Why would a man feel emasculated or unconfortable if his wife/girlfriend earns more than him and she is the breadwinner and provider of his family and if a woman pay all the bills in a date?

ComfortableJeans · 2024-10-20T07:47:59+00:00

I've never, ever met a bloke who would be hurt or worried about that. I'm almost positive that it's an extreme minority of men that have any negative feeling about it, and they're just very vocal on the internet.

If I call up any boy I know, right now and ask "How would you feel is X was earning 5x what you are?" I can guarantee they'd all be estatic.

I used to date someone who outearned me by a LOT. I even used to play into it. I'd Joke about how I'm basically a stay at home wife for her, but I'm also 6'3 and could lift her above my head without any issue, so she can't say shit about it. I've actually dated a few girls who've out earned me by multiple times over.

I'm too bashful to go into specifics with strangers, but when you're the one doing certain relationship things to her, it's hard to feel insecure in your masculinity. Especially when it comes to something like money.

As much as I'd joke about it, I really thought it was cute.

In my experience, it's virtually never the man who has a problem with it. It's the woman and her side of the family.

I've found that women don't care at first. In fact, they're really into providing and showering you with gifts. But pretty soon, they start to resent it. And families resent you pretty much as soon as they find out.

The only reason I could see for men being upset about it, is knowing that they're now being viewed as bad male partners for earning less than their female partner.

But there's a much more difficult coversation to be had about how mens values as humans, partners and men is hugely determined by how much money they earn.

The only advice I could really give to a woman about this would be to not think less of your partner for earning less money than you. But I'm not sure what exactly brings on that feeling, anyway. Maybe it's not something you'd even be in control of.

In terms of advice for a woman that has a partner who's upset by this. I'd try to find ways to reasure him that you still love him, the money isn't important and you still want him just as much as ever. Make him feel safe.

Edit: I'll add this to the primary comment too, because I feel like it's pretty relivant to the whole thing.

I don't think it's so much that men feel their value as people is tied to their worth, as much as they understand that the world, women and society as a whole values them less because of it.

And it really is a value that's applied to you, regardless of whether you agree with it or not.

I've had partners get into arguments with friends because their friends have told them to leave or cheat on me because I don't have the money that they do. With the idea being, if they lose me, is it really a loss? Because she out earns me

I entered these relationships knowing full well that these women out earned me, I never changed even a bit in this regard. But I did see how others changed because of it. I'd even had it thrown in my face by one partner when she'd had a bad day and just boiled over.

I've carried partners around the house kissing them and telling them how great they were they've gotten good jobs because of degrees they've gotten from college. I've even taken mandatory extra classes online (Without teachers knowing it wasn't her) for one partner so she could have an easier time with her main studies while she was working, SO she could get these higher paying positions.

And after a year of taking bullshit classes that I didn't care about to lighten her load and stresses, in which I got all A's, because I knew it was important to her, I still ended up getting left because she didn't want to support me and had to put herself first. This from a girl who'd sobbed into my chest about how no one had ever made her feel so loved. I was hitting all the marks. I try really really hard in relationships. I love taking care of the person I love in all those soft ways. I fucking beam over it. I don't like to blow my own horn, but I'm a REALLY loving partner. It's wierd to say, but at some point every girl I've been with has cried about it while I've held them... And it's still not enough. Because I don't have the money.

I worked so they could earn even more than me. I'm totally comfortable being the out earned partner, by any multitude. Doesn't phase me in the slightest. But it does make people noticeably think less of you as a man. People DO treat you more poorly for it. It's not some imagined plight that's bringing you down through purly paranoid thoughts.

I throw my whole heart into this shit, and in other peoples eyes, I'm still just trash, ultimately. Because I'm poor.

This a standard by which you're judged, not by which you judge yourself.

There's aren't values men are placing on themselves, these are values being enforced onto men.

Barely-moral · 2024-10-19T23:35:36+00:00

Because we men understand that in reality (not in philosophical scenarios) they are only valuable for what they can do for and provide to others.

If I am not in a position to provide for someone or do something to provide value to said someone in a way that is not easily replaceable and thus makes me easily replaceable I know that I have no value for them and I better get the fuck out of there if I want to find something stable.

Grow_peace_in_Bedlam · 2024-10-20T00:32:03+00:00

I didn't use to feel weird about it, since my mom earned more than my dad during most of my years as a minor (although that wasn't the case when they got together, so I wonder if she still would have married him if it had been). I thought the abolition of gender roles applied to both sexes equally.

However, as I've gotten older and seen how even high-earning professional women usually want men who earn more than them, yeah, I feel like providing is one of my few sources of being valued, so I don't want to lose that.

I'll go back to my old view when society's expectations of men change.

Ylduts · 2024-10-20T05:15:33+00:00

Because the data shows divorce rates rise 50% above the average when the woman out earns the man. Anyone with eyes can see that this situation rarely works out. When did we as a society start disregarding data when it doesn’t align with our beliefs?

tiddermacss · 2024-10-20T02:50:29+00:00

nobody feels emasculated or threatened, its just the women eventually loose attraction and respect in most of these cases..

just_a_place · 2024-10-20T03:23:43+00:00

Is this a real question? 🤨

"I'd like to date a woman who paid the bill on dates and I would not feel bad ifshe had more money than me and she was the breadwinner. After all if she is capable of doing so what is the problem?"

Have you tried asking women that? Actually, nevermind. They will not tell you the truth. You'll just have to find out the hard way.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2024-10-20T01:09:11+00:00

Men feel "emasculated" because SHE "emasculates" him. Eventually, LONG TERM, if the man doesn't catch up, he will be treated as a dancing chore monkey at best. She will begin to lose physical attraction to him. He will become a roommate, not her boyfriend.

Even though women make money now, they STILL want a man who makes more. Even if they say "equal" earning, the man who makes more is preferred.

There ARE men who would like to have a higher earning girlfriend. The girls tend to NOT want him.

Sure, Chad-Rone would be accepted by her, even if she makes more. But the 1-2% of men don't make the rule.

TheNattyJew · 2024-10-20T01:06:58+00:00

Women leave men more often when said women earn more money than their male partner. This is why men instinctually find it uncomfortable to not earn more than the wife

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-10-20T13:01:15+00:00

It depends on the scenario. When men are earning more to begin with and then women begin to earn more within the confines of an established relationship, women leave quite a lot. And the whole “maybe the man was insecure” thing is cope. They begin to not respect the dude and want a better deal.

The way to offset this is to not only lay down the d, but be as attractive as possible and use dread. Women fuck bums and criminals, and even reproduce with them, all the time. The issue is that men that lead with their wallet or career usually have nothing else going for them.

KamuiObito · 2024-10-20T00:29:27+00:00

No those men just are NPCs who 9/10 also doesnt think highly of women.

Temuornothin · 2024-10-20T01:36:39+00:00

Societal pressures. My in laws judge my wife's cousin because her husband earns less and they made the decision to take the girl out of daycare and make husband a stay at home dad. Apparently it's only okay if the woman stays at home even if the husband has way less earning potential. Nothing wrong with it in my book but more people want traditional roles than they tend to let on.

Main_Aside_3072 · 2024-10-20T01:22:25+00:00

Most men do not make their partner's income a high priority.

It's great if she makes 6 figures, but I'm already doing 6 figures myself so is not a huge deal. As long as she makes enough to take care of herself and help with spending in the house it's fine.

But is she fun to be around and kind to people? is she in shape (im in shape myself because that's important for me) and beautiful and is passionated about something? and most importantly is she always giving me unconditional support and makes me a pivotal part of her life? That's wifey material.

Women have a lot of issue understanding this because income/economical status it is a high priority for them. For men is not the most important thing.

wtknight · 2024-10-20T05:24:07+00:00

Men don’t like it because women are hypergamous and it makes her more likely to either leave him or be disloyal with a man who does make more money than him.

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Combatenjoyer23 · 2024-10-19T23:46:38+00:00

Absolutely fucking not lmao

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2024-10-20T08:49:30+00:00

Yeah, this is about gender role. In general, women tend to be with men who earn more than, are taller or more intelligent. So we are used to this narrative. So a woman who beats us to those area emasculate us

The progress of feminism did show there is a problem with masculinity. The actual definition of masculinity is fragile. A man has to "prove" he is a man with something (that's why we had rites of passage for men). Feminity is stronger since it doesn't have to prove itself too much

We have the male loneliness epidemic, the pills theory and other things from the manosphere because an actual definition of "what it is to be a man" should find an answer. Some people (men and women) deal with the "old standard, new dynamic" problem. But the ones who find a balance understand that it is a set problem

Friedrich_Friedson · 2024-10-20T12:20:57+00:00

Only very few men feel "emasculated" by that.

Usually is because they see it as "having money=being charge and being able to not do things i don't want to do at home" so not being the higher earner does block that option lol

Bitter-Hat-4736 · 2024-10-20T12:31:54+00:00

Yeah, no, that's bullshit. It doesn't matter who makes more money in the relationship. If I wanted to be a provider, and even if I made extremely little compared to her, there are many ways I can do that. I am a decent baker, so I could bake or cook food. I could make something handmade.

OnThatSigmaGrindset · 2024-10-20T13:40:29+00:00

because of the power dynamics. men lose ALL value when they fail on their provider role.

the moment the woman starts earning more than the man, the relationship is doomed. she's so going to break up with him in the future

OilJust4498 · 2024-10-21T06:52:09+00:00

I would be happy if my partner earned more than me, whose going to complain about more money coming in? That has to make our live easier

The_Forgotten001 · 2024-10-21T10:45:56+00:00

because when women are the breadwinners they become tyrants and use the fact they earn more over their partners head to bully them.

You already stated you don't believe in gendered roles or sex segregation, so that implies you want 50/50 dynamic which is already broken by you paying all the bills. A man would feel emasculated if you tried to control his autonomy by the mere fact you control the money and use it as a threat. (don't do what I say? get out of my house that I pay for.... do this or I won't pay the wifi bill....etc)

I know after I experienced that in the high paying career women I vowed to never date one again.

harmonica2 · 2024-10-23T17:51:28+00:00

I'm a guy and my girlfriend makes more than me. I'm okay with it. It seems maybe some guys are embarrassed about it but what a guy would rather be poor and live under poor conditions but still be less embarrassed if he made more?

ListPlenty6014 · 2024-10-20T00:46:42+00:00

It’s also a fear from seeing how women in their lives have treated men who earned less than them. There are some women that treat their man well regardless of finances but a lot of women lose respect or would never have gotten in a relationship with a man who is financially lesser than them. That’s why women often talk about seeking their equal (or better) and the reality that the more successful a woman, the smaller her dating pool becomes due to her rising expectations on her potential partner.

Muscletov · 2024-10-20T06:57:17+00:00

Because this phenomenon is brutally exaggerated in mainstream media. In reality, it's the better earning women who avoid men of lower status like the plague. But that would make women agents and shallow, can't have that. It's always men who are unreasonable, insecure, toxic etc.

James_M_Croft · 2024-11-14T14:45:01+00:00

They would't. It is just a erroneous assumption.

Most_Read_1330 · 2024-10-20T01:08:20+00:00

Because women want the man to be the provider.

Muscletov · 2024-10-20T06:57:36+00:00

Male insecurity isn't the main reason there are so few couples where the woman outearns the man. In reality, it's the high-income women who avoid men of lower status like the plague. But admitting that would mean women have agency and are shallow, can't have that. It's always men who are unreasonable, insecure, toxic etc.

DumbWordsmith · 2024-10-20T02:05:52+00:00

LOL. Emasculated?

For me, that's the ideal setup given this culture.

However, I've never seen a happy woman in that situation — at least, not in the long term.

giveuporfindaway · 2024-10-20T03:38:40+00:00

Earning potential has historically been tied with testosterone. Men out earned women because the jobs literally required more testosterone (think steel factory worker). It's only been relatively recently that many jobs seemingly don't require testosterone (knowledge work). So at a gut level the psychological response is still there even if the environment has changed.

I've also never met a woman that didn't resent the situation of being the bread winner. Many say they are OK with it, but they always bad talk the man behind his back.

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