upset that you feel deep inside won't go away. You can try to run from it. But the what if will always linger. You are choosing to abandon yourself and passion for the sake of someone else. By quitting for his sake and comfort you are teaching yourself that your needs come second to his. That your desires are less important. This will eventually turn into resentment. You will eventually blame him for the regret that you feel for leaing yourself behind and chasing someone else.

What is the limit? If he woke up and decided another thing you liked was offensive you would you roll over and abandon that too for his sake?

Please visit the helpful guide and read just a little into abusive relationship even if you know this isn't that --it really doesn't hurt to learn more. I've been in so many abusive relationships and when I read your post I gasped cause it sounds like something my younger self would have written. I'm not saying your fiance is abusive (just yet) but you should really address this possessive behavior on his end before making such an important life decision.

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

"Keep in mind that people who abuse others are often calculated, working slowly to disconnect you from yourself and from the people around you. They do this so that they can mold you into an object who's sole purpose is to meet their every need.Sadly, over time, victims become used to the abuse—quite literally, this trauma becomes their new “normal” (what is referred to as “homeostasis”). So, choosing to disrupt this normal, even if it is abusive, is a radical shift to the brain, and there is this natural resistance takes place."

mysteryprincesse · 2024-09-03T17:50:08+00:00

My opinion is that this man is insecure, if he doesn’t want you doing something that makes you happy and you earn a compensation for and on top of that is jealous of other men looking at you, he’s worried that another man will pursue and probably lose you in the process, jealousy is normal, not trusting your partner is different, some men are naturally more possessive and it comes with some drawbacks like controlling you and what you love doing, belly dancing is a sport and entertainment and with loyalty on your part he has nothing to worry about, let’s say he’s a bodybuilder or is into fitness if you ask him to close his account of social media because he’s posting his body etc, and you don’t like other women looking at him, will he close it and stop doing the thing he love or will he drop you and find someone who accepts it? My opinion is if he ain’t adding value elsewhere in your life, or isn’t willing to give up things for you too, leave him he’s not worth it. This type assume the worst of their partner no matter how faithful they are because they have ill values behind your back, a man doesn’t want other men looking at you because they look at other women not in a normal way but like they want them therefore it’s a parallel mindset here. I know this well because my ex used to not let me dress the way I want which is knee length dresses and really feminine and classy clothes not even provocative, he was talking to many on the side and whenever we are together he checks out other women, men’s values and beliefs are a reflection of what they practice in real life, they don’t want you looking good so you would not get attention from men or attract someone, no sexy or fun hobbies because it will attract other men, don’t wear too much makeup or do you hair bc you will look pretty and attract, don’t smile in public or be friendly to men bc they will like you, it’s all toxic control

worldlysentiments · 2024-08-31T19:43:04+00:00

You have to decide where your hard boundaries are. I wouldn’t stop performing if I truly loved it and was making $ off it. It’s an art. Doing it in a studio is not the same thing as performing imo. If you feel that it’s something you don’t want to compromise on, then you should stand your ground. Unless it’s truly harming someone, you should be able to express yourself.

waywarddaughterzzz · 2024-08-31T18:49:49+00:00

He didn’t make you do anything. Girl, you’re an adult and letting him dictate.

Sweatpant-Diva · 2024-08-31T13:49:37+00:00

This is a relationship I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in. He may choose to leave you when you start up your hobby again, you should let him.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-08-31T16:58:28+00:00

It's very, very hard to give up something. It's much easier to replace. What is something you'd like to do more that you haven't had time for? Anything you've always wanted to try? Something you were into when you were younger than you've put aside as you've gotten older?

I wrote this post awhile back on different needs we have: security, status, and escape.

This post reads like he was lacking in Security and you gave up your Escape to help. Now, you're lacking in Escape. Your best choices are either 1) finding a different way to fulfill his need for Security or 2) finding a different way to fulfill your need for Escape.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-31T13:00:00+00:00

Title: Fiancé made me quit my favourite hobby and resentment is building

Author Automatic_Carob_6605

Full text: A few months after we met , my now fiance put pressure on me to quit my favourite hobby- belly dance.

I had been belly dancing for a few years , had got to a good level and was dancing weekly in a restaurant. I viewed this as a professional hobby and I'd often come home full of joy, and make some money on the side too.

My fiance pressured me to stop becuase he was jealous about other men looking at me dancing and was embarrassed if his family found out. None of my previous boyfriends ever had an issue with it and supported me. I also had a belly dance instagram account which he made me close. He said it would be ok if I danced in classes with other women, other than that he wouldn't accept it.

Now time has passed and I'm watching clips of belly dancers of YouTube. I'm upset deep inside that I can't do this again, like really really hurt. It was my passion.

I really want to go out and do it again. I genuinely want to, but I understand that this could cost me the relationship. My fiance is good to me in other ways and of course I don't want to lose him.

Any thoughts/ advice would be appreciated

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

biohacking-babe · 2024-09-01T13:55:17+00:00

Can you not find a class with women, or maybe teach it?

mycatwins · 2024-09-01T21:58:19+00:00

You can still do it. You just can’t do it in front of random men in a restaurant

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-09-02T03:14:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

inhaledpie4 · 2024-09-02T04:18:40+00:00

Is it absolutely necessary for you to perform in front of men? If yes, you should break it off.

BunniJugs · 2024-08-31T15:05:33+00:00

Just in my personal opinion this is a red flag

PhotographMyWife · 2024-08-31T20:01:32+00:00

It’s crazy to imagine this concept of any person establishing a connection with someone, then a committed relationship, then immediately start making the effort to change things about that person to make them fit. I’ve never understood this. Where in the relationship manual does it specify that “Tame the Beast” is a necessary process to have a strong relationship with someone? If people aren’t happy with the person and all that comes with who they are, they need to acknowledge these things and move along. Constantly looking for reasons to add friction into an intimate relationship seems like some troublemaker bullshit. Forcing anyone to give up what they find happiness in is such a cruel element to modern relationships.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-08-31T16:41:59+00:00

(A) Do you want this man in your life?

(B) Do you want belly dancing?

Pick one.

You won’t get them both, but be warned, you may not get what you want.

shzam5890 · 2024-08-31T13:57:23+00:00

He's starting to show you his true colors, which are that he will try to control you and stop you from doing anything that makes him feel insecure the deeper you two get, no matter how innocent. This isn't cool, I would leave and find a man who is supportive of something heathy that makes you feel good. Theres nothing wrong with belly dancing. And if it brings you as much joy as you say it's quite messed up he would try to prevent you from doing it,

Title	Fiancé made me quit my favourite hobby and resentment is building
Author	Automatic_Carob_6605
Upvotes	45
Comments	99
Date	August 31, 2024 1:00 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1f5mpdg/fiancé_made_me_quit_my_favourite_hobby_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiance-made-me-quit-my-favourite-hobby-and.1528952 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528952

Comments