How do you define accountability, and what specific things should someone do, in your opinion, to “take accountability”?

Kanenas_T_Potas · 2025-03-12T19:40:55+00:00

I will answer this by doing four things: one, defining what accountability is, two, providing examples of both men and women who take accountability, three, answering why the phrase "women do not take accountability" is so popular and four, answering the questions posed by OP in the post.

So, first off, accountability means owning up, and taking responsibility for the consequences to your actions. In other words, being accountable means that you held yourself responsible for the consequences of what you do, or what affects you and other people around you/ who are close to you.

Furthermore, taking accountability also means being responsible for solving issues that affect yourself or the people you hold dear negatively, even if it is not your fault.

Good examples of accountability are:

A Doctor or nurse. These people must be and usually are accountable to their patients. Any of their decisions must have a proper grounding, and in the event that something bad happens, they must take responsibility for the consequences that befall the patient. Sometimes, even if the procedure was performed correctly, the patient will suffer complications, and it is the duty of the doctor/nurse to deal with those consequences.
A pre-school or primary teacher. These people take responsibility for the safety, integrity and education of their students. If a kid learns that something that's wrong is right, if he falls of the monkey bars or if he is sick, the teacher is rightfully expected to take responsibility for the kid and solve the problem.

Now, I did not include examples about dating because I will include those when answering the questions, but before that, I want to answer why it is popular to say women do not take accountability in forums like this one.

The reason is, in my view, that in the realm of dating, women tend to place the blame of many of their problems on men. Even if a woman has a history of choosing horrible partners constantly or even if she has pretty evident character flaws, low self esteem or isn't attractive by conventional standards, both she, and her friends will find a way to blame men for it.

It is common to see posts, tiktok shorts or YouTube videos explaining how the dating market is stacked against women, even when it is them and not men the ones who generally decide to date or reject a potential partner; when men say women do not take accountability, they basically mean that, even if the woman is not at fault when she chooses a bad partner, it is her responsibility to evaluate her previous choices, change her attitude and fix the kind of flaws that land her bad partners in the first place.

Good examples of accountability with regards to dating:

A woman with very strong boundaries who leaves men who do not respect them is taking accountability for her own choices and filtering people who are not compatible with her
A person who decides not to cheat because he/she is in a relationship and values that commitment over instant gratification
A person who, after having a bad experience with a relationship, decides to see why he/she chose that kind of partner and thinks what changes are needed to prevent the experience from happening again.

Now that I elaborated on what accountability is and given some examples I will answer your questions:

What would men want women to take accountability for, and what specific actions would qualify as “taking accountability.”?

As a man, I'd like women to recognize that a pattern of bad choices is not something that society should be in charge of solving, and also for women to be more proactive on changing the attitudes that make them fall into these patterns on an individual level.

What would you like to see women do to take accountability for a man’s lack of dating success?

Nothing. That is not the women's fault and it is the man who should be responsible for fixing his own dating life. What I would like to see, is for women to be more transparent about their preferences and also for them to take responsibility for dating a different kind of guy after having a bad experience instead of falling into the same bad pattern time and time again.

What does accountability mean to you, in regard to dating?

It means for you to openly accept your personal preferences, date people who are compatible with your values and with who you have chemistry, accept the positive and negative consequences of dating a particular person and not blaming neither society nor other people for any potential shortcomings you might have in your dating life.

What leads you to believe this is a gender issue, with only women failing to take accountability for things?

I think the issue is gendered (when we talk about dating and relationships/ sexual encounters) because it's generally women the one's who claim that anything negative that happens to them in dating is neither their fault nor their responsibility. Most men who make bad choices are not told that the system is at fault, nor that they should try to change the system. Most men are told to own up their mistakes, change what isn't working and discover why their dating life sucks. Most women are simply told that most men are crap and that the problem has nothing to do with them, regardless of how good or bad their choices, attitude or appearance is.

growframe · 2025-03-12T17:41:32+00:00

Accountability is the state of understanding and acknowleding the effects and consequences of your choices, taking ownership over those choices and effects, as well as being aware of the degree that one is a determinant in a situation.

Someone who is accountable in dating will be knowing and open about how the choices they make during dating shape their experience. People who fail to take accountability will blame their outcomes on others, use deterministic language, and be resistant to assessing their own behaviour.

ViolentShallot · 2025-03-12T17:27:31+00:00

"Taking accountability" is better defined by how it's avoided.

Avoiding accountability is placing the blame of the consequences they face outside of their actions.

If you cheat on your boyfriend and then say "he made me feel unwanted, that's why I did it" is a very clear cut example.

Another one, saying that divorce is "something that just happens" instead of admitting it's the outcome of a massive failure.

A lot of "it's the patriarchy" comes from lack of personal accountability. So does inceldom, funnily enough.

But yeah, if you want a definition, "taking accountability" is admitting to yourself and others that the main culprit of the overwhelming majority of shitty situations you face is yourself.

Zabadoodude · 2025-03-12T18:02:41+00:00

Accountability in the context of dating means realizing how your own actions impact your romantic relationships. It's the difference between saying "men are trash! They don't even do the bare minimum" and "what am I doing wrong that the men I end up with don't treat me the way I would like? How can I behave differently to attract the men I want and inspire them to treat me better?"

Late_Notice02 · 2025-03-12T18:31:15+00:00

Telling any internet stranger to "take accountability" for the actions of other people is a braindead take no matter who's using it or how it's being used.

However, sometimes people will come to the internet to defend their own toxicity and refuse to take accountability for the harm their inflicting upon others or refuse to condemn harmful behavior from other people within a group that they belong to.

What I haven’t seen is anyone who says this explaining what, exactly, they mean. What they want women to take accountability for, and what specific actions would qualify as “taking accountability.”

I made a post here not that long ago asserting that, regardless of gender, leading people on is a shitty and manipulative thing to do. Among the people twisting my words were some commenters outright just say "Nah. It's not my fault. I'm not responsible for anyone's feelings." <- That's refusing to take accountability. Knowing that something you do or something that you know others do causes harm but you actively refuse to condemn that behavior. Either because you see that harm as insignificant, justified, or you believe that the harm being done is deserved collectively by the group for some reason.

That's about it. It's all terminally online shit.

Dry-Ad3452 · 2025-03-12T22:35:12+00:00

What does accountability mean to you, in regard to dating?

Accountability is understanding the role you played in either the success or failure of the dynamic.

What does it look like to you when someone does take accountability?

Understanding your role in the failure of a relationship

Knowing REAL red flags to look for that indicate a prospect will be a bad partner

Taking active steps to improve your own life to reach the standards you desire.

What leads you to believe this is a gender issue, with only women failing to take accountability for things?

It's a gender issue because women widespread accept less accountability in dating then men. Women blanket blame men for everything in dating, from the failure of the relationship, to their own selves not being able to stay faithful. Men are blamed for everything wrong in a relationship, hell you do it too. Women are also unable to be empathetic toward men in dating, specifically LVM, and think of themselves as perpetual victims while anything a man does (especially LVM) is evil, wrong, and calculated.

rhz10 · 2025-03-12T18:45:00+00:00

In answering this question, I think it's important to ask "accountable to what?" and what value structures drive decisions.

There are always exceptions, but my experience has been that men are accountable to a set of norms or principles they hold for themselves. If those principles are honesty, fairness, generosity, such a man may be said to have "integrity." If those principles are deception, dishonesty, or manipulation, etc such a man may be said to lack integrity.

The analog for integrity in many women is accountability to their feelings in the present moment--loyalty to their own current emotional state. I can't count the number of times a woman has gone from viewing me as evil incarnate to the best guy in the world where nothing in my behavior had changed.

Again, this is my experience only, but I would not be surprised if other men see it this way as well.

fucksiclepizza · 2025-03-12T18:20:21+00:00

I don't think it a thing specific to women, take a look at most of the posts on this sub with men blaming women for everything, where's the accountability from most of the men? Non existent.

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KhadgarIsaDreadlord · 2025-03-13T10:00:02+00:00

So to preface this I think everyone should take more accountability for themselves not just women. A lot of guys here could use a bit of self-reflection regarding their dating success.

So what people mean by taking accountability is recognising one's mistakes that may have lead to a bad situation they are in, then not making that mistake again. Instead of that, people tend to project their part of the problem to the external world. It's easy to foster victim mentality, you get to pretend that you did nothing bad and the world has wronged you. I think it's a form of self-sabotage that trades long term wellbeing to the temporary comfort of ignorance and validation.

Maybe it's not men as a collective who are trash just the men you choose to date and sleep with. Maybe women are not shallow whores, you may be just terrible to be around.

Whenver someone feels resentment to the opposite sex on a categorical level they need to take a huge step back and look inward, that's where the root of their resentment lies. So yeah, be accountable and ask yourself what you can do to improve your situation instead of expecting the world to cater to you.

James_M_Croft · 2025-03-13T19:02:03+00:00

What does accountability mean to you, in regard to dating?

Someone who takes responsibilities for their own values, actions and choices by acting on it and not interfering with others.

What does it look like to you when someone does take accountability?

Example: Ex-gf was never a high achiever, but she never tried to force me to pay or care for her, nor did that thing about "getting angry that I didn't carry her responsibilities anyway nor even ask for the 'privilege' of caring for her". She cared for herself, mentally, emotionally, financially and in general. she was a partner, an actual partner.

I respected that, and if we weren't that young and far apart I would have married her. I miss her sometimes.

What leads you to believe this is a gender issue, with only women failing to take accountability for things?

Because in 80%+ of cases where you can see people fleeing accountability, it is a woman.

Yes, you mostly hear more about men, but it is just because the people who these women dump their issues on (parents, friends, children, lovers and siblings) just obviously deal with it in complete silence.

shadowrangerfs · 2025-03-14T10:31:25+00:00

In general, accountability is being able to look at a situation that you are complaining about and asking, "Is this at least partially my fault"? "Is there something, within reason, that I could have done to prevent this situation"? "Is there something, within reason, that I could do change this situation"?

In a dating context, taking accountability could be several different things.

If every BF you have is a scumbag, then taking accountability would be asking certain questions and answering them honestly.

For example:

Why am I attracted to scumbags?

Why are scumbags attracted to me?

What changes can I make in order to attract men who aren't scumbags?

If a woman isn't getting the men that she wants, accountability is just asking, why. "What changes do I need to make in order to be more attractive to the men that I want"?

LoudPiece6914 · 2025-03-15T07:08:04+00:00

The best example is if a woman cheats a lot of times women will make excuses and say he wasn’t paying attention to her or he wasn’t emotionally available she felt lonely, etc. taking accountability is saying she made a commitment doesn’t matter how she felt while she’s in that relationship or marriage, even more so. It’s unacceptable for her to cheat no matter how she feels.

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-03-15T10:03:19+00:00

Accountability, in its most precise definition, means acknowledging one's role in a situation, taking responsibility for one's actions or mistakes, and making efforts to correct them or improve going forward. It involves self-awareness, honesty, and a willingness to accept consequences or make changes based on one’s behavior.

What Taking Accountability Looks Like

In practice, "taking accountability" could include:

Admitting mistakes rather than deflecting blame.
Acknowledging the impact of one’s actions on others.
Making an effort to change behavior when necessary.
Accepting consequences rather than avoiding them.

How the "Women Don't Take Accountability" Narrative Is Used in Dating

When men in red pill circles say “women don’t take accountability,” they generally mean:

Blaming external factors for dating struggles – Some men perceive that women attribute their dating failures to men (e.g., "men are trash" or "men don't approach anymore") rather than considering their own standards, behaviors, or choices.
Avoiding responsibility for relationship failures – There’s a belief that women more often frame breakups in terms of their partner’s shortcomings rather than recognizing their own role in conflicts or dysfunction.
Unrealistic expectations vs. self-improvement – Some men argue that women hold high standards for men (e.g., income, height, social status) while refusing to evaluate their own desirability or effort in relationships.
Selective agency – This criticism suggests that some women present themselves as empowered and independent but, when facing negative outcomes, claim victimhood rather than owning their choices.

What Would “Taking Accountability” Look Like in Dating?

For those who make this argument, "accountability" would mean:

Acknowledging how personal choices contribute to dating results.
Recognizing that high standards come with trade-offs (e.g., fewer options).
Owning up to mistakes in relationships rather than placing blame solely on men.
Accepting rejection or romantic struggles without externalizing blame.

RealityCold4693 · 2025-03-12T17:49:37+00:00

Taking accountability is like let’s say you wanna dude didn’t work out sometimes he just doesn’t like you because you have unlikable traits and you should probably change those traits

RahLyt · 2025-03-13T12:01:53+00:00

Women generally don't take accountability, because they are allowed to not to take.

Males friendships don't allow you to be delusional.

Women support groups usually collectively deflect blame, to collective avoid the pain of looking inside.

It's a gender issue, because society allows women to live in delusion.

You add a bit of solipsism to that (another gendered issue) and you find yourself in a society where women barely take accountability.

Everything is a male problem. If you ask a woman why is she nagging she will give you a full paragraph, (mental load, Bla Bla Bla) before she asks herself if it's healthy for her, for the relationship or if there's better ways for to address the specific issue. If she has female friends all of them will understand her pain and if one asks the same questions I just did, she will be a pick me, and they will collectively not address anything lol.

You don't see how this is lacking accountability?

Any man who has been in a relationship, knows how hard is for women to apologise, to be criticised etc, she will always question your tone rather than to deal with the issue in the first place.

Women are not the only ones dealing with frustration, but they believe so.

As I said before believe it is very tied to women's solipsism, thinking only on their perspective as if men are not their own beings also dealing with their own issues and emotions/traumas.

Everything is seen in a feminine lens.

Also women love to moralize everything. It's never he's ugly and he disgusts me, it's always he's creepy. It's always about a moral reason, while that sounds fake, that's also avoiding accountability. Women rarely own their truth.

Yesterday a grown woman here said, the reason women ignore redflags on attractive men it's because their Instagram (I'm assuming she meant following numbers) was proof that they are safe people. Rather than saying that attractive people makes us less rational.

How can you be accountable if you can't be honest with yourself?

bison5595 · 2025-03-12T19:52:01+00:00

Admitting fault without blaming someone or something else. If you’re a single mom who had a baby with a deadbeat. Admit that you chose him and that you chose to ignore the red flags instead of saying he switched up.

If you divorced a guy, admit that you ignored the signs before marrying him and having kids. He didn’t switch up, it wasn’t weaponized incompetence, you simply didn’t care about the red flags and married him.

bradenb941 · 2025-03-12T18:35:47+00:00

I would say that taking accountability is understanding and accepting the consequences of ones own actions, even if negative. When we place blame for things on externalities, we are not taking accountability.

Plenty of men do this as well (that's pretty much the entire incel phenomenon in a nutshell). Anecdotally I'd say women do it more, and I'd also say that society is more accepting of women that do this.

Generally from how advice usually goes, if a man has a problem he needs to change. If a woman has a problem, society or the people around her need to change.

QuiteBlurry · 2025-03-12T20:35:17+00:00

I think it's often used in a general sense, meaning men/women do or should hold their own sex accountable. Among friends, I think it may be somewhat more common for men to hold each other accountable, but I see/hear women doing this too.

On this sight, there's a deplorable and embarrassing lack of accountability among men. Sometimes it seems like every other poster is Trump airing his grivances to a nodding sycophant like Johnson or Vance. With many of those grievances either outright lies or absurd exaggerations.

I think women are better, but then sometimes Lilith has me wondering. That medieval battle axe she's always grinding could maybe be pushed back against a bit more. Windmill flowers? seems genuinely unsure and a bit open to differing opinions (which women seldom offer) in a lot of her topics, and Novel??? pushes buttons too but in my recollection is more enquiring than agenda'd.

And even in Lilith's most outrageous threads, if there's a gender war here men often run straight into that axe, with some "oh yeak what about 6-6-6-6-6-6-6 and 5%????). Any women responding to them know they're responding to a rhetorically dead man so their effort usually reflects that.

And I find this a little irritating because I think men have some genuine gripes about dating. I doubt those gripes get solved here, and maybe not anywhere, but it seems tough to get a genuine kind word from women about some of the unique challenges men face. To maybe even start a conversation where men come to see the unique challenges women face.

Made understandable though given the generally ugly tone here set mostly by a vocal minority of men. That noise likely makes it hard for a lot of women to care or to offer support. And makes it easy for a few to respond in kind to the grating din.

wtknight · 2025-03-12T20:35:01+00:00

Women shouldn’t take accountability. It’s up to men to make themselves attractive enough to the women whom they desire.

It’s up to women to realize what tier of man they can really expect to commit to them long-term, and then not do things that will make them unattractive to their male attractiveness match before they finally want to settle down, or to reconcile themselves to being single, I suppose.

Title	How do you define accountability, and what specific things should someone do, in your opinion, to “take accountability”?
Author	justdontsashay
Upvotes	17
Comments	120
Date	March 12, 2025 5:14 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1j9p81f/how_do_you_define_accountability_and_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-do-you-define-accountability-and-what-specific.1546353 https://theredarchive.com/post/1546353

Comments

What Taking Accountability Looks Like

How the "Women Don't Take Accountability" Narrative Is Used in Dating

What Would “Taking Accountability” Look Like in Dating?