So F’ing Sad

Cannabisseur78 · 2025-12-11T15:28:31+00:00

I’m sorry. I’m separated after 22 years married. No kids. I’m devastated. I don’t know what to do now. I cry all day and night. I can’t make myself do anything. It’s cold as hell anyway. Just so alone and sad. She didn’t do well in marriage counseling and wouldn’t do individual. It hurt a lot.

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-12-08T16:48:23+00:00

if you want her back (probably shouldn't but if you do) ignore her...not in an obvious manner. Just make no effort to speak to her and just give brief responses. Make yourself busy outside of the house without telling her where you and going and when you will be back. Go park somewhere and take a nap if you like lol

It's a stupid game and it's insulting that it often works. Right now she knows you are an option and she doesn't have to do anything to maintain you as an option. If she thinks you might now be having a life other than her, she will reassess if she needs to preserve you as an option and might bring her back to you.

Then, going forward, if you do "fix things" you will always need to keep a bit of distance to keep her engaged. It's not a recipe for a deep fulfilling marriage but it's something that a lot of men have to do to deal with their wives.

fixanymarriage · 2025-12-08T05:39:05+00:00

Because that's the way she currently feels. That doesn't mean it's the way it has to end.

She is a woman, so she's sharing her feelings with you. Raw and unfiltered. Listen to her, understand her, and be stoic. Don't grovel. Don't plea. Don't defend yourself. Don't explain. Don't use logic. She is a woman. Simply listen to her, understand her, and acknowledge her feelings (even if they delusional and not based on reality). You don't have to agree with her, simply acknowledge her feelings.

Immediately start working on yourself and taking care of yourself (exercise, diet, sleep, figuring out your purpose, etc). Act on your purpose with drive and ambition. Fix your bad habits, bad thinking, etc. Improve yourself and take time for yourself.

Never ever raise your tone at her. Always be stoic and always be cool. Whenever she comes to talk to you, listen, understand her, and repeat her feelings ("So you feel [feeling] because of [reason]? ... I understand your perspective, thank you for sharing"). Your only job is to understand her and provide her the emotional protection she needs to express her feelings, even wrong / illogical feelings.

Want your wife, but don't be dependent on her. Listen to what she says, but don't auto-do what she says to do. Instead, you be the leader and figure out what's needed. She may be right, she may be wrong. You take initiative, you lead.

Take care of your kids and be the father they need.

There have been plenty of guys in your situation where the wife changes her mind because she notices the changes in her husband. Be the man she needs.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-12-07T21:19:28+00:00

Oh no, not another grey divorce. Sorry you are here bro. I'm in the same boat so know you are not alone.
It's amazing how easy it is for them to destroy our worlds and having to restart and rebuild at our age I feel is so hard. At a time we could start enjoying life, we are now facing financial ruin.
I wish I got divorced earlier in my life so I could rebuild and not marry ever again.
Best is to let them go, no begging, no pleading, no pick me dance.
The sooner you accept this and start looking after yourself and the kids only after the divorce, the better.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-12-07T12:10:39+00:00

The woman you divorce is not the woman you married.

People are with you for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. She chose season.

You still have your lifetime. It’s hard to see that now while you mourn this.

ExtraLettuce555 · 2025-12-07T07:14:39+00:00

I’m gutted for you. Mine also had no interest in trying as much as I pleaded with her. It’s one of the hardest things to deal with

Gattsama · 2025-12-07T04:41:25+00:00

Sorry for the drama brother. As others have stated, the simple truth is that she divorced herself mentally from the relationship a long time ago. Women plan these things for months if not years before they finally address them with their partner. You just received a shotgun to the chest, you're trying to heal and just survive the assault.

She's already gone through this mentally. You don't understand how far removed she is from the process cuz you're thinking she's in a similar place to you. All of the morning, all the healing, all of the emotional roller coasters; she's already done it all and is moved beyond it. From her point of view. There's nothing left to save because she's already abandoned it months/ years ago.

As much as it hurts; your goal now is acceptance. You don't need to understand why she's making these choices, and no amount of talking is ultimately going to answer the questions that you're really asking: why is this happening, what could I have done different, why didn't we communicate earlier, etc. None of that matters now.

The only thing that matters now is acceptance. Learning how the system works (because the system is fundamentally broken) and then getting a quick and amicable divorce.

As others have stated, you need to accept that this person is no longer your wife. The goal now is to make that legally true as well. You cannot confide in her, you cannot place your emotional intimacy with her, you could not look to her for support. And by the same token you need to learn to stop doing the husband role. She is no longer your responsibility. That means that if the 50/50 division of assets, she can't afford a house; that is not your problem. That means if she has to get a job/ live a lower lifestyle; that is not your problem. By the same token. If you're the one taking the lifestyle hit, she doesn't care; because she's already mentally divorced yourself from the wife role. She doesn't care what happens to you now( within reason) because she's already mentally divorced yourself from the relationship.

Be safe out there...

Intelligent-Clue6108 · 2025-12-07T02:39:23+00:00

This sounds like my divorce five years ago. We tried counseling but she lied in that too. She had someone else but kept denying it. It hurt like hell the first few months. I didn't want it to end, I would have done anything. I consumed myself with YouTube coaches about how to get her back. It obviously didn't work but it did help me better myself overall and in a weird way kept my mind occupied. If there is any hope in your situation, try the marriage helper videos if they are still around. Plenty of good material. Like I said, it didn't work for what I wanted then, but gave me some perspective of myself. I am much better off, recently married again in a much better fit. Good luck man, you are not alone.

swomismybitch · 2025-12-07T02:24:20+00:00

When she tells you that believe her and act accordingly. No pickme dance, no couple therapy, just grey rock.

Put your effort into grief counselling because that is what you are feeling. Improve yourself and start the next phase of your life with optimism, you are not dead yet.

Edit: I divorced at 50 after 23 years

I got married again at 51 and it was the best thing I ever did. 25 years together and still in love.

AssistantActive9529 · 2025-12-07T00:56:55+00:00

It’s painful but just start the process and let her go. Give it 9 months after the divorce and she will come running because her plan backfired. She thinks she’s still 29. She’s not. The dating market is really bad for her once she starts the apps.

Witty_Pin7210 · 2025-12-07T00:42:11+00:00

So sad and sorry to hear this for you, the irrationality of how some women are is beyond comprehension. No real dealbreakers just done…as if on a whim. It hurts so bad, takes time to get through, the days have been long, the nights tough. Working on building me and never looking back.

ColedTouch · 2025-12-07T00:33:36+00:00

Cry, then cry some more. Cry so fucking much that you overcome those 'fond' memories that are cemented in just about every man's memories in this subreddit... but really are absolute bullshit.

After that is when you get to cry for yourself. Cry that you probably deserved a lot more a long, long time ago.

Then get to crackin'! Get yourself in the right headspace, look in the mirror and stare at yourself until you remember who the fuck you are.

In the meantime, find some pussy, literally any pussy... Then you'll realize she wasn't all that special to begin with. I promise you.

funnyman6979 · 2025-12-07T00:32:23+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this, one day at a time and clearly she’s thought about this for quite some time. It sucks, but clear head and be Dad !

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-12-07T00:28:21+00:00

I’ll never understand it either. My ex wanted to just destroy the idea of me, and still has me at really low self esteem. She basically killed me, she destroyed who I was as a person, as she was the center of everything to me.

You’re exactly right, it’s so fucking sad. And I won’t tell you it gets better, it never really does. I had an entire life plan I was working on since I was conscious and she just lit it on fire.

Beamformer · 2025-12-07T00:18:17+00:00

Win me back, ffs that is some main character crap.

Hog-Switchkey · 2025-12-07T00:16:52+00:00

Funny how her new life didn't change, she's still the same old girl that she used to be!

duck_duck_mallard · 2025-12-07T00:01:08+00:00

It’s the feeling of “what if” right ? That was the worst for me. That giving it all didn’t change anything. 28 years is a long time - my .. whatever .. and I met 10 years ago on this day, we’ve been separated for a few months now. It’s still incomprehensible.

koskesh122 · 2025-12-06T23:54:31+00:00

Well bud, join the club.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women. • Child support, Alimony, your pension + retirement savings, government support + housing incentivizes them leaving you.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts. • You will be called abusive in order to stress you out so you give in to their unjust demands.

What to do now?

Settle your case ASAP. • The leeches (Judges, Lawyers, Therapists, Legal system will want to bleed you dry by leveraging your kids against you) The system gets paid by you fighting for you children.
Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym daily.
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and anyone who claims their ex was abusive. Do NOT raise another man’s child. You may end up being on the hook financially (Child support) for their kid if you leave.
Travel once a year.
Read books like No More Mr. nice guy
Open up the New Testament and start reading daily + listen to Charles Stanely on YouTube. • Learn to forgive your ex. This will set you emotionally and mentally free so you can begin enjoying life once again.

koskesh122 · 2025-12-06T23:54:24+00:00

Well bud, join the club.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women. • Child support, Alimony, your pension + retirement savings, government support + housing incentivizes them leaving you.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts. • You will be called abusive in order to stress you out so you give in to their unjust demands.

What to do now?

Settle your case ASAP. • The leeches (Judges, Lawyers, Therapists, Legal system will want to bleed you dry by leveraging your kids against you) The system gets paid by you fighting for you children.
Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym daily.
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and anyone who claims their ex was abusive. Do NOT raise another man’s child. You may end up being on the hook financially (Child support) for their kid if you leave.
Travel once a year.
Read books like No More Mr. nice guy
Open up the New Testament and start reading daily + listen to Charles Stanely on YouTube. • Learn to forgive your ex. This will set you emotionally and mentally free so you can begin enjoying life once again.

CaptainFuture7 · 2025-12-06T23:44:55+00:00

I feel you. I am in the same boat right now. I see the look in my wife’s face of disgust for a week after she saw a picture on my phone a week ago now calling it a Deja Vu. We went though seemingly successful therapy for a year and stopped 6 months ago. She said yes to a session, but my fears are I am in the same boat as you. I feel that gut wrenching sensation.

fewdo · 2025-12-06T23:44:00+00:00

She likely made up her mind months ago and told you about it after she decided.

I don't have ideas on how to limit the pain but I can day that it tapers off over the years.

Act in a way that future you will be content with. Be as kind as you can manage and practice setting boundaries. It's possible to divorce for like $5,000 total or the two of you can fight enough to give the lawyers everything you've built up.

I'm sorry bro. This part sucks. Just keep on this side of the dirt. Everything else is gravy

Competitive-Show-955 · 2025-12-06T23:42:46+00:00

Im sorry brother. It's hard, and there are no words to ease your pain. There are no good answers here and im sorry for that too. Maybe some knowledge will add some light to the darkness. This is one of, if not the, hardest thing youll ever go through. But like the other hard things you've done, you will survive. And you will come through, stronger and better than you were before. We're here for you. Keep your head up, and never go tits up.

Title	So F’ing Sad
Author	Delicious-Curious
Upvotes	81
Comments	73
Date	December 6, 2025 11:32 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pg3bw2/so_fing_sad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-fing-sad.1568216 https://theredarchive.com/post/1568216

Comments